So, obviously Im thinking of stopping.... Im 6 weeks in
normal behavior?
I guess I just cant see me portraying myself as a woman in this tumultuous time, or maybe ever
Doesnt matter how I feel or how I see myself when Im happy and at home in my comfort zone...
I dont see me presenting as a woman and Im scared of growing boobs and getting little more from HRT than a set of tits that I must then hide because I refuse to be myself in this screwed up world
I dont even know whay "myself" is....
As great as I feel inside on HRT... I just want to hide
Mod edit: language as per Terms of Service
It's your choice to find the right path , there is no right or wrong.
That's a decision you will have to make. Something I never saw before coming to this site is people going on HRT having a reduction in their dysphoria then wanting to stop because the social pressure overrides the remaining dysphoria. After leaving HRT the dysphoria returns and the remember why they went on HRT in the first place. Some people have repeated this cycle several times before deciding what to do.
The best advice I can give you is to remember what you felt like when you decided to start HRT. Can you live with the return of that feeling?
I have been thinking of that... the return of the poo feelings
I love myself now, my mind is happy... but it seems like no one cares, all the people that I told... its as if they just forgot or even are happy that Im not presenting and making them see or feel it... "Oh, so glad he isnt looking like a woman... whew... didnt want to deal with that"
I know I shouldnt decide what people are saying... but I just wish they would say "hey, do you need some encouragement? I know that was a big step and now I see you arent expressing yourself... wanna talk about it?"
yeah, right hell will freeze over first, huh?
again, no one will encourage me... yet I feel like they will judge me... I guess that is life
Just rambling, summer is coming and my body is changing, more from excersice and weight loss, but its looking more girly and bewbily and yet I will most likely spend another summer in baggy mens clothes and thats a bit frustrating. Maybe Im just born to be a hermit... I really love my solitude
Thanks for responding, Im prolly inconsolable at the moment.... :embarrassed:
Once you stop the badness will flood back in. It did for me twice.
Sapere Aude
The thing is too is that the " others ' aren't the ones who have to deal with this every moment of their life.
Others will always want you the way you were so they don't have to adjust to the new you. We transition for ourself because we are tired of being uncomfortable with ourself and we want to be better. Our future dreams are about all we have but it was sure worth it for me.
For me it was a little rough in the beginning being afraid to show myself , but it has turned out to be such a blessing. I so wish I could get GCS , but it's financially complicated right now, hopefully I can do it because I need it.
Thanks again, Ive been on cloud nine for the last few weeks and knew it was about time to get some mood swings... I feel a bit better, I think Ill go eat some chocolate ::)
cherry vanilla ice cream with dark chocolate syrup and whip cream with dark chocolate shavings sprinkled on top.
It's inevitable that you will have good days and bad days. It's when the bad days stretch on for weeks and months that you really need to start asking hard questions.
During my first tilt at transition I was on HRT for two years, the last six months of which were a misery. I realise now that misery was a combination of things - fear, reaction to some of the HRT (Androcur is known to cause depression, as is cycling injections of Provera Depot), poor social skills and isolation, various other unresolved emotional issues and poor coping skills, etc, etc. Maybe I could have made it though but I chose not to and stopped the HRT. Bottom line is I just wasn't ready to transition then.
I then tried to tell myself for the next twenty years that I wasn't trans, that I had been insane or something. It wasn't until things got bad enough that I had to face the truth of the matter, and it wasn't until I could accept that it wouldn't be an easy path and accept myself that I was able to take HRT back up again. And it's working pretty good this time!
Some people try several times before they find the right circumstances that work for them.
The thing to remember is that HRT is not a panacea, if you have other issues to deal with it probably won't solve them, it will feminise your to a degree but often you need to put in a lot of extra effort, I know I did. And it takes time.
OMG ice cream....
