Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Hi, I came across this forum and read some of the posts of other SOs and wanted to share my own story.

My husband off 11 years came out to me last Saturday as a transgender woman. We are both 37 years old. It was a complete shock and I had no idea that he harboured these feelings - there were no signs, nothing. I'm pretty clueless when it comes to gender identity issues and have spent the past week reading up about it so that I can try to better understand what he is going through. His father died unexpectedly the day before he told me, and he says it made him re-evaluate his life. On the Sunday he left me.

At first he told me he loved me and wanted me to be part of his transition. In one way I was relieved that he still loved me but then I was worried because I knew I could not have a relationship with a woman. A few hours after after coming out to me, he sent a mass email to his family and close friends asking for them to call him by his new female name and ordered breast forms. He has spent most of the past week browsing the internet for clothes and wigs. He's made enquiries about laser hair removal and hair transplants. To top it off, he's posting daily updates on Facebook about his transition. To me, he seems to be moving so fast. He's moved in temporarily with some friends who he's not known that long. He is also trying to deal with his father's death.

We've met up twice to talk but it's hard to see him in women's shorts and sandals, with no body hair, smelling of perfume. He gives me mixed messages about our relationship. He says he loves me but not romantically. He says there may be a future if I can be with him as a woman, but he can't promise anything because he may want to be with a man at the end of it all.

To say I'm devastated is an understatement. The last week has been hell. Any support or words of advice would be appreciated.

Thank you.

Big hug! I want to thank you for coming here. We cover all issues associated with transgender support, including the pain it can cause to a loved one. The only advice I have is keep the lines of communication open. The other SO's will find this thread and share their experiences with you. I'm single, so I have no valuable information to give you, just a hearty welcome to Susan's Place.

Hugs, Devlyn

sorry your going through this pain. I've never been married so I can't add anything.

I see so much of myself and my experience in your message. While I was not with my partner nearly as long as you- my partner also moved really really fast- but I do have to say yours mine have moved even faster than mine.  I just want you to know there are people out there that feel the pain of what you are going through. Sometimes I feel like the people on here and my therapist are the only people that really get it. Most other people seem to treat it like some normal breakup- like oh well- it was just a guy or just a relationship. NO.. its not just a guy- it was the PERSON you loved.. and its hard when you love someone beyond their outside identity to understand why this is happening. You might ask yourself what you had missed, or shouldnt you have seen this coming?  Sometimes I even feel like it is something I didn't fulfill that pushed my SO to this. I guess the more and more I read on here and talked to my therapist though, I realized that it isn't my fault and it's not yours either.  Its hard when things happen so fast.  My SO left me as well- and I still don know why. At this point maybe I feel like she now wants to be with men but now I am just starting to think its me that she doesn't want.

You said this all happened really quickly. I was kinda like you at first- I thought that I couldn't be in a relationship with a woman. After I stepped back some and thought about my sexuality more I realized I've always been attracted to women as well- even though Ive never gone past kissing some. For me I realized that the love I have for HER now will be just as strong- and I think it could even be exciting for all the changes.  I didn't feel that way as fast in as you- but the more I read and though about things and evaluated how much I loved that person the more strongly I felt about it. You are just in the initial finding out phase of things- have you thought about any of this a little more? No one has to know what happens behind closed doors- its most about what makes you  and your SO happy not what makes others happy. Unfortunately I still wait everyday for my ex partner to know how much I still love her.

At the same time- you also can choose that this really isn't ok with you- at which I guess all you can do is try to move forward.  Im so sorry your SO did this so fast to you .. I wouldn't run away/give up quite yet .Then again I have a really hard time giving up on someone I love. Just know you aren't alone in this.  I hope that reading things on here helps you- I know it has helped me a lot. And if nothing else there are lots of people here to listen.

Hey Kitty,

Welcome to Susans Place forums,   I have a very supportive life partner and wife.  We work together with our local gender alliance support group where my SO works directly with other SOs.  One reason the SOs want/need to have separate discussions is because our issues and experiences can be so different.

Many Sos will experience a legitimate sense of shock, disbelieve and certainly loss.  SOs may need to express their grief, anger, confusion and more.  That can be quite a contrast to we trans folks who are coming out and transitioning with a sense of freedom and even jubilation.

