So my mother is having a really hard time with my transition. She was having a hard time believing I'm transgender because I've always been very feminine so I sent her a bunch of info and links of feminine transmen and some guys who identify as more genderqueer to try to show her the diversity in the trans community. And now she says that she understands but she doesn't think I should be taking testosterone. I haven't even told her I want to get top surgery because I know she'll freak out even more about that. Anyway, this evening she sent me these texts and I just don't know how to respond. She doesn't understand about dysphoria even though I've tried to explain it. She did say she's going to try to go to a PFLAG meeting so maybe that will help? And just to clarify I'm an adult and don't live with her. I've also been on testosterone for almost two months and while part of me still has doubts the other part of me is like "you can pry my testosterone out of my cold dead hands", lol. So yeah. I guess I'm just not sure how to explain why it's so important to me to be on testosterone in a way that will make sense to her and override her fears.
Mom's texts:
"I think that some of those different categories of Trans take you right back to your primary sex as male or female (I mean the one you were born with). I think that everyone is a spectrum and taking steroids to take you where you are in the first place is a waste of time and physical health. If you want to be who you are stand in the spot on your spectrum you will have more room to breathe. If you take yourself further and further into a narrow definition you may be trapped. If you take yourself through all the categories - well that sounds exhausting.
I'm worried about the spiral. Not only can people be bigoted in our society, but also you can be buffeted by a lot of bigotry in the Trans world. Everyone thinks that they have it figured out. And that can become pretty difficult.
What if you are a complex mix? That's okay. But altering your body is worrisome. If you want to be a boy who has the freedom to wear dresses - okay - but how is this different from wanting to be a girl and wearing pants? If it is beyond clothes then why are you busy pulling together a wardrobe of pants? If you want to be who you are and you are a boy/girl with shades of both or one more pronounced than the other - why put yourself inside of a definition? Why not be both? Why change your body when your soul is already there?
It's not that I don't get it or need to absorb it - I get it. But what I don't get is why narrow your space? If you were feeling like you were a boy/boy then well okay. But a mix of masculine/feminine obviously you are that already. Why punctuate one over the other with steroids? Why put your body into a place where your soul as a boy/girl won't be free? How can you give up that space in the middle? That genuine place where you don't have to contradict or arrest any one aspect of you?
That's what I don't get. Relinquishing that place. It's hard won."
Wow, what is she, a psychotherapist? LOL, that was quite a response. I would just try and explain to her that you see your body as masculine in a way that you can't achieve without taking testosterone. Also, you might want to point out that prescription testosterone is not the same thing as "steroids", which is a word that usually refers to stuff received without a doctor's approval that often has god-only-knows what mixed into it. Just to make her feel a little better about its safety. I doubt she will ever fully understand dysphoria--it's a complex subject. I have it and I STILL have a tough time understanding people who have it over parts that don't bother me. Unless you've experienced it, it can be hard to comprehend. But unfortunately, I think the most you can do is give her time. I know my mom was not thrilled about me taking T and is even less thrilled about top surgery--so I just don't discuss it with her and we move on with our lives. Slowly she is getting used to seeing me the way I am now, and while she may never fully understand it, she acknowledges that I'm a grown up and that this is how it's going to be. It's hard for people to understand that gender doesn't necessarily fit into two strict categories, but at least it sounds like she's accepted that there is a spectrum. Now she just has to come to accept that your body falls toward the more masculine side, and that may take some time because it means the person she probably sees as "her little girl" is going to change in ways she never expected. But hopefully she will come around!
Is it important to you that she understand the hows and whys? My parents fully admit that they have no idea what it's like to feel the way I do or what I've mentally gone through, but they're still fully capable of being supportive.
Honestly, your mom lost me at the second sentence. I would not see a point in attempting to convince her of anything after that. That she sees a therapeutic level of hormone therapy as steroid use feels willfully ignorant to me. The information is readily available online. She sounds like she could really benefit from speaking to a trans-friendly therapist.
