This is going to be a very long post and I'm gonna be ranting quite a bit because I have nobody to talk to, so I apologize in advance:
Back when I was 15 and thought I wanted to have hormones and both top and bottom surgeries, my family basically shoved me back into the closet and told me I'd never be accepted. A few years later when Thomas Beatie was being talked about on the radio, my dad scoffed and called him a freak, shoving me back into the closet even further.
I eventually decided against surgery because of severe social anxiety, the fact that my body is sensitive and may not take well to it and bottom surgery isn't as advanced, plus even with surgeries and hormones I probably won't pass (I also have interstitial cystitis and have heard that T can make bladder flares worsen). I just wish I knew what transgender meant back when I was 15. I wish that this superior narrative of "people only being trans after they go through hormones and surgery" didn't exist. If it weren't for people and the media continually reinforcing that narrative, I would've have had to go through ten years of struggling and feeling guilty and feeling as if I am a freak that doesn't belong anywhere. If I had known what being trans really meant, I would've felt valid throughout this past decade.
In 2014/2015 I started hearing the term "transgender" and didn't really think much of it. I had bought into that transphobic narrative. I did more research on it and in August 2015, I finally came to realize that I've never been a girl/woman. All this time I have been a guy and for the first time, I just felt so much relief; relief that I'm not the only one who feels like this. That relief was very short-lived because I became aware of possibly the biggest root of my depression-- gender dysphoria. It basically sky-rocketed the moment I became aware of my true gender, and how often I get misgendered. As the months went by, my dysphoria, anxiety and depression became so severe I had multiple breakdowns and was on the verge of committing suicide. I couldn't hold it in anymore so I came out again to my mom. She claimed to support me, only to tell me "there is a reason why people transition later in life" and that what people think of me is more important. After coming out to her, she still misgenders me, has told me to "pull my big girl panties up" when I was having severe gender dysphoria and a mental breakdown, she doesn't understand what being trans is at all.
On December 27, 2015, I finally came out to my fiance about being transgender. We've been together since May 14, 2010, and he has been one of those guys who has made fun about men in the LGBT+ community (I fell in love with him long before he started cracking these jokes, and we've had arguments over it before he finally stopped doing it) and I was terrified of how he'd act. He was shocked and surprised me by saying that he accepts me and asked me why I hid it for so long. A couple weeks later when I think all is well... he misgenders me. I let it slide. A couple days later he tells me "hurry up, woman". The next day he calls me "woman", God, I don't know, up to ten times that day. And it continues. My sanity starts to slip, I feel the suicidal feelings creeping back, so in March I break down and tell him to stop misgendering. As I remind him I'm a trans guy, he freaks out on me. Apparantly everything I told him went over his head and he thought I was telling him I was attracted to trans people (To this day I'm still thinking "How the hell did you confuse my trans identity as my pansexuality). He yells at me about how I "lied to him" and kept this a secret and that it's going to ruin his career as a local singer. After awhile, he calms down and says we can make this work. He apologizes for saying the hurtful things he said and we move on. Not long after... he misgenders me again.
In April I break down again and ask him if he wants me to pretend to be straight and cisgender. He gets mad, tells me to accept myself and not care what others think and move on. So time goes by... and the same ->-bleeped-<- keeps happening.
Last night I was upset and he asked me about it. I told him about the Orlando shooting and how it's affected the LGBT+ community. And then he tells me something I'm never going to forget-- he told me that I am not part of the LGBT community; that I have to go to "gay clubs" and be actively protesting in order for me to be part of this community. I couldn't take anymore and I started having a panic attack, borderline hyperventilating and all. I know for a fact that I am a trans man and I am pansexual, but when I have these attacks, I am not in the right mindset and I will say crazy ->-bleeped-<- that I don't actually believe (it's like it's a weak attempt to get people in the wrong to see how they are acting). I said to him, while crying, "So what am I? I thought I was trans and pan, but... what am I? Should I just be a cisgender ally?" And he says, "What's wrong with that?" ......... Right now I'm still crying over that ->-bleeped-<-. I can't get over it. Not only did completely contradict himself by saying he supports me and that I should be myself only to turn around and say "NOT TRANS ENOUGH"; he's using that same bull->-bleeped-<- trans-superior theory. After that my panic attack got worse and he got mad. I remember at one point he yelled at me, "If you were trans and pan, you would not be with a straight guy!!!" At another point, this conversation happened:
Fiance: This is your fault!