See, I think whats happening is I feel like its fastracking me, which Im sure everyone thinks that at first. Like Im turning too quick and freaking out. I need to realize that its a slower process and that what I think I see is not what others see. I feel like its so obvious and I know Im not ready. I was hoping to feminize slowly or just slightly and continue presenting as my old self, albeit a happy self... where most were unaware of what I was becoming. If I choose to go further, I will do that later. I didnt want to pass up my "shot" at hormones, because it took me 8 months to get on them.
I just need to realize that its slower than I am imagining
people really are pretty oblivious to our changes, right?
Reading with interest these postings. Have you started with low dosage HRT?, typically that is the start point for everyone. I am seriously considering the process of starting HRT and would not want to start at any level other than that. I am thinking that it is more controllable, also realizing that every individual is different, and will react differently. Also realize that one can stop at any time, but also do not want to end up on a roller coaster ride of starting and stopping. Thoughts? and thanks.
I stopped a few times at the start. All the craziness came back, probably worse than before I started. The good thing is it took all my doubts away.
I did low dose for years as it made me feel good, and minimized the physical changes. I started getting depressed again and I'm on a full transitioning dose for the last couple of years.
I've still not socially transitioned and have been hiding all the changes. I do feel pretty good though.
I don't need hrt for I already have a female body and face along with b cup breasts due to puberty backfiring. I have mood swings,good days and bad,i just never let life get too much in the way. I love vanilla ice cream on top of a slice of pound cake with strawberries and whip cream.
Quote from: RitaChans on May 08, 2016, 07:08:51 PM
people really are pretty oblivious to our changes, right?
Honestly I think that people do notice. I can't see how they possibly couldn't with me. But I think they will react more to how you act than how you look. If you start acting all weird and defensive like you're trying to hide something they will react to that. If you remain as friendly, helpful, and relaxed as before then they remain friendly and relaxed too. At least that's my experience so far.
When I say they must notice something with me, I have made no public announcements and dress as before at work, either business casual or with a short sleeve shirt and no tie. My hair is nearly shoulder length and I simply push it behind my ears at work, no redneck ponytails. And my bust size is now 6" larger than my ribcage. I do nothing to camouflage that other than not wear skin tight shirts. And . . . No problem.
Sapere Aude
I was on low dose HRT for about 4 years and the only comment that I consistently got was that I looked younger than I was. My boobs had grown a bit but I could write it off as gyno and hide it with baggy shirts.
I was on a transitioning dose for a year after the low dose HRT and STILL no one said anything. At the end of that year the changes were quite obvious to me and I started getting male fails but apparently no one at work noticed. After I transitioned my boss said that he had noticed my lack of facial hair but thats the only comment I got. Some people were absolutely shocked to see my transformation into Eva on the first day back at work :laugh:
So thats one HRT timeline for you.
Rita - you have to do whatever makes you happy. I could never go back to the way I was living before with the feelings I was dealing with but perhaps you can. Only you can make that decision.
I am only 2 days away from being on low dose HRT for 4 weeks. I have seen no real physical or mental changes, except that I now feel more normal and not constantly bothered by questioning my gender. There are days now that I question if I really am transgender, and it feels like I have been cured. There are days when I actually feel more manly now than I did prior to beginning HRT. At this point, I don't have a strong desire to transition, and yet, if I stop HRT I'm pretty certain the GID will return once again. I suspect this might be what you are experiencing as well.
My dosage is supposed to be increased in a few days and I'm looking forward to finding out what that is like. It may be much better, or I might just prefer to stay at my current low dose. If you feel like you are changing too fast, perhaps you could cut back a bit and take it a bit slower. Like you, I'm hoping to go a long time before the changes get too noticeable.