Dysphoria is difficult for cisgender people to understand because it's completely contrary to their own experience. I would start by explaining to her what the T does for you - mentally, physically, emotionally - and what your life would be like without it. Most reasonable parents don't want their kids to suffer.
Quote from: FtMitch on June 08, 2016, 12:34:32 AM
Also, you might want to point out that prescription testosterone is not the same thing as "steroids", which is a word that usually refers to stuff received without a doctor's approval that often has god-only-knows what mixed into it. Just to make her feel a little better about its safety.
That's a good point about "steroids". I hadn't realized that she was conflating the two until that text, which might explain why she's so terrified of me being on T. I agree that it's probably going to take a lot of time. She seems to be still in this place of thinking that this isn't really happening, lol, and sooner or later she's going to have to accept that it IS happening, with or without her.
Quote from: FTMax on June 08, 2016, 12:37:55 PM
Is it important to you that she understand the hows and whys? My parents fully admit that they have no idea what it's like to feel the way I do or what I've mentally gone through, but they're still fully capable of being supportive.
Honestly, your mom lost me at the second sentence. I would not see a point in attempting to convince her of anything after that. That she sees a therapeutic level of hormone therapy as steroid use feels willfully ignorant to me. The information is readily available online. She sounds like she could really benefit from speaking to a trans-friendly therapist.
That's a really good question. I think part of what has been throwing me off about all this is that while others in my life clearly don't understand either, as you say, they are still capable of being supportive. They also seem more capable of acknowledging that I'm an adult who can make my own decisions, though ;) I think I'm going to sit down and write a long email trying to explain my feelings/reasons for taking T and then at that point it's up to her whether or not to accept it. I like your idea of trying to get her to see a trans friendly therapist though! I think that would be really helpful if I can find someone in her area.
Quote from: FTMax on June 08, 2016, 12:37:55 PM
Is it important to you that she understand the hows and whys? My parents fully admit that they have no idea what it's like to feel the way I do or what I've mentally gone through...
This is pretty much what I'd say!
i'm sure your mom has exprienced dysphoria. why? because it's just you wanting to change your body, you not liking something about it. that's the easiest way to explain it. ask her if she has ever not liked the way something fit on her body (clothing that is too big, hugged all the 'wrong' places) or if she has ever been unhappy with her weight, height, whatever. if she says yes, explain that is what dysphoria basically is. you want to change your body in a way that makes you happy, as someone would who decides to exercise to lose weight tell her that things like T is what will help you change the body to the way you want and give you the desired effects as exercise would with someone who wanted to lose weight (they'd feel better about their body, themselves, etc. because they are getting the desired effects that working out gives them. the same happens with T, it gives us the desired effects we want). tell her that it might change you physically, but your personality is still the same.
i think that is what parents worry about is that when we go on T, or do all these things, we suddenly become this different person they can't recognize. you want to know what happens? we become happier. my mom didn't get it either at first, but i explained the changes to her (risks, etc. you should definitely emphasis on this because parents think we are harming our bodies and they don't want that..seems to be the biggest concern with it imo) and i told her i'm just unhappy with my body and even if i wear guys clothes, etc. i won't fully be seen as a man until i go through this process, and that's what i want to be undoubtedly seen as a man. my mom was worried i didn't "experience life" but when i started T and came out..that's when i did. i got a job, went back to school, etc. i go out all the time and before i never did. i got my mom to come to a pflag meeting because i felt it would help her out knowing people dealing with the same thing. of course she knew people there, she got along with everyone and my brother even has a friend at school going through transition. my mom knows the persons mom and is able to help her (the mom) now.
parents just worry everything happens too fast and they have no time to "mourn" their loss. they don't get it takes awhile, that we don't change as a person as drastically as they think. it takes time, but she will eventually come around.