Me: So society and everybody I knew, telling me that I was wrong and lying to myself is my fault???
Fiance: Well, you should've done your research about it back then! Not wait ten years!
After awhile, he calmed down and once again told me that he's with me because he loves me and I shouldn't pretend to be something I'm not (staight, cis) and that I should accept myself as trans. I'm so confused by him. I love this guy and he's really not a bad person. Like lots of cis people, he's bought into the "norms" of society and when their secure little bubbles are brought new information, it's like they refuse to let go... or have a hard time letting go anyways. He has a seven year old daughter from a previous relationship (I've known my step-daughter since she was thirteen months old) and I'm worried that she's either gonna grow up to be an ignorant cis girl if she's cis, or a self-hating trans boy/ non binary person because of the anti-trans things we see in the media. I don't believe her mom is very accepting of the trans community either so I have absolutely NO say in teaching her about other gender identies or even intersex people. My fiance and I have two biological children together (both assigned male at birth) and I'm trying my hardest to stay strong for them... but this is really taking a toll on my mental health. My physical health isn't that great either due to my I.C-- and stress can make bladder flares skyrocket. I don't know what to do. I'm holding on because I love my fiance, despite the hurtful things he's said and done. I love my three kids and I want to be there for them throughout their lives, especially if any of them end up not being cis. But I don't know what to do. I've talked to my doctor, councellour and my home visitor and they all suggested that I go to the Rainbow Resource Center (place that specializes in LGBT+ issues in my city), but I can't go until I get respite (or someone to watch my kids). I've been on a waiting list for months for respite, and still nothing. I have no non-related friends, my fiance is the owner of a painting company and works hard all the time (could be why he's so stressed and irritable), my mom works fulltime, my dad has his own business and my mom insists I keep my gender a secret from him anyway, my sister who has been the most awesome and accepting person to me works fulltime too so I'm basically ->-bleeped-<- out of luck. With nobody to talk to, no transgender friends... I just feel so alone and miserable. I'm a stay-at-home parent and a house spouse, but lately I haven't been able to focus on much other than the hate that's directed towards us, how I don't measure up to the standards of being fully accepted as transgender, how other people refuse to accept me as a guy because I cry too much (that and me liking adorable things are literally the only "feminine" things about me), it's just getting to be so overwhelming. I feel guilty for not being the greatest parent towards my kids. I'm so caught up in this, so dysphoric, my depression is so severe, I can't pay attention to them as much or even be that happy around them. I don't want them to grow up with a depressed parent bringing them down and making them depressed too, but I'm really at a loss of what to do. I'm just wondering... has anybody on here been though this situation? I know I'm not alone in this, but I feel so isolated and I don't know how much time I have left before transphobia and depression win, and I end up finally taking my life.
Nikki,
I am so sorry. I am way out of my depth on this. I hope you can find some help lines if you need it. Please promise me if you get to the point of self harm you will wait until you can talk to someone. Even if it is just a friend you can go and spend some time with. However, if you are alone, here are some resources:
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,112545.0.html
Speaking of which. Somehow I missed, are you seeing a therapist at the moment. They an be so helpful guiding you. Gender therapists can be even more specific. Please try to get in to see someone. Forums like this are very helpful but there is nothing like seeing someone face to face. I was terrified to do that but it is crucial.
there is no "Trans enough". The only one who can tell you you are trans is you. Not parents, not fiancés, friends ...not even your therapist.
