Because it definitely bothers the hell out of me.
There's this deep void within me, that I feel can never be filled... not in this lifetime anyway. I really wanted to have a little girl, except I refuse to use my sperm or any of my male reproductive organs to procreate when i should've been born a girl in the first place. I want to experience pregnancy. It has me really depressed, actually. I've heard of quite a few cis women who consider suicide over infertility so I'm not at all sure how i'm gonna get through this. It doesn't even help that i keep hearing science is looking for a way for trans women to have children.
It helps me to remember that there are millions of cisgender women who are in the same boat. It gives me a sense of sisterhood with those women.
For things like this, it helps me to pray for the serenity to accept what I can't change. I'm not sure about God, so I pray to my inner strength and it works just as well.
I agree. Being infertile sucks.
Hugs.
honestly, no. reality is what it is, maybe in a hundred years science will conquer the human genome and be able to manipulate our anatomy to whatever degree they want. The reality I would like to know is will we ever find another planet with life or the answers to what is it that is exactly beyond the edge of the universe, is it just empty space or just non existence and if it is non existence what is non existence . Can you feel non existence or what happens when you go from the boundary of existence into non existence. I will definitely not be around if space travel conquers distance. I would love to give birth and probably in the future it will be possible. The human species will become totally gender neutral , but I won't experience it.
No, because overpopulation is a major concern for the world anyway. Now, being denied the opportunity to adopt (if it was based on being transgender) would bother me.
Hugs, Devlyn
Quote from: AnnaiyahStarr on June 01, 2016, 09:15:33 AM
Because it definitely bothers the hell out of me.
There's this deep void within me, that I feel can never be filled... not in this lifetime anyway. I really wanted to have a little girl, except I refuse to use my sperm or any of my male reproductive organs to procreate when i should've been born a girl in the first place. I want to experience pregnancy. It has me really depressed, actually. I've heard of quite a few cis women who consider suicide over infertility so I'm not at all sure how i'm gonna get through this. It doesn't even help that i keep hearing science is looking for a way for trans women to have children.
I used to feel that way too. But then I had the fantastic opportunity to father a child which allowed me to nurture,Then I had another, This appeased me somewhat. I fed them, took them to school, did homework, played video games, took them to the park, changed diapers. I did it all.
For a long time, I felt very jealous to my cis friends because they can conceive children. My one friend has had 3 children, who are pretty darn awesome kids. And my other friend wants to try and have a child fairly soon. Next January, but she just moved so she needs to get the new house set up and money and what not.
Like I said, I felt jealous when I hear these stories from them or see pregnant women. Like the OP, I do feel like I have missed out. Or will miss out once I go through HRT and eventually have SRS/GCS.
"I'll never be able to have kids." was a thought that would just torment me a lot. Because I adore children.
BUT!!!
Since my niece was born four years ago, I have been taking care of her, more or less, full time since my sister went back to work. So the feelings of motherhood and having children has been both accerlateated and leveld off when I take care of her. I love her, but I really want to have kids kind of feeling? if that makes sense?
But I was taking with my therapist about this during my last session, and it helps to air these feelings out, because it gave me a chance to come up with ideas on how to become a mom.
Adoption! Surrogacy! Marrying a guy with kids! etc! But I think I would choose adoption. since I am adopted as well. It always felt right adopting kids even before I figured out I was trans. It made sense to me.
So really it depends on the day for me now. I feel okay knowing I can still be a mom one day. Even if I cannot have kids the way I want, it wouldn't make my motherhood less important or make me less of a woman.
Not for me, no.... But probably because I just don't want children. I used to, but for all the wrong reasons. I guess I just felt obligated to have them. I was also in a relationship for a while where she had a couple of kids and I think that got it out of my system.
I always wanted children,so I figured the only way I could have children was to hide behind my male persona and find a woman I could love and who would be my best friend and lover. I found a woman and was somewhat up front about my girl side and was fine with my crossdressing and we have a son whom we are proud of and a daughter we are proud of. Our middle daughter died at the age of 3yrs,I had fun with em,except our oldest who my wife's parents took from her..I wouldn't trade my life for anything for I got to be dad and mom.
Let me tell y'all something:
If for arguments' sake a cis woman were to get pregnant and have a baby with my sperm, i would want absolutely nothing to do with her or that baby. I wouldn't care if it's a girl or a boy. I can't even fathom that ever happening.
Basically i refuse to parent any child that i did not give birth to myself. Besides, i don't plan inn living a long life so with that respect i don't have to worry about my daughter losing her mommy at such a young age, much less having to explain to her that her mommy was actually born a boy because I can't imagine her having to live that kind of life.
I don't care what anyone tells me I should have been born a girl and thereby should be given the right to carry and conceive a child it pains me that I can not experienced that in this lifetime. I am longing for that experience.
That i can never experience what a cis female experiences has me contemplating suicide. :'(
I have children.
That I did not give birth to them or carry them in utero does not diminish my person nor detract from my connection with them. Rather I feel gratitude and fulfilment as a parent.
Quote from: AnnaiyahStarr on June 01, 2016, 04:23:35 PM
Let me tell y'all something:
If for arguments' sake a cis woman were to get pregnant and have a baby with my sperm, i would want absolutely nothing to do with her or that baby. I wouldn't care if it's a girl or a boy. I can't even fathom that ever happening.