Your efforts to inform yourself and understand your husband are laudable.  If he has indeed "left" you it must hurt.  That they may also be dealing reactively to the loss of their father could be a trigger but this is just my speculation and I hope you and your husband will consider professional assistance from a therapist who knows about transgender people.  We can offer peer support here and I do wish you strength and the very best capacity to deal with the news.

KittyKatz, I'm so sorry to read this.  It sounds like your spouse is rushing into things far too fast.  This sort of thing, both a death in the family and the shock to both of you from coming out, really takes a while to process.

Your spouse may be suffering from some sort of 'life is too short' panic reaction to the death, and diving into transition as a way to distract themselves.  Please try to leave communications open between the two of you, just in case they realize this.

You might want to take care of yourself as well.  It sounds like you are going through a very distressing time, dealing with the sudden shock of events. Your spouse likely knew about their transgender nature for decades, keeping it hidden to meet the expectations of society. You've only had a few days to process the rather shocking news.  Consider meeting with a therapist to help you process this and get some unbiased advice on how to handle things going forward.

Please do take care of yourself.

HI KittyKatz,

I actually know exactly how you're feeling right now. Although I agree, with most replies on here, it appears you husband is rushing into this and moving very quickly...which doesn't provide allot of time for you as the wife to catch up and process your feelings as well.
Can I ask, did he cross dress during your marriage, that you were aware of? Or did this come completely out of the blue to you?
I can only give you some words of suggestion, after my own struggle in similar circumstances.... and those words are:
take time to process how you're feeling
Try not to stress out to much and cause any unnecessary arguments.
we are not in control, of how the TG person behaves, they will do as they please, as we should as well.
lastly...Look after yourself.
I would gently suggestion a catch up together to see if you can talk things through.
sorry my reply is short, I am currently at work...but you must must and I cannot stress this enough, work out what it is you want and what it is you can live with! :)
I have only, after 7/8 months after my SO came out to me..figured out what I want. These things take time.
xxx hugs Marie

Hi KittyKatz,

When I read your post, I could not believe how your husband treated you.  All I can say, is that as a transgender spouse, I would not have done it that way.

I understand his father's death may have blown a mental circuit breaker somewhere, but, in my humble opinion, transitioning while married should be handled with great care and consideration, not blowing your spouse out of the water with all these changes. It's just not fair to you.  He has undoubtedly had these feelings for years, and you apparently had no clue he felt this way. You were blindsided.

I was already separated from my wife for over a year (we were married 15 years at that point) when I decided to transition, and our separation had nothing directly to do with my being transgender. Even so, for the sake of our children, and quite honestly, for my own sake, I took things quite slowly.  I started seeing a therapist, then I started with laser/electrolysis hair removal.  I waited another year before starting hormone therapy. But I always presented as male to my wife and kids - even now, two and-a-half years later.  My looks have changed - long hair, pierced ears, no facial hair, but I don't come waltzing out in women's clothes.  Someday I will, but this is not the time.  I try to think of how my kids would react to seeing their dad present as female, and I don't know if they're ready for that.

I can only hope, that if your husband loves you, he will calm down after a while, and reassess the situation.  At the very least I hope he can be civil enough to ask how this is affecting you, and what he can do to help you through this shock. Transition is a long, hard road, and I think he will regret how he handled things with you if he does not try to have some compassion for what you are going though now.

Lastly, I hope you don't blame yourself for this, thinking perhaps you were "not woman enough" for him.  This has nothing to do with your desirability as a woman.  Where you go from here is something only you and your husband can work out.  Every relationship is unique.  I have a wonderful trans girlfriend who is several years post-op, and still married to her wife of 30 years.  It can be done, if that is what you both choose.