Thanks, invisiblemonsters. I get what you're saying about dysphoria, but I think at this point she would just latch onto those examples and say but these things aren't really necessary and also they aren't dangerous so they're clearly not the same. I think she's so scared and incapable of seeing me as a competent adult that she's not able to understand that the "alternative" of not transitioning is unthinkable/harmful. So I'm trying and failing to explain that to her. Her latest response is that I am naive and sheltered and don't know how dangerous and horrible being trans is. I give up.
Cis people never truly understand. You basically just tell her "you are not me and will never fully understand but you can support it and make my life easier regarding it".
What if you sent her pubmed links about the research that has been done on MTF and FTM brains and how our brains respond to hormones? FTM brains are like cis male brains, we run better on male hormones and not being washed all day in high levels of female hormones. Maybe if she understood that it's a physical, chemical brain condition, and not some sort of social club belonging thing, it could give her an entree into understanding where you're coming from.
She is conflating transsexual with crossdressing, but what's different there is the dysphoria, and the dysphoria has to do with how your brain developed in utero. It's not something anyone did, it's a sort of accident that happens to so many babies every year. How clothes make you feel is a totally different question to how your breasts and baby-making bits make you feel.
I also disagree with the conflation earlier in this thread of dysphoria and dysmorphia (which is negative body image, a state that can follow dysphoria for sure). In gender dysphoria you have a persistent, kind of creepy feeling that you're missing certain body parts or that certain parts aren't part of you and shouldn't be there. It's different from looking down and hating your body because you feel ashamed of how you look. For sure, you can have GD and quickly develop dysmorphia secondary to that. If you don't pass, for example, it's easy to get angry about how you look.
Quote from: Alexthecat on June 11, 2016, 02:06:39 AM
Cis people never truly understand. You basically just tell her "you are not me and will never fully understand but you can support it and make my life easier regarding it".
I think you're right, even though it's depressing to realize that. I'm just going to keep being firm with her.
Quote from: AnxietyDisord3r on June 11, 2016, 09:18:28 AM
What if you sent her pubmed links about the research that has been done on MTF and FTM brains and how our brains respond to hormones? FTM brains are like cis male brains, we run better on male hormones and not being washed all day in high levels of female hormones. Maybe if she understood that it's a physical, chemical brain condition, and not some sort of social club belonging thing, it could give her an entree into understanding where you're coming from.
Thanks, that's a really good idea! I hadn't thought of that.
She asks why narrow your space and your options.
The thing that cis people do not realize is that as trans people, we don't start with a full set of options or a broad space. It's not a case of being able to enjoy the benefits of being a woman just because you have a female-born body, and throwing those away to be something else. I have a female born body and I cannot enjoy it. I hate sex, I cannot have children, relationships are problematic because the sexual dynamic cannot be appreciated from my perspective, I cannot enjoy femininity or being called a woman. It is like not being a full or real person, whatever anybody says or thinks. And I cannot just sit back and think to myself that my life will be better if I ask people to call me something which I do not look like. Things just don't work that way, even more so when it comes to other people and their treatment of you.
She does not seem to realize not only can we not have everything - as in the "best of both worlds", but quite often we can't even have half of it. One legitimate half of the spectrum would be an improvement, not a loss.
She is right about the risks we run. And she is probably worried for you, understandably. But why do so many trans people choose to transition? I get it from the horse's mouth often enough, and I'll say the same thing - life is not being lived if you feel blocked, inhibited, stymied, or crushed by this condition and if facing the dangers and the difficulty of transition is something many trans would rather do, then that goes a ways to explaining just how painful and serious this condition is.
We all weigh our options up on a scale of cost to benefit - and many choose transition. I am choosing transition myself because I know if I continue this way for the rest of my life, I have absolutely zero chance of ever feeling like a full person, of ever not feeling like a mere onlooker at my own life, watching others live theirs to the full. I might be wrong and make the wrong choice by transitioning - who knows, but by now I know that if I do nothing I will only live and die regretting I did nothing to find out if there was a better life for me.
