I have drastically reduced my online posting it mostly isn't worth the aggravation. I mostly read and chat privately. Sometimes I still share some happy things online like photos. A little bit I share some sad things online. This thread is about a sad subject, so now for the rest of this post TRIGGER WARNING SUICIDE thoughts and how this is treated in many trans groups and by many people.
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I've been banned recently from a couple of large trans groups for rather ooenly describing how I feel about myself and my own suicide. Not any other person except myself, and with trigger warnings. I find this rather dismaying since about 42% of trans women ACTUALLY attempt suicide and about 82% of trans women seriously consider suicide at some point or points in their lives. So it's highly relevant to nearly all trans girls, and at least for myself I find talking honestly about it helps. I've read that some studies show that talking about it openly can help many people but I am no medical expert so I won't speak for others I will speak only for myself.
So, despite being seriously considered at some point or points in their life by about 82% of trans women, it seems to be a heavily taboo topic in most trans groups which I feel is rather contradictory.
My eventual death is more likely to come from my own suicide than from natural causes. For example, I won't tolerate being gravely ill for any significant amount of time I will simply choose my own date of death. From my viewpoint this is actually quite rational for ME but maybe not for any other person. I only speak for myself.
Would I kill myself for financial reasons if I were to ever find myself out on the street without realistic hope of rapidly finding some reasonable form of shelter ? You bet I would seriously consider this. Yes. Just step in front of a truck.
I almost did my own suicide in 2015 due to an awful lot of bullying against me, mostly about my physical appearance and people intentionally calling me a "man" even though it is well-known that I am legally female on my USA passport, that I have lived full time female for some time now, and all my clothes are quite girly. Well, those people who did that against me in 2015 and I also had it happen against me in 2014 earlier in my transition, well they almost succeeded in their apparent goal of getting me to do my own suicide. Bullying KILLS via suicide and murders. Many people give lip service against bullying but then either do bullying themselves or condone bullying by others or turn a blind eye.
I'll post this thread in a couple or few groups. It might get deleted or I might get banned from more groups. I don't care much anymore. I don't really need to post in trans groups much if at all now anyway. My real life as full-time Jennifer among cis people as a WOMAN not a trans woman is actually mostly going spectacularly well in nearly all aspects right now.
I now share much less of the positive details of my real life on the Intrnet because I have found that too many people use my positive life details to directly harm me or my reoutation in some major ways. So I now keep my currently significant major successes as day to day 24 7 Jennifer to a close circle privately of close friends and in this way I avoid emotional harm to me inflicted against me by others when I used to share most of my daily life details very publicly. NO MORE it is way too harmful to me to do so even when I report super positive stuff that happens to me in my daily life. I have a wealth of experience and expertise especially in doing a full transition to womanhood in an international environment across multiple continents. But because I have been so severely emotionally harmed by my former habit of rather completely and openly sharing my private life stuff and feelings and events, now only a very small number of closer friends hear about the details of some major successes I am having as full time 24 7 Jennifer.
I always retain the option to do my suicide at any time during my life. Likely I WILL die via suicide rather than natural causes -- I just don't know if it will be in 1 month or in 10 years -- the date remains to be seen. xx
I've thought about suicide 24/7 since I was in grade school and I'm 64 years old. Thoughts of of suicide have been my companion for ever since I can remember , but I've never done it because I make it past the darkness so far and come back to the light.
Yeah, death is a strange topic for people. In addition to the triggering thing, and it just being a morbid subject which people often like to avoid in general, I think a sort of echo-chamber like environment can occur among those who ideate suicide and self-harm. It can cause things to escalate and teach people new ways to do harmful things, rather than provide any sort of help.
Don't get me wrong, it's really nice to get emotional support from other people who understand those feelings and don't just recoil in horror and go "SUICIDE IS THE WORST THING YOU CAN EVER DO", but I think most responsible places will try to steer people toward places that are trained to deal with such a potentially volatile mental and emotional state - here there be dragons.
And I also get that you're trying to have a conversation more on the level of compassionate euthanasia or something, and the desire to have an element of control over your own life and its ending, but even that is still pretty frowned upon in our society, unfortunately. It kind of reminds me of something we see with abortion : when you make it illegal and something nobody's supposed to talk about then the only resources the people who need it can find are shady at best, and it creates an environment rife with misinformation.
I'm pretty wiped out, I'll clean this post up later if need be, hopefully I've made a cogent point or two. If not, meh, we'll live.
Get it.
We'll live.
In a suicide thread.
Quote from: IdontEven on June 01, 2016, 11:34:47 AM
Yeah, death is a strange topic for people. In addition to the triggering thing, and it just being a morbid subject which people often like to avoid in general, I think a sort of echo-chamber like environment can occur among those who ideate suicide and self-harm. It can cause things to escalate and teach people new ways to do harmful things, rather than provide any sort of help.
Don't get me wrong, it's really nice to get emotional support from other people who understand those feelings and don't just recoil in horror and go "SUICIDE IS THE WORST THING YOU CAN EVER DO", but I think most responsible places will try to steer people toward places that are trained to deal with such a potentially volatile mental and emotional state - here there be dragons.
And I also get that you're trying to have a conversation more on the level of compassionate euthanasia or something, and the desire to have an element of control over your own life and its ending, but even that is still pretty frowned upon in our society, unfortunately. It kind of reminds me of something we see with abortion : when you make it illegal and something nobody's supposed to talk about then the only resources the people who need it can find are shady at best, and it creates an environment rife with misinformation.
I'm pretty wiped out, I'll clean this post up later if need be, hopefully I've made a cogent point or two. If not, meh, we'll live.
Get it.
We'll live.
In a suicide thread.
As you put it "compassionate euthanasia" is part of it, but only part of it. Trans women of any age can be repeatedly and severely bullied by both trans bullies and cis (non-trans) bullies. Bullying against me during my mostly successful transition nearly has driven me to my own suicide. And then the bullies bully me even more for reporting publicly that I have been suicidal largely as a result of their bullying.
I have a wealth of super spectacular POSITIVE events that are currently happening daily to me in my real life, and I could really help newer trans ladies with some of this as I used to -- but I do this very. little nows.
Jealous vindictive people trans and cis have frequently found ways to harm me and my reputation -- ->-bleeped-<- that -- no more. I'm mostly done for good in extensive public sharing of my life in trans groups. In THIS thread I am sharing some pretty heavy stuff -- but notice that I am omitting most details about what I am doing today or this week. No more. My happiness is far more important to me than being dragged down by those out to harm me because I've publicly shared way too much about the details of my now COMPLETED very successful transition to beautiful JENNIFER.
I've had in-person sexual relations with about FORTY (40) men since I went full-time as Jennifer. Anyone who wishes to harm me because I just revealed THAT fact publicly, go right ahead. I have a great real life among trans people and a great flirting life online with hundreds of MEN. You may unfriend me if you don't like that fact. My happiness is far more important to me than what people think of how I conduct my life.
And I always retain the option of my own suicide at any time. xx
Hi Jennifer,
I've wanted to be female for as long as I can remember, but I would always just tell myself that I have greater priorities and just ignored my innate desires. This self-abdication and resulting low valuation of my life, also made me long consider suicide. 9 months ago, though, I realized this wasn't a tenable course, and since then I've progressively incorporated my gender into my life, and as result, I haven't thought about suicide at all.
The reason I think I'm not suicidal anymore, but the rejection of others, after you were open with your feelings, is causing you to consider suicide, is because I'm very scrupulous about the ideas I value. For instance, if someone says something transphobic, I will question them, and if their argument is clearly false, I won't value their argument, and if they don't want to accept a more logical argument, I won't care about what they think about the subject.
I'm not sure what people are telling you that is making you feel rejected (is it just about the subject of euthanasia and some people referring to you as male, or something else?), but if you would like to talk about it here, maybe we can look at all sides of the argument, in order to build the requisite conviction, or change of perception, to not feel suicidal post-acceptance. As long as you're happy and productive, I promise I won't tell you what you are doing is wrong.
Nothing, absolutely nothing is worth ending a life!!!! Nothing......You can all do better than even think about that. Enjoy the good things in your life, you have lots of them. Yes we all have troubles, everyone does. Take care & good luck to all of us.
I'm convinced that in a highly transphobic culture like the one found in most of the USA, the cultural viewpoint on transgendered persons offers preferred 'solutions' to the 'problem' of being a transgender person:
1) Socially acceptable: Suicide
Society views suicide by the transgender person as putting themselves out of society's misery. That is, the transgender person had the decency to recognize that their existance is culturally unacceptable and has removed themselves. Society can shed a few crocodile tears, give a big "Aww. Too bad, so sad." and get back to their cheeze nachos and pro wrestling, or other vital concerns.
