I'm having an issue with not feeling...authentic? sometimes I don't feel like i count as a woman because I am not a very emotional person. I don't usually have the dysphoria or depression that goes along with being trans. i mean, i know everyone has a different experience, but I cant help but feel like i dont count as female because i dont feel the dysphoria or depression very often. Honestly, most of the time I feel absolutely nothing. I feel like im not female, nor male. nothing in between. I dont even feel like Im ME. I have heard that some trans people have the emotionless issue and that HRT helps with that. Does anyone else experience this though? the total emotionlessness and feeling like nothing? its so hard to describe, I'm sorry for saying the same things over and over lol. I sometimes tell myself that I'm male, and then that I'm female just to see what feels true, but i end up just feeling confused and like there is no right answer. The dysphoria kicks in mostly when i have to shop for mens clothing, and when i tried on womens clothing, that was the first time I felt any positive emotion in a very long time. i Know who I am, I just cant get past these episodes of...well everything ive already said.
Welcome to Susan's Place. We don't always experience dysphoria the same way. Some feel uncomfortable with their body and others like me feel uncomfortable socially. Still others block out the dysphoria but enough leaks through that they feel a little off. In your case, I suspect you are transgender and know it or you wouldn't be looking for a answer here. You should consider seeing a gender therapist who can help you explore this in detail. Feel free to ask any questions you might have.
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do what makes you feel right
Have you undergone therapy and are you on hormones? I constantly worried about my authenticity until I started hormones, and then all doubts vanished like smoke.
I'm not on hormones yet, but I will be soon. I don't have a gender therapist, and getting access to one would be difficult. Family is unsupportive and I can't do anything outside the house without them being all up in my business.
Quote from: xBlackRose97x on June 26, 2016, 12:22:10 AM
I'm having an issue with not feeling...authentic? sometimes I don't feel like i count as a woman because I am not a very emotional person. I don't usually have the dysphoria or depression that goes along with being trans. i mean, i know everyone has a different experience, but I cant help but feel like i dont count as female because i dont feel the dysphoria or depression very often. Honestly, most of the time I feel absolutely nothing. I feel like im not female, nor male. nothing in between. I dont even feel like Im ME. I have heard that some trans people have the emotionless issue and that HRT helps with that. Does anyone else experience this though? the total emotionlessness and feeling like nothing? its so hard to describe, I'm sorry for saying the same things over and over lol. I sometimes tell myself that I'm male, and then that I'm female just to see what feels true, but i end up just feeling confused and like there is no right answer. The dysphoria kicks in mostly when i have to shop for mens clothing, and when i tried on womens clothing, that was the first time I felt any positive emotion in a very long time. i Know who I am, I just cant get past these episodes of...well everything ive already said.
You say you're not depressed, but are you sure you know what it means? That one I highlighted sounds like one of the symptoms of depression. Look it up and see how many you've got. I didn't know I was depressed until a doctor suggested it.
I've don't know what feels male or female anymore. Its all a mystery to me. I didn't even have dysphoria most of my life, and for a long time I didn't know what it was. I got it bad after some years though. It just took a long time of trying not to do anything.
I tried HRT, in some ways for lack of any other options. I tried stopping several times and couldn't. I feel normal on HRT, and terrible without it. I figure I must be trans. I don't worry if I'm a women or not because its not important. I'm me, and I'm happy (lately).
I have a therapist. Not a gender therapist though. He says I have depression but I just rarely feel it. Though its one of the only things I ever feel, its not very often. I keep forgetting to tell him about these episodes where I'm just...nothing. Or maybe I have and he didn't say anything about it. He does that a lot. Thank you guys, you all have been helpful :)
Quote from: xBlackRose97x on June 26, 2016, 08:00:43 PM
I have a therapist. Not a gender therapist though. He says I have depression but I just rarely feel it. Though its one of the only things I ever feel, its not very often. I keep forgetting to tell him about these episodes where I'm just...nothing. Or maybe I have and he didn't say anything about it. He does that a lot. Thank you guys, you all have been helpful :)
If you forget things, then write it down and take it with you next time you see him.
Flatness is depression, so it might be that more than anything else.
If you don't feel 'authentic' as a female or as a male, don't worry about it. Just work on being authentically you and start from there.
A lot of women aren't overly emotional, so that's not a sign that you don't ''belong'' as one. One of my old flatmates and still best friends is completely matter of fact, practical rather than emotional, a very stereotypically male drive for ambition and sex and status. And I'm the opposite.
We are a perfect team actually - every quality the other has is enhanced, every one she doesn't have I do and vice versa - so we approach things in complementary harmony knowing it's covered from all angles, the energy and humour we have when we're together is like electricity. We used to joke what a shame it was that we didn't find each other attractive (or weren't born with the genders swapped round - she's not trans at all, but would definitely prefer to have been a boy) or we'd have the best marriage in history.
I'm sure you'll find your way through. Depression doesn't have to be forever.
The thing about trying to be authentically me though, is that in these episodes, I'm not even me anymore. I become no one and nothing. The flatness always kinda made me feel less authentic (reading what you said about that really helped :) ) and in these episodes, that feeling of not being less authentic causes tons of confusion. I know I have emotions deep down that I'm simply unable to feel on the surface. If that makes any sense. Also, I'm new to this website so I apologize if I say something wrong or if I don't understand or use some terms. I'll look at those links :)
I think I feel something similar. I don't feel like anything other people describe, trans or cis. I don't feel much of anything when it comes to thinking about the clothes, the body, the transition... and for that reason I am not really holding my breath transition will actually be the answer to feeling lifelong inauthentic. But a lot of people do say HRT helps the mind, and body too of course, so I'm hoping it does.