Basically i refuse to parent any child that i did not give birth to myself. Besides, i don't plan inn living a long life so with that respect i don't have to worry about my daughter losing her mommy at such a young age, much less having to explain to her that her mommy was actually born a boy because I can't imagine her having to live that kind of life.
I don't care what anyone tells me I should have been born a girl and thereby should be given the right to carry and conceive a child it pains me that I can not experienced that in this lifetime. I am longing for that experience.
That i can never experience what a cis female experiences has me contemplating suicide. :'(
Not like it does you no. That's pretty extreme - nobody is forcing you to abandon this hypothetical baby.
Im preserving my fertility before hormones because it's not a door I want to close on myself.
You sound very young - only very young people "don't intend to live a long life". But the world is an interesting place, with so much to do, and hopefully you'll start to see that.
If you feel suicidal, get help from wherever is fastest.
Quote from: AnnaiyahStarr on June 01, 2016, 04:23:35 PM
Let me tell y'all something:
If for arguments' sake a cis woman were to get pregnant and have a baby with my sperm, i would want absolutely nothing to do with her or that baby. I wouldn't care if it's a girl or a boy. I can't even fathom that ever happening.
Basically i refuse to parent any child that i did not give birth to myself. Besides, i don't plan inn living a long life so with that respect i don't have to worry about my daughter losing her mommy at such a young age, much less having to explain to her that her mommy was actually born a boy because I can't imagine her having to live that kind of life.
I don't care what anyone tells me I should have been born a girl and thereby should be given the right to carry and conceive a child it pains me that I can not experienced that in this lifetime. I am longing for that experience.
That i can never experience what a cis female experiences has me contemplating suicide. :'(
Many born women cannot conceive and have to use surrogacy or adoption. It's not a "right" that they have, it's a general ability that isn't universal.
That you've picked your preferred gender is also not a "right" that born women have. Those that can conceive get no choice over whether the winning sperm carries an X or a Y.
One of my best friends, now dead (much older than me), longed for a baby but was infertile after an ectopic pregnancy. She never got over it, but she went out, travelled, made great friends, volunteered, developed her interests in the arts and current affairs, lived her life fully. And her funeral (at the end of a long life) was packed with people who loved her company, some of whom had never met each other, and didn't swap stories about all she had been and done for them until then.
It bothers me - a lot. I have two kids from the past when I was a father. But now I want to be the best woman I can and yearn to be a mother. Also, I'm too old to adopt.
It bothered me to the point that in my twenties I found an attractive younger female and produced my son and daughter. I know it seems like a cruel thing to have done and it may be perceived as such. However I had to choose my path and to function I needed my own biological children. So from the moment my daughter was born and my son was almost a year old I have had full custody. They have both only known me and whilst their biological mother gave me a gift by carrying them she has never tried to see them or offer a cent towards their lives. I do not mind that part at all as I take pride in being a fulltime single parent who had no family or support networks yet I gain honours 1st class in my first university degree and came 3rd in Australasia in my second degree. All while raising a new born baby and a toddler.
As I will be beginning hrt in late July I have had some time to reflect on what I wish to do and I have decided I will adopt a child in a few years because I love kids and I have a incredible maternal instinct to care so I feel that I can give that love to a child that has no love and still feel content.
It is not easy for people like us. But in the end we have a wealth of fortitude within us, compassion and empathy so if given a chance I am sure many of us would willingly invest that love into a child that may never had been given it in the first place.
I'm sorry, I didn't mean to come off as being mean or whatever but what i was trying to say earlier was that since i hate that i was even born a boy and had to transition in the first place, i especially hate that i can't ever in this life experience what it's like to menstruate, get pregnant and to give birth -- all of which are the pure essence of being female and i refuse to be a father, biologically or otherwise, in the sense that i will not use my male repro organs to bring another life into this world. It's just not happening.
Sure, i'm going to try and live out the rest of my days being all the woman i can be but it's still going to always going to bother the hell out of me that i wasn't born a whole female. Not being genetically female alone is enough to make me not want to live, and no professional help is ever going to change that.
It's not fair to me that i couldn't be born a full-fledged female and that i can't have my own children. I should have been born a girl and if i were i'd probably be somebody's mom by now. My ability to have children was unfairly ripped away from me when i was assigned male at birth so living only for a short period of time, as well as holding on to the hope that i will reincarnate as a natal female, will be my consolation prize.
personally, I find for myself that the most beneficial approach that I can take in life is to be as realistic as possible.I mean For me personally and not necessarily applicable to anyone else is to approach life as to what is achievable and leave the non achievable for the movie theaters. Yea , life can suck and there is nothing wrong with speculation or fantasy , but when that speculation infringes on your ability to be happy or attain mental health realism is the best course to follow.People have the same issue with being trans itself. Depriving themselves of happiness because what they feel they need to make them happy is not achievable , such as being cis The whole idea of mental health is to see things the way they are and accept that and move on. Yea, it's a bitch, but it's not real.
It has always bother me since early in life, early teens. I would have loved to have given birth, become a mother to love my child, nurture & love the little boy or girl. I would have also loved to have been married to a nice solid man, to be his wife to grow a nice family. By now I'd be a grandmother.....like most of my friends.