2) Socially tolerable: Self-medication
Just another unconscious body in an alleyway, or half-seen figure staggering down Skid Row? No problem. Obviously a lesser person, Not One Of Us, and safely ignored. Of course, they continue to exist (for a while) as a drain on societies resources, and others in society will occasionally see and be uncomfortable with them, so this isn't as socially acceptable as suicide.
3) Socially unacceptible: Continued Existance
I don't value a culture that seeks to deny my existance very highly. It's obviously defective, functioning on broken or false premises. We do exist. We're here. We're in your parks. We're in your stores. We're in your workplace. We're in your restrooms. We're in your face, so you damn well better get used to us, and change your sick culture.
I've come awfully close to Option 1, which led to my being here. I pretty much decided that there was no way I wanted to fulfil the needs of a sick culture in preference to my own. I choose Option 3.
I still consider death by suicide as a possibility for myself, especially because I don't know how my transition will go, and if I'll be able to retain my friends and family - I'm transitioning because I felt suicidal, and so if transition only makes things worse...
The thing is I can't tell anyone in my life about it, because they'll think I'm not rational or they'll feel like it's their fault, but it is a large motivation for my transition. It's this or die, or at least cease living i.e. never get out of bed. It is good to be able to have somewhere online where you can say that you're lowkey suicidal and not have it explode into drama
I had to work for a few hours and now I have some time to come back. So far you all have had some compassionate yet open-minded and very polite answers. This s very different to some of the types of reactions I have had to this type of subject in some other trans groups.
Shortly I will take some time to reply to some of your kind and thoughtful comments more one-by-one, but first let me say thank you to the members here who has responded so far for being VERY thoughtful and polite, and for any Admin who have seen this thread so far to allow this discussion to develop in an emotionally thoughtful and conversationally polite way. This increases my confidence to share some of these thoughts in this thread. Thank you for not banning me so far for so openly discussing the subject of suicide as it relates to me personally. I promise not to flood the site with threads about this subject. A dedicated thread on this specific topic as it relates to ME (since I cannot presume to speak for anyone else on so delicate a subject) might help me and also might help others in some way. I felt very rejected when the first trans group banned me a couple lof weeks ago for bringing this up -- in fact the group rejection caused me to enter significant depression for about 8 hours. I realize the Admin and others are probably watching this thread closely to see how it develops, so f we continue in this thread as it has been conducted up to now, this gives me some feelings of safety.
As I said in this thread I won't be changing my basic decision to drastically cut back on the amount of posting I do in trans groups on the Internet -- and my strong desire to protect my emotional happiness by refraining from now on to give anywhere close to the amount of personal details which bullies have often used to attack me -- either via intimate emotional feelings I shared publicly and got repeatedly viciously attacked at various times in 2014 and 2015 or because shared too many specific details publicly about how I conduct my life that people disagreed with and bullied any perceived imperfections of Jennifer's physical appearance, gender, frequency of flirting with men, manner of dressing, and much other stuff -- I will for sure continue to discuss this publicly MUCH less as it protects me much better from emotional attacks -- but okay so far good in THIS thread so let's see where this thread goes from here.
I feel this thread is off to a very polite and emotionally helpful start. :)
Quote from: Michelle_P on June 01, 2016, 12:46:50 PM
I'm convinced that in a highly transphobic culture like the one found in most of the USA, the cultural viewpoint on transgendered persons offers preferred 'solutions' to the 'problem' of being a transgender person:
1) Socially acceptable: Suicide
Society views suicide by the transgender person as putting themselves out of society's misery. That is, the transgender person had the decency to recognize that their existance is culturally unacceptable and has removed themselves. Society can shed a few crocodile tears, give a big "Aww. Too bad, so sad." and get back to their cheeze nachos and pro wrestling, or other vital concerns.
2) Socially tolerable: Self-medication
Just another unconscious body in an alleyway, or half-seen figure staggering down Skid Row? No problem. Obviously a lesser person, Not One Of Us, and safely ignored. Of course, they continue to exist (for a while) as a drain on societies resources, and others in society will occasionally see and be uncomfortable with them, so this isn't as socially acceptable as suicide.
3) Socially unacceptible: Continued Existance
I don't value a culture that seeks to deny my existance very highly. It's obviously defective, functioning on broken or false premises. We do exist. We're here. We're in your parks. We're in your stores. We're in your workplace. We're in your restrooms. We're in your face, so you damn well better get used to us, and change your sick culture.
I've come awfully close to Option 1, which led to my being here. I pretty much decided that there was no way I wanted to fulfil the needs of a sick culture in preference to my own. I choose Option 3.
WONDERFUL post honey and very helpful to me. <3
+1 to your reputation for this post.
HUGS,
Jennifer Lopezgomez
Quote from: Peep on June 01, 2016, 01:08:44 PM
I still consider death by suicide as a possibility for myself, especially because I don't know how my transition will go, and if I'll be able to retain my friends and family - I'm transitioning because I felt suicidal, and so if transition only makes things worse...
The thing is I can't tell anyone in my life about it, because they'll think I'm not rational or they'll feel like it's their fault, but it is a large motivation for my transition. It's this or die, or at least cease living i.e. never get out of bed. It is good to be able to have somewhere online where you can say that you're lowkey suicidal and not have it explode into drama
Exactly honey ! I would describe myself as, like you, low-key suicidal a significant percentage of the time in reaction to certain emotional triggers that I have. I agree that -- at least so far in this thread -- that we seem able to super politely and respectfully fairly openly discuss this subject without it turning into high dramas, bannings, or emotional insults. I wish this could be true in more trans groups.
As I said at the outset, serious consideration to suicide one or more times in one's life happens to nearly all trans ladies -- about 82% of us in total, which is nearly ALL of us. To me it is highly saddening that this subject frequently results in high drama, bannings, and increased risk of actual successful suicide. This thread to this point is a good example to the contrary -- this actually IS discussable if done as we all are so far in THIS thread.
Honey, my transition is COMPLETE. I live now as a WOMAN among cis (non-trans) people highly sucessfully and few people in real life know I am trans. They accept me as JENNIFER a woman, not a trans woman, at work, where I live, in shopping centers, in about 95% of my real life.
Honey, to protect myself emotionally I am now helping very few trans ladies -- but I will make an exception for YOU. PM me or contact me on fb in some way and I will help you in any reasonable way that I can. You may speak openly about suicide with and I won't freak out or go into high drama about it.
LOVE to you,
Jennifer Lopezgomez
Quote from: stephaniec on June 01, 2016, 11:22:10 AM
I've thought about suicide 24/7 since I was in grade school and I'm 64 years old. Thoughts of of suicide have been my companion for ever since I can remember , but I've never done it because I make it past the darkness so far and come back to the light.
Succinct, highly personal bried quote and heartfelt. Marvelous.
Hugs to you honey,
Jennifer Lopezgomez
Jennifer I have to applaud you for bringing this topic up and in a way that is not offensive...well not to me anyway.
My first suicide attempt was at 14 I am now 52. I knew then how difficult my life would be, my second was at age 19 because I didn't know I had any other choices but again this was foiled by Luck? After trying desperately to get help I gave up and decided I didn't care and lead a dangerous existence for a number of years with suicide a near thought.
I found my current partner 4 years later and it is she that has kept my sanity intact for most of the last 30 years. But 2 years ago I was back thinking about another attempt because I could see no way out with out destroying my life. But here is the weird thing
In 2000 I lay on a hospital bed with my organs systematically shutting down and I was going to die. The Drs could not work out what was wrong because I had been lying to them about what I had been drinking and taking. The pain from this was something akin to being skewered with a hot iron from about mid chest all the way to just above the hips. My pancreas had blocked and was auto-digesting itself and therefore breaking down leaking enzymes and other goodies all through my abdomen, essentially chemically burning my insides, shutting down my kidneys, bowel, liver and damaging most of these along the way. I have been told by cis women who have experienced this that they would rather give birth than have that kind of pain ever again.
I was very motivated to have this pain stop and I find myself in a unique position...I am dying which I can maybe prevent by telling the truth or I can take my exit now...no suicide...just another unfortunate casualty of Alcohol.
I don't know to this day what made me tell them the truth. The end result has been 16 years of chronic pain which is now very well controlled but only in the last 3 years. Until two years ago I had not even considered suicide despite my pain...I found too many other reasons I wanted live and the main one was my family and I don't ever want to find myself in the position again so I am finally in transition mode and doing this has saved my life. I don't want it to sound dramatic but it is a simple fact.
Liz
Hi Jennifer,
I have had several fiends from group die in the past 3 years. I am sad they are gone yet I understand.