Outside of these episodes I know who I am. I know I'm a trans woman.
Have you tried cross dressing? If not , I suggest trying it. When I first did it, it just erased any doubt's I had because for the first time, I felt like I was finally being me. There are lots of possibilities, and there are plenty of things that can help you figure it out. Do what feels right and makes you happy :)
Oh, yes. In fact I pretty much wear male clothes all the time at the moment and have done for several years. I certainly feel better for it, but until other things are changed, I'm still going to feel like I don't really belong in them.
Ive only just begun my transition so I don't have much experience or wisdom in these things, but I guess just follow your heart. Do what makes you happy and be yourself. Make whatever changes necessary :)
Before I transitioned, before I had any hrt, I used to often feel like I was watching my life, from a distance, like being in a movie theatre. And feeling disconnected and powerless and unable to affect any outcomes.
But I totally get when you describe feelings of nothingness and not authentic.
Maybe hrt will help you like it helped me?
Quote from: xBlackRose97x on June 26, 2016, 12:22:10 AM
I'm having an issue with not feeling...authentic? sometimes I don't feel like i count as a woman because I am not a very emotional person. I don't usually have the dysphoria or depression that goes along with being trans. i mean, i know everyone has a different experience, but I cant help but feel like i dont count as female because i dont feel the dysphoria or depression very often. Honestly, most of the time I feel absolutely nothing. I feel like im not female, nor male. nothing in between. I dont even feel like Im ME. I have heard that some trans people have the emotionless issue and that HRT helps with that. Does anyone else experience this though? the total emotionlessness and feeling like nothing? its so hard to describe, I'm sorry for saying the same things over and over lol. I sometimes tell myself that I'm male, and then that I'm female just to see what feels true, but i end up just feeling confused and like there is no right answer. The dysphoria kicks in mostly when i have to shop for mens clothing, and when i tried on womens clothing, that was the first time I felt any positive emotion in a very long time. i Know who I am, I just cant get past these episodes of...well everything ive already said.
First of all, feeling nothing all the time and not feeling like you are yourself are primary symptoms of depression. I know you may not want to hear that, but you don't have to be having detailed suicide plans and see a black tunnel every time you open your eyes to be depressed. I haven't even looked at other comments but hopefully at least half of the 12 other replies are telling you this as well.
Losing all your emotions is ALSO a sign of serious depression. Been there, done that! At the time I blamed it on the ASD ... nope, just depressed (and seriously out of touch with my body, my emotions, and myself).
It's okay to be detached from your emotions and your sense of self--this is a psychological defense you came up with to survive up until this point. Pat yourself on the back. You lived. You're having these thoughts now about clothing because you're ready. It's okay to have a clothing preference. It's okay to like shopping for women's clothes and not men's. Over time, you'll figure out more and more of what you do like and connect to you again, but it is a journey--don't rush it.
I'm not even 6 months into medical transition and I'm starting to feel calmer and like "me" again. Being brutally honest, crossdressing alone NEVER gave me relief from the dysphoria and depression. It's probably because my endogenous hormones were messing with my head every day. Also, having breasts got me down constantly in a way I wasn't even aware of because it had become such an everyday thing. I've experienced massive relief from hormone replacement therapy and corrective surgery. (I'm also on anti depressants but I was on them for a full year prior to starting medical transition ... I think the chemical therapy helped give me the confidence to start the transition.)
Not feeling like an authentic person is something I struggled with heavily in my early 20s. Ironically, I blamed it on my recently identified ASD and not on my trans status, which I was aware of. I think it's in part because trans status was explained to me like it was an identity or trait, like being gay (an identity I embraced at the time). Nobody ever told me what dysphoria was like, or that it made you depressed. Nobody ever told me there were serious health consequences to NOT transitioning. It was presented like a lifestyle choice.
Hey, not treating your high blood pressure is a lifestyle choice. Being diabetic and letting your blood sugar spike is a lifestyle choice. Being trans and avoiding any kind of medical treatment is a lifestyle choice too. Here's another irony: the anti depressant I'm on costs the healthcare plan $1000/mo. My hormones cost less than $30/mo. Needles, $2/mo. What a fiscally responsible plan! Let the trans condition and depression go untreated for years, pickle your brain in the wrong hormones, and end up too anxious/depressed to function. Seriously, my psych sent me to a psychiatrist to get drugs after two years of therapy because the best therapy there was wasn't making a dent. Maybe because it was hormonal after all--??
I hope if you do one thing you will start seeing someone for your depression. If you do decide to go forward with depression or exploring your identity (transition is not towards a fixed outcome--there are so many possibilities for you and you alone) you are going to need an ally anyway. Dealing with these issues is stressful and could cause you to crash to a lower place, so get a support network in place. A caring, experienced therapist ought to be part of that.
I constantly read that tg get depressed and or have migraine headaches. Personally, I have never been depressed or had migraine headaches. I was a successful male and always had a positive attitude. Being TG does not require depression ....now post op I'm living my dream and I have found greater peace. We are all different ....