I've thought about my entire life , but never thought I would actually be able to attain Hormones much less come close to GRS. I remember in grade school and high school I would dream of being like Christine Jorgensen. It was during puberty my imagination exploded with thoughts of being a woman , but I never believed I'd actually be doing it. It was terrible all my life was torchor about changing into a woman , but I never would of believed I'd actually do it or be able to do it, But I proved myself wrong.
I think I was just more ignorant to the fact that I COULD transition and had a choice in the matter. As soon as I started doing research, I started working towards transitioning. But I certainly remember wishing a lot that I had a female body.
As a kid, I didn't exactly understand that I was trans, I just felt different. It wasn't until I went to undergrad that I began to figure all of it out. I still can't believe that I'm as far in my transition as I am. I'm very thankful to have been able to survive and be happy through it.
It bewilders and frustrates my boyfriend when I happy-cry. But I never thought I'd find someone who could really see me, if that makes any sense. I've spent way too much time not expecting anything good, it can be pretty overwhelming when I get it anyway.
I think we tend to think, "the world as we know it will end," if we come out or transition or whatever. We think of what it will do to everyone else, as well as how we might become lonelier. With accepting family and friends, or a found family and friends, it's no longer true.
For me, telling people important to me was pretty anticlimactic, I mean apart from the abusive ex. I'd say the harder step was embracing myself and not cringing when people say stupid things to me.
But eventually, someday, it'll be "what now?" Instead of "what's next?" When I'm ostensibly done with surgery planning and upkeep is the new normal, I will be able to breathe and relax, and find a new thing to focus on. At least I know my boyfriend will distract me so I don't obsess too much about the barely visible finish-line in the distance.
Hugs,
- Katie
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I pinch myself every day. I can't believe I have done what I have already. I can't believe I am living my dream in one week. Life before knowing I was trans was one long period of self discomfort. When I realized I was trans, life became an unstoppable freight train that I am powerless to stop. (Not that I want to.)
Great question Stephanie!
Moni
for me it was mostly ignorance of the process. All I knew was Christine Jorgensen who had to go to Denmark to get it. I just had no idea how to deal with situation other then buy time by dressing up which just led to more frustration because what I needed was hormones.If only I new how easy it turned out to be, but the period of time I grew up didn't make it easy. I've been through a lot of therapy , but this option was never shown to me.
The thought horrified me, even though a neighbour was a well known transsexual media personality and had been since having the op in 50s Casablanca. I put all my efforts into being a very androgynous (towards female) person instead. If the Internet had been big then, yes I might've taken steps as a teen - I was always quite bloody minded - first one in my 800 year old school to be exempted from field games and gym, because I could no longer bear the boys locker rooms etc.
And it was killing my love of swimming for obvious reasons. I asked if I could continue cross country and athletics, because I was really good at those - and they said it's all or nothing. So I said fine, it'll have to be nothing, and they gave me my opt out.
I remember saying to myself at 15, you can probably go to 25 or 30 and see how you feel then.
Of course I already knew, had done since I was 4. But I was sexually assaulted at 23 and living abroad - and immediately burned what I was wearing, left letters for my boss and landlord saying goodbye, went to the airport, and paid a stupid amount of money (day before Christmas Eve) for the first seat they had on the first flight back to London. I was so relieved to feel the plane touchdown at a very rainy Heathrow.
So the after effects of that, PTSD, took years away from me, and I might realistically have had a clear enough head to do it then or thereabouts had that not happened.
I always hoped I wouldn't have to, while knowing really that I would.
Quote from: alex82 on June 10, 2016, 10:40:36 PM
The thought horrified me. I put all my efforts into being a very androgynous (towards female) person instead. If the Internet had been big then, yes I might've taken steps as a teen - I was always quite bloody minded - first one in my 800 year old school to be exempted from field games and gym, because I could no longer bear the boys locker rooms etc.
And it was killing my love of swimming for obvious reasons. I asked if I could continue cross country and athletics, because I was really good at those - and they said it's all or nothing. So I said fine, it'll have to be nothing, and they gave me my opt out.
I remember saying to myself at 15, you can probably go to 25 or 30 and see how you feel then.
Of course I already knew, had done since I was 4. But I was sexually assaulted at 23 and living abroad - and immediately burned what I was wearing, left letters for my boss and landlord saying goodbye, went to the airport, and paid a stupid amount of money (day before Christmas Eve) for the first seat they had on the first flight back to London. I was so relieved to feel the plane touchdown at a very rainy Heathrow.
So the after effects of that, PTSD, took years away from me, and I might realistically have had a clear enough head to do it then or thereabouts had that not happened.
I always hoped I wouldn't have to, while knowing really that I would.