My father had a massive stroke when I was young. When he came home we had him in a hospital bed in the living room. My Mom and I took care of him for the 3 agonizing months as he withered. We fed him with a T tube. We changed him, bathed him and did mouth care. He could say no, ouch, go and die. He was paralyzed. One morning I was with him and he had a massive stroke and died. I called my Mom and we watched him die.
My Mother died in and ICU after 3 months of hell. She died from an infection which started in a surgical site. It was 3 months of hell for her. I was there when she died. She was comfortable due to morphine.
When my voice broke at age 11 I stood on a 90 foot rail road bridge over the Penny Pack creak. I stood on bridges and high rise buildings since then. Several times I was drunk and high. In Dec. 2012 two days in a row I tried suicide on I95 twice with tractor trailers. The second time I do not know how the driver pulled it off. I got help that day and did an in-service. Then a gender therapist and later medications for depression. June 2015 I tried to commit suicide again. Again the tractor trailer driver did some miraculous stopping. I realized I had to make a choice, fully come out, fully transition and as a result divorce. Since then suicide has been less a driving force yet still there and often.
Last night I had to go over my divorce agreement with my wife and let her know I was going to the court house today and changing my name Friday. She knew but not the exact day. I was thinking about suicide with my super 90 in my bedroom. I asked why am I caught in this? I thought and answered, because I would rather think suicide then address the issues. I addressed the issues.
I am starting to understand myself and the cause of my suicidal ideation. I am figuring out myself. Yet, in the end I do not fear picking the time but only when the alternatives are terminal.
From my understanding, what is bothering you is that people have negatively criticized your appearance, your manner of dressing, your sex life and your opinions. Your reaction to these criticism is to block these views and tell yourself that you're right in capital letters. The problem, though, is doing this prevents you from understanding why you're either right or wrong, and as a result, you are aching for validation.
To help you build conviction, so you aren't so easily harmed, and to help you acquire the validation that all of us desire, could you tell us which criticisms bother you the most and why they're wrong? Some of us might have disagreements with you and you might be wrong about some things, but to acquire anything, you must be willing to grow and to work through the prospect of pain.
WOW what an amazing post!
Like others I have been thinking about suicide since I was 10 .
I'm now 52 ,
After a very emotional weekend with my wife I decided to come out to our best friends of 20 odd years
hoping that my wife would finally have someone to perhaps talk to and supports her.
She has been dealing with this on her own for 3 years.
My friends wife basically said leave him!
I then get a text from my friend saying how angry he is with me and that I'm going to lose a lot of people over this.
So not only are they no support but now I worry they will out me!
Have I thought about suicide over this yes will I do it who knows
We all go through bad stages this is my time a guess
Kiwi
Quote from: stephaniec on June 01, 2016, 11:22:10 AM
I've thought about suicide 24/7 since I was in grade school and I'm 64 years old. Thoughts of of suicide have been my companion for ever since I can remember , but I've never done it because I make it past the darkness so far and come back to the light.
Honey, this is a wpnderful succinct summary of continuous low-level suicide thoughts that you have managed well enough to still be here. HUGS yes this sounds much like me in this regard although for me not quite as early as grade school -- cannot recall exactly when but it has been there to some degree for me for quite awhile, too.
Hugs,
Jennifer Lopezgomez
Quote from: ElizabethK on June 01, 2016, 05:22:47 PM
Jennifer I have to applaud you for bringing this topic up and in a way that is not offensive...well not to me anyway.
My first suicide attempt was at 14 I am now 52. I knew then how difficult my life would be, my second was at age 19 because I didn't know I had any other choices but again this was foiled by Luck? After trying desperately to get help I gave up and decided I didn't care and lead a dangerous existence for a number of years with suicide a near thought.
I found my current partner 4 years later and it is she that has kept my sanity intact for most of the last 30 years. But 2 years ago I was back thinking about another attempt because I could see no way out with out destroying my life. But here is the weird thing
In 2000 I lay on a hospital bed with my organs systematically shutting down and I was going to die. The Drs could not work out what was wrong because I had been lying to them about what I had been drinking and taking. The pain from this was something akin to being skewered with a hot iron from about mid chest all the way to just above the hips. My pancreas had blocked and was auto-digesting itself and therefore breaking down leaking enzymes and other goodies all through my abdomen, essentially chemically burning my insides, shutting down my kidneys, bowel, liver and damaging most of these along the way. I have been told by cis women who have experienced this that they would rather give birth than have that kind of pain ever again.
I was very motivated to have this pain stop and I find myself in a unique position...I am dying which I can maybe prevent by telling the truth or I can take my exit now...no suicide...just another unfortunate casualty of Alcohol.
I don't know to this day what made me tell them the truth. The end result has been 16 years of chronic pain which is now very well controlled but only in the last 3 years. Until two years ago I had not even considered suicide despite my pain...I found too many other reasons I wanted live and the main one was my family and I don't ever want to find myself in the position again so I am finally in transition mode and doing this has saved my life. I don't want it to sound dramatic but it is a simple fact.
Liz
Hi Elizabeth well thank you honey I feel happy that you don't feel offended by the manner in which I have introduced this thread. At least if anyone IS offended by how I introduced this thread, thank you very much for not replying in a confrontational manner and for allowing our useful discourse to continue at this time. Many people here seem to be responding quite positively to the themes we are discussing. It feels so friendly to me to this point it doesn't even feel like a debate. To me it feels more like an open-ended yet careful sensitive discussion among friends. I feel quite grateful for this. Thank you.
Wow 2 serious genuine attempts as a teenager I feel glad you weren't successful. And then a wonderful partner for DECADES as your bedrock.
Your survival of chronic severe physical pain for years is rather amazing.
YES you like me Elizabeth and many other friend I know went on medical HRT and went full time and other key aspects of this journey not as a choice -- more like a life or death decision. I paid heavy prices and sacrifices to go full time when I did but I would almost for sure jumped from a tall building had I not gone full time when I did.
2 or 3 times just weeks before I went full time Jennifer I leaned physically over the edge of a tall building without guardrails. I decided that I wanted to feel essential happiness as full time Jennifer so I didn't jump -- I moved to a far away location and went full time where people only knew me as Jennifer. I will NEVER "go back" I am Jennifer for the rest of my life.
I truly believe you Elizabeth when you say this transition has saved your life, from pain or even suicide. Me too. As I recounted in the last paragraph.
Hugs to you,
Jennifer Lopezgomez
Quote from: JenniferLopezgomez on June 01, 2016, 10:39:20 PM
Hi Elizabeth well thank you honey I feel happy that you don't feel offended by the manner in which I have introduced this thread. At least if anyone IS offended by how I introduced this thread, thank you very much for not replying in a confrontational manner and for allowing our useful discourse to continue at this time. Many people here seem to be responding quite positively to the themes we are discussing. It feels so friendly to me to this point it doesn't even feel like a debate. To me it feels more like an open-ended yet careful sensitive discussion among friends. I feel quite grateful for this. Thank you.
Wow 2 serious genuine attempts as a teenager I feel glad you weren't successful. And then a wonderful partner for DECADES as your bedrock.
Your survival of chronic severe physical pain for years is rather amazing.
YES you like me Elizabeth and many other friend I know went on medical HRT and went full time and other key aspects of this journey not as a choice -- more like a life or death decision. I paid heavy prices and sacrifices to go full time when I did but I would almost for sure jumped from a tall building had I not gone full time when I did.
2 or 3 times just weeks before I went full time Jennifer I leaned physically over the edge of a tall building without guardrails. I decided that I wanted to feel essential happiness as full time Jennifer so I didn't jump -- I moved to a far away location and went full time where people only knew me as Jennifer. I will NEVER "go back" I am Jennifer for the rest of my life.
I truly believe you Elizabeth when you say this transition has saved your life, from pain or even suicide. Me too. As I recounted in the last paragraph.
Hugs to you,
Jennifer Lopezgomez
Too many of us die at our own hands. I think it is a subject that is important to us all because I doubt there are many here who have not weighed up suicide as an option at some point in their life...sad but true
Liz
Wow. All you people on high ledges and rooftops. I won't let myself near them because the desire to jump is too strong. I apparently can't even keep harmful substances that would be "easy" as I WILL take them in a moment of...I don't even know. I have to keep stopping myself from buying a bunch of stuff with harmful intent.
I have at least some hope for my future, most aspects of my life have never been better. I'm finding joy and fulfillment in the things I do and relationships I make. I get really excited and happy about where my life may be headed. But holy crap do I like hurting myself. I guess I always have but now when I get all emo I come up with new and inventive ways to do so, and it makes me feel better, wtf is THAT?
I push the boundaries and experiment with doing things that aren't determinedly suicidal, but there's some hope that it works out that way, and if not then at least I hurt myself a bit, and expanded my knowledge of...what do you even call it, death-skirting activities, and their effects? The last one has left me nauseous weak and dizzy since Sunday. The nausea part sucks, the rest is kind of nice. It feels kind of like having one foot in the grave or something. It's a feeling that competes with the things I don't want to feel.
