Hello all I am new to the forum and glad to be here.. I came out to my wife 3 days ago and it went really well and she is extremely supportive it really feels great to get it off my chest I am 35 yrs and have had strong thoughts of wanting to be a female since as long as I can remember at least 5 every time I saw an attractive woman I would think more of how I wished I was her rather than I wish I could be with her.. Bit I always blew it off and thought that I could never do it that I was being crazy for having those thoughts.. Anyway my plan that I have discussed with my wife is to take one year for one to lose weight so if I decide to actually transition I would have a better transition also to seek therapy in that time and to learn as much as possible but my biggest thing is to see if I will ever have the courage to come out fully.. I mean I'm not depressed nor do I hate myself as a man like some do but I definitely have a stronger desire to be s woman and know that's who I truly am and would be happier that way my issue is I'm afraid to hurt my family especially me kids she range from 1 to 14 and also to hurt my parents as I am there only son and I know they would not agree with this they are amazing parents and raised me well.. Then there is a fear of my job I work construction and it is not a trans friendly environment.. So do I take the chance of losing everything to find my true self or do I just carry on being a man since am relatively happy with that also I told my wife I wanted to decide in a year one way or the other as I do not want to transition any older than I have too
Welcome to Susan't Place. Everybody transitions in there own way but I would suggest that you contact a gender therapist now and start working through your feelings. You should also consider facial hair removal as that takes forever and it's hard to pass if you need to have a couple of days growth as the result of treatment. Last, you might consider working with makeup and assembling a few outfits so you can try to role to see how comfortable you are in it. I spent about 6 months part time before going to full time but people take more or less time depending on what works for them.
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When I was 35 I have very mild feelings about being trans. So mild I didn't even realize I was trans. Within 10 years that had turned into something much stronger and was causing me serious problems. Unfortunately it seems to be a common theme among older people.
Randy1980,
Welcome to the site.
I second Dena's suggestion of hair removal. One can never start early enough on that. The therapist and losing weight is a good direction to go too.
There are a lot of members here with a lot of experience here. We can be a source of good support and information, just ask.
Welcome to Susan's. I hope you find what you are looking for. Look around, continue to join in and ask questions.
With warmth,
Joanna
I think the one year idea is wonderful. It's been about half a year since I've been asking questions about myself. And it's just at this point that I think I'm starting to have a few useful answers. Always remember that your number one goal is to do what will make you happiest, so follow your feelings.
My only recommendation is to start with a therapist as soon as you can. It's a good idea to not rush into it, and having a therapist can help you evaluate things, see different perspectives, and bring up things you may not have thought of. One year can go by quickly, and it will definitely help a lot to have someone helping you with such decisions. Plus, if you do decide to transition, you'll already have been working with the therapist and it will be easier to get on hormones if you've already been seeing the therapist than if you start seeing one at the end of the year.
That was exactly my thought shadow I'm actually taking steps towards transition by losing weight getting healthy and seeing a therapist these are things taking me in that direction but aren't permanent. So if I do decide to transition I will be ready to start hrt immediately thank you all such good advice
I agree with finding a therapist as soon as possible. I hit my breaking point where I definitely was going to transition before I told my wife, but having her support moved me along considerably faster than I expected. I thought it would be 6 months until I started HRT and another year until I did the transition. It was 3 months before HRT and 6 before full time.
One thing that does concern me with myself, is the kids. Sometimes I do question whether I'm on the right path mainly because people are treating them (and my wife for that matter) differently. They see us as a lesbian couple with kids. Sometimes I think a detransition would be a good idea for them, but it would be very detrimental to me. I guess what I'm saying here is to be as sure as you can possibly be. Your whole family will be transitioning with you. My wife was just as accepting, but she had no idea what she was up against.
therapy and the only person in the universe that can answer this is you. Join a transgender group , buy a nice dress and go to group as you want to be. No one will say anything to you because your all in the same pace as far as being trans.I live near Chicago and the Howard Brown LGBT Health clinic holds T nights 2 times a month.
