I'm not sure that this is the right place, sorry if it's not.
I met a guy about 6 months ago. We quickly became very close friends. We're both in our mid 20s. He is an out and proud transguy; he doesn't feel the need for surgery or hormones. He says maybe one day but he hasn't experience dysphoria for a few years. I'm still unsure of my own gender identity, but as far as everybody in my life knows I am a cis female.
We have been spending a lot of time together for a while. He has made it clear that he would like us to be in a proper relationship but I've been very hesitant. I really really like him, but the problem is that I've only ever been really attracted to women. I could say that this guy is an exception but I don't think that's true. At some level unintentional level, I don't see him as wholly male. I don't say that to be intentionally hurtful or dismissive of trans people's identities generally or his specifically. I have no problems referring to him using male pronouns etc. But he basically looks like a victoria secret model who happens to dress like a tomboy. It is more than that though, when we spend time together I never even think about him as being male (not that I think about him as female either).
I've tried to talk to him about, but I find it very difficult because I don't want to hurt him. He says that he knows that he is male, and so it doesn't bother him if other people don't get. And that he doesn't need to fulfil a traditional male stereotype to be a man. Plus he is endlessly optimistic and understanding with me, but I feel like he should be with somebody that sees him and accepts him as fully male, rather than someone who is confused and unsure about it like me. I have my own issues with gender/dysphoria and in many ways I dress/act more traditionally masculine that he does, even though I don't see myself as being male. I think that part of the issue is that I find it difficult to separate my own feelings about me and my body, and my feelings about him and his body.
I'm not sure what to do. I adore him but I feel like I'm only going to hurt him. And not even considering if he did change his mind about surgery. I can't even imagine him have a beard of being muscular.
(I'm sure I've probably used some inappropriate somewhere in there plus this whole post is kind of transphobic, so I apologise in advance.)
I know it's easy to say and hard to do, but do try to be open and honest. It's the best policy in the long run. And welcome to Susan's!
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