I don't want to hurt the people kind enough to care about me, I don't want to die, I don't want to cripple myself, and I don't want to live this life or be me anymore.
I guess it all comes down to having allowed myself to entertain blatantly self harmful thoughts and it just keeps escalating, but that cognitive behavioral crap doesn't work. I -dont- love and accept myself, saying it doesn't make me feel better. It just buys me 5 or 10 minutes of willful denial. The only thing that ever makes me feel better is doing something self destructive, or simply not feeling due to unconsciousness.
At this point I think I'm freaking out the people that care about me whenever I let any of this show, and causing them to begin distancing themselves emotionally to protect themselves. Or it gets tiring dealing with crazy people. Either way :p
Seriously though I've got to end this cycle I'm in, it's escalating entirely too far and is self-reinforcing it seems. How the hell did I get here?
Bleh I don't know what the point of this post is except to whine. If you mods decide it crosses a line just edit my post to be puppies and kittens, don't lock the thread please.
No Hon,
I wont lock it. Have you managed to talk to a good shrink/counsellor I'm not saying that would help but it does sound as if it may be useful.
You sound like where I was many years ago when the despair and life had gone too far. I was lost and no way could I get out by myself.
As we know many transgender people contemplate self harm and suicide. Unfortunately my staff and I deal with it regularly behind the scenes. We do help most and some just never post again - and that hurts.
I have been suicidal and I do know what it is like.
But when you are on the phone to a friend trying to talk them down and she puts a gun in her mouth and blows her head off it puts a different perspective on the right to take your own life.
She didn't end her pain. She passed it on to me, and that was not a nice thing to do.
So do think what suicide means; you are passing your pain on and we need to be certain we have that right.
Quote from: Cindy on June 02, 2016, 03:09:52 AM
No Hon,
I wont lock it. Have you managed to talk to a good shrink/counsellor I'm not saying that would help but it does sound as if it may be useful.
You sound like where I was many years ago when the despair and life had gone too far. I was lost and no way could I get out by myself.
As we know many transgender people contemplate self harm and suicide. Unfortunately my staff and I deal with it regularly behind the scenes. We do help most and some just never post again - and that hurts.
I have been suicidal and I do know what it is like.
But when you are on the phone to a friend trying to talk them down and she puts a gun in her mouth and blows her head off it puts a different perspective on the right to take your own life.
She didn't end her pain. She passed it on to me, and that was not a nice thing to do.
So do think what suicide means; you are passing your pain on and we need to be certain we have that right.
Thanks Cindy! I feel haooy that Admin here at least allows this type of discussion to continue, so long as it is civil as it most assuredly has been to this point I feel.
It sounds like you have helped many with this issue. I have helped some people too with this issue but it was some time back not recently.
I feel that bullying is one of the primary causes of feeling suicidal. Whether this bullying comes from cis people or trans people. I feel is especially awful when it comes from trans people against other trans people -- because we trans ladies are already such a small % of the population like 0.3% or so -- so other trans people should know better since other trans people have likely been bullied themselves either pre-transition or perhaps early in their transitions. Of course for most trans ladies who suffer bullying against them the source of the bullying is likely more frequently bigoted or uninformed cis (non-trans) people.
I do feel that no one can force me to live. That is my own decision to make about my own life.
Thank you for your kind words Cindy.
Hugs,
Jennifer Lopezgomez
I feel it is healthy and important to talk it out when a person is feeling suicidal, as transgender people we are part of a rather high risk group
Quote from: IdontEven on June 02, 2016, 02:58:18 AM
Wow. All you people on high ledges and rooftops. I won't let myself near them because the desire to jump is too strong. I apparently can't even keep harmful substances that would be "easy" as I WILL take them in a moment of...I don't even know. I have to keep stopping myself from buying a bunch of stuff with harmful intent.
I have at least some hope for my future, most aspects of my life have never been better. I'm finding joy and fulfillment in the things I do and relationships I make. I get really excited and happy about where my life may be headed. But holy crap do I like hurting myself. I guess I always have but now when I get all emo I come up with new and inventive ways to do so, and it makes me feel better, wtf is THAT?
I push the boundaries and experiment with doing things that aren't determinedly suicidal, but there's some hope that it works out that way, and if not then at least I hurt myself a bit, and expanded my knowledge of...what do you even call it, death-skirting activities, and their effects? The last one has left me nauseous weak and dizzy since Sunday. The nausea part sucks, the rest is kind of nice. It feels kind of like having one foot in the grave or something. It's a feeling that competes with the things I don't want to feel.
I don't want to hurt the people kind enough to care about me, I don't want to die, I don't want to cripple myself, and I don't want to live this life or be me anymore.
I guess it all comes down to having allowed myself to entertain blatantly self harmful thoughts and it just keeps escalating, but that cognitive behavioral crap doesn't work. I -dont- love and accept myself, saying it doesn't make me feel better. It just buys me 5 or 10 minutes of willful denial. The only thing that ever makes me feel better is doing something self destructive, or simply not feeling due to unconsciousness.
At this point I think I'm freaking out the people that care about me whenever I let any of this show, and causing them to begin distancing themselves emotionally to protect themselves. Or it gets tiring dealing with crazy people. Either way :p
Seriously though I've got to end this cycle I'm in, it's escalating entirely too far and is self-reinforcing it seems. How the hell did I get here?
Bleh I don't know what the point of this post is except to whine. If you mods decide it crosses a line just edit my post to be puppies and kittens, don't lock the thread please.
Hi dear, thank you for being so open with your feelings.
It sounds to me like you get emotional good feelings through thrill seeking. It sounds like you like me maybe we don't always value our lives particularly highly and perhaps we both accept our own mortality so we care little whether we live or not. I would just say to you -- be careful in the sense that I feel that living is usually going to be the right decision and the death decision is rather permanent. So, glad you are mostly enjoying your life. I mostly am, as well. Take care dear.
Hugs,
Jennifer Lopezgomez
Quote from: V M on June 02, 2016, 03:59:37 AM
I feel it is healthy and important to talk it out when a person is feeling suicidal, as transgender people we are part of a rather high risk group
Indeed VM. About 82% of us seriously think about it, and about 42% of us actually attempt it at least once. I agree it should be discussable, in polite ways, in trans groups. Unfortunately it usually isn't allowed, as my 2 recent bannings will attest to. It is good that this thread is, to this point anyway, being super politely conducted and permitted to continue. This is very helpful to me and likely helpful to others as well.
Hugs,
Jennifer Lopezgomez
Quote from: autumn08 on June 01, 2016, 12:37:43 PM
Hi Jennifer,
I've wanted to be female for as long as I can remember, but I would always just tell myself that I have greater priorities and just ignored my innate desires. This self-abdication and resulting low valuation of my life, also made me long consider suicide. 9 months ago, though, I realized this wasn't a tenable course, and since then I've progressively incorporated my gender into my life, and as result, I haven't thought about suicide at all.
The reason I think I'm not suicidal anymore, but the rejection of others, after you were open with your feelings, is causing you to consider suicide, is because I'm very scrupulous about the ideas I value. For instance, if someone says something transphobic, I will question them, and if their argument is clearly false, I won't value their argument, and if they don't want to accept a more logical argument, I won't care about what they think about the subject.
I'm not sure what people are telling you that is making you feel rejected (is it just about the subject of euthanasia and some people referring to you as male, or something else?), but if you would like to talk about it here, maybe we can look at all sides of the argument, in order to build the requisite conviction, or change of perception, to not feel suicidal post-acceptance. As long as you're happy and productive, I promise I won't tell you what you are doing is wrong.
Hi Autumn, Super post honey and very accurate about the "low-life valuation" aspect. Im doing super well as full time beautiful Jennifer 24 7 at work, social, shopping and all else...but you are right I put a low value on my life so I dont care strongly how much longer I live and I fully accept my own mortality. Sure I avoid being raped, avoid bad neighborhoods at night, and so on but I don't really care either way in the medium and long term whether I am here or not. It really doesn't make much difference in the world for me.
The other things you said are excellent. I prepared a much longer reply to you but I dont know whether the website here timed out on me or my computer had a glitch but I lost about an hour long letter response I just prepared for you. Now I have various work and rest commitments so I will have to re-prepare my more details reply to you shortly, probably this will be within about 24 hours or so.