As others have said it's probably going to be like getting through to a brick wall. It's like trying to explain depression to a person who is having the happiest moment of their life, or vice versa explaining euphoria to someone having their dark night of the soul. They might be listening but are they in the mental position to comprehend...?
Quote from: T.K.G.W. on June 21, 2016, 10:25:05 AM
As others have said it's probably going to be like getting through to a brick wall. It's like trying to explain depression to a person who is having the happiest moment of their life, or vice versa explaining euphoria to someone having their dark night of the soul. They might be listening but are they in the mental position to comprehend...?
I agree with this statement as well. My grandma tries to understand my anxiety disorder and had read a lot about it / listened to many of my explanations. She can understand to an extent, but not really. She can understand when I say something that sounds illogical to her, that it is most likely related to my anxiety. But she doesn't understand exactly what I feel because she doesn't have it. The best I can ask for for anything be it my mental disorders or dysphoria related, is acceptance and understanding that it is real and I am dealing with it.
Quote from: Jonathan L on June 07, 2016, 11:56:26 PM
Mom's texts:
"I think that some of those different categories of Trans take you right back to your primary sex as male or female (I mean the one you were born with). I think that everyone is a spectrum and taking steroids to take you where you are in the first place is a waste of time and physical health. If you want to be who you are stand in the spot on your spectrum you will have more room to breathe. If you take yourself further and further into a narrow definition you may be trapped. If you take yourself through all the categories - well that sounds exhausting.
Who says testosterone will take you to a narrower definition of anything any more than the estrogen that your body is already producing does? A lot of the time cis people seem to think that we're 'neutral' or somehow blank slates pre transition - forgetting that usual puberty has already 'irreversibly' altered our bodies... As for physical health, as long as your testosterone levels are monitored properly there is no risk to your physical health.
Quote from: Jonathan L on June 07, 2016, 11:56:26 PM
What if you are a complex mix? That's okay. But altering your body is worrisome. If you want to be a boy who has the freedom to wear dresses - okay - but how is this different from wanting to be a girl and wearing pants? If it is beyond clothes then why are you busy pulling together a wardrobe of pants? If you want to be who you are and you are a boy/girl with shades of both or one more pronounced than the other - why put yourself inside of a definition? Why not be both? Why change your body when your soul is already there?
People alter their bodies all the time. Male babies are routinely circumcised in many parts of the world -- that's not easily reversed. My Dad's very into sports and 50 years of it has damaged most of his joints irreversibly. Does your mother wear earrings? I know the holes will close up eventually, but if you start to really think about pushing bits of metal through your flesh for no real reason at all it does start to seem quite an alien concept. It's always struck me as strange that it's acceptable for 12 year old girls to have their ears pierced but to many a nose or an eyebrow piercing, or a tattoo is a 'mutilation'. The truth is that people are hypocritical and mistrust things that aren't familiar just because they're unfamiliar.
I've also noticed that cis people often have trouble getting past clothes. I suppose it's the only part of other people that they really see. In normal circumstances most people can get the idea that clothes or fashion sense are a small facet of a person and don't tell you everything about them -- until it comes to trans people, and suddenly all they can think about it skirts vs trousers.
Then again she said it herself -- altering the body is 'worrisome' and difficult -- so why not use clothing (which is so easily changed back again) to experiment and express yourself while waiting on those things that we can't change on our own? It's not a complex concept.
I don't know if there's a real point in trying to explain what physical dysphoria is like because not many metaphors really do it, and the odds are you've already used the simplest terms, i don't see why a more convoluted explanation would work. The only thing you can really do is give it time, stick with your plans, and eventually people will see that it's not a whim and will get used to the idea.
Quote from: Jonathan L on June 07, 2016, 11:56:26 PM
It's not that I don't get it or need to absorb it - I get it. But what I don't get is why narrow your space? If you were feeling like you were a boy/boy then well okay. But a mix of masculine/feminine obviously you are that already. Why punctuate one over the other with steroids? Why put your body into a place where your soul as a boy/girl won't be free? How can you give up that space in the middle? That genuine place where you don't have to contradict or arrest any one aspect of you?
