I'm sorry in advance if I should post this in a different thread but I am posting in regards to my Non-Binary Trans masculine partner. They are currently on T and are out at work as nonbinary. An email was sent out to all the staff that Jay's pronouns were they/them/their. The majority of people at work (including friends) are still misgendering them. Jay doesn't want to correct them, and I see this really effecting their mental and emotional state. It's so bad coworkers will misgender them directly after a conversation acknowledging the HRT. I don't know what to do or what to tell them to help.
Im hoping for some advice I could pass along?
I see three options.
1. Ignore slight and act as if it never happened but don't let it bother you.
2. Correct the person.
3. Don't respond to any statement that contains a slight.
As your SO is not will to correct and this is bothersome I think there is little you can do other than try to have your SO address this in therapy. Possibly in therapy a way can be found so your SO will be able to correct the others.
Quote from: Dena on June 20, 2016, 05:05:49 PM
3. Don't respond to any statement that contains a slight.
This isn't tenable at work. That will involve not responding to co-workers, superiors, etc., and will result in getting fired. "You aren't being fired because you're trans*, you're being fired because you want respect."
It takes time. It takes practice. A month after coming out, I've only heard co-workers use them/they to describe me on 4 occasions. They just use my name, rather than pronouns. My skin is super thick, so I'm pretty much fine with that. I'd rather that they practiced using my pronouns, but I'm an absurdly patient person. I've been contemplating using them/they to describe everybody at work; to show them how it's done, and to show them how it feels to have people be awkward about one's pronouns. In a week or so, I'll probably discuss the idea of beginning this practice, and then wait for another week before acting on it.
It should be said that my co-workers have been extremely supportive. Even the old eastern europeans who seem like ultra grouchy conservative dudes have been really nice. They smile at me, say hello, and are generally warm to me. Nobody has gotten my name wrong. Not once. It's incredible. Even in that environment, people are weird about them/they.
I'm convinced that patience and thick skin is the only way. The world is not ready for us. We must pave the way. We must educate the people we interact with. A common theme in SJW writing is that we "shouldn't have to educate people." I wholeheartedly agree with the sentiment, but in reality, how else are people going to learn?
Yeah, I kind of agree on the we shouldn't have to educate anyone, but how else will they ever learn anything?
I am not out at work, and only out with the most supportive half of my family and friends, but since I am on a transitioning level of herbals, and switching to full HRT hopefully in two weeks, I'll be dealing with all of this really soon.
Culture moves slowly though, those that came before me have improved things to the point where I don't have to worry about my job for being trans, they went through hell to make that happen. If I have to have some patience to positively effect corporate culture, or get other parents at the PTA to realize LGBT isn't a big deal, then I am going to do my best.
I hope that even if on a small scale, I can make the world a better place for those that come after me.
- Jaded Jade
A few years ago I tried to explain non binary to a person who was very supportive of me and my transition but I could see her struggling with the concept. She even became dismissive and angry about it. If that's coming from an ally I hate to think what the general population would be like.
I suspect that the people at your partner's work need some proper education around non-binary identity and how people who identify as non-binary fit into the trans spectrum. Transgender is "weird" enough for most people but the majority of them can still work out the difference between she/he. Non binary is probably beyond most people's day to day understanding and, unlike he/she, they will not be all that used to using they/them/their to refer to a person in the singular nor as a gender or why it is important to your partner. A proper education session - not just a company email - might help facilitate understanding and better outcomes for your partner.
Quote from: Ms Grace on June 25, 2016, 02:38:34 AM
A proper education session - not just a company email - might help facilitate understanding and better outcomes for your partner.
I'm no expert, but I think that the education session needs to come from management (or HR backed up by management), along with clear, explicit policies as to what is and is not acceptable. A trans friend of mine formally transitioned at work earlier this year, and part of the process was the company bringing in consultants who did a whole education session, and another part was the company making and explaining clear policies. He says he's had no trouble since.
My impression is that an awful lot of companies try to slide by, preferring to assume that "we're all decent people here, what more do we need?"
Nope. From everything I've heard, formal training is absolutely necessary. And it has to be backed up by the people who do the hiring and firing and salaries and promotions. (This is what I plan to ask my company for when I transition at work in the fall -- assuming I don't fly all to pieces before then.)
I tend to agree, that unless steps and support are within an organization, that any education will be one way, more pioneering efforts. Maybe if the skin is thick enough, repeatedly giving demands may in the long run have some effect.
I've been at my current job for around 7 and 1/2 months, and have been out to coworkers for almost that whole time. I do still get misgendered, although it's not constant. Some coworkers seem to struggle more than others, too. I find that I actually get more upset by the misgendering now that it happens less frequently, because I'm always more surprised when it happens. I also started to go by my new name in March or April, and have found that my coworkers have no trouble at all calling me by the new name, despite still struggling with my pronouns.
The oddest thing to me is when a coworker actually use my new name and then uses the wrong pronouns in the same sentence, because I had sort of thought that dropping my 'typically female' name and using an ambiguous one would remind my coworkers that I do not use 'she' and that I'm not a girl. Unfortunately this hasn't been the case.
In regards to your partner, I can relate to not wanting to have to correct people. It can be awkward, for both people. I have found that not correcting people can lead to people literally not even realising what they've said, however. I really dislike having to correct people and so I often get too nervous to do so, but when I do I usually do it in one of two ways.
1. I simply interject, although not in an impolite way, with just the word 'they' or 'them' straight after being misgendered.
or
2. I repeat the sentence with the correct pronouns. Eg. someone says 'I was speaking to Kolby and she told me about her game'. I would then say 'They told you about their game'. Again, I don't do it in an impolite or confrontational manner.
In the case of someone who still repeatedly misgenders you after being corrected several times, that can be a more difficult situation. One way to tackle this is to confide in someone who does get your pronouns right, and who you can trust, and ask them to keep an ear out and correct people who get it wrong. This can also be a good way to deal with being unable to correct people yourself. And peer pressure can work quite well; if someone keeps using the wrong pronouns while others are using the right ones, after a while they're probably going to feel awkward enough to try harder, as brutal as that might sound.
Also, depending on your partners changes while on T, it's probably going to get a bit awkward for people who misgender them after a while. Your partner shouldn't have to rely on these changes to be referred to in the correct way, however.
This has gotten long and I'm not sure how well I've phrased any of it, but I have one final point to make. When I got my new job, only one of my coworkers even knew what non binary meant (and she's my housemate who I've known for a few years now). Every single one of my coworkers has had to be informed of what my gender is and what it means. Even now, I'm 90% sure most of them don't really understand that I'm transgender and not 'a gender noncomforming woman who doesn't like to be referred to as one'. I'm hoping eventually they, and people in general, will understand better. But at the same time, it can be difficult to talk about, and there's always the fear that I'll come across as 'too forceful' or 'too angsty' just by trying to express that I struggle sometimes. What I mean to say is that it can be very difficult to work as a non binary person, and it can be even harder if even your coworkers don't get your pronouns right. I really hope that things will improve for your partner, and that my advice about correcting people, or any of this rambling, might be of some use.