**trigger warning**
When I was 35 the dysphoria was not that strong either. I had just gone through a divorce, was living in an empty house, and decided to "explore my feminine side." I set up an online persona (this was in 1999 or so, the days of Web 1.0) and I did a little private dressing around the house.
Then disaster struck. I was in a traffic court representing a client. I saw a young transgender there who was obviously on hormones, and dressing female, but she still had a few male gender markers in her face. And she also had a driving on a suspended license case under her male name. The judge did not treat her well. I was going through a custody fight over my kid at the time, and seeing that scared me right back into the closet.
I convinced myself I was a guy, purged my female stuff, dated, remarried, and things went great for about five years. Then the panic attacks started. And they got worse, and then they jacked my blood pressure. For ten years I tried everything I could think of to stop them. Sports, hobbies, yoga, meditation, tai chi, antidepressants, beta blockers, tranquilizers, alcohol, and denial. A year ago I broke down, came out to my wife, and did things like you did. I spent a year losing weight and crossdressing at home.
When the panic attacks returned and antianxiety meds did not work, I finally started gender therapy. Just being in therapy and knowing hormones are in the future was enough to banish the panic attacks for good.
If you are looking for advice, mine is, start therapy now, while you are still young and healthy.
I often ask myself "Which Pain is Worse?"
For you, go all out being "True to yourself" or ...... Wait, there was no "or...." you mentioned. And there is a lot of wiggle room between living a non-life as a male or something else as a male or whatever.
Being trans simply means you are not a cis-*. Now the hard part is figuring out what You need to do today to manage it. Which does include all the other seemingly conflicting needs and wants in your life. Only one person can know and that is you. A for real gender therapist can help a lot in sorting out all the needs and wants, prioritizing them, and getting you think about things you may not have considered, or don;t want to.
Thanks everyone all of you have really great advice.. And it gives me more to think about.. It's strange now that I have come out to my wife the urge to do it is much stronger.. But one minute I'm like alright I think I'm leaning towards doing it then the next minute I think about my kids and parents and I'm like I couldn't do that and hurt them like that.. But I am definitely going to a therapist as soon as I get back from vacation next month I'm going to see my parents so maybe being around them will help in the desission making idk a lot to think about
Quote from: Randy1980 on May 24, 2016, 10:07:48 PM
It's strange now that I have come out to my wife the urge to do it is much stronger.. But one minute I'm like alright I think I'm leaning towards doing it then the next minute I think about my kids and parents and I'm like I couldn't do that and hurt them like that
When I told people important to me, I was always at a point where I felt like I NEEDED to transition and the day after I felt like I made a mistake that I can't take back. Eventually that yo-yoing stopped.
The words "the best laid plans of mice and men do go awry" tend to come to my mind whenever I hear somebody talking about their neatly worked out plans for transition.
Don't get me wrong, its really great that you are thinking about this in advance, but always remember this is life - and "life is that thing which happens while you are busy making other plans..." In other words don't be too surprised if things turn out differently, and if you want to get the best out of the experience, always try to have the courage to adapt and go with the flow. This is an adventure, it can be the adventure of your life, or it can be the most frustrating thing you have ever done... adaptability is, I believe, the thing which determines which of those two statements matches your experience.
Good luck.
Quote from: Randy1980 on May 24, 2016, 10:07:48 PM
It's strange now that I have come out to my wife the urge to do it is much stronger..
I call this the 'Euphoria Factor" You told someone you are trans. The Earth did not open to swallow you up. A bolt of lightning did not strike squarely on the frontal lobes. A meteor(ite) did not find the 'X' on the top of your head.
OK the worse of it is over. I lived. Wow! Full speed ahead then
Rejennyrated hit the nail on the head. Transition never goes as planned and it teaches us patience and persistance. I think that we need to becareful of those who we take along on the journey. Their feelings will be complicated and rarely static. As others have mentioned therapy is crucial. Good luck!
Quote from: JoanneB on May 26, 2016, 08:52:44 PM
I call this the 'Euphoria Factor" You told someone you are trans. The Earth did not open to swallow you up. A bolt of lightning did not strike squarely on the frontal lobes. A meteor(ite) did not find the 'X' on the top of your head.