That's what I don't get. Relinquishing that place. It's hard won."
Again your space is already narrowed. She seems to think you're exactly 50% male and 50% female and if that's not true try explaining that.
Personally, I don't feel 100% male but that's a personal feeling, and because of what I want my body to be like and how i want to be perceived to the casual eye, I'm going for a fairly binary transition. I'm happy with male pronouns and a male name. I've not told anyone really about feeling a bit non-binary because of this exact situation. It might sound cowardly but ultimately it's not anyone else's business how i identify to myself.
I'm not planning on getting into a dress again any time soon because atm, pre-everything, if i did so i would look like and be read as a female. I would not be percieved as 90% male and 10% female or w/e I am and that's why I'm not doing it. That's why I'd take T and have top surgery first. Because as long as society perceives gender as binary the way it does we're always going to be slotted into one hole or the other and not placed inbetween, even if that's how we feel. It's pretty naive of your mother to imagine at being exactly in the middle would be easier than being weighted to one side of the binary, and so if exactly centered isn't what you want, then why struggle with that?
Well you could always be like me and be a dude that never expects to follow every big, buff, gruff manly stereotype. I consider myself a 'twink/femboy' if you will...because I don't expect to change my core 'feminine' traits, ever. Just because I feel my body and head aligns more with the male persuasion. Those things don't sync up.
To me "masculine" and "feminine" just means activities, behaviors, presentations we typically align with one gender or another. But even cis males and females are going to be more masculine females or feminine males. Not all of us encompass every stereotype at any given time. We're just going to be ourselves and go one way or another on that, trans or not. Regardless.
But some of us dont connect or align physically and mentally, something that we cant just stop at and be happy at the 'tomboy' or 'femboy' line. Sometimes we just not to look as we are and be called as we are and be seen as we are, internally.
Wow, T.K.G.W! You've managed to explain exactly how I feel about transitioning very eloquently. I kind of wish I could print this out and hand it to everyone I know :) But you're so so right about people not understanding. The comparison to explaining depression is also a great point. I've struggled over the years to explain even chronic physical illness to others. It's sad how so many people are incapable of understanding where another person is coming from unless they've experienced that situation themselves.
I agree completely, Peep. I'm kind of wishing I hadn't said anything about not being sure if I identify 100% as male because that's just given her an out to latch onto and she clearly doesn't understand what I mean. Coming out as trans has brought up a lot of weird gender stereotype issues with nearly everyone, even close friends who I thought were really progressive. You'd think that all men were exactly the same, lol. I'm also realizing that a lot of cis people see being a transman as interchangeable with being a masculine woman. So when I say I'm trans I'm getting a lot of "but why do we have to have labels?" or "but why do you have to change your body? Isn't the soul what matters?" Throw any ounce of femininity in there and suddenly it's "But why not just stay a girl?" As if being a masculine or feminine man is exactly the same as being a masculine or feminine woman.
Quote from: WolfNightV4X1 on June 25, 2016, 01:05:03 PM
Well you could always be like me and be a dude that never expects to follow every big, buff, gruff manly stereotype. I consider myself a 'twink/femboy' if you will...because I don't expect to change my core 'feminine' traits, ever. Just because I feel my body and head aligns more with the male persuasion. Those things don't sync up.
To me "masculine" and "feminine" just means activities, behaviors, presentations we typically align with one gender or another. But even cis males and females are going to be more masculine females or feminine males. Not all of us encompass every stereotype at any given time. We're just going to be ourselves and go one way or another on that, trans or not. Regardless.
But some of us dont connect or align physically and mentally, something that we cant just stop at and be happy at the 'tomboy' or 'femboy' line. Sometimes we just not to look as we are and be called as we are and be seen as we are, internally.