I'm so sorry you went through that. My ex raped me, among other abuse, and it took me almost 10 years to process it and get back on track with coming out and transition. I still suffer from PTSD, and I don't think it will go away completely, especially since I no longer have my rose colored glasses. But it started getting better after I started talking to people about it and got the help I needed to get through the worst of it.
Hugs,
- Katie
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Quote from: Obfuskatie on June 10, 2016, 10:47:24 PM
I'm so sorry you went through that. My ex raped me, among other abuse, and it took me almost 10 years to process it and get back on track with coming out and transition. I still suffer from PTSD, and I don't think it will go away completely, especially since I no longer have my rose colored glasses. But it started getting better after I started talking to people about it and got the help I needed to get through the worst of it.
Hugs,
- Katie
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Thanks Katie,
It's no gift that's for sure! No, it never does totally go away, but after trying several things I saw a fantastic woman last year whose technique was you talking about it, over and over, including all those little details, no escape, and where i then wanted to take my life. So, on the 23rd December last year, I marked my decade 'anniversary' with some champagne - when it was exactly 2.20am in the time zone it had happened in, and I knew then I had a real handle on it, because I felt OK when I'd expected it to be major. And so, yeah, where to now!
I'm sorry about your experience. I think of all the marks that kind of thing leaves, the worst are that it robs you of time when you should be getting on with life, and it throws your ability to plan and make effective decisions down the toilet.
Love to you, hoping for positive advances for you X
I'm so sorry you both had such unpleasant experiences. That's a terrible violation of self.
Back to Stephanie's question, I remember reading "Myra Brekenridge", by Gore Vidal way back then, and thinking that would be neat, but I'd rather not be crazy. (Like the story character.). I repressed it til I met a transwoman who was interviewing for a job on my team, when the thought popped into my head, "Gosh, I wish I was brave enough to do that." Wait, what? Sneaky subconscious...
I thought I'd never do it, and could keep it repressed for the rest of my life. Well, that was a big pile of "Nope!" Hello, Michelle!
In early childhood I had no clue, I actually thought that I was a girl and that I would grow up to be just like my mom and two sisters
But then came the fateful and rather hurtful day when my my mom was giving my sisters and I a bath together and my sisters began to make fun of me and pointed out that I was different from them
From then on I was made to bathe alone and because my parents were having marital problems I was having man hater stuff thrown at me and oddly enough I was also told fairly regularly that "We're going to make a man out of you"
So there I was, a rather scrawny kid who was picked on at school, church and at home as well
Half the time I felt like an indentured slave of sorts
So I would often venture off elsewhere after school
Eventually my mom got remarried and my step dad began teaching to stand up for myself and the martial arts he had learned in Vietnam
Influenced by this I went on other adventures that shall not be discussed other than befriending several Marine Corps and Navel personnel and visiting rather interesting places to collect the scares of getting shot, stabbed, and surviving explosions
All this time while being out to prove what a man I was, the feeling of being a woman still played in my mind
Finally in my 40's I decided to go for it
So here I am
I knew what I was at 10yrs when I came across transexual porn magazines,I thought of myself as a freak and it got worse by the time I was 14yrs and didn't pay much attention to my chest til one day in the boys locker rm and the fight was on,got 2 days home and 1 day. In a brkfst club atmosphere class where we either brought reading material or homework to do. I never seem to fit in anywhere.
No I had no clue. I had no exposure to transgender people prior to age 10 and all I saw was part of a discovery channel documentary which I was too young to understand. I believe it was about ->-bleeped-<-s and maybe a few intersex people.
I knew when I was five, dysphoria got pretty bad as a teen, and I didn't even come out till I was 25. I have a huge amount of regret over this.
I thought about it all the time when I was a kid, but not as a medical procedure. I looked to the gender faerie, prayer, wishes...but did not even understand what made me, me.
When I finally found out about transsexualism, I was in my early 20's and I knew that one day, I would be on my path. The only part I did not know in my infancy is what steps I would take to align everything. I really did not have a clear view of what "transition' meant, so androgyny and neutrality were my early goals.
I am so grateful to be able work myself in to my true self.
I've been practicing all my life, but just got the chance recently.
I never know what transition proper was until I got a bit older. There was no internet and trans stuff was like ultra taboo even more than now. It was just more of wanting to be rid of my male characteristics or sometimes I would simulate what I took to be feminine behavior. For instance I would use scotch tape to make fake nails, or puff my belly out real hard and say "I'm pregnant." This stuff was all suppressed in me by parents and society in general so I just stayed in boymode as best I could and so for a long while I just ignored it all assuming that there was no way of transitioning.
No, I would never guessed that. I think there is a time and space for everything, and everyone grows and develops at a different pace.