I definitely feel the pain on this. I imagine being pregnant every single day. It is my number 1 source of dysphoria. The only solace is for me is to think of having a child (Either adopted or birthed by my wife) who is past the age that the biological functions like giving birth and breastfeeding are a factor, and I feel that she'll be a happy healthy child who is very close with her dad.(Who is a lady)
Well there is no solace for me. There's no way out for me other than death. I've always wanted to know what death is like, and what the reincarnation cycle is like. I keep saying i want to live a short life. At 25 it's time i end it on those terms, my own terms. Face it, if i don't kill myself now i'll probably end up doing so one of these days because i don't want to live a transgender life. I don't even want to be born a male and not be trans. I refuse to have either.
Time and time again I'm feeling okay but then I have my transgenderness haunt me and emotionally hurt me. I'm sick of also worrying about people not accepting me as a woman! I am sick if it all! And i don't want to hear/read "Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem," because my problem is permanent and is not something that can be fixed by prayer or by SRS. I want my revenge on whoever thought it was a good idea for me to be a boy in this life. I'll never forgive whatever caused this because i'm sick of having this hole in my soul.
Also, don't tell me to seek professional help because they're not gonna help me have a baby or give me a new lifetime as a female.
I hate living this worthless waste of a life. I have no place in this world if i have to have my girlhood unfairly snatched away from me for me to never know what it's like to be a whole female. I refuse to have a place in this world for that. So it's time i put a stop to it... permanently.
It's been real. :'(
At the end of the day you can reach out to gain support or you can choose not too. And whilst you state you do not think intervention will help you at this time, you must make that choose too. I hope you do honestly as life is a gift you only get once before your carbon returns to stardust. But it is up too you in the end nobody else.
In terms of not having children I can only empathise and endeavor to understood it in the context of my own life and I know that this grief you feel is normal and not some oddity that you alone are facing.
Be strong and make the choice you feel is right for you.
Take care
I'm sorry you feel that way . I quess I'm lucky that I embrace being trans and get a kick out of it. I'm trans unique and I love it.
Quote from: AnnaiyahStarr on June 01, 2016, 09:15:33 AM
Because it definitely bothers the hell out of me.
There's this deep void within me, that I feel can never be filled... not in this lifetime anyway. I really wanted to have a little girl, except I refuse to use my sperm or any of my male reproductive organs to procreate when i should've been born a girl in the first place. I want to experience pregnancy. It has me really depressed, actually. I've heard of quite a few cis women who consider suicide over infertility so I'm not at all sure how i'm gonna get through this. It doesn't even help that i keep hearing science is looking for a way for trans women to have children.
For me i could have kids if i wanted but it creates so much dysphoria even having that thought
so its very possible it's a big NO and that means i don't got the cash to do it either.
Iv'e always wanted kids of my own i wanted to be a father i wanted my own kids and i can't have them it upsets me
iv'e gotten really upset over it before and it hurts i feel that same void. But then i realized over time that there are so many kids who need family's that need to be adopted that i can still have that family. Sure biological is out of question and it hurts it always will, but at least i can give a home to a kid who needs one someday and give them a good life.
"Children shouldn't be born with a job." - Dr. Phil
If the reason you want to have a child is to "fill a deep void" within yourself, you should not have children.
What's that supposed to mean? I have the void because i can't and want to kill myself because of it.
Quote from: AnnaiyahStarr on June 03, 2016, 06:18:31 AM
What's that supposed to mean? I have the void because i can't and want to kill myself because of it.
Perhaps I misunderstood.
That quote is usually said to people who want to have a child because they feel unloved by everyone else in their lives and their child would
have to love them unconditionally, or to couples who want a child because they believe it will improve their relationship, etc.
If you want to have a child to validate your femininity and/or to give you a reason to live, I think that would also fall under the same idea of placing unfair responsibility on them.
Anyway ... If I am misunderstanding, please disregard. :)
So what are "right" reasons to have children then?
Quote from: AnnaiyahStarr on June 03, 2016, 06:44:54 AM
So what are "right" reasons to have children then?
Here is an article further explaining the "terrible" reasons to have a child (and why they're terrible):
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/tech-support/201512/6-terrible-reasons-you-have-child
As far as the "right" reasons ... I don't know, honestly.
The most obvious one that comes to mind is because you love children and/or you love raising children.
It bothers me, but I dont have an empty void, that needs to be filled.
I am engaged to a wonderful man and I does hurt me that I can never fall pregnant and give birth to his child. But we intend to adopt when we are ready, so I will still get to be mommy.
It hurts a little more now, that a close friend of mine is currently pregnant with her first child. She says to me that she loves been pregnant and its amazing. I am genuinely happy for her, it just made me a little broody.
Yes I understand what you are going through. Although in may case my main dysphoria revolves about being raised male rather than not being able to give birth. The truth is people on here and beyond tell you "suicide is not the right decision" But they will not give you a better option.
But you have to think about other people. If you have family they will be very upset and may even blame themselves for you early departure.
However realize that HRT (transition as a whole) will change you mood and you may feel much better if you transition. Even if there is a 0.1% chance you can be happy here is that not worth sticking around for? You have to remember that 10 years from now you may feel completely different and be glad you did not suicide.
Of course this might be like the blind leading the blind here since I am in a similar position. :-\
Quote from: ainawa88 on June 03, 2016, 06:40:54 AM
Perhaps I misunderstood.
That quote is usually said to people who want to have a child because they feel unloved by everyone else in their lives and their child would have to love them unconditionally, or to couples who want a child because they believe it will improve their relationship, etc.
If you want to have a child to validate your femininity and/or to give you a reason to live, I think that would also fall under the same idea of placing unfair responsibility on them.
Anyway ... If I am misunderstanding, please disregard. :)
I agree with you.
