Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Just a curious question. I started 30 months ago to transition. In   the beginning I was constantly questioning what the heck I was dong , but never really put too much thought into stopping mostly because of my age and nothing left to lose and nothing to go back to. Now any thought of stopping is long gone and I'm absolutely sure I'm doing the right thing . The thing is that for me my age is probably the biggest determining factor. There is absolutely nothing for me to go back to and the future holds so much more happiness than the past ever gave me.  I'm going on almost 3 years and the first year I questioned it maybe 3-4 times then the 2nd year maybe a couple times and now the thought just doesn't exist. Does the thought of stopping ever enter your mind.

Ahhhh  The "WTF Am I Doing  ???" meltdowns. Way too many to count. The first several years the worse. Primarily the middle months (if there is such a thing?) between the "I gotta do something about this for real" and almost full acceptance. I guess mirroring the various stages of grief? You generally start with denial or anger to finally end with acceptance.

I still haven't or maybe I have come to full acceptance. I still question what is my "End Game" as I live this dual life. In a perfect world I take bigger risks. In this world I need to strike a balance that works for today. Like most times in life something bumps into my table knocking things about a bit. Thankfully these days it's not a major meltdown. Worse parts are the hangovers the next morning  :(

for me it's mostly my circumstances that make my decision easier on full steam ahead. I lost my job going on 3 years ago, I would of had to quit anyway because I have a crippling disease and can't do manual labor which is what I did. If I had a desk job I could still work, but I don't. So being on welfare I can survive. The welfare opened the door for me to  transition. I don't have family so that's another reason and the estrogen for me is an antidepressant. The only thing that gave me pause to think about not transitioning was finding a companion , but after 40 years of searching and never finding, that consideration seemed inconsequential. So basically I had only one option and that was transitioning. There is really nothing to go back to for me and absolutely no reasons to weigh  against full throttle transition. The last consideration is my age and the time left on this planet. I'm 64 and realistically it's a no brainer. As my therapist said why not be happy for the time left.

The thing Many a Sleepless night is made of (as well as hangovers)

Quote from: stephaniec on May 07, 2016, 09:29:38 AMI'm 64 and realistically it's a no brainer. As my therapist said why not be happy for the time left.

Today or ever? ;)

I stopped HRT a few times in the first year I was on it, and it was so bad I've never considered it since. I know for an absolute fact that I can't live like that. I feel its good that I've got it out of my system and don't question it anymore.

Apart from that I've stopped transitioning where I am, or at least going incredibly slowly, as I'm not socially transitioning. I say stopped rather than having reached my destination as I don't feel like I've finished.

Never really. I've always been female for as long as I can remember. My only challenge is correcting my physical body. 

As soon as I started I knew the only path was transition or suicide and I haven't looked back since I started. I still have a few things but, basically I am done and I could t ever imagine going back from here.

During this go around at transition not at all, during the first time once in which I did it. Hugs
Mariah

once a couple months back i thought i would stop after a long discussion with my girlfriend
and her talking me into it, the biggest mistake of my life, i didnt last 24 hours before i was
laying in the bathroom at 3am having the worst panic attack in my life and all the suicidal
thoughts came rolling back, i then realized there was only one way to go for me and that
forward and dont look back, i dont even consider stopping anymore and my girlfriend
well she is now an ex

Quote from: Hikari on May 07, 2016, 09:49:27 PM
As soon as I started I knew the only path was transition or suicide and I haven't looked back since I started. I still have a few things but, basically I am done and I could t ever imagine going back from here.

this sums me up pretty well

None. Nada. Zilch. Zero.

I constantly questioned "Am I really sure I know what I'm doing?" really often earlier in transition. I only seriously considered stopping once, though... Right before I finally got my first post-transition job.

A week before my first job finally came through, after having been fired from two jobs due to dysphoria (one because I made an inexcusable mistake while experiencing high amounts of dysphoria-related emotional distress, one because of outright discrimination,) I hit rock bottom. I applied for a job back with the same company that I'd originally been with, I had the chance to get back everything that I'd lost, the same pay, the same benefits, a full-time schedule, same city, same friends who I missed so much. And I got an interview. All I had to do was make it through that panel interview. I failed. I wasn't "upbeat and positive" enough, because I basically froze during the panel interviews due to being so terrified of how other people were judging me.

That was the only time that I seriously considered stopping. Because at that point I had now been unemployed for 5 months straight, I'd been rejected from 5 straight jobs, and what felt like my one chance to get back what I'd lost was gone for good. I seriously considered stopping. Because I thought that I'd destroyed my employability, that I'd never get another decent-paying job again, that my entire education and entire livelihood was going to waste, and I had the worst emotional breakdown I've ever had, because the thought of giving up was too painful, but so was the feeling of failure and rejection.

Fortunately, a week later, I got my current job, I've been there for almost 2 years now, and now there's no way in hell I'd ever go back. After a few months of working there, I started getting into that state of mind where my current self is me, I can't even remember being male anymore, to even think of not being this self is unthinkable. That comes once you settle in.