With kindness,

Terri 

Dear KittyKatz,
I am a M to F transgender person who will stay with my spouse. I told her about my gender feelings when we first started dating. That's the viewpoint I come from. A lot of things about your SO sound familiar to me. The things she wants were probably always there, and she hid them. When you think you will lose everyone by telling them your truth, you hide. It is a natural reaction to the situation of being transgender. You did not cause her feelings in any way. The fact that you have not run for the hills and are honestly researching this speaks to your good character. What I find very troublesome is the inconsideration she is showing you. You were in a committed relationship, and death of a family member or not, she owes it to you to treat you with respect. Is it hard to live in a body that doesn't match your brain? Yes, extremely hard. I'm sorry, it is no excuse to cause you unnecessary pain. With these situations, some couples are lucky enough to remain together. It has to be okay for both partners. If you must split, why would you not treat your partner with kindness (if they show no hostility?)You have feelings. Your partner should give you time to adjust. i would not be mad at your SO for being transgender. In my opinion, you should be mad at how she has treated you. She sounds very selfish. Sorry for the pain you are going through.
Moni

Hi, I'm a male to female and like you my SO had no idea. Men keep these thoughts to themselves unlike women. Yes, major emotional events in our lives cause us to reevaluate our position. For me I could not imagine myself on my deathbed with a life unfufilled and with regret. We have one life and should be able to live it fully.

My SO and I after much discussion decided that we would stay married. I'm open to her to have male companions and she likewise for me. We actually love each other more but maybe in a different way.

I know it's going to be difficult ...it takes many years for many of us to even accept who we are...give yourself time.

I'm disappointed that he does not engage in long conversations with you so that you can support him.. do you know if he has started Hormones yet? If not then you will see a lot more empathy from your partner...

Give it time...wish you all the best

KittyKatz,

  I am the opposite of your husband. I'm an old fossil that didn't have any romantic relations with women so I wouldn't disappoint them. I abstained from these relationships to prevent what has happened to you. Yet, I still like women after all of this. My condolences. I have no clue what to tell you, but I can say is that you have to decide what you want. This will be a hard decision as your relations with your spouse has been a good one.

Joelene

Not an SO or a relationship expert, but I can relate a little about my life that resonated. My wife's father died a few years ago. It was rather unexpected ... he thought it was heart trouble but it turned out to be cancer and he died a few months later. My wife was pretty much unconsolable for over a year. She didn't have a perfect relationship with Dad ... in fact, it had its ups and downs, its disappointments as well as its high points. There were a lot of issues tied up with losing him, and also some family drama thrown in. There wasn't much I could do about her hurting than try to comfort her.

My wife tried not to make any big financial decisions in the aftermath because her emotions were so high. It's usually considered sound advice.

It's tough to watch someone you love go through the grieving process and have to stand on the sideline. I wonder if throwing oneself into transition whole hog is a way to shove aside the grief and pain but ... it will still be there tomorrow. You love him, and all you can do is be there for him when he's ready to open up to you, if at all. Unfortunately, this is a prolonged process, especially because in our society we can't just stop everything to mourn.

Quote from: kittykatz on June 12, 2016, 01:08:44 PM
Hi, I came across this forum and read some of the posts of other SOs and wanted to share my own story.

My husband off 11 years came out to me last Saturday as a transgender woman. We are both 37 years old. It was a complete shock and I had no idea that he harboured these feelings - there were no signs, nothing. I'm pretty clueless when it comes to gender identity issues and have spent the past week reading up about it so that I can try to better understand what he is going through. His father died unexpectedly the day before he told me, and he says it made him re-evaluate his life. On the Sunday he left me.

At first he told me he loved me and wanted me to be part of his transition. In one way I was relieved that he still loved me but then I was worried because I knew I could not have a relationship with a woman. A few hours after after coming out to me, he sent a mass email to his family and close friends asking for them to call him by his new female name and ordered breast forms. He has spent most of the past week browsing the internet for clothes and wigs. He's made enquiries about laser hair removal and hair transplants. To top it off, he's posting daily updates on Facebook about his transition. To me, he seems to be moving so fast. He's moved in temporarily with some friends who he's not known that long. He is also trying to deal with his father's death.

We've met up twice to talk but it's hard to see him in women's shorts and sandals, with no body hair, smelling of perfume. He gives me mixed messages about our relationship. He says he loves me but not romantically. He says there may be a future if I can be with him as a woman, but he can't promise anything because he may want to be with a man at the end of it all.

To say I'm devastated is an understatement. The last week has been hell. Any support or words of advice would be appreciated.