I can't believe nobody else is telling this very young person to seek immediate help instead of fantasizing about reincarnation.
I'm really not trying to be hurtful, I completely understand the longing, but this is very unhealthy.
Quote from: highlight on June 03, 2016, 09:40:51 AM
Yes I understand what you are going through. Although in may case my main dysphoria revolves about being raised male rather than not being able to give birth. The truth is people on here and beyond tell you "suicide is not the right decision" But they will not give you a better option.
But you have to think about other people. If you have family they will be very upset and may even blame themselves for you early departure.
However realize that HRT (transition as a whole) will change you mood and you may feel much better if you transition. Even if there is a 0.1% chance you can be happy here is that not worth sticking around for? You have to remember that 10 years from now you may feel completely different and be glad you did not suicide.
Of course this might be like the blind leading the blind here since I am in a similar position. :-\
A 0.1% chance of feeling better is definitely worth sticking around for.
And you're right that people feel differently about things and about life expectancy when they get a little older.
This is obviously a very young person in their teens or early twenties, hooked on an idealized suicide - for which there IS help.
You see this with young people who want to be part of the 27 club - live fast, die young. Doesn't seem so fabulous when you get to age 26. I had it myself a little. I certainly don't now.
I appreciate that this isn't a case of living fast and fabulously, but the sentiment is similar and it's really disturbing to see. I hope this person tries HRT, or plain old anti depressants, or getting out into the world and helping others in dire straits, before deciding that life isn't worth living.
When it comes down to actually carrying the baby and giving birth... just breathe. I know that's kind of basic and easier said than done, but I'm sure you will grow to a place where you can accept the things you cannot change.
A gamete (sperm or ovum) is a gamete. Both of them contain 23 chromosomes. Sure there are some sex-linked traits, but when it comes down to it whether you provided the sperm or the ovum it doesn't really matter. Once an embryo is created it doesn't matter which chromosomes came from the sperm and which came from the ovum. It's an embryo with 46 chromosomes. And you will be the mother. That's how I think of it anyway, and that's why I froze my sperm last month.
I know it's not quite that easy to change perspective but I figured my message couldn't hurt. <3
Quote from: AnnaiyahStarr on June 02, 2016, 10:00:41 AM
Not being genetically female alone is enough to make me not want to live, and no professional help is ever going to change that.
I have to ask, have you ever actually sought professional help? I know most people who say "nothing would help" have never actually tried doing anything at all to "get better", and are basing that assumption on their feelings rather than actual experience.
Let me say, I felt the exact same way until I decided to set my judgements aside and just try. Much to my surprise, it worked.
Quote from: highlight on June 03, 2016, 09:40:51 AM
But you have to think about other people. If you have family they will be very upset and may even blame themselves for you early departure.
Well there was the one time my mom told me in a very bitchy way that i will never be a woman, and i felt like killing myself then and leaving a suicide note outting her for saying that.
Quote from: highlight on June 03, 2016, 09:40:51 AMHowever realize that HRT (transition as a whole) will change you mood and you may feel much better if you transition. Even if there is a 0.1% chance you can be happy here is that not worth sticking around for? You have to remember that 10 years from now you may feel completely different and be glad you did not [commit] suicide.
Me finishing my transition is the only thing i have to look forward to in this world.
Quote from: alex82 on June 03, 2016, 08:52:44 PM
I can't believe nobody else is telling this very young person to seek immediate help instead of fantasizing about reincarnation.
I don't thing a lot of people on here care that much or thought i was already as dead as i feel inside.
Quote from: alex82 on June 03, 2016, 08:52:44 PMI'm really not trying to be hurtful, I completely understand the longing, but this is very unhealthy.
Having babies or reincarnating as a female?
Quote from: alex82 on June 03, 2016, 09:02:19 PM
This is obviously a very young person in their teens or early twenties, hooked on an idealized suicide - for which there IS help.
[~~~~ snip ~~~~]
I appreciate that this isn't a case of living fast and fabulously, but the sentiment is similar and it's really disturbing to see. I hope this person tries HRT, or plain old anti depressants, or getting out into the world and helping others in dire straits, before deciding that life isn't worth living.
As i already said in this thread i'm 25 years old. I wish i were as young as you thought i was, but i don't feel like living a very long life at all. I hope i'm dead before i see my fiftieth birthday. It's screwed up because i was hoping to finish my transition by 25 but unfortunately i'm not. I don't even want to live past 40, really.
Trust me, if i start taking antidepressants or any other medication other than my HRT -- which by the way i'm already on -- i have the very strong feeling i'll be more depressed than i'm already am.
I didn't get an official diagnosis but i think i'm bipolar actually. I'm feeling ok one minute and then sad and depressed the next. Not to mention my dad, who himself was bipolar, killed himself when i was 7.
Quote from: Ellement_of_Freedom on June 03, 2016, 10:37:06 PM
When it comes down to actually carrying the baby and giving birth... just breathe. I know that's kind of basic and easier said than done, but I'm sure you will grow to a place where you can accept the things you cannot change.
A gamete (sperm or ovum) is a gamete. Both of them contain 23 chromosomes. Sure there are some sex-linked traits, but when it comes down to it whether you provided the sperm or the ovum it doesn't really matter. Once an embryo is created it doesn't matter which chromosomes came from the sperm and which came from the ovum. It's an embryo with 46 chromosomes. And you will be the mother. That's how I think of it anyway, and that's why I froze my sperm last month.