I'm not sure where I was going with that, sorry.
You are not alone. We are all here and we hear you.
With warmth,
Joanna
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cycle_of_abuse#/media/File:Cycle_of_Abuse.png
What your partner is doing fits that to a T.
The way I see it, you only have three options.
1. Go back in the closet never to come out again.
2. Your fiancé joins you in therapy and both of you work out your differences.
3. You separate and go your separate way.
I suspect it will be nearly impossible for you to do number one. The fact you are seeking out others means you have reached the point that surpassing your feelings is very difficult. You might be able to do it for a short time but the pages of this site are littered with people who came out, returned to the closet and then came out again.
Number two is possible but not likely. Your fiancé already shows signs of being an abuser and not accepting of your needs. For the MTF, about half the relationships survive the transition. I suspect the numbers are not as good for the FTM but I don't really have a good feel for the FTM numbers yet. I do everything I can to help people stay together but I can't change people's mind.
Number three unfortunately I suspect is what will happen in the end. I know it's going to hurt you and the children but from your description above, I think you will find at some point you have no other option. If you are considering marriage, I would suggest you put your plans on hold until this issues is resolved. I normally give MTF's this advice, but before this get bad consider seeing a lawyer or legal console to protect your rights and don't sign away anything you might need in the future.
I hope the best for you, it's hard. Therapy would help if you already haven't.
Quote from: Joanna50 on June 15, 2016, 02:45:07 PM
Nikki,
I am so sorry. I am way out of my depth on this. I hope you can find some help lines if you need it. Please promise me if you get to the point of self harm you will wait until you can talk to someone. Even if it is just a friend you can go and spend some time with. However, if you are alone, here are some resources:
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,112545.0.html
Speaking of which. Somehow I missed, are you seeing a therapist at the moment. They an be so helpful guiding you. Gender therapists can be even more specific. Please try to get in to see someone. Forums like this are very helpful but there is nothing like seeing someone face to face. I was terrified to do that but it is crucial.
there is no "Trans enough". The only one who can tell you you are trans is you. Not parents, not fiancés, friends ...not even your therapist.
I'm not sure where I was going with that, sorry.
You are not alone. We are all here and we hear you.
With warmth,
Joanna
Thanks Joanna. I'm not seeing a therapist at the moment due to nobody being able to watch my kids. It's the main reason I've been on a waiting list for the respite program. They're government run and I've heard great things, but unfortunately the waiting list is long. I've been waiting for a good four months so far. I'm gonna keep hanging in there as much as I can. I don't know why I waited to check my post; social anxiety has been running my life lately. I'm glad to know that this forum is so supportive. It really helps being able to talk to people who know how this feels. Even just by coming on here makes me feel a lot better.Quote from: JMJW on June 15, 2016, 03:27:26 PM
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cycle_of_abuse#/media/File:Cycle_of_Abuse.png
What your partner is doing fits that to a T.
A few years ago, I'd be in denial. He's not physical, but he does fit the criteria of emotional abuse. Things actually aren't as bad as they were when we were about a year into the relationship. My fiancé was extremely jealous and controlling back then. I couldn't even be at my sister's house party one time because there were other dudes there. And back when I didn't realize I was a guy myself and didn't realize how dysphoric being isolated from other guys was, it was hard to deal with. I didn't really do anything to make him change; he just came to the realization that he was being just like his dad and just... stopped. To this day he has to remind me that he doesn't care who I'm around cause I got so used to limiting every action I took. After a good 4 years of insane jealousy, he actually changed (which came as a total surprise to me). I guess that's why I'm still holding onto the hope that he'll open his eyes over me being trans. I know there's no guarantee it's gonna happen and chances are we're gonna have to separate though. It's hard to think about, but him being contradictory and confusing is hard too. It doesn't help that his father literally beat all these horrible, traditional ways of thinking into him. My fiancé doesn't resort to the same methods as his dad, but in a way he's still continuing that cycle of abuse in an emotional way. Quote from: Dena on June 15, 2016, 04:32:56 PM
The way I see it, you only have three options.