Hugs,
Jennifer lopezgomez
Yes, I am quite well aware of the stats and the main point is to keep the conversation civil and on topic so those who may possibly be at risk have the benefit of finding help and understanding
It may surprise you as to how many have actually attempted and who among us is struggling with suicidal ideation, for some people it can be a daily struggle
Naturally it is important to seek professional help but also talking it out with others in a civilized group setting can be very important as well
It is actually most dangerous when a person who is known to entertain suicidal ideation stops or even refuses to discuss their feelings
Quote from: JenniferLopezgomez on June 01, 2016, 11:06:36 AM
I have drastically reduced my online posting it mostly isn't worth the aggravation. I mostly read and chat privately. Sometimes I still share some happy things online like photos. A little bit I share some sad things online. This thread is about a sad subject, so now for the rest of this post TRIGGER WARNING SUICIDE thoughts and how this is treated in many trans groups and by many people.
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I've been banned recently from a couple of large trans groups for rather ooenly describing how I feel about myself and my own suicide. Not any other person except myself, and with trigger warnings. I find this rather dismaying since about 42% of trans women ACTUALLY attempt suicide and about 82% of trans women seriously consider suicide at some point or points in their lives. So it's highly relevant to nearly all trans girls, and at least for myself I find talking honestly about it helps. I've read that some studies show that talking about it openly can help many people but I am no medical expert so I won't speak for others I will speak only for myself.
So, despite being seriously considered at some point or points in their life by about 82% of trans women, it seems to be a heavily taboo topic in most trans groups which I feel is rather contradictory.
My eventual death is more likely to come from my own suicide than from natural causes. For example, I won't tolerate being gravely ill for any significant amount of time I will simply choose my own date of death. From my viewpoint this is actually quite rational for ME but maybe not for any other person. I only speak for myself.
Would I kill myself for financial reasons if I were to ever find myself out on the street without realistic hope of rapidly finding some reasonable form of shelter ? You bet I would seriously consider this. Yes. Just step in front of a truck.
I almost did my own suicide in 2015 due to an awful lot of bullying against me, mostly about my physical appearance and people intentionally calling me a "man" even though it is well-known that I am legally female on my USA passport, that I have lived full time female for some time now, and all my clothes are quite girly. Well, those people who did that against me in 2015 and I also had it happen against me in 2014 earlier in my transition, well they almost succeeded in their apparent goal of getting me to do my own suicide. Bullying KILLS via suicide and murders. Many people give lip service against bullying but then either do bullying themselves or condone bullying by others or turn a blind eye.
I'll post this thread in a couple or few groups. It might get deleted or I might get banned from more groups. I don't care much anymore. I don't really need to post in trans groups much if at all now anyway. My real life as full-time Jennifer among cis people as a WOMAN not a trans woman is actually mostly going spectacularly well in nearly all aspects right now.
I now share much less of the positive details of my real life on the Intrnet because I have found that too many people use my positive life details to directly harm me or my reoutation in some major ways. So I now keep my currently significant major successes as day to day 24 7 Jennifer to a close circle privately of close friends and in this way I avoid emotional harm to me inflicted against me by others when I used to share most of my daily life details very publicly. NO MORE it is way too harmful to me to do so even when I report super positive stuff that happens to me in my daily life. I have a wealth of experience and expertise especially in doing a full transition to womanhood in an international environment across multiple continents. But because I have been so severely emotionally harmed by my former habit of rather completely and openly sharing my private life stuff and feelings and events, now only a very small number of closer friends hear about the details of some major successes I am having as full time 24 7 Jennifer.
I always retain the option to do my suicide at any time during my life. Likely I WILL die via suicide rather than natural causes -- I just don't know if it will be in 1 month or in 10 years -- the date remains to be seen. xx
Speaking your mind, that is all you ever need to do in this world hence my profile quote.
You posting this is something that can help a lot of people websites have a tendency to do things their ways
and not look at both sides of the story's or open their ears to listen to something instead of Instantly deleting it without consideration of the meaning for it to be posted. I'm glad to see you're posting this i'm glad to see you're able to bring awareness and speak about it also. However, i think you're safe here. Actually iv'e always wondered about if i should speak up about my Experiences but I always thought that if I went into deep into my own experiences that is very possible somebody would delete it or make a mockery out of it. That's what I get for being cyber bullied for most of my life, I always have that constant fear even when that fear isn't necessarily something that will happen and if it isn't fear it becomes paranoia a paranoia that's hard for some to understand. I relate to what you said(even if its (a difference in the story's) and I can understand I'm somebody who also like many have had suicide attempts.
It was only this year that I actually was lucky enough I lived what i did didn't kill me I never actually did the full attempt not until this year and lucky, i faild when i tried.
I think sharing stories like this is very important I think it helps other people relate and it helps other people realize it also helps people understand that people care.
I'm sorry if I might not of understood everything you posted I have trouble reading long posts but I need to respond I need to respond for my own feelings and reasons and I could type why but I don't feel like I really have to. Thank you for this post is all i can say. And your courage to speak your mind is awesome never stop is a great way to go :) always speak out.
Quote from: V M on June 02, 2016, 05:37:53 AM
Yes, I am quite well aware of the stats and the main point is to keep the conversation civil and on topic so those who may possibly be at risk have the benefit of finding help and understanding
It may surprise you as to how many have actually attempted and who among us is struggling with suicidal ideation, for some people it can be a daily struggle
Naturally it is important to seek professional help but also talking it out with others in a civilized group setting can be very important as well
It is actually most dangerous when a person who is known to entertain suicidal ideation stops or even refuses to discuss their feelings
Oh I know it can be a daily struggle for many trans ladies because I myself have had this last for multiple-day time periods. Plus some of my trans friends have told me privately their similar feelings over multiple days.
Actually VM it wouldn't surprise me at all to learn of many here who have in the past actually attempted it, because 42% of us trans ladies actually have attempted it at least once. That's nearly half of us. That's kinda scary.
I agree with you wholeheartedly that silence from someone with imminent risk is high risk. +1 to your reputation for this observation.
This is also why I feel so dismayed to get banned and silenced in some trans groups for bringing up my feelings as they relate to ME and no other person on the subject of suicide.
Hugs
Jennifer xx
Quote from: Midnightstar on June 02, 2016, 06:54:35 AM
Speaking your mind, that is all you ever need to do in this world hence my profile quote.
You posting this is something that can help a lot of people websites have a tendency to do things their ways
and not look at both sides of the story's or open their ears to listen to something instead of Instantly deleting it without consideration of the meaning for it to be posted. I'm glad to see you're posting this i'm glad to see you're able to bring awareness and speak about it also. However, i think you're safe here. Actually iv'e always wondered about if i should speak up about my Experiences but I always thought that if I went into deep into my own experiences that is very possible somebody would delete it or make a mockery out of it. That's what I get for being cyber bullied for most of my life, I always have that constant fear even when that fear isn't necessarily something that will happen and if it isn't fear it becomes paranoia a paranoia that's hard for some to understand. I relate to what you said(even if its (a difference in the story's) and I can understand I'm somebody who also like many have had suicide attempts.
It was only this year that I actually was lucky enough I lived what i did didn't kill me I never actually did the full attempt not until this year and lucky, i faild when i tried.
I think sharing stories like this is very important I think it helps other people relate and it helps other people realize it also helps people understand that people care.
I'm sorry if I might not of understood everything you posted I have trouble reading long posts but I need to respond I need to respond for my own feelings and reasons and I could type why but I don't feel like I really have to. Thank you for this post is all i can say. And your courage to speak your mind is awesome never stop is a great way to go :) always speak out.
Sir you have complete comprehension of my feelings. We meld.
Our details might be a bit different, but our overall feelings and intuition are nearly identical.
+1 to your reputation for your courage to speak out here. I feel your fear of rejection for doing so, yet you have done so. That takes LOTS of courage sir. Please continue to go for your own happiness.
Sadly I can no longer speak out as much as previously as I have been emotionally torpedoed and attacked by too many people over too long a time period and my emotional happiness and emotional survival system cannot tolerate any more of this. So I won't change my new approach that I've used recently which is a MUCH reduced online public presence. THIS thread represents a current exception for me.
I will continue to share quite openly and politely in THIS thread even if you don't hear much from me at all anymore outside of this thread other than an occasional photo of beautiful Jennifer.
By the way, I am close to being able to afford my boob job to DD cup or DDD cup. Just have to save up a wee bit more money. :) :) :)
Quote from: JenniferLopezgomez on June 02, 2016, 11:35:54 AM
Sir you have complete comprehension of my feelings. We meld.
Our details might be a bit different, but our overall feelings and intuition are nearly identical.
+1 to your reputation for your courage to speak out here. I feel your fear of rejection for doing so, yet you have done so. That takes LOTS of courage sir. Please continue to go for your own happiness.
Sadly I can no longer speak out as much as previously as I have been emotionally torpedoed and attacked by too many people over too long a time period and my emotional happiness and emotional survival system cannot tolerate any more of this. So I won't change my new approach that I've used recently which is a MUCH reduced online public presence. THIS thread represents a current exception for me.