I know it's not quite that easy to change perspective but I figured my message couldn't hurt. <3
Thanks... for whatever it was worth. But as long some other person other than me is carrying the baby and giving birth to her then i am firmly against it. I refuse to be a biological father and provide the sperm to create an embryo. Before i have my GRS i'm not freezing my sperm even though that will depress me even more but that is a difficult choice i had to make.
I've actually come to accept that i'll never have children in this life, which means I will never know what it's like to be somebody's mom, i'll never know what a 9-month pregnancy is like. I'm just going to have to live a completely child-free life.
The reasons why i decided this is because i did previously state i don't want to live very long and my daughter deserves better than to lose her mom early on because she didn't want to live long; you'd think a good parent would love her child unconditionally, regarding of the gender or how it's conceived but in order for me to do that the baby would have to come out of my body, i would have to be the one to carry it in my body for nine months, and i want a girl. I would not want to raise a boy at all, I am that adamant about it. I don't want to be part of the baby's life if it didn't come from me or if it's a boy.
And maybe that's why I wasn't born a girl in this life but I would hate for that to be the reason why I had to be born a boy because there a naturally-born females who treat their children horribly!
Quote from: ainawa88 on June 04, 2016, 12:10:50 AM
I have to ask, have you ever actually sought professional help? I know most people who say "nothing would help" have never actually tried doing anything at all to "get better", and are basing that assumption on their feelings rather than actual experience.
Let me say, I felt the exact same way until I decided to set my judgements aside and just try. Much to my surprise, it worked.
I am seeing a behavioral specialist at the Mazzoni Center. She did refer me to psycho-therapy at one point when my depression hit a deep dark point but as of yet, i did go there but i have yet to go back because of all this paperwork that needs to be filled out and signed which i'm nervous about doing.
Forgot to add:
None of this is to say i don't have the desire to be pregnant, at some point during or after my transition, i will wear a prosthetic pregnant belly in public so people will think i'm pregnant.
Quote from: AnnaiyahStarr on June 04, 2016, 04:27:14 PM
Well there was the one time my mom told me in a very bitchy way that i will never be a woman, and i felt like killing myself then and leaving a suicide note outting her for saying that.
Me finishing my transition is the only thing i have to look forward to in this world.
I don't thing a lot of people on here care that much or thought i was already as dead as i feel inside.
Having babies or reincarnating as a female?
As i already said in this thread i'm 25 years old. I wish i were as young as you thought i was, but i don't feel like living a very long life at all. I hope i'm dead before i see my fiftieth birthday. It's screwed up because i was hoping to finish my transition by 25 but unfortunately i'm not. I don't even want to live past 40, really.
Trust me, if i start taking antidepressants or any other medication other than my HRT -- which by the way i'm already on -- i have the very strong feeling i'll be more depressed than i'm already am.
I didn't get an official diagnosis but i think i'm bipolar actually. I'm feeling ok one minute and then sad and depressed the next. Not to mention my dad, who himself was bipolar, killed himself when i was 7.
Thanks... for whatever it was worth. But as long some other person other than me is carrying the baby and giving birth to her then i am firmly against it. I refuse to be a biological father and provide the sperm to create an embryo. Before i have my GRS i'm not freezing my sperm even though that will depress me even more but that is a difficult choice i had to make.
I've actually come to accept that i'll never have children in this life, which means I will never know what it's like to be somebody's mom, i'll never know what a 9-month pregnancy is like. I'm just going to have to live a completely child-free life.
The reasons why i decided this is because i did previously state i don't want to live very long and my daughter deserves better than to lose her mom early on because she didn't want to live long; you'd think a good parent would love her child unconditionally, regarding of the gender or how it's conceived but in order for me to do that the baby would have to come out of my body, i would have to be the one to carry it in my body for nine months, and i want a girl. I would not want to raise a boy at all, I am that adamant about it. I don't want to be part of the baby's life if it didn't come from me or if it's a boy.
And maybe that's why I wasn't born a girl in this life but I would hate for that to be the reason why I had to be born a boy because there a naturally-born females who treat their children horribly!
I am seeing a behavioral specialist at the Mazzoni Center. She did refer me to psycho-therapy at one point when my depression hit a deep dark point but as of yet, i did go there but i have yet to go back because of all this paperwork that needs to be filled out and signed which i'm nervous about doing.
Both. Reincarnation - not realistic. Certainly no reason to kill yourself in the hope that next time it'll be better. There likely isn't a next time. If there is, it might be worse - and on balance of probability, you'd have an equal shot at being born male again. Either way, you won't know about it or be able to apply your relief at not living this life to the one that follows.
If reincarnation is even a thing, you have far more chance of being reborn in the third world or a slum or a warzone than you have of being born again in North America or Western Europe. Most of the world don't live in either place, and don't have the option of keeping going, or simply not filling in some paperwork because they can't face it.
You don't need to 'raise a boy' if it's so abhorrent to you. You don't need to raise a child at all in that case. They aren't your playthings. If you'd be that cruel and negligent to a child because of their gender, it's probably best that you steer well clear of parenthood, let alone designer babies - which is what demanding it is the 'right' sex in order to be loved is. This hypothetical daughter - what if she's not perfect? Not the little girl you want to live vicariously through? What if she's a butch lesbian? What if she's born in the wrong body?