I lightly think about it once in a while , but the pro's of continuing so much out weigh  the cons that I won't stop. I know right after I started I got sick and thought seriously of stopping , but my therapist showed me the light.

approaching the classic inverse Bell Curve

Never!

Quote from: Hikari on May 07, 2016, 09:49:27 PM
As soon as I started I knew the only path was transition or suicide and I haven't looked back since I started. I still have a few things but, basically I am done and I could t ever imagine going back from here.

Oh, this!   I haven't even started yet, but I know that I have to go forward.  The alternative is, well, not much of an alternative.  I've mentioned in other posts that I refuse to crawl back into that box full of suicidal depression.  Right now, hope is what keeps me going until I can meet the gatekeeping requirements (2009 Endo Society - 3 months therapy or real-life experience; troglodytes!).

I'm sure I'll have bad days and second thoughts, but there's really only one open path for me.

I have run away from transitioning so many times before. When the dysphoria drops you think you are crazy and that you can go back and live a normal life.
But after 5 years in the wilderness, i came back and started again, i am so happy to say. I have always known i was transsexual, but now more than ever. I also now realise that i really dont have much of a choice, because i am desperate to live as a woman. I am moving on well with my transition. I have started laser hair removal and start hrt in a week.

Although i am very scared to transition i am also very excited. I still have to come out, which will be a big step. But i think i am ready. A week or so ago my dysphoria dropped and i started to have those doubts. But for the first time ever the female in me fought back and won the battle. I believe my female side has taken charge, she wants to transition. I think i have finally made the breakthru, i am ready to live as the woman i have always wanted to be.

it's like escaping the pull of gravity.

How many times today? :-\

Quote from: RitaChans on May 09, 2016, 03:59:00 PM
How many times today? :-\

Once, but I haven't actually started, and the only alternative I see for myself is far worse.  So, transition it is!

0 i never think or question it because i already know i am me. Just me therefor there no thinking. I just think i am me so i will be me. I never made a fake personality to satisfied others around me. They thought i was odd and freaky because i wore girl cloths long before coming out.

My father never tried and force me to be different even though he a Jew. Because i was the only kid in the house that paid rent and was atheist. Now my brother and sister were forced into gender roles and he ridicule them if they step out of line. My mom could care less I'm her kid no matter what. My grandparents are more on the edge of it. I simply don't care about any of there opinion.

That why i don't question myself. I am me and if other disagree then they can go and f*** themselves because there opinions are not of my concern.

I have had those "what in the hell am I doing?" moments as well. The thoughts start creeping in that my current problems (homelessness, addiction, mental illness) are being made worse by my transition. Then I remember that I am way past the point of no return. I've been on HRT for over two years, some of the changes to my body can't be reversed, and I legally changed my name and gender marker. Soon after that, the biggest issue becomes clearer, as bad as my current situation is, it was far worse pre transition. 


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My transition was intentionally slow and step wise, but along the path I did have quite a few of those "what in the hell am I doing?" moments of fear, doubt, and sometimes panic. Only one time did I ever seriously consider stopping altogether - the day my ex got in a car and drove away from me to begin a new life.

I had two thoughts that day - stopping my transition in the hopes of getting her back was one of them and committing suicide was the other one. Luckily for me I lacked the means of easily committing suicide (that was an intentional decision I had made earlier due to my instability and impulsiveness); and stopping my transition was simply out of the question. It was the absolute worst day of my life; the bitter end of a committed 27 year marriage to my soulmate.

Instead of making one of those choices I had a good cry into my pillow and then somehow I managed to pick up the pieces and get on with my life.

I am now almost two years into my transition and there's not a day that I am questioning if what I did was worth the trouble. The only thing that bothers me is what the future holds me for me now that I am living as a woman. My life then was so predictable with a decent job. Due to this, I had to change jobs and life has never been the same.

I guess in time it will get better. For now, this is where I am.

April

I have not had a doubt that I am doing the right thing by transitioning. There may have been some doubt about starting, but once I started, there have been absolutely no thoughts of stopping or going back.

I stopped after my 2nd month for 3 months which i have now regretted, then continued till now for 3 months. Had my first "gay" sex last week dressed as a woman and will not look back now.

I knew i just had to start. It makes it more difficult to go back. Thats what i wanted. I wanted it to be too difficult to go back. Thats where i am now. I start HRT on monday. Once i put the hormones in my body, i dont think i will have doubts. Getting there is always the hard part.

I've not seriously thought about stopping since i started. For me it is a life vs death thing. A slow death is still a death and I'd rather live my remaining time on this rock as a functioning person.

I've had moments where i wished that i had never struggled with this thing, and not been the recipient of this blessing, but that is just day dreaming.

every day to be honest, but I got no choice, so I go on

I am still pretransition, but every day I stop myself and question even starting because I don't feel that losing my marriage is worth exploring the unknown of transition...