I will continue to share quite openly and politely in THIS thread even if you don't hear much from me at all anymore outside of this thread other than an occasional photo of beautiful Jennifer.
By the way, I am close to being able to afford my boob job to DD cup or DDD cup. Just have to save up a wee bit more money. :) :) :)
Congrats on being able to afford that soon
And do what's comfortable for you, but please don't let the people pushing you down take away that happiness
you know the people who hurt me pushed me down so far it took up until a couple days ago to find that same courage again. So i understand ( I was the target of cyber bullying form 12 years old until 16 and then dealt with server problems for years until i said something, and the road didn't end but it sure made me stronger. It i hope it did/helped you too in a weird way idk how to put it.)
Quote from: JenniferLopezgomez on June 02, 2016, 11:20:40 AM
Oh I know it can be a daily struggle for many trans ladies because I myself have had this last for multiple-day time periods. Plus some of my trans friends have told me privately their similar feelings over multiple days.
Actually VM it wouldn't surprise me at all to learn of many here who have in the past actually attempted it, because 42% of us trans ladies actually have attempted it at least once. That's nearly half of us. That's kinda scary.
I agree with you wholeheartedly that silence from someone with imminent risk is high risk. +1 to your reputation for this observation.
This is also why I feel so dismayed to get banned and silenced in some trans groups for bringing up my feelings as they relate to ME and no other person on the subject of suicide.
Hugs
Jennifer xx
In the very early part of learning to come to terms with who I was...bearing in mind I have only reached a point of self acceptance over the course of the last year. But During this time suicidal idealization was with me every day for the first 6 months. As I progressed through the hugely difficult stage we all have of coming to terms with ourselves I would think I had reached a great point only to have it torn down with this kind of "Broken" thinking.
This has reduced now to maybe once or twice a month and no longer my first "go-to" solution.
I think you are right, many trans ladies suffer this as they progress along their path,when I could see real progress it made Suicide far less attractive. I guess part of the trouble is when you are feeling like that, reaching out is the furtherest thing from your mind. Its a nasty double edged sword...
Liz
Quote from: V M on June 02, 2016, 05:37:53 AM
It may surprise you as to how many have actually attempted and who among us is struggling with suicidal ideation, for some people it can be a daily struggle
(Raises hand)
I never made any actual attempts, but for many years in childhood, suicidal ideation, including coming up with realistic and reliable plans, was my only friend and my only support when facing yet another day of being always in the wrong. I couldn't talk about either the ideation or my misery with anyone, because they'd simply explain how it was really my fault. I now think that the ideation was my way of comforting myself that there was, indeed, a way out if things got worse than I could bear. (Of course, I would have to succeed because if I got caught failing, I knew they'd
really punish and guilt-trip me.)
The ideation has never really gone away. Whenever things get tough or I get tired and discouraged, I slide back into that pit and suicidal ideation, like a teddy bear you've had since childhood and whose fake fur is rubbed bare almost everywhere, is the one companion who never abandons me.
Actually, even now, the majority of people will react to any expression of being miserable with rationalizations as to why it's your fault. I guess it's one way of pushing away just how horrible things can be for some people.
Jennifer. You, we, all of us, have a purpose. Whether it be to educate, inform, share our experience. Now that you have suicide off your chest you can do what you were meant to do. Live your life and don't worry how others perceive you. Wouldn't that be the best revenge? Having been near death a couple times, I realized what a precious gift life really is. If you kill yourself the ignorant will remain ignorant, the pious will continue to misread the Bible. The hypocrites will have no opposition. I hope that if you consider euthanasia you'll be around 80 years old. What I have witnessed in the last few months is that a lack of a national presence makes our voices seem insignificant. Just remember there are 5 million members of the NRA. Look what they have been able to accomplish. There are at least a couple million of us, if we present as one unified voice we can change the perception. www.transequality.org. Because the right wing does not understand or want us is why all this state action is taking place. Because they know if it is a National Referendum they will fail.
Quote from: Asche on June 03, 2016, 10:19:10 AM
(Raises hand)
I never made any actual attempts, but for many years in childhood, suicidal ideation, including coming up with realistic and reliable plans, was my only friend and my only support when facing yet another day of being always in the wrong. I couldn't talk about either the ideation or my misery with anyone, because they'd simply explain how it was really my fault. I now think that the ideation was my way of comforting myself that there was, indeed, a way out if things got worse than I could bear. (Of course, I would have to succeed because if I got caught failing, I knew they'd really punish and guilt-trip me.)
The ideation has never really gone away. Whenever things get tough or I get tired and discouraged, I slide back into that pit and suicidal ideation, like a teddy bear you've had since childhood and whose fake fur is rubbed bare almost everywhere, is the one companion who never abandons me.
Actually, even now, the majority of people will react to any expression of being miserable with rationalizations as to why it's your fault. I guess it's one way of pushing away just how horrible things can be for some people.
This this this
plus i feel like the people around me would take my transition more seriously if they knew how bad it made me feel, but the thought of telling them how unhappy i've been for the past 13 years is a pile of nope... so i'm stuck between making light of my situation so i don't upset anyone, but also really wanting it to be taken seriously.
Makes me think back to the fact that I have always felt that I couldn't really share my experience. It's hard because I feel my suicidal thoughts have been a big part of my trans* experience and it isn't something I can separate. It was hard when I was 13 and I didn't know the reasoning behind my depression and it's hard now. Personally it is just mostly dysphoria not other's reactions, though I certainly can see how that makes something 100 times worse. I see studies pointing out how support really helps and lack of support is crushing, like of course it does, but apparently it still has to be pointed out. But if it can't be discussed in places like this I'm not sure where.
At least for me I can't discuss in real life with people who care about me and most everywhere else people act like it's no big deal (as in playing down the fact that people can feel suicidal). I have lied and pretended that suicidal thoughts have stopped coming to me for a long time even though it's more like I was just more actively planning it as young teen. Now it just comes every now and if it can't be discussed then it just another thing to be internalized.
Quote from: DawnOday on June 03, 2016, 11:31:01 AM
Jennifer. You, we, all of us, have a purpose. Whether it be to educate, inform, share our experience. Now that you have suicide off your chest you can do what you were meant to do. Live your life and don't worry how others perceive you. Wouldn't that be the best revenge? Having been near death a couple times, I realized what a precious gift life really is. If you kill yourself the ignorant will remain ignorant, the pious will continue to misread the Bible. The hypocrites will have no opposition. I hope that if you consider euthanasia you'll be around 80 years old. What I have witnessed in the last few months is that a lack of a national presence makes our voices seem insignificant. Just remember there are 5 million members of the NRA. Look what they have been able to accomplish. There are at least a couple million of us, if we present as one unified voice we can change the perception. www.transequality.org. Because the right wing does not understand or want us is why all this state action is taking place. Because they know if it is a National Referendum they will fail.
+1 to your reputation for this message Dawn. I don't know the age for my own euthanasia but it is likely. As for now I'm in great health looking fab fem.
My greatest joy right now comes from flirting strongly with MEN. Many trans and non-trans people might disagree with this, or that I dress much younger than my actual age.
You know what ? So bleeping what, what those who disapprove of this think. It is MY life not theirs.
I can have intimate sexual relationships with as many adult men as we both agree with this.
I have many dozens of online men who say they want me for their wife, from all over the world...men from developed countries such as USA, Canada, UK, France to men from developing countries such as Morocco, Algeria, Saudi Arabia, India, and various countries in Latin America and those men I speak Spanish with.
I have many hundreds of followers online most of them men.
Due to all of THIS some trans women have unfriended me. So what. MY happiness in life is more important than the opiniom of various trans women on my style of dress and rather outrageous flirting with hundreds of men.
I have thoroughly enjoyed intimate sexual relationships with more than 40 adult men since I have lived full time 24 7 as beautiful sexy Jennifer.
So I will continue to be much less involved in trans groups.
I WILL share tasteful photos of my likely shortly upcoming DD cups boobies.
And out of all of this, I have many men to choose from to be my husband and wherein I will be his housewife.
Some trans women and non-trans women might disparage me for taking a traditional housewife role and accepting the dominance of whichever man becomes my husband in not too long. I don't bleeping care anymore. MY happiness as full time beautiful Jennifer is MUCH more important to me than the opinions of some people who disagree that I should satisfy my man sexually in whatever way he orders me.
Jennifer xx
Quote from: JenniferLopezgomez on June 04, 2016, 08:50:14 PM
+1 to your reputation for this message Dawn. I don't know the age for my own euthanasia but it is likely. As for now I'm in great health looking fab fem.
My greatest joy right now comes from flirting strongly with MEN. Many trans and non-trans people might disagree with this, or that I dress much younger than my actual age.