Absolutely! The problem is that a lot of people, my mother especially do not seem to understand this at all :(
Yeah my mum asked me the other day why i couldn't stay the way i was (in reference to T) and it was just... have you not been listening at all ever
they really really focus on social dysphoria and how we interact with others, whereas my dysphoria is mostly located in the things i need to medically change. It doesn't matter if no one else knows i have a chest when i'm binding, I still know that its there and that's what bothers me the most, not the idea that others might notice it. i keep explaining that clothes aren't enough, that it's not about getting to play football with the boys, or about getting to wear a tux to a wedding instead of a dress, but no one seems willing to look past stereotypes and superficial things
I think I'm going to have to go into more detail than i would really like maybe idk
Your mom is in denial. Sounds like my mom at that stage. My mom thought my glbt friends convinced me I was gay/trans.
She is conflating gender expression with your underlying gender identity, which is an easy to make but fundamental error.
Tell her about the bodymap theory, that our brain has a map of our body and you get dyphoria if the parts don't match up. And it won't go away until the body is corrected. It has zilcho to do with gender roles or what you wear, and changing what you wear won't fix it.
Also, your mom is wrong, there is nothing narrow or limiting about fixing your hormone mix so your brain runs better. If anything, it opens up possibilities to you that were cut off by the dysphoria and dysthymia you were going through. Mom is being a silly; how is a GQ girl more/less radical than a GQ boy (assuming you are even GQ and not just femme?)? It's not, Mommy just is having trouble accepting that your gender was misidentified all these years.
Quote from: Peep on July 03, 2016, 06:36:23 PM
Yeah my mum asked me the other day why i couldn't stay the way i was (in reference to T) and it was just... have you not been listening at all ever
they really really focus on social dysphoria and how we interact with others, whereas my dysphoria is mostly located in the things i need to medically change. It doesn't matter if no one else knows i have a chest when i'm binding, I still know that its there and that's what bothers me the most, not the idea that others might notice it. i keep explaining that clothes aren't enough, that it's not about getting to play football with the boys, or about getting to wear a tux to a wedding instead of a dress, but no one seems willing to look past stereotypes and superficial things
I think I'm going to have to go into more detail than i would really like maybe idk
I think we as a community talk about social dysphoria because we are focused on getting outsiders to treat us better in social situations. Hey, don't say this.
The medical side is more dealt with on a personal/private side, so we aren't doing much public agitating about that, except to get it covered by insurance or Medicaid.
The result is that cis people often get the impression it's all social because they never heard about the medical side of it and don't know anything about it. This is compounded by cis GLB people speaking for us who assume that being trans is like being a GLBQ person who likes to crossdress or play with gender roles and don't know anything about dysphoria.
Quote from: Jonathan L on July 03, 2016, 01:22:14 PM
I agree completely, Peep. I'm kind of wishing I hadn't said anything about not being sure if I identify 100% as male because that's just given her an out to latch onto and she clearly doesn't understand what I mean. Coming out as trans has brought up a lot of weird gender stereotype issues with nearly everyone, even close friends who I thought were really progressive. You'd think that all men were exactly the same, lol. I'm also realizing that a lot of cis people see being a transman as interchangeable with being a masculine woman. So when I say I'm trans I'm getting a lot of "but why do we have to have labels?" or "but why do you have to change your body? Isn't the soul what matters?" Throw any ounce of femininity in there and suddenly it's "But why not just stay a girl?" As if being a masculine or feminine man is exactly the same as being a masculine or feminine woman.
Cis people always be concern trolling. They be like, why take affirmative actions to change your gender? I didn't do anything, it just came, so I can talk all day about not being tied to my gender, but you take hormones, so you're weird and must luuuuuuurve your gender so much you want to marry it.
Here's the thing. Not taking action is taking an action. If your brain doesn't run well on female hormones, but you let yourself get washed in them day after day, you will suffer a negative effect. You can have high blood pressure or high blood sugar and choose not to treat that either, with predictable results.
