I was trying to open a bottle and i asked her for help opening it and my mother looked at me and said something along the lines of "I'm the only real man in this house hold who can open a bottle"
yea, that felt great....she walked away claiming it was a joke and i didn't respond because i didn't want to start something.
I never understand the people who make jokes like that. You're already in a vulnerable place transitioning, why the heck do you need to make a comment like that. Like imagine walking on a tightrope and someone yells, "Don't fall! Haha! Just kidding!"
Midnightstar - I think you did absolutely the right thing by not responding to your mom's obviously tasteless joke. Not only did it not feed into her head games but it gave her no satisfaction, if even she was out to get any.
At the end of the day, you took the high road, and for that, you should be proud.
-Princess
Your mom was definitely being tasteless and I agree that not feeding it is best. Sorry that your mom did that. Hugs
Mariah
Hey man, I hate dumb comments like that. My in law said to me the other day that I "put the 'his' in 'hysterectomy," while I was openly talking about anxiety I was experiencing. I was upset for 2 days and finally talked about it today, stating that it is never funny to make light of a situation that truly carries so much weight. He replied saying he thought it would be okay, since "maybe I was at a turning point in the whole process." As if trans jokes would become funny at some point because I had a surgery.
This was coming from someone who literally had to drag me into my house on multiple occasions, when I was black out drunk and constantly talking of suicide. That hurts, because after knowing someone for more than half your life you'd expect they might have a little more understanding and/or sensitivity when it comes to your situation.
Some folks will just never get it, and it is particularly painful when you are family or live with the person. The more time that passes I find it's easier to just let go of connections, in your mind if you can't detach from a physical stand point. After years of dealing with the same crap, this time I've decided to stop intentionally interacting. It's not easy but will have a greater impact on my mental health.
By detaching from care, you can take away that person's power. At least to a degree. Certain words will always hurt, but when you take away the credibility from that person in your mind, they will hurt less over time.
Sorry this turned into a long post, that wasn't intentional. I'm sorry your mom said that to you. Stay strong, and know that you are strong, and eventually things will get easier. You also have a whole band of brothers and sisters here to share with that understand exactly what you are going through.
I agree with all the comments - that was callous and good for you.
On a second note - If you need to open a jar that's stuck take a heavy butter knife and smack the upper corner of the lid in a counter clockwise (anti-clockwise) method a few times, then hit the bottom of the jar with the palm of your hand. It should loosen it enough to open. It works for me about 99% of the time.
Quote from: KyleEdric on May 14, 2016, 07:59:31 PM
I never understand the people who make jokes like that. You're already in a vulnerable place transitioning, why the heck do you need to make a comment like that. Like imagine walking on a tightrope and someone yells, "Don't fall! Haha! Just kidding!"
At first it didn't settle good but i didn't actually mind it
till someone explained to me what that had implied, and then it upset me.
But yea i agree some jokes are just bad jokes.
Quote from: Loved_PrincessMPLS on May 14, 2016, 08:10:01 PM
Midnightstar - I think you did absolutely the right thing by not responding to your mom's obviously tasteless joke. Not only did it not feed into her head games but it gave her no satisfaction, if even she was out to get any.
At the end of the day, you took the high road, and for that, you should be proud.
-Princess
Thank you :)
With my mother iv'e started to realize everything is fake and the more it happens the more its actually starting to bother me and make me think how much of a family i truly don't have. Its like im seeing under the mask and it sucks. But yea my best bet was to walk away and i new it then to even if i didn't completely understand in that moment i new i needed to let it go.
Quote from: pj on May 15, 2016, 08:17:17 PM
I agree with all the comments - that was callous and good for you.
On a second note - If you need to open a jar that's stuck take a heavy butter knife and smack the upper corner of the lid in a counter clockwise (anti-clockwise) method a few times, then hit the bottom of the jar with the palm of your hand. It should loosen it enough to open. It works for me about 99% of the time.
Thank you for the tips Pj
Quote from: AGhostInMyArms on May 14, 2016, 09:16:27 PM
Hey man, I hate dumb comments like that. My in law said to me the other day that I "put the 'his' in 'hysterectomy," while I was openly talking about anxiety I was experiencing. I was upset for 2 days and finally talked about it today, stating that it is never funny to make light of a situation that truly carries so much weight. He replied saying he thought it would be okay, since "maybe I was at a turning point in the whole process." As if trans jokes would become funny at some point because I had a surgery.
This was coming from someone who literally had to drag me into my house on multiple occasions, when I was black out drunk and constantly talking of suicide. That hurts, because after knowing someone for more than half your life you'd expect they might have a little more understanding and/or sensitivity when it comes to your situation.