I prayed daily that somehow I would be transformed into the girl of my dreams. When that didn't happen, I married her. Unfortunately I couldn't keep the urges at bay and ended up dressing while she was at work. Most people would say. You have a beautiful, athletic, brilliant wife who likes sex, why would you do anything to destroy that relationship. After 37 years I finally have an answer that makes sense. DES it's more than a coincidence.
I planned it out and ya know who and how i was going to do it. I told everyone in my family if they didn't like to go away that they arn't worth my time. Primary my dad and little sister hate me but i don't care they are not family to me.
yea, it's a sad reality
No. I never heard about transgender/transsexuality when I was growing up. I heard once that there was people who's done sex change, but I thought that only millionaires who could afford the surgery.
yea, I thought it was just out of reach.
Although I never really understood what trans meant... I knew I was different, just didnt know how or why. I remember a tv show called Real People back in the late 70s.... it had a man and wife who both transitioned and I was like "Oh wow, they can do that!" At that age (around 10) I really didnt know what or how.... but it was a bit of a relief in a way...
Oh, how I prayed... I did not learn that gender transition was a thing until I saw Dr. Renee Richards on TV in 1981 or therabouts. I made three attempts at transitioning. 1982 (research at my college library, stopped by lack of funds and geography), 1989 (much more in depth research, had a good job and the funds, but learned that gender identity disorder was a mental illness, which would have meant loss of professional license and job), and 1998 or so (dressing, online research, online identity, stopped due to child custody fight).
Things seemed pretty good as a guy from 1999-2005, then the panic attacks started. I fought a war with myself and finally ran up the white flag eighteen months ago. It took a year to convince my wife to let me go for hormone therapy. Now here I am, one week on hormones and giddy as a teenage girl.
I am somewhat enigmatic when it comes to defining "Growing Up". Was it 4 y/o when mom first said "Boy's don't wear skirts"? Or 14ish when mom shanghaied me to a shrink after finding my stash of clothes for the THIRD time? 20 ish for my first transition experiment as I left uni? Or 4 years later after that failed experiment and a failed marriage? Or, a few years later after a long engagement was called off because I wasn't a 'Real Man' and experimented again?
Or, Is it Today, after seven years of hard work towards becoming a for real person? Also known as FINALLY almost growing up after some... almost 60 years on this third rock from the sun? Fifth grade for sure.... Maybe 6th.
Can I imagine it? Yes, if push comes to shove I can and will. Did I ever imagine I could EVER achieve my life long dream of being seen as and accepted as a woman? Hell No. Yet I have, in some many large ways short of the full immersion RLE.
No matter how much life was beaten of of me, I held on to the spark that gave me joy. No matter how wrong or contradictory to reality it seemed. I clung to the only thing I ever wished and prayed for in spite of all the odds. In spite of all the failures. I held on to that one small sliver life could not (completely) beat down
yes it is relentless
No chance. I was going to die before that happened and would die before anybody ever found out. I indulged in secret and made small gradual concessions but no way I was going to do that. NFW
Well, it turns out there are limits to will power and the ability to fight something that is hard wired like that.
I'm so happy though that I finally gave up and gave in. Ye gods, the simple joy of being who you are. It's amazing how fantastic it feels to get rid of a pain you lived with your entire life.
yes, today I went to the LGBT health clinic in Boys Town in Chicago. I had on a nice black dress and felt the world can't stop me, I felt pretty good.
I had no idea transsexual was a thing. I knew that I was different, my family made that abundantly obvious, but trans, not a clue. Boys don't have long hair, boys don't wear dresses, that is all I knew. I wanted to more than anything but was kept from those things and was even seperated from my girl friends. Puberty was horrible. I was so sure I should have been born a girl and the changes in my body seriously grossed me out. So much so that at age 14 I tried to fix gods little mistake. I always felt ashamed for feeling the way that I did but it really crashed over me then. The hospital stay, no one came to visit or called. (They tried so hard to hide how different I was from the world) Then the shrink for months after that, he didn't even try to hide his disgust for me. I hated myself and tried to lock it down after that.
:D I had a terrible fear of going to prison. I didn't want to be the way that I was. When I saw a don't let this happen to you documentary on prison, like at 16 or so, there was a two minute part about how .01% of all men who go to prison come out a girl. Oh god I wanted and feared that so bad.
I just had never heard of transsexual, even the documentary didn't mention it. Even if I had I would not have avoided transition. All my life I was told how wrong I was to want to be a girl, that it was not natural and a sin. I stopped dating because it didn't take me long to figure out that I didn't like girls that way and there was no way I could be gay. I hid from it for years even joined the military but I couldn't hide forever. I had isolated myself so much by my mid 20s and was suffering so much by then that if I would have heard of transitioning I would have. I didn't though, I still thought that I was the only one.
I met a girl in my late 20s that was patient and I was able to be with. So I grabbed onto the lifeline and went into hiding again.