Thanks again everyone
I am on low dose HRT at the moment, have been for 7 weeks and will be for another 5 at least
Im a lot better today than I was a few days ago... Im just trying to be me and not worry... Im certainly not presenting as female, but I am doing several things that I feel are very fem, yet I still get "Can I help you sir?" all damn day
SO obviously I am not giving a inkling of fem, which is fine... I am not ready nor do I want to present as female, but I do want to look like a fem dude... I guess...for now at least
the darkness has faded a bit and Im feeling great today... I just keep popping the pills every morning wether I question it or not... I hate to be a quitter :-\
Been there before. I originally started hrt 5 years ago. A month in I stopped because things were getting to real. I felt guilty that I was doing this behind my families back and I was starting to feminize. About a month later, I started again, but after about a week, stopped, because of the same fears. This went on and off for about 3 and a half he years until I finally got over my fears. It's been 19 months now and even though I still haven't socially transitioned yet, I really don't think about it anymore. Tldr: If you feel better on hrt and can't stop about thinking it when your off it, you'll be back, they always come back. Bwahahahahahahahaha!
I feel as though I turned some sort of corner today and at the moment I feel at ease with continuing... thats odd, because I havent felt this way since like the first 2 days ;D
It can be a process Rita. Two steps forward, one step back. As long as it isn't one step forward, two steps back you're doing good and will get there in time. As always it's better to talk about it, don't bottle it up. :)
I tried twice in my early twenties to transition. Both times an utter fail. Ms Grace summed up the many reasons well.
I Just Wasn't Ready
Or, more like ill equipped, emotionally, to take on the whole package that comes with transition. It is a lot more then just popping a few pills, which helped some. But.... Shame, Guilt, negative self esteem, zero self worth are tough to shake.
Even 7 years ago when I started this phase. HRT helped a ton to keep me alive. To restore my hope in me. If I didn't put a lot a hard work into healing me, finding a support group, eventually a therapist, reading a ton of self-help books, etc. the experiment would have ended the same as the previous ones.
Yes it is a ebb and flow isnt it?
And I usually find that once it swings backward, it moves farther when it goes forward....
Thanks for talking with me when I do ask questions... :)
I hate to think I will stop and just have to restart again... I mean Ive "started" a few times over the years but never intending to go all the way, more just a at home, non hormone expression of femininity. So Id would say I have started, quit and purged and avoided it several times and this time I just took it a bit further. I just think I need to go really slow, put no demands on myself and "just keep swimming"... hopefully that way I wont have to quit
I didn't start HRT until I was living full time in my role. From that point, I didn't go back. That was over thirty years ago. But... I did quit taking hormones in 2003. It was a financial thing, a medical thing, and an "I don't care" thing. I was married and my husband didn't seem caring enough to help me financially. It was a self destructive and too soon for menopause. A couple of years ago (during the divorce process) I talked to my endo about getting back on and he says no. He feels that I don't need them because I am now old enough to be in menopause. While I disagree with him, I'm not motivated enough to drive a couple hours to see another doctor. I'm in an "I don't care" phase. Right now, I'm not sure if it is self destructive or not.
I do reserve the right to change my mind though. ;)
As far as stopping transition, I so totally get that. Most of us start and stop more than once. It happens. It's hard to know how it will turn out and we are all afraid of change.
I've been wondering what I should ask of my friends, too. In general people don't want to be transphobic, so most of that reaction where they pretend not to notice is fear of making mistakes. But I think the prevailing model of a non-transphobic person is still "treats everyone the same" -- which means trying not to act differently when we do start to transition publicly. Unfortunately this winds up leaving us in a deafening silence, which isn't exactly what we're looking for.
I'm not sure how to get around this, except to maybe lean into the transition a bit and see what happens over time. I'm not going to pressure anyone. The one time I did try to ask about it the victim immediately became terribly uncomfortable.
On the ability to hide changes... I've had a couple of people do obvious double-takes at glimpses of breast growth under sweatshirts (when I stretch without thinking or turn my body in the wrong way), but I think the most noticeable things are hair and beard removal. That plus the little changes estrogen makes around your cheeks and jaw... I've had a number of people at work sneaking looks at my face (our group manager has a desk facing the corner but uses a bicycle mirror to glance around the office... she's not quite good enough at looking away when caught, haha). Anyway I think the hair is the biggest factor, and that's 100% under your control.