Thank you.

First off, welcome to the SO forum. Secondly, I'm sorry you're being forced into dealing with any of this. In an ideal world, our men would be honest with us and themselves from the beginning and we wouldn't be finding ourselves in these situations.

Let me just say, any and all of your feelings - devastation, anger, regret, betrayal, and any others are completely valid. It's quite a life changing blow you've been dealt.

Have you thought about what you want? If he were to fully transition to a woman, would you still want to be with them romantically or only in a platonic manner? It's a lot to process. Not only are you dealing with your husband's transition, but you have to deal the transition of your marriage should you ultimately stay together. Take this separation time to think about what you need out of life. You might discover that you'd rather be friends than spouses. Whatever you decide for you is completely valid.

For me, if mine ever moves beyond non-binary and decides he needs to become female, I know we'll be getting divorced because I know I could never be with anyone who even thinks of themselves as a woman, let alone makes moves to have a feminine body. It's just not who I am.

Quote from: PrincessButtercup on June 13, 2016, 10:18:15 AMknown that long.

First off, welcome to the SO forum. Secondly, I'm sorry you're being forced into dealing with any of this. In an ideal world, our men would be honest with us and themselves from the beginning and we wouldn't be finding ourselves in these situations.

Let me just say, any and all of your feelings - devastation, anger, regret, betrayal, and any others are completely valid. It's quite a life changing blow you've been dealt.

Have you thought about what you want? If he were to fully transition to a woman, would you still want to be with them romantically or only in a platonic manner? It's a lot to process. Not only are you dealing with your husband's transition, but you have to deal the transition of your marriage should you ultimately stay together. Take this separation time to think about what you need out of life. You might discover that you'd rather be friends than spouses. Whatever you decide for you is completely valid.

For me, if mine ever moves beyond non-binary and decides he needs to become female, I know we'll be getting divorced because I know I could never be with anyone who even thinks of themselves as a woman, let alone makes moves to have a feminine body. It's just not who I am.

I had no idea that I was transgender until I was in my late forties. Sometimes it's not about being dishonest, it's about not knowing it yourself. How could you possibly share that with someone until you discover it? Food for thought.  :)

Hugs, Devlyn

Keeping the secret is part of the scenario for me. I kept it for thirty years from my present wife. Until about three months ago. I've lived my life wishing/ praying for one life and living another. I had already let it destroy one relationship and believe me my ex-wife is someone any man would be proud of. As was I. Over the last three months I have learned I have no control over my actions, I am not perverted. Lastly I may have been pre-programed by hormones given to my mom while I was in utero.  DES Diethylstilbestrol. I have no proof as my Moms records have long been destroyed by I do know she had a history of miscarriages for which DES was prescribed. Baby's physical being is created in the first three months, the mental aspects form later in the gestation period so it is thought DES if prescribed in the first three months has sufficient estrogen to alter the growth path of the male child, where they, like me, have male parts although not all standard equipment and a female dominant brain. Your husband appears to have been born outside the period where it was prescribed (1947 - 1971) as standard treatment for stillbirth and miscarriage. Although world wide it was used until quite recently. But there are other estrogen antagonists that have the ability to do the same thing. Not suggesting this is the case with your husband. It is also common for people like me to love only women, have children and have an otherwise normal looking existence. Except, I have always harbored an anger. Thinking since early on, something was amiss.My wife at this point thinks it would be more advantagous to her for me to get HRT. I Welcome the opportunity as at this stage of my life, the changes will be more mental than physical. I would just love feeling normal for once.

I feel for you

My wife has struggled for the past 7, almost 8 years with my "Dropping of the T-Bomb" Far from the spectacular display you endured.

When I did two things were paramount. 1) My being able to live another day/week. 2) The "US". For #1 I had some wiggle room. #2 required plenty of compromises and adjustments for us both. It is still in process as I still present primarily as male. Just not the same sort of male I was.

Sadly, you were taken completely out of any decision making process. Dump and Run. The past 11 years meaning..... squat. Your SO seems to be making a clean, no going back,break. First you, then everyone else. Burn all the bridges and all that is left is total commitment, no distractions, no chance of 'Going Back'.