OK the worse of it is over. I lived. Wow! Full speed ahead then
Oh, yeah! I think of this as my ever-impatient 14 year old, ready to hit the mall with all the gift cash from that party. She's hard to restrain.
I'm pretty sure I'm starting HRT shortly, but even though there's a part of me that is shouting to Do Everything, I have to put the brakes on and take it slow, for both myself and the family. Fortunately, HRT is a slow process. Plenty of time to let others catch up with me, and for us all to come to some sort of consensus.
Quote from: JoanneB on May 26, 2016, 08:52:44 PM
I call this the 'Euphoria Factor" You told someone you are trans. The Earth did not open to swallow you up. A bolt of lightning did not strike squarely on the frontal lobes. A meteor(ite) did not find the 'X' on the top of your head.
OK the worse of it is over. I lived. Wow! Full speed ahead then
OMG, I've never heard of the euphoria factor, but omg, I can relate.
After I told my wife 26 years ago. Pow!
After I went out dressed the first time a month later. Pow!
After I went out three years ago after a 20 year break due to raising kids. Double pow!
I recall coming home from a weekend vacation last year where I spent 100% of the vacation as a woman including both flights as being such a euphoric peak that I had a hard time reverting back to guy mode.
Quote from: JoanneB on May 24, 2016, 08:53:02 PM
I often ask myself "Which Pain is Worse?"
For you, go all out being "True to yourself" or ...... Wait, there was no "or...." you mentioned. And there is a lot of wiggle room between living a non-life as a male or something else as a male or whatever.
I so agree with this. I sometimes fantasize about a full time transition, but I doubt I would ever do it. Why?
- Male privilege is a thing. My male income allows the female part of my life to be pretty comfortable.
- I cherish the relationship I have with my wife and kids and don't want to risk damaging it. My wife knows but isn't involved in that part of my life, which is good enough for me.
- I'm able to live my male life in such a way that I'm not betraying myself, in a thousand and one ways.
- I get enough female time to leave me barely wanting more.
I also reserve the right to change my mind. Other than some hair removal, I've managed to keep my options open, which gives me so much peace of mind.
Your mileage may vary.
Not every Transgender person need or must transition.
I for one feels at this time I am not going to for many reasons, but it doesn't mean
I feel less of a woman inside.
To me that is all that matters. As long as I feel like a woman, I am happy.
Tracey
Quote from: chris.deee on May 27, 2016, 06:42:25 PM
I so agree with this. I sometimes fantasize about a full time transition, but I doubt I would ever do it. Why?
- Male privilege is a thing. My male income allows the female part of my life to be pretty comfortable.
- I cherish the relationship I have with my wife and kids and don't want to risk damaging it. My wife knows but isn't involved in that part of my life, which is good enough for me.
- I'm able to live my male life in such a way that I'm not betraying myself, in a thousand and one ways.
- I get enough female time to leave me barely wanting more.
I also reserve the right to change my mind. Other than some hair removal, I've managed to keep my options open, which gives me so much peace of mind.
Your mileage may vary.
I have a hard time wrapping my head around the concept of "Non-Binary" applied to myself. It is an umbrella term withing the TG spectrum. Given a choice, opportunity with zero or minimal risk to me and all that I hold dear to my heart, I'd go full-time female in a heartbeat. Back in the 'Real World' .....
But, if some visitor from another galaxy came by and saw me, my life, my entirety of existence as lived today it fits the definition.
So, Do I wallow in self pity because I cannot live some idealized version of a life for me, Or say "Hey, I kinda got it all... But...." I got it all but not what I really want as far as ONE aspect of my life goes? The other half dozen or so, well they are smiling ear to ear. If it means saying I can present as male most days, have a body I LOVE to live in finally, and know I have found a way to live in peace with myself.
My therapist said to me, "Don't get hung up on labels". Perhaps I am not as "evolved" as she thinks I am since this engineer needs to have a have a flag planted in the ground to know where I am, vs where I was, vs where I would like to be, vs where I need to be. But then, Where I "Need" to be is where I am today, subject to change. MMMV (My Mileage May Vary)