1. Go back in the closet never to come out again.
2. Your fiancé joins you in therapy and both of you work out your differences.
3. You separate and go your separate way.
I suspect it will be nearly impossible for you to do number one. The fact you are seeking out others means you have reached the point that surpassing your feelings is very difficult. You might be able to do it for a short time but the pages of this site are littered with people who came out, returned to the closet and then came out again.
Number two is possible but not likely. Your fiancé already shows signs of being an abuser and not accepting of your needs. For the MTF, about half the relationships survive the transition. I suspect the numbers are not as good for the FTM but I don't really have a good feel for the FTM numbers yet. I do everything I can to help people stay together but I can't change people's mind.
Number three unfortunately I suspect is what will happen in the end. I know it's going to hurt you and the children but from your description above, I think you will find at some point you have no other option. If you are considering marriage, I would suggest you put your plans on hold until this issues is resolved. I normally give MTF's this advice, but before this get bad consider seeing a lawyer or legal console to protect your rights and don't sign away anything you might need in the future.
I'm not sure how to reply to messages, Dena. I just wanted to apologize for being vulgar with my wording in my original post. I was very upset, but that's not an excuse for that. I will definitely remember that for all my posts in the future.
And you're right about me. There's no way I can go back to pretending to be something I'm not. It's too painful. I've been thinking about it for a long time and chances are my fiancé and I won't be together for too long. I'm holding onto the hope that he'll open his eyes over this and change (like he did about his jealousy), but... that hope's been dwindling slowly. I may have to have a calm conversation with him about everything.
I just wanna thank all of you for replying and for those who sent me messages. I don't want to become another statistic in our society. While I'm waiting for therapy, I'm gonna be coming here a lot more often. This is such a great community on this forum.
From what I've read here it sounds like a dysfunctional relationship. Normally adjusted people wouldn't put up with that for years or even months. Both of you need therapy and yours is twofold: why would you spend that amount of time with someone like that and to deal with your gender issues. Remember that it takes two. I always wonder how people stay in uncommitted relationships for long times. Something is usually amiss.
I hope you find help and learn to love yourself. It's a journey worth taking.
Sent from my iPhone, inspected and certified by the NSA
wow....
what your mom said to you "put your big girl panties on" was highly disrespectful and would have been the equivalent of someone telling ME early in my transition to womanhood "grow some balls" which never happened but it would have been the equivalent. Never give up hope entirely but it sounds like you don't have much sympathy or understanding from her which is awful so you will have to look elsewhere.
this is super complex with your bf. others here have made some good points so I will leave it to others to comment on that aspect.
interacting with online groups of trans can help a lot...can you find an online trans man to sort of "take you under his wing" and provide extensive emotional support for you ?
can you get together in real life with a trans support group in your area ?
I have other thoughts but I will stop here. I feel what you need more than anything else is some emotional and practical support. Some of this support you can certainly get HERE -- most of us here have been through extremes and disasters to arrive at living our lives in our true gender -- so we feel with you.
Warm feelings for you,
Jennifer xx
Sounds like he has limited understanding of what exactly trans or falling under the LGBT umbrella means.
Like you said there is probably not much future in a sexual relationship with a straight man, and if he is going to be a friend he is acting like a very poor one. Sounds like you need to pull back into your shell a bit and rely on your own ideas and needs for the future regarding being trans. Others who do not understand this condition (i.e. cis people) often have limited comprehension of the situation and can be of limited help beyond being basically supportive and not abusive. Yourself and a medical professional are going to be the most help in navigating through it, with trans support sites like this perhaps being helpful. Allies are nice, but if they do not understand the situation they are not going to 'get you through it' as such. It is still a lone journey and requires you to be honest with yourself about what is most important to you in life and to weigh things up carefully.