You know what ? So bleeping what, what those who disapprove of this think. It is MY life not theirs.
I can have intimate sexual relationships with as many adult men as we both agree with this.
I have many dozens of online men who say they want me for their wife, from all over the world...men from developed countries such as USA, Canada, UK, France to men from developing countries such as Morocco, Algeria, Saudi Arabia, India, and various countries in Latin America and those men I speak Spanish with.
I have many hundreds of followers online most of them men.
Due to all of THIS some trans women have unfriended me. So what. MY happiness in life is more important than the opiniom of various trans women on my style of dress and rather outrageous flirting with hundreds of men.
I have thoroughly enjoyed intimate sexual relationships with more than 40 adult men since I have lived full time 24 7 as beautiful sexy Jennifer.
So I will continue to be much less involved in trans groups.
I WILL share tasteful photos of my likely shortly upcoming DD cups boobies.
And out of all of this, I have many men to choose from to be my husband and wherein I will be his housewife.
Some trans women and non-trans women might disparage me for taking a traditional housewife role and accepting the dominance of whichever man becomes my husband in not too long. I don't bleeping care anymore. MY happiness as full time beautiful Jennifer is MUCH more important to me than the opinions of some people who disagree that I should satisfy my man sexually in whatever way he orders me.
Jennifer xx
Jennifer,
If you believe what you're doing is more important than the negative criticisms you've received, why do you consider suicide? Also, to try a different approach, what would need to change in your life so didn't feel there is an impending juncture, where you will prefer death to life?
Quote from: JenniferLopezgomez on June 02, 2016, 04:50:09 AM
It sounds to me like you get emotional good feelings through thrill seeking. It sounds like you like me maybe we don't always value our lives particularly highly and perhaps we both accept our own mortality so we care little whether we live or not. I would just say to you -- be careful in the sense that I feel that living is usually going to be the right decision and the death decision is rather permanent. So, glad you are mostly enjoying your life. I mostly am, as well. Take care dear.
Hugs,
Jennifer Lopezgomez
The good parts really are good, I'm glad you get some of that too. As for me, I'll admit to the thrill-seeking, but I think that's a different thing. Maybe not, I don't know. But the rest, yes, I don't value myself or my life at all. The decision to die is permanent, and at times that can be part of the allure. A permanent fix to things that have been permanently broken, and not just some more time spent ignoring or denying it? Yes, please.
I was recently sent a very moving text message by a friend. The gist was that I affect the lives of those around me, and if I go it will leave empty, cavernous spaces that can't ever be filled. And how it would be me saying I don't care about how others feel and being more concerned with a permanent solution to temporary feelings. Which, it's all arguments I've heard before, but it was worded in a really eloquent, almost poetic way and seemed to imply they care for me a lot, which means a lot to me. That sort of stuff is the one thing that makes me feel good.
I still want to freaking hurt myself, though. I just wish it didn't hurt other people.
Quote from: Cindy on June 02, 2016, 03:09:52 AM
No Hon,
I wont lock it. Have you managed to talk to a good shrink/counsellor I'm not saying that would help but it does sound as if it may be useful.
You sound like where I was many years ago when the despair and life had gone too far. I was lost and no way could I get out by myself.
As we know many transgender people contemplate self harm and suicide. Unfortunately my staff and I deal with it regularly behind the scenes. We do help most and some just never post again - and that hurts.
I have been suicidal and I do know what it is like.
But when you are on the phone to a friend trying to talk them down and she puts a gun in her mouth and blows her head off it puts a different perspective on the right to take your own life.
She didn't end her pain. She passed it on to me, and that was not a nice thing to do.
So do think what suicide means; you are passing your pain on and we need to be certain we have that right.
That is a truly awful story, I'm so sorry that happened to you. There's so much wrong there.
I talk to a few trained professionals regularly, and I've made use of other resources during a couple times of desperation, but none of that really helps me feel better. It just gives me ways to ignore the problem/buy time until I don't feel so agonized. But it doesn't fix the source of the problem, which I guess is me.
Either my docs suck or I don't know how to use them properly or put the right effort in or something, I don't know. I guess I don't practice the right...eh I don't remember what they're called, thinking strategies or whatever. I see ways to hurt myself in pretty much everything I look at, instead of appreciating any particular aspect or thinking any sort of positive thought.
I mean, it's not like it's intentional, I just randomly think "Hey, I bet I could use X to do Y". But I suppose fixing that sort of mentality requires effort, which I can't seem to maintain when I really need it. It's so easy to slip back into the negative stuff without realizing it, and then lose any willpower to try and fix it; it's like the swamp of sadness. Have I made that reference here yet? GG Never-ending Story, you made a lot of afternoons in my childhood way darker than they needed to be :p
Anyways, thank you all for your contributions to this thread, it's nice to know other people are, or have been, in the same boat I am.
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi1175.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fr636%2FIdontEvenCamera%2FSwampOfSadness_zpsq73j3jyc.jpg&hash=110947b697a272e51af45a26d8d9a0e5beb327f1)
Quote from: autumn08 on June 04, 2016, 09:45:34 PM
Jennifer,
If you believe what you're doing is more important than the negative criticisms you've received, why do you consider suicide? Also, to try a different approach, what would need to change in your life so didn't feel there is an impending juncture, where you will prefer death to life?
Great point Autumn. I've made even more changes in the last week or so, mostly online. My real life is already going very well at the moment. In online places I am simply doing what I enjoy (outrageous sexy flirting with many men regardless of what many women think about that) and medium amount of Girl-Talk private chat with trans female friends and much more limited public posting in trans groups. My day to day real life work is going great as 24 7 full time beautiful Jennifer.
I might be able to get married sometime soon as many men have shown interest in this -- just might have to re-locate again to do this. If not anytime soon in real life, that's okay too.
My next major project is to get DD or DDD boob surgery, and I may very well have enough money for this by the end of this month of June -- even without help from a man. :)
Although, getting some help from a man to help me pay for part of my boobie surgery would make it so I wouldn;t have to spend ALL of my money to get the boob job.
The boob job is so important to me, though, that even if I don't get help from a man, I will do it all on my own just as soon as I can afford it which is likely the end of THIS month.....wow!
Even if this puts me at flat broke. I don't give a damn. I am not 20 years old anymore. SEIZE THE DAY GET MY BIG BOOBS FOR EVEN MORE HAPPINESS EVEN IF IT MAKES ME flat broke for a couple of months.
Jennifer xx
Hi jennifer. I don't know if this even applies to you or not but I thought I would throw my 2 cents in anyway. Maybe it might be appropriate for others viewing this thread.
I think mostly suicidal ideation is a result of clinical depression. Yes we trangsender people try to commit suicide at alarmingly high rates (as I know only too personally as I survived a series of attempts back in 1984) but we are people just like cis people and it seems to me that depression is the root cause of suicide. If one is contemplating suicide I say seek professional help early and often because depression, once the stigma is removed, is quite treatable through a combination of therapy and or medication.
I successfully handled the dragon of suicidal ideation through treatment long before I embraced my transgender identity. Cuz I'm still here, right? I haven't defeated my depression. I probably never will. It is like a beast that stalks my perimeter always looking for and just waiting for a way in. But I have tools to handle it. It's easier to recognize now and manage. Also, I have a deep and abiding respect for its power and can never let my guard down against it. Yes stuffing one's transgender identity is a cause of depression but there are more causes than just that. If I wouldn't have sought help early, I never would have survived long enough to eventually come to terms will my transgender self. Now I am on the road of transition and it's wonderful. All the best and be well.
Quote from: Jane Emily on June 06, 2016, 08:03:19 PM
Hi jennifer. I don't know if this even applies to you or not but I thought I would throw my 2 cents in anyway. Maybe it might be appropriate for others viewing this thread.
I think mostly suicidal ideation is a result of clinical depression. Yes we trangsender people try to commit suicide at alarmingly high rates (as I know only too personally as I survived a series of attempts back in 1984) but we are people just like cis people and it seems to me that depression is the root cause of suicide. If one is contemplating suicide I say seek professional help early and often because depression, once the stigma is removed, is quite treatable through a combination of therapy and or medication.
I successfully handled the dragon of suicidal ideation through treatment long before I embraced my transgender identity. Cuz I'm still here, right? I haven't defeated my depression. I probably never will. It is like a beast that stalks my perimeter always looking for and just waiting for a way in. But I have tools to handle it. It's easier to recognize now and manage. Also, I have a deep and abiding respect for its power and can never let my guard down against it. Yes stuffing one's transgender identity is a cause of depression but there are more causes than just that. If I wouldn't have sought help early, I never would have survived long enough to eventually come to terms will my transgender self. Now I am on the road of transition and it's wonderful. All the best and be well.