Lifetime suicide risk for all adults is 2.9%. Lifetime suicide risk for trans adults: 41%.
Yeah. Just let that go untreated and see how that works out. If your friends can't sympathize with THAT they're not your friends.
Quote from: AnxietyDisord3r on July 04, 2016, 07:27:29 AM
Cis people always be concern trolling. They be like, why take affirmative actions to change your gender? I didn't do anything, it just came, so I can talk all day about not being tied to my gender, but you take hormones, so you're weird and must luuuuuuurve your gender so much you want to marry it.
Here's the thing. Not taking action is taking an action. If your brain doesn't run well on female hormones, but you let yourself get washed in them day after day, you will suffer a negative effect. You can have high blood pressure or high blood sugar and choose not to treat that either, with predictable results.
Lifetime suicide risk for all adults is 2.9%. Lifetime suicide risk for trans adults: 41%.
Yeah. Just let that go untreated and see how that works out. If your friends can't sympathize with THAT they're not your friends.
This, particularly the bolded part. I find that people take the attitude that we've got the choice to be (for lack of a better word) ''Normal'' i.e. feel the same way they do, or to be trans. But it's more like a choice to definitely suffer or a choice to maybe be happy and it seems very difficult to get that to come through... that transitioning and not transitioning both come with good and bad consequences
Well, talked to my mom for the first time in a couple of weeks and she said she is having a hard time with my transition because as soon as I was born she knew exactly who I was. So she knew who I was before I had developed a personality or sense of self? I agree, AnxietyDisord3r, she is clearly in denial, lol. This is a thing that I honestly don't understand about the supposed mother-child bond. This idea that mothers know their children best/are more emotionally close. It's especially ironic since I was mostly raised by my dad and haven't lived with her since I was 8 (I'm 31 now). But now that she's actually being forced to acknowledge that she doesn't know me she's freaking out.
Anyway, you both make really great points about people mistaking social dysphoria and presentation for physical dysphoria and identity. For a long time I didn't even have social dysphoria, but I had a ton of dysphoria about my body. And that didn't go away over time. It just got worse. But I'm realizing that cis people are so comfortable in and protective of their bodies that it is really hard for them to grasp the idea that HRT or surgery can make someone feel better. To them it seems so drastic, whereas to me it feel unthinkable to keep my body as it is. I wish I could press a button and make every cis person experience dysphoria for a month...
I feel you, Jonathan. They don't get it, everything we are is upside-down and backwards to them.
It seems like a lot of parents have a romantic fantasy idea of who their kid is and it doesn't often gel with reality
Quote from: AnxietyDisord3r on July 07, 2016, 03:24:26 PM
I feel you, Jonathan. They don't get it, everything we are is upside-down and backwards to them.
Thanks. It helps to know I'm not the only one dealing with this, at least.
Quote from: Peep on July 07, 2016, 04:09:17 PM
It seems like a lot of parents have a romantic fantasy idea of who their kid is and it doesn't often gel with reality
Right? I really don't understand where that comes from. It's like some parents just have kids so they can fit them into a fantasy of what they want their life to be.
Quote from: Jonathan L on July 07, 2016, 06:38:05 PM
Right? I really don't understand where that comes from. It's like some parents just have kids so they can fit them into a fantasy of what they want their life to be.
It's a narcissistic tendency. Not all people have kids for the 'right' reasons. But sometimes it's not narcissism that makes parents say these things. Sometimes they imagine lives for us and when they find out we are going to have a challenge in life they fight with denial for a while because they fear for our futures. My father isn't narcissistic but he was really freaked when he found out that I was going to be different and stayed in "bargaining" phase for a long time. Plus, he thought gender was malleable in a way it's really not. Our generation knows better; remember, experts when the Boomers were growing up sagely opined that gender was shaped by parents and society.
Google "raisedbynarcissists" and you'll find some very similar tales. It's not unique to parents/relatives of trans children. Reading through some of them may give you some ideas for how to deal with mom when she's acting like she is.