Which may be necessary if there is no other alternative. When all that is left is left is transition or die trying. However, I would hope, that your life partner, BFF, and SO just might have been in on that conversation/decision to some degree.

But hey, I am an old fashion romantic

As a side note, I think this situation strongly illustrates why gender therapists are useful and necessary in many cases. 

Given how fast the spouse in question is taking things, it causes me wonder how reactionary this transition is.  I have heard more than one story about a spouse blindsiding their partner with a desire to transition and move full steam ahead leaving the rest of their family in the dust.  That has always felt sort of selfish to me.  I realize that many marriages do not survive a transition, but to cast aside the people who care about you (and that presumably you care about as well), is probably shedding light on deeper psychological issues, that probably require a professional therapist to address.

It is one thing to shave your body hair, paint your nails, start wearing a wig and perfume. 

It is entirely another to start changing your body chemistry and physical structure, which is why it is necessary to talk to a therapist before you can make changes to you body that cannot be undone.

Unfortunately people can still do things to their previous relationships that they might not be able to undo, which is why I hope the person who is transitioning in this case sees a professional soon.

Just my $0.02

J.

Thanks to everyone who taken the time to read and reply to my post. I appreciate your support.

I've come to realise that I am grieving for the loss of my husband and the relationship we had. I'm mostly upset at how she has treated me since coming out. One minute she loves me and tells me the reason we can't be together is that I can't be with a woman. This is true, I don't want a wife. The next minute she tells me she hasn't been happy with our marriage for a while - this is a complete surprise to me. We were loving and close up until the day she came out to me. Mourning the loss of my husband and best friend is painful enough, but feeling rejected and distant from her is in some ways worse. She treats me very differently now, which I feel is so unfair as all I have done is show her love and care. I didn't think it was possible for someone to change so much, so fast overnight.

Thanks for letting me vent  :)

Dear Kittykatz,
I'm so sorry you are going through this. It is not fair for someone to blind side a loved one like she has done to you. The transgender issue is one thing, but to not tell you about problems in the marriage and then spring it on you, well, that is not being an honest partner. You sound like a good person. It stinks when good people are treated badly. Hope you will be okay.
Moni

kittykatz

I am very sorry you are going through this. I know how hard this can be for the significant other. I wish you luck and love.

I also realized you had not been greeted by a staff member. We have some links we try to share. They are mostly welcome information and the rules that govern the site. If you have not had a chance to look through them, please take a moment:

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Once again, welcome to Susan's. Look around, ask questions and join in.

With warmth,

Joanna

Quote from: kittykatz on June 14, 2016, 03:20:36 AM
I'm mostly upset at how she has treated me since coming out. One minute she loves me and tells me the reason we can't be together is that I can't be with a woman. This is true, I don't want a wife. The next minute she tells me she hasn't been happy with our marriage for a while - this is a complete surprise to me. We were loving and close up until the day she came out to me. Mourning the loss of my husband and best friend is painful enough, but feeling rejected and distant from her is in some ways worse. She treats me very differently now, which I feel is so unfair as all I have done is show her love and care. I didn't think it was possible for someone to change so much, so fast overnight.

This may not mean much/ make you feel better. But I have experienced a very similar treatment to you.  My partner left me really suddenly, transitioned suddenly- and basically told me it was just because of me and had nothing to do with her desire to transition. I did make my mistakes- but the way that she chose to be done with them/me right when she transitioned left me feeling almost like it was my fault that she wanted to. It's such a confusing feeling to almost feel like you are the enemy- or the one that caused them to feel this way, when you are treated so differently after they decide to transition.  My ex partner has no communication of any sort with me- but has let many people into her life. Its almost like just like the old her has died- I am dead to her also.  Its the most painful thing I have been through in my life.

I wish I could give you more advice.  I would say try to be as supportive/open with your spouse as you can if you still want to be with him/ her after she transitions.  If not, maybe your spouse can at least have the heart to give you more of an explanation of why she is acting the way she is.  I know I don't have much advice to offer, but I just want you to know you aren't alone in your feelings.  Sometimes I feel like I am- but when I read about other SOs I don't feel quite as alone.

hugs.

brittany