Thanks Jane Emily same to you. Nice message. I am feeling especially happy during the last 18 hours or so because I'm fully accepted as beautiful Jennifer at work I love, living situation is great and everyone accepts me as beautiful Jennifer, plus I've done some more super outrageous sexy flirting I usually get 3 to 4 simultaneous phone calls and 4 to 8 simultaneously chat boxes pop up and there is only time to talk with SOME of the men so I choose who I feel happiest chatting and flirting with -- plus the occasional Girl Talk chat privately simultaneously with trans female friends in between the flirting -- most of the men seem to be excited I will likely get really big boobies at month's end or so, and I've been exchanging tips about that with trans female friends.
I flirted outrageously in the last 12 hours with a crossdressing man about 30 from North Carolina. He has waited patiently a couple months or so to get a videochat with me. Besides getting him all worked up < giggles > we also paused from the flirting long enough to actually have an intelligent conversation about his state's outrageous bathroom laws. He told me he sure won't be voting for their bigoted governor next go-round. He told me he will vote Democrat to show respect for trans rights.
Trans ladies if you are seeking dates don't overlook crossdressing men. They are men not women and that's fine and great it makes them happy. But I also find that crossdressing men often have a nice softer side too.
My online date with this NC 30 yo man in the last 24 hours was just that -- online only -- but since going full-time 24 7 Jennifer I've had in-person real world sexual dates with about 5 or 6 or so crossdressing men. It has been thoroughly fun for me when I've done that and fun for the men too. It's likely I will do that again sometime with a crossdressing man -- unless I get engaged to a hetero cis man before that.
Smiles right now from,
Jennifer xx
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi61.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fh60%2FJennifer_Lopezgomez%2FWIN_20160605_15_08_49_Pro_zpsl7gcfdii.jpg&hash=6b2b435d2b54992f66826d1cc8d4126349f0a207) (http://s61.photobucket.com/user/Jennifer_Lopezgomez/media/WIN_20160605_15_08_49_Pro_zpsl7gcfdii.jpg.html)
Quote from: JenniferLopezgomez on June 06, 2016, 03:56:47 PM
Great point Autumn. I've made even more changes in the last week or so, mostly online. My real life is already going very well at the moment. In online places I am simply doing what I enjoy (outrageous sexy flirting with many men regardless of what many women think about that) and medium amount of Girl-Talk private chat with trans female friends and much more limited public posting in trans groups. My day to day real life work is going great as 24 7 full time beautiful Jennifer.
I might be able to get married sometime soon as many men have shown interest in this -- just might have to re-locate again to do this. If not anytime soon in real life, that's okay too.
My next major project is to get DD or DDD boob surgery, and I may very well have enough money for this by the end of this month of June -- even without help from a man. :)
Although, getting some help from a man to help me pay for part of my boobie surgery would make it so I wouldn;t have to spend ALL of my money to get the boob job.
The boob job is so important to me, though, that even if I don't get help from a man, I will do it all on my own just as soon as I can afford it which is likely the end of THIS month.....wow!
Even if this puts me at flat broke. I don't give a damn. I am not 20 years old anymore. SEIZE THE DAY GET MY BIG BOOBS FOR EVEN MORE HAPPINESS EVEN IF IT MAKES ME flat broke for a couple of months.
Jennifer xx
Good luck. Continue making the best of your time, and as the Zorba the Greek said, "leave death nothing but a burned-out castle."
I've always dealt with bullying head on matey bar the door style,it got so bad the bullies started too leave me alone,guess this transwoman is meaner then cis men. Suicide has been my second companion in life,tried drinking myself too death,didn't work for alcohol doesn't effect me like most, tried playing chicken with a 18 wheeler wound up in a ditch, tried a few other ways to end the pain. I've always been female trapped in a body that is confusing half woman,half male, but I realized life is for living and since the last attempt at 18yrs,i've lived the last 33yrs to the fullest with no regrets.
Quote from: cheryl reeves on June 07, 2016, 01:08:23 PM
I've always dealt with bullying head on matey bar the door style,it got so bad the bullies started too leave me alone,guess this transwoman is meaner then cis men. Suicide has been my second companion in life,tried drinking myself too death,didn't work for alcohol doesn't effect me like most, tried playing chicken with a 18 wheeler wound up in a ditch, tried a few other ways to end the pain. I've always been female trapped in a body that is confusing half woman,half male, but I realized life is for living and since the last attempt at 18yrs,i've lived the last 33yrs to the fullest with no regrets.
You sure have had better results with bullies than I have. They are leaving me alone most often now which is very good.
Had a now former friend in last 24 hours who describes herself as genderqueer make a snide public post deriding my sexy beautiful feminine pose on the bed in the long black dress you see above, by making a snide comment about my teeth and calling me "mate." Rather than get depressed and suicidal about it I immediately deleted their public post then sent them a PM explaining why I was unfriending them, that I wll no longer allow bullies to spoil my happiness, that "mate" is a word used to describe a MAN which they very well know I am not, that the beautiful photo they are denigrating shows Jennifer a stunning lady. that I could return the favor and intentionally publicly misgender them in a few places but that I am too polite to do so and don't go around bullying people like they do.
I said good luck in life, they typed ADIOS in Spanish, and then they blocked me. Good riddance. If they really don't like my physical appearance that much. by all means unfriend me I don't want bigoted twits like them as my friend anyway. Anyone who doesn't like my physical appearance or maybe harbours undue jealousy against my physical beauty to the point they feel they must resort to publicly knowingly misgendering me and insulting my beautiful photo -- well now I have the attitude that such twits are now being banished from my life forever.
My advice for happiness I have learned is to tell the bigots. naysayers, and intentional misgenderers to take a hike.
I have flirted with about 15 different wonderful MEN online in the last 24 hours, out of many dozens of men who have attempted to initiate videocalls with me or private chat with me in the last 24 hours. I feel very happy.
Those who disagree with what brings me happiness can take a hike. I feel ALIVE and very happy.
Jennifer Lopezgomez on a wonderful day.
xx
Well it wasn't fun dealing with bullies for I got suspended alot and the bully was sent back to class, but the thing is I stood up for myself and wouldn't back down. But when I took one bully down,I always had another take their place. This went on for 15yrs but I never let em bring me down to their level, and I dealt with all kinds of bullies. The worse are blks and mexicans for they fight in packs and it's never a fair fight but I had respect among em and they left me alone.. Life is for living and of one walks a different path then so be it and I will defend their right to be who they want to be,have always done that protecting those who are weak. I hope you luck on finding a man that's right for you.
Quote from: Jane Emily on June 06, 2016, 08:03:19 PM
I think mostly suicidal ideation is a result of clinical depression. Yes we trangsender people try to commit suicide at alarmingly high rates (as I know only too personally as I survived a series of attempts back in 1984) but we are people just like cis people and it seems to me that depression is the root cause of suicide. If one is contemplating suicide I say seek professional help early and often because depression, once the stigma is removed, is quite treatable through a combination of therapy and or medication.
This avoids the question of the "root cause" of that depression.
Depression can be caused by being in an intolerable situation, for instance in a situation in which one's personhood is under constant threat and attack: in the present, in the past ("trauma"), or both. Leelah Alcorn is an example of someone whose personhood was under constant, persistent attack, so it's not surprising that she killed herself. Whether you say that it was "depression" that led her to kill herself or "oppression," the root cause was the soul-destroying treatment she had received and continued to receive.
"Therapy and medication" only work when something effective is done about the root cause of the depression, which for trans people is the oppression they suffer under. One strong bit of evidence for that is the recent study that showed that trans children that receive love and appropriate support actually do better than the population at large, wherease those that don't receive it have that high rate of suicide and suicidal ideation (not to mention self-destructive behaviors) that everyone talks about.
This is BTW a long-standing criticism of conventional mental health treatment: it ignores the effect of society and oppression. For instance, black people were routinely diagnosed as psychotic for their "delusion" that people were out to get them, a diagnosis that ignored the all-too-obvious fact that the society they lived in (the USA) was in fact out to get them, and thus their "paranoia" was based in fact, not delusion.
In my case, my suicidal levels of depression dropped dramatically but did not go away once I moved away from home, a home that was clearly toxic, though I'm still trying to figure out in what way. Decades of therapy after that and several multi-year courses of medication did not make a dent in my depression. What
has made a difference?
1. I allowed myself to express my gender-variance and, more recently, started to transition.
2. Reimagining my childhood as it wasn't, but should have been if the adults around me had actually thought what was happening to me mattered.
Both aspects were about dealing with past and present oppressions.
I've recently gone off medication, after several months of HRT, and the suicidal thoughts are mostly gone. They only come back when I'm under a lot of stress, which I think isn't surprising.