I've been planning to get a haircut for a while now, and yesterday night I decided to pull my my long hair back and take a selfie at an angle where you couldn't see it. I wanted to show it to my mom (who knows I'm trans) and I asked her what she thought. She asked me if it was one of my male cousins who sent a picture to me. I told her no, that it was me. She said, "Wow, I thought you were a guy!" then she looked at it more closely and said, "Oh, I can see how it's more 'you' now." and then proceeded to ask me about my hair, to which, I explained.
But it concerned me. With short hair, I look more like a guy, but mostly look like an androgynous person (leaning towards masculine).
Whenever I go out in public, I prefer to hide my breasts to the best of my ability. How much they show depends on what I'm wearing. And with the current bathroom drama, I wouldn't want to go to either bathroom. And gender neutral bathrooms aren't always an option, of course. I don't want women to yell at me or hit me, and I don't want to be beat up and/or sexually assaulted by men for just trying to pee.
If anything helps, I don't have any hair colors that would make me "look queer" (my hair is naturally brown), I'm either 5'3 or 5'4, and my voice is androgynous, too.
Cut your hair and use the men's. As long as you follow usual bathroom etiquette, you have nothing to fear in there.
Considering I identify as neutrois/agender and am pre-anything, my perspective is a bit different than yours.
If it were me and the bathroom tends to have a lot of people in it, I would choose the women's bathroom over the men's bathroom for safety reasons. If both bathrooms weren't busy, I would go to the men's bathroom as they tend to not have as many people as women's bathrooms do. If you are starting/on hormones or pass pretty well without them (my face is somewhat androgynous but my voice kills me every time), then go for the men's bathroom and see how it goes.
I would say cut your hair however you want, it's your life and I've seen plenty of people with short or long hair no matter their gender. I prefer family bathrooms as well, but then also tend to avoid any food/drinks when I'm out in public to avoid the bathroom if I can help it. Good luck
My mom is a straight woman who has has a masculine haircut for years and has no bathroom issues. I am 7 months on T, mostly passing, and still use the women's sometimes. There is a certain level of exaggeration regarding how much hassling happens (I live on Texas, so it's not that I am in a liberal area). Yeah, it's a huge issue but most of the time people are fine. I would not let that fear keep you from cutting your hair.
Yeah I understand where you are coming from, ever since I cut my hair I am seen as a guy. Unfortunately I have to live as a girl right now, so I just stay away from public bathrooms altogether to avoid any hassle.
If I were you, I would just use the men's restroom. Most guys won't even notice anyone else is in their with them. Just go in and do your business.