You are not a "suicide victim" - you are still alive. I for one care that you remain so. I think everyone here would be devastated to hear that you'd killed yourself at such a young age instead of taking a chance and keeping going. There must be things you enjoy even despite these feelings - do them. Or find out what they are. Volunteer to help other people to get outside the noise in your own head. Have infertility counselling - many cis women need it because they can't conceive either. You can't seriously believe that if you topped yourself, you'd be lying in a mortuary freezer thinking ''ha, revenge at last - how sweet'' and on to planning how to attach your spirit to a sperm with an X in a western country. You'd be done, gone, dead, headed for the crematorium instead of living your life and making the best of it, which is what everyone has to do. Some people might have relatively easy lives - most don't, and everyone has pain.
Go fill out your paperwork - it's not a big ask to access the help that might very well improve your life massively. I'm truly sorry to hear about your fathers suicide, and about your mothers reaction to you.
You
ARE as young as I thought you were - 25 is not old. The best revenge - and the only type - is living well. Death is not revenge, it just scrubs you out of the equation. It would surely be far preferable for others in your life - most of whom you've yet to meet - to look back in decades to come and say ''that was a good life, with a bad hand that she turned round'' rather than shortly be saying ''what a waste of youth and potential'' and then move on without you.
You gave someone really good advice in another thread, about focusing on the future.
I had a very strange mixture of emotions when my oldest child was born (I now have four). Of course I was so happy to have a baby of my own, even if I wasn't the biological mother. I was also really sad I wasn't the mother and didn't get to experience pregnancy, but admittedly kind of glad I didn't have to go through what I had just seen my wife go through.
But it was also perhaps the most dysphoric day of my life because I had it in my head that having kids meant that transitioning would never be possible for me. I was wrong, but I didn't know it then.
Honestly my kids have always had two moms, even though I looked like a guy until a few years ago. I was never a typical father. I was nurturing, attentive, and emotionally involved. I cook and clean and do my daughter's nails. I also taught them how to pitch a tent and how to check the oil in the car...but my mom taught me those things too.
I totally get why you feel like you missed out on a big part of being a woman. But a lot of women can't conceive, and many more just never had the chance to have their own children. My aunt never had kids of her own, but that didn't make her experience any less authentically female. So this 100% or nothing (suicide) approach makes no sense to me.
What your mom said to you was meant to be hurtful. Don't let it be. Don't prove her right.
I said it before and I am going to again as I am the good and bad cop in my household. You either can get help or you can wallow in the "but zone" becoming entrenched in your own self-loathing.
IE
But I know it won't.....
I know I should but...
You have no I idea, but...
But...but, but.. excuses upon excuses.
You need to become more solution focused my dear or you will never become anything but a statistic that will be forgotten. (yes I sound like a bitch and that is fine as I can bare that title if it means you act)
The reality is I can empathise with you and I know that you are sad, however you need psychological help and you need it now rather than latter. It is hard to take the first step and it takes real courage to face it.
I also know I sound harsh in stating all of this and not everyone will agree with this approach yet you are not a child so having honest blunt advice from someone is a given at our age. We are adults and we made this far so we know we can make it further still.
Just open your eyes and look up, we are entering a time of great social change for those of us who are intersex or trans* and being a part of this change requires people who are not only courageous but also willing to lead by example. We see people like us emerging everyday, we are no longer alone and we are able to make changes and demand them at last.
In fact artificial wombs are in the early stages as we speak within international research and within a matter of years will become something the medical field will be able to utilize. Even if you are 35-40 when it is available to you it is worth waiting and if you can not wait then you do not deserve the right to bring life into this world. In labs in Australia, US and Germany research is being conducted with stem cells, lab grown skin tissues, vaginas grown in a lab from our own cells, and the organs are working in those used to test the science. Bone therapy, transplants, cells being place in eggs to create life that is genetically those of the cell donor.
All of this is real and happening and you are invited to be a part of this change. However it is as always up to you. I know if I want something I will never stop until I reach it and I do this because I am willing to crawl in the dirt, fight, suffer and rise again if it means so much to me.
Again I sound very nasty here but sometime we need to hear it like it is. So here is my thoughts on what you have wrote thus far.
It seems to imply you are not ready at this very moment to be a mother as you are stuck in the big old "but zone" where is it all about "me" and if I do not get it right now then I am going to yell and scream.
Now the flipside of all of this is you seem passionate about it and that is inspiring and I respect that above all else. You also are not alone here either. You might feel alone, but you are not and we ALL care about you. I care about you and I may never have meet you but I honestly really do care. I care because it is my role in this world to care and nurture and it is also the thing I struggle with the most. When I see or hear a narrative it becomes a part of me and I feel that sadness in a way I can not articulate nor can I forget. I can only imagine what it must feel like for you as I feel empty just thinking about it. I wish I could reach out and hold you and say never give up in person. Sadly all I have are 0's and 1's but they are for you.
So please get help and prove me wrong, become a geat mum and use your passion instead of allowing it to consume you.
A lot of times I felt sorrow for not being able to give birth to a child. Children came up as a topic of conversation after work this week and I realized that I'm over 30 and in one year I'll be as old as my parent's were when I was born and that probably I'll never have a child of my own which made me quite sad.
I'm not in a place in my life where I could or want to take care of children but as I'm still before HRT sperm banking crossed my mind again to make sure that the possibility to have children genetically related to me is not lost completely.
I guess I did not realize how much this upsets me, I did not expect that I'll be on the verge of tears by the time I write this sentence.
