Life is currently hell at the moment.
Nothing seems to make sense in my mind and I don't understand humanity. My mind keeps flashing back to old memories but they all seem so dark. I feel like i'm constantly trapped and that i'm a bad person and everyday is hell. I am struggling and know that this depression will eventually kill me if I don't get help. I know that I am transgender but this doesn't seem enough. My mind seems to need to gloat over the past and sometimes I feel more like a man (which I absolutely hate) but it's what it is. When I feel like a man I feel horrible. I am scared of my desires and that i'm a perv (church taught me if you're not heterosexual you're a perf) and feel like i'm going down a dark path. I know my sexual identity is pretty ->-bleeped-<-ed up. I guess as I only acknowledged I was trans when I was 20 and didn't have any childhood moments that indicated I was trans my mind is is trying to connect my childhood into who i'm becoming but there's no bridge that can be built? Nothing to link them together to confirm it. My mind feels trapped in a maze and nothing is making sense.
I'm not sure how much of this is dysphoria talking. I've got a gender clinic appointment in June but feel I have soooo many more issues. However it seems impossible to sort them out in the current state i'm in.
I feel my dysphoria is more social dysphoria of how people relate to me and less about my actual physical body.
I'm guessing if anyone can relate to any of this? Any of these issues? I choose to spend my time alone and not socialise atm...feeling I need to endure the struggling however am I just going to push myself over the edge? I hear so often peoples dysphoria was about their body, i'm interested on hearing different experiences and what things helped people?
Wasn't exactly the same for me but I did lock myself up socially and ended up in a very deep depression (that almost took my life), then I made a click somewhere pushing myself over the edge, "man up" (even though I hate this ;P) or end it all together but don't be a pile of selfish misery.. so that's what I did. In the times I locked myself up and stopped caring about anything I gained about 66lbs (30kg) in weight.
I managed to snap out of that bad momentum in my life, lost 26kg (57lbs) in under three months.. I'm still recovering from all the bad I did to myself today. It's very tough to live a lie day in and out, I experienced a massive burn-out at just 24 years old.. that's why I'm seeking help now. My goal right now is to get from 176lbs (80kg, which I am right now) to 70kg (154lbs) and hopefully by that time be able to start HRT, I don't want to start HRT being overweight though, I want to transition as fast as possible so I don't feel too awkward about it, but god do I look forward to it. ><
I've always known I'm female inside but transitioning never crossed my mind (didn't really know it existed or was really an option).. I just tried to live with the fact I'm a male instead, I feel very disconnected from my own body, I hate looking into the mirror, that's how bad it is.. and I'm not bad looking as a guy, oh no.. not at all.. it just doesn't feel right in any way. :(
*hugs*
You could have a look here for a few resources that might help with self acceptance:
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,208438.msg1847638.html#msg1847638
Try to concentrate on positive things ...
there should be nice memories, try to relive them ... a nice day in the park ... etc ...
Maybe you can talk to a therapist ...
Concerning religion its not your fault.
Religion should be about love. People should help each other in love.
There are findings being trans has biological connections, shown in the link above.
So its just a way people are.
If people have some kind of birth condition other people are called to help in love.
Gender identity is how you feel concerning your gender.
Sexual orientation is a different thing. Its like a preference for food.
If you feel like it please reach out ... there are hotlines
www.translifeline.org
http://www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help-you/contact-us
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,112545.0.html
And maybe you can make a few friends here:
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,195129.msg1846234.html#new
hugs
For years, dysphoria for me was a mild unhappiness when I had to face the fact that I'll never know what it is like to be a woman. Social dysphoria started getting worse as I got older and the friendships I craved with women became harder to form. Finally, when I began to contemplate transition, the prospect of living the rest of my life as a male seemed drab to the point of being unbearable.
What helped? One word. Transition.
For me, this is a hard post, in many ways it's acknowledging the influence these feelings have, and why.
Dysphoria to me :
It is looking in the mirror each morning, and seeing gender.
It is being made aware of my gender, by every movement.
It is being aware of gender through discomfort whilst sitting.
It is looking across a room at a sea of masculine faces, and the thought 'I am not one of them'.
It is looking across a room at a sea of feminine faces, and the thought 'I am not one of them either'.
It is the cloudy thought, and poor memory of tasks, and a reduction of day to day to 'numb'.
It is the frustration at my inability to be emotionally expressive, and as a result I love cinema - no one can see tears in the dark.
It is fear of the Unknown, what might be.