By the time that I hit 40 of course I had heard of trans but thought it was just surgery. I didn't know if that was for me but I did know that I couldn't lie to myself anymore. I ended our relationship and resigned myself to a life alone. In less then three years I just wanted it over and thought about suicide constantly. Eventually it got to the point of,"Why not live as a girl at home? Better than killing myself right and I will be alone the rest of my life anyway." Taking the steps that I had avoided for so long, just feeling for one second what I wanted my whole life was all it took. It was like a bell rang inside and a perfect note vibrated through me. I laughed and cried for hours. That was it, the moment that I KNEW. I was going to live my life thereafter a girl. Soooo...
Well, here I am. :) No, I never knew, I thought for all of those years that I was hopelessly broken.
One question for everyone. Did you ever try bargaining with god? I did for over 25 years. Just let me wake up a girl, I will do whatever you want. Let me be a girl for a day, a week, a month or as long as I can get and I will be whatever it is you want me to be the rest of my life. Just god please, please, please let me be a girl. :) Just curious.
Growing up I never thought I'd transition. I don't know how old I was when I first discovered the term Transgender but I know I was about 8 when I first felt like I wanted to be a girl. But in my childhood everything was very gender segregated. Even though most of my best friends in primary school were girls my parents always encouraged me to make friends with the boys. All I knew was that boys wear blue and have short hair - I used to cry when I knew I was going to the hairdressers.
When I went to secondary school I sort of forced myself to fit in with the guys. I hated (and still hate) the whole 'lad culture' but I assimilated anyway because I didn't want to be picked on - being quite emotionally sensitive and being a muslim is already enough stress!!
I remember one day in summer 2012 I was looking at pictures of transwomen on tumblr and on that day I looked at myself in the mirror and said out loud "You are Transgender. You are going to transition in to a woman." and it felt kind of right. That day I was certain I was going to do it. About a week later I was certain I was not. Then another month went by and I went back to being fairly confident I was going to transition. I've been going through this cycle ever since. Even coming out to my girlfriend and getting the chance to dress up more hasn't helped.
Now I'm 20 and still pre-everything and often I still think I'll never have the freedom or the courage to transition :/
Quote from: Hannah Samira on June 15, 2016, 09:23:48 AM
Growing up I never thought I'd transition. I don't know how old I was when I first discovered the term Transgender but I know I was about 8 when I first felt like I wanted to be a girl. But in my childhood everything was very gender segregated. Even though most of my best friends in primary school were girls my parents always encouraged me to make friends with the boys. All I knew was that boys wear blue and have short hair - I used to cry when I knew I was going to the hairdressers.
When I went to secondary school I sort of forced myself to fit in with the guys. I hated (and still hate) the whole 'lad culture' but I assimilated anyway because I didn't want to be picked on - being quite emotionally sensitive and being a muslim is already enough stress!!
I remember one day in summer 2012 I was looking at pictures of transwomen on tumblr and on that day I looked at myself in the mirror and said out loud "You are Transgender. You are going to transition in to a woman." and it felt kind of right. That day I was certain I was going to do it. About a week later I was certain I was not. Then another month went by and I went back to being fairly confident I was going to transition. I've been going through this cycle ever since. Even coming out to my girlfriend and getting the chance to dress up more hasn't helped.
Now I'm 20 and still pre-everything and often I still think I'll never have the freedom or the courage to transition :/
Oh yes, the childhood going to the hairdresser trauma. Remember it well.
Used to go along to the salon with my mother, and loved it - all these high fashion clients coming down a glass runway into the place, crazy looking stylists with their shoulder pads and spangled jackets and peacock hairstyles, camp men in white jeans, stacks of fashion magazines, loud music, spotlights, people smoking in the lounge area. I thought it was heaven. And then once my mothers hair was done, it was my turn, and no matter how many times I told them to leave my fringe, when it looked up it had been hacked off anyway.
It took me years to trust hairdressers again! It was only once I really got into my twenties that I started enjoying going.
No, I didn't. In fact, if such a thing were even possible for me, that would have been a fantasy come true right there.
I worried alot about my future and growing into adulthood. I worried about how I was going to fit into a gender that was so uncomfortable for me in many future stages of my life. In no way did I think that I was actually going to live as a girl despite all the odds being against me.
The word 'transgender' didn't even exist when I was a kid. Neither did 'transition' in its current context. I heard the word ->-bleeped-<- when I was 16 or so. I didn't know if that was me or not. I didn't learn about
'transexual' until I was after I married. I grew up in the dark, not knowing anything about this. I'm surprised I transitioned so early in life. I didn't even know it was a thing before I had determined I would do it. I learned about hormones and stuff as I went. I look back and wonder how I did what I did.
yes us oldies , but goodies shared a common problem of lack of info.