Quote from: AnnaiyahStarr on June 04, 2016, 04:27:14 PMThanks... for whatever it was worth. But as long some other person other than me is carrying the baby and giving birth to her then i am firmly against it. I refuse to be a biological father and provide the sperm to create an embryo. Before i have my GRS i'm not freezing my sperm even though that will depress me even more but that is a difficult choice i had to make.
But there are thousands of ciswomen around the world that can't conceive naturally. They still go on to become beautiful mothers via alternative methods. The same goes for transwomen. I'm just using the cis example to show that even if you were born as a cisgendered woman, you might not have been able to conceive naturally also. People deal with this kind of thing all the time. But something tells me your issues are a little more complicated, so I second what everyone has has said. Do get help, you'll feel better for it. <3
I do understand - I think most people reading this will.
When I was in my early 20's I said to a friend in a club that I'd rather be dead - she kicked the entire table full of glasses and bottles and ashtrays at me for wallowing in self indulgent dangerous fantasy.
I don't want to be dead at all. And I have the same sorrow and dysphoria as you. Years ago I begged a mental hospital to admit me for a rest - I stood outside and kept pressing the bell until someone who worked there would speak to me. They wouldn't even open the door, so I said ''I'm not leaving, you'll have to call the police - if I can't come in I'll sleep on the doorstep''. A nurse at the end of his shift took an hour or so to speak to me - which was way over his duty seeing as I wasn't a patient.
Just fill in your forms and see where you end up.
I think I might actually be able to help with the reincarnating thing. I myself have had similar thoughts. I imagine killing myself and being reborn as a girl and given the childhood I wish I had had. I also have had "crazier" thoughts. Like the idea that I could somehow trans-fare my consciousness into a female body (I was interested in the occult >:-))
Looking back on that last one I thinks it's absolutely crazy now. Sounds like something out of a comic book. :laugh: But desperation can unhinge even a most rational mind.
Right now I don't feel depressed I don't feel happy. I just feel "blank" I feel nothing. :embarrassed: ???
I am hoping that HRT can sort this out.
The only thing I have found that really helps in any sort of way is finding "meaning" in the whole process. I myself try to think god has given me a purpose of some kind that involves ->-bleeped-<-.
But you can probably find a secular one too. Try altruism too. Maybe you could somehow help others who are in a similar position (Maybe become a therapist). Happiness is like jam you cannot spread it around without getting some on yourself. :laugh:
But these may be unhealthy coping mechanisms that someone as unhappy as you has devised so I am not sure whether this is advice you should take.
PS: On a separate note I am actually in the age group that some people on here have labeled as the "live fast die young squad". I am 20 and this describes my mind set to a large degree, I have thought about taking up heavy smoking (I am currently a nonsmoker) deliberately to die quicker.....which is very sad.
Quote from: highlight on June 04, 2016, 09:28:27 PM
I think I might actually be able to help with the reincarnating thing. I myself have had similar thoughts. I imagine killing myself and being reborn as a girl and given the childhood I wish I had had. I also have had "crazier" thoughts. Like the idea that I could somehow trans-fare my consciousness into a female body (I was interested in the occult >:-))
Looking back on that last one I thinks it's absolutely crazy now. Sounds like something out of a comic book. :laugh: But desperation can unhinge even a most rational mind.
Right now I don't feel depressed I don't feel happy. I just feel "blank" I feel nothing. :embarrassed: ???
I am hoping that HRT can sort this out.
The only thing I have found that really helps in any sort of way is finding "meaning" in the whole process. I myself try to think god has given me a purpose of some kind that involves ->-bleeped-<-.
But you can probably find a secular one too. Try altruism too. Maybe you could somehow help others who are in a similar position (Maybe become a therapist). Happiness is like jam you cannot spread it around without getting some on yourself. :laugh:
But these may be unhealthy coping mechanisms that someone as unhappy as you has devised so I am not sure whether this is advice you should take.
PS: On a separate note I am actually in the age group that some people on here have labeled as the "live fast die young squad". I am 20 and this describes my mind set to a large degree, I have thought about taking up heavy smoking (I am currently a nonsmoker) deliberately to die quicker.....which is very sad.
Sorry, that was me.
Don't smoke if you don't already :police:. It wouldn't even kill you that prematurely - you'd likely be middle aged or early old aged before lung cancer caught up with you, and it's apparently a really horrible way to go - with your lungs actually disintegrating and being coughed up. Half the time it doesn't even happen - for every smoker who dies at 60, there will be a 95 year old saying ''never did me any harm''.
I used to drive my car at 120/130mph and not care if it crashed - I'd think ''if it goes out of control at this speed, that'd be it anyway''. It never did btw - I guess if I was really trying to actively kill myself, I would've driven recklessly as well as just fast. I'm so glad it never did crash. I don't want to be dead, and I certainly don't want to be disabled. Ending up alive but disabled is a very common result of attempted suicide.
I think your altruism point can't be said enough.
Completely the opposite for me.
I'm delighted that sterility is one of the effects of HRT. I've never liked children, never liked being around them, and can't think of a greater hell than having to live with a child all the time. (Just my own view, of course) I decided at the youngest age that I never wanted children, and nothing has made me change my mind in the intervening twenty years. Most people probably see sterility as a negative effect of HRT, but for me it's nothing but positive.
So I may be crazy with this, but I want to post to get some feedback.