It is fear of the Present, what could be lost.
It is the joy of lipstick.
It is communication that is hard for either gender to interpret (my verbal expression, swings in style, and ordering naturally, so I have to 'rework' for my audience - I crossed a gender boundary at work once, by accident, and nearly lost my job).
It is about being allowed to care, and help those around develop.
It is about loneliness, but here, we are not alone.
It is about loathing clothing, and a desire to 'hide' the body, and myself from the world.
It is about feeling wretched as a person and that in some way we are not a 'fit' with society, we are not part of their neat compartmentalising.
There is more I could say, maybe later
Sno
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I'm guessing if anyone can relate to any of this? Any of these issues? I choose to spend my time alone and not socialise atm...feeling I need to endure the struggling however am I just going to push myself over the edge? I hear so often peoples dysphoria was about their body, i'm interested on hearing different experiences and what things helped people?
Yes. I have the feeling I do not understand most people any more. I thought I did before my full realization. Now I don't think I'm qualified to even imagine how cis people tick. I've come to realize how different I am from them, how my life goals are apparently quite unusual, how I will not be able to have the kind of normal lives they have, how me giving them life advice like I used to when they asked must be absurd. How can I understand their needs when they cannot comprehend mine? I've attempted to live a normal life but failed in many aspects. The only good thing from that is now I know it was not entirely 'my' fault, whereas before I blamed myself for deep unhappiness. A lot of it might not be my fault at all, really.
Unfortunately for me it's begun to feel like being the last of one's kind; that kind of alone-ness, even though I know there are lots of trans people in the world, I do not mix with any because there are none nearby. Even if there were, I'm not sure what difference it would make.
Still, this realization of a unique situation has hope and positives. There is a chance to start over, if you will. It's not a crime to move away where nobody knows you and begin again. I think that's what I will do.
For me, for years, the dysphoria went like this: Get up in the morning. Worry about work. Shower. Put on a suit and tie. Get in the car. Heartburn starts. Choking feeling in the throat. Get on the freeway. Pow! Sharp stabbing pain in the chest or neck. Irregular heartbeat. Oh my God, am I having a heart attack? Am I going to die here alone in this wretched traffic jam?
Tingling in the hands and feet. Heartburn. Muscles twitching in the thighs. More pains. Weak feeling in the legs.
Finally make it to work. Get out of the car on unsteady legs. Just another workday. Just another panic attack.
My dysphoria was a constant wet blanket masquerading as depression. I would get treated for "depression" or "anxiety" and it would still seem like something was missing. something was always missing. The suicidal ideations were not a welcome addition as, in the US at least, this would lead to an insistence on meds. Which would make me feel numb, on top of feeling like something was missing. Nothing ever seemed quite right, I always seemed to lag behind everyone. Things that people could do easily (strike up conversations, form meaningful relationships, etc) were things I never seemed to grasp. This led to feelings of hopeless and worthlessness, which brought on the suicidal ideations, which bring on more therapists and more mood stabilizers. Yet they don't work and the cycle continues. Of course others see all this and have their own 2-cents to add which exacerbates everything adn all you want to do is hide cause what good are you to anyone?
Until one day your subconscious, which has been protecting you and trying keep you going, finally has had enough and says "What if you were meant to be a woman". After a few days, you tell someone cause it's practically all you think of. That you've been trying to be something you're not. And like that, it's over. The clouds part, the sun comes out and I felt whole.
This. Beautiful!
Here's just a few things I've felt that I would describe as dysphoria...
• Envy of women because they can be themselves without fear of ridicule, losing their family, job etc.
• Envy of men because they seem to be quite happy with their gender identity, but why can't I?
• Looking in the mirror and feeling like the person looking back looks nothing like how I feel myself to be.
• Having to constantly hide who I naturally am.
• The constant feeling of wearing a mask.
• Hatred of all my masculine features.
• Wishing I was Cis. Denying, suppressing my very being so as to fit in with what is expected of my biological sex.
• Feeling incredibly guilty about having to fantasize about roles being the opposite way around, just so I can perform in bed as my partner expects.
• Not being able to relate to men.
• The constant feeling that everything about my public male persona is a lie.
• The depression and anxiety caused by everything about your very being feeling wrong.
• Feeling tired of it all after decades of torment, and curling up in a ball just wishing it would all stop!
• Wanting to kill the next person who says "why can't you just accept the way you were born", as if I hadn't already spent decades trying to do just that.