I don't have kids because my trans condition couldn't even allow for that to compute, but many trans people do, and many of them work it out with their kids. Kids can be more accepting than most adults.
I don't know your situation or your partner but from the sounds of it he is not somebody you can rely on to provide consistency and consistent emotional support. I also do not have this, nor can I talk about it with my partner as it is a taboo subject causing instant downers, and there is nobody else I can speak to so I must rely on myself and my own views on the subject. You are definitely the best person to ask about something only you know about and can feel, so make yourself the first go-to and the expert on what you need and how you feel. Unfortunately others cannot be relied on to understand. At least there is your sister to provide support, I also have a sister who is supportive, although 300 miles away which isn't fantastic. But at least you can speak to someone who is consistent.
I guess you have a choice to make about how far you will go and what you want to do about your condition. Only you are qualified to make the choice, don't let other people tell you what you should and shouldn't be. I would avoid trying to raise issues to see how he or others feel about the topic in an aggressive or baiting way. In my experience it does nothing good, and in the long run, my relationship is not going to stay a relationship if I transition. So there's no point treating my partner in the same possessive way I once did expecting partner-type responses.
Quote from: JenniferLopezgomez on June 20, 2016, 08:23:12 PM
wow....
what your mom said to you "put your big girl panties on" was highly disrespectful and would have been the equivalent of someone telling ME early in my transition to womanhood "grow some balls" which never happened but it would have been the equivalent. Never give up hope entirely but it sounds like you don't have much sympathy or understanding from her which is awful so you will have to look elsewhere.
this is super complex with your bf. others here have made some good points so I will leave it to others to comment on that aspect.
interacting with online groups of trans can help a lot...can you find an online trans man to sort of "take you under his wing" and provide extensive emotional support for you ?
can you get together in real life with a trans support group in your area ?
I have other thoughts but I will stop here. I feel what you need more than anything else is some emotional and practical support. Some of this support you can certainly get HERE -- most of us here have been through extremes and disasters to arrive at living our lives in our true gender -- so we feel with you.
Warm feelings for you,
Jennifer xx
Thanks Jennifer. My doctor has recommended that I see my city's Rainbow Resource Center. I think they may have gender therapists there. Unfortunately I have to wait until someone can watch my kids during the day so I can go to any appointments or councilling. My kids are just babies and it'd be pretty hard to concentrate on a session with them getting into everything. I'm on a waiting list for a respite worker, but it's been months now. They said they'll let me know when a worker's available so it's just a matter of waiting for me. I don't know any other trans people in my city, but am hoping to maybe attend a group session when things get going at the RRC. Until then, this website has been very helpful, especially when the dysphoria gets bad. Quote from: T.K.G.W. on June 21, 2016, 08:37:13 PM
I guess you have a choice to make about how far you will go and what you want to do about your condition. Only you are qualified to make the choice, don't let other people tell you what you should and shouldn't be. I would avoid trying to raise issues to see how he or others feel about the topic in an aggressive or baiting way. In my experience it does nothing good, and in the long run, my relationship is not going to stay a relationship if I transition. So there's no point treating my partner in the same possessive way I once did expecting partner-type responses.
I've been working on approaching him without being upset about it, but so far it's been hard. For now I'm avoiding the topic all together and he hasn't misgendered me since the last argument... yet. I'm gonna try just calmly correcting him when he misgenders me again. Not sure if it'll do anything to help him see what I am. Though I have always reacted upset when starting these conversations, which only made things escalate.
Wargrowlmon1990, stop to think for a min that if you were a cis woman and your fiance wanted to transition into a woman how would you feel about the relationship? Me and my cis wife still deal with these issues and we made a deal I can crossdress but not transition for she didn't marry a woman. Its cool though I try to give her days where I'm all guy and she gives me days where I can be girly. But you have to see it from his point also and it takes alot of work which doesn't happen over night,me and my wife have been dealing with this issue for 17 yrs.and she still has her days.....mtc....Cheryl