Yesterday, I had terrible stomach cramps and bloating. It felt like my intestines were being turned inside out. All in all not a pleasant feeling. I was texting my best friend and I mentioned how I was feeling. Her response was that it sounds like a period/menstrual symptoms. She asked how long I had been having them (two years and about once a month more or less).
Her response was interesting to me:"In being trans, you don't get a period. Sometimes this experience you get seems to happen on almost a monthly basis. It is kind of almost like your body is trying to convince you that you have a period and/or are having menstrual symptoms."
I mentioned the two years because that was when I came out and accepted to myself about being trans. I do not know if there is a correlation between these cramps and being trans. Or if it is just an IBS thing. That being said I am going to track this and see what the time-line is (if it is really a month to month).
Doesn't bother me dont really want to have children, but if i really wanted i would probaly have to look in to adoption it would probally be better any way to adopt a child rather then have one. this way you would get a child and the child would get a home.
I've got two already. I have zero regrets and am happy I had them both no matter how they got here. I only wish I knew then what I know now and I would have probably done a better job of raising them both. But as it is they turned out pretty good.
Not at all. I have never wanted children. Same with my wife, or so she tells me. :D
I think it bothered me more in the past when I was younger, when my transition was complete the only dysphoria I had was ''pregnancy envy'' it was a form of dysphoria for me, but now I'm in my 50s I've lived with it for years, I'm now married to a wonderful man and Im now a housewife with time on my hands, but I can't get pregnant and have his child, doesn't bother me as much as it did in the past, but that's down to my age, well a woman a my age doesn't think about getting pregnant, I'm lucky it doesn't bother my husband, he still loves and accepts me as a woman, with or without children.
I have never, at any time in my life, wanted children. At my age, I sure as heck don't want to start having them now. So I am perfectly fine with permanently losing the ability to have them.
Quote from: AnnaiyahStarr on June 02, 2016, 10:00:41 AMi especially hate that i can't ever in this life experience what it's like to menstruate, get pregnant and to give birth -- all of which are the pure essence of being female and i refuse to be a father, biologically or otherwise, in the sense that i will not use my male repro organs to bring another life into this world. It's just not happening.
From what I have heard from my wife and daughter, having a period, and being pregnant are not what they are cracked up to be. from the perspective I am married maybe I'm off course. Cut to the chase. The only thing that matters is the baby. Having a period does not give you fulfilment nor does getting pregnant. Who wants morning sickness, bloating?. I sense you are about the attention it would bring and not really about female emotions, the sense of nurturing, even the health of the child.
While I agree with you it would be a exhilarating experience to give birth and I know it is as I have been there for the birth of both my children. I know i am in the wrong body but being a pragmatist I realize the limits of science to perform miracles. So start your HRT, get your SRS, and FFS which in themselves is pretty amazing. But before you do put some of those little swimmers on ice. You will, be glad you did if you happen to change your mind about having children. and they will still be "your" children.
Quote from: SophiaBleu on July 27, 2016, 01:51:59 PM
Not at all. I have never wanted children. Same with my wife, or so she tells me. :D
I felt that way too with my first wife and eventually put it off until I was 35. I always knew I was different. But at the time I was born they had very little knowledge of ->-bleeped-<-,even fewer roll models such as Christine Jorgensen and Christine Cossey. Today there are a whole cadre of brave individuals standing up to the stereotype. Jazz Jennings for one, even Kaitlin, even a cadre of actors, models and now politicians
But i can't even imagine my mental state today if I had not had my children But in the back of my head was always the fear that someone would pick up on my proclivities to crossdress and take my kids away.
Besides, having kids is fun. It's particularly entertaining to deliberately embarrass them when they are teenagers by being seen with them in public. LOL
The OP seems to be assuming that if she'd been born with a female reproductive system that she was guaranteed to be fertile - and there are many women who are not fertile for a variety of reasons. OP, how do you think you would have dealt with that?
Quote from: kelly_aus on July 27, 2016, 08:58:19 PM
The OP seems to be assuming that if she'd been born with a female reproductive system that she was guaranteed to be fertile - and there are many women who are not fertile for a variety of reasons. OP, how do you think you would have dealt with that?
The way i'm dealing with it now.
Quote from: AnnaiyahStarr on June 02, 2016, 10:00:41 AM
I'm sorry, I didn't mean to come off as being mean or whatever but what i was trying to say earlier was that since i hate that i was even born a boy and had to transition in the first place, i especially hate that i can't ever in this life experience what it's like to menstruate, get pregnant and to give birth -- all of which are the pure essence of being female and i refuse to be a father, biologically or otherwise, in the sense that i will not use my male repro organs to bring another life into this world. It's just not happening.
. I wanted to be a fireman but had a bad heart. I ended with a 40 year career as a Production Engineer and Buyer. We all dream of something different. I prayed from an early age that somehow a miracle would transform me. Well unfortunately some 45 years later I no longer believe in miracles. I believe in myself, and with the help of the internet I am much better informed then was available at that time. If this were available and as easy to investigate 40 years ago, I would be looking for a womans room today. All the time I was praying I was becoming more and more angry. To the point of alienating everyone I loved, everyone I befriended. Something had to change. Next month I will begin HRT. It's been a long time coming. With the revelation that I was not a born man but rather a combo, and the woman was tired of being in the background all the time. I finally was honest with my therapist and revealed my confusion and desire to live as I was meant to be. Now I'm on my way.
I probably would have liked being a mother, but that was not possible. Then again, I am glad I never became a father. The dysphoria would be much worse, if I had.