Some folks will just never get it, and it is particularly painful when you are family or live with the person. The more time that passes I find it's easier to just let go of connections, in your mind if you can't detach from a physical stand point. After years of dealing with the same crap, this time I've decided to stop intentionally interacting. It's not easy but will have a greater impact on my mental health.
By detaching from care, you can take away that person's power. At least to a degree. Certain words will always hurt, but when you take away the credibility from that person in your mind, they will hurt less over time.
Sorry this turned into a long post, that wasn't intentional. I'm sorry your mom said that to you. Stay strong, and know that you are strong, and eventually things will get easier. You also have a whole band of brothers and sisters here to share with that understand exactly what you are going through.
Yep, basically that is my plan is just that to eventually disconnect not completely like i was wanting but enough however if it continues even after moving out its very possible there going to eventually completely lose contact with me. Also i'm sorry for what your in law said to you :/
Quote from: Mariah on May 14, 2016, 08:23:30 PM
Your mom was definitely being tasteless and I agree that not feeding it is best. Sorry that your mom did that. Hugs
Mariah
thanks mariah
Yea she really was but its becoming a very common thing
its starting to effect me actually, but i try ignore it.
Its just not fun to start to see your parents as something you never thought they where
and i mean more so then i ever realized. I was hoping for in the future some forum of support but its all a big play to them everything they say "oh okay" and respect me in the moment i walk away and something like this happens. Accept this time i didn't expect it to go that low.
I am also struggling with this as well. In fact, it's gotten to the point where I will just go into a room alone and start ranting, raving, and spewing venom all over the place.
I won't get into how my family has treated me, but I will just say I can definitely understand!
Quote from: Midnightstar on May 14, 2016, 07:06:45 PM
"I'm the only real man in this house hold who can open a bottle"
That would hurt even if you were a cis man.
Quote from: Midnightstar on May 14, 2016, 07:06:45 PM
.she walked away claiming it was a joke
Oldest pushback
ever to complaints about hostile (esp. bigoted) comments. E.g.,
"What's the matter, can't you feminists/negros/gay people/disabled people/etc. take a joke?"
Next time, you could ask her to teach you her manly ways, since she's the self proclaimed expert. Or just confront her every time she says something callous. Cis people tend not to understand what is ok to say and what isn't. While it sux to have to constantly educate someone, you have to stand up for yourself. If you don't advocate for yourself, why wouldn't you expect other people to follow your lead?
Although if you live with your mom, I probably wouldn't have fought with her either. It's way easier to choose better battles with people when you can leave and not have to be around them constantly.
Hugs,
- Katie
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Quote from: Obfuskatie on May 16, 2016, 01:29:23 PM
Next time, you could ask her to teach you her manly ways, since she's the self proclaimed expert. Or just confront her every time she says something callous. Cis people tend not to understand what is ok to say and what isn't. While it sux to have to constantly educate someone, you have to stand up for yourself. If you don't advocate for yourself, why wouldn't you expect other people to follow your lead?
Although if you live with your mom, I probably wouldn't have fought with her either. It's way easier to choose better battles with people when you can leave and not have to be around them constantly.
Hugs,
- Katie
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
I've gotten into the habit of correcting them when needed but this happens
i just plan to move away its all i can do i think in time it may help them come to terms with it because
they don't have to look it in the eye every time they see me. That way they can process it.
i hope. i want everything to get better but in another sense i'm over everything just not working.
Quote from: Asche on May 16, 2016, 09:24:14 AM
That would hurt even if you were a cis man.
Oldest pushback ever to complaints about hostile (esp. bigoted) comments. E.g.,
"What's the matter, can't you feminists/negros/gay people/disabled people/etc. take a joke?"
Yep, at this point i don't really know what to do other then move and hope they can get it then.
Quote from: Midnightstar on May 16, 2016, 02:39:15 PM
I've gotten into the habit of correcting them when needed but this happens
i just plan to move away its all i can do i think in time it may help them come to terms with it because
they don't have to look it in the eye every time they see me. That way they can process it.
i hope. i want everything to get better but in another sense i'm over everything just not working.
After you live away from them and can be independent, the tables will turn somewhat. Make your presence something they earn with good behavior and acceptance. As an intermediary step, I highly recommend finding a friend that will let you crash at their place when you need a break from passive aggressive snideness.
Once you're not around them all the time, I'd urge you to reframe being trans in your mind. "It" isn't a thing separate from you, and being trans is nothing to be ashamed of. You're you and you're awesome. The people that are hung up by their expectations of you or their idea of you, need to grieve some, but they also need to get over it and accept you for who you are.