Well,
I did it... basically I could no more be a male now that I could at start of transition to be female,
I am lucky, I pass.. you would think I would be on top of the world.. and I am.. at times.
So the odd things.
Guys... getting hit on has gotten old already.. Thats a good thing since its what I always missed having happen in life as a male. Its also funny how they do it... they can be so smooth.
Women.... You don't just lose male privilege with males... females treat you so different.. in good and bad ways. For example: I think CIS females think its funny I am suffering like them..LOL.. and by you being one of them your in the club.. that is good..
Reality........ When you have transitioned and life becomes normal.. you get a reality check. Being a woman is great because I am one.. always have been but what a hassle... Clothes, hair, makeup, bras, shoes, moisturizer, nails, emotions.. ugh.
Emotions....... You think you will be the same person after transition... think again.. You will have your memories but your not the same.... just ask my kids and ex.. OMG. I am totally girly now and my interests have changed a lot.. I cry and I am moody..
Vulnerability ........ this is a big one for me... I see guys as cute animals.. when they approach me I am vulnerable... tend to submit a little and play my role. Females are different than men.. if anyone says they are not then they are lying.. to you or to themselves..
BF's....... what is odd about this is I never thought I would have one.. I have plenty..LOL
Sex........ I don't kiss and tell but I like men and I like sex... a lot.
Driving.. I admit it.. I don't drive as well.. seriously
Life desires....... I find I want the same thing other women want.. I am a fast learner.
The WTF...... this is when you go WTF did I really do this.. Am I really that different.. OMG... I am a woman now... This happens at times when I miss the things I lost and I can get depressed.
The OMG... should I have done this??........ Yep, I go there.. it happens.. I cry.. sometimes hard.. Its like why did I have to be a woman,.... ->-bleeped-<- its hard and I lost so much. However because of good therapy and knowing myself well I always end up sad then happy because I am me.. finally me.. and I don't regret it... but that damn sure does not mean I don't miss being male.... I admit it... but I would never go back.. never.
Resignation.... resigning to the fact that its over.. you are a female for live.. and thats about it.. there is no going back... deal with it.. This is all part of the growing process... We are human and question everything.. that is how we make good decisions.. I am resigned to the fact that forever I have lost things.. and that forever I am female.. No reason to keep looking back but I do like to peek in on my past... and I loved my past life except for just one thing.. I suffered GID 24/7... and that is why I am ok with being a woman.. as hard as it is..
Love
Keri
Thank you for posting this. I found it very helpful.
Yes, thank you for sharing your thoughts. Love your new avatar photo. You look very happy.
~Terri
It's interesting, some FTMs and now you saying they don't drive as well after HRT. This is of interest to me because driving is my job. The only difference I've logged is that last year I was very anxious all the time and it was negatively affecting my driving (because I would get angry at traffic) but now post surgery I'm calmer and more in control when driving. However, my skill level is progressive: I've just gotten better over time. I don't buy this stuff about driving in general; I think it's about one's distraction level. I've also noticed that T makes me a little more impulsive in the sense that I'm more likely to do the impulsive thing instead of just thinking about it. It could also be considered the intuitive thing, and I'm just labeling it impulsive. However, survey says, young male drivers ARE the most dangerous demographic (16-19yo). (Next most dangerous are 70+ both genders.)
Since hormones rewrite your brain there may be some trans individuals who suffer cognitive decline with HRT. However, most people report cognitive improvement (because the dysphoria lessens, and anxiety and depression will impair your cognitive functioning).
So I just don't buy this. It's not about your brain, it's about what you're letting distract you behind the wheel. Are you texting and driving? Are you getting in emotional cell convos with family members while driving? Don't.
PS: the BEST bus driver I ever met was a feminine cis woman, young too. She had the touch. I couldn't touch her skills and neither could the best cis guys we had. There is NO proof that men are better at driving than women, just a lot of barriers to entry for competitive driving that keep the best women from going head to head with the best men. Just my INFORMED opinion.
PPS: even population level data shows that men have more crashes than women, so who is the better driver? public health says lady drivers have it going on!
HaHa
I am sure my driving skills being not so good have a lot more to do with distraction... wondering thoughts.. stuff like that.. I do actually drive much less aggressively and I have never had a ticket.. I get warnings.
So I am over generalizing when I say I don't drive as well... I still think testosterone gives men an edge but the extra aggressiveness also causes more issues with wrecks and tickets.
Lets just say I am a mess...
Keri
Quote from: AnxietyDisord3r on July 04, 2016, 06:11:28 AM
It's interesting, some FTMs and now you saying they don't drive as well after HRT. This is of interest to me because driving is my job. The only difference I've logged is that last year I was very anxious all the time and it was negatively affecting my driving (because I would get angry at traffic) but now post surgery I'm calmer and more in control when driving. However, my skill level is progressive: I've just gotten better over time. I don't buy this stuff about driving in general; I think it's about one's distraction level. I've also noticed that T makes me a little more impulsive in the sense that I'm more likely to do the impulsive thing instead of just thinking about it. It could also be considered the intuitive thing, and I'm just labeling it impulsive. However, survey says, young male drivers ARE the most dangerous demographic (16-19yo). (Next most dangerous are 70+ both genders.)
Since hormones rewrite your brain there may be some trans individuals who suffer cognitive decline with HRT. However, most people report cognitive improvement (because the dysphoria lessens, and anxiety and depression will impair your cognitive functioning).
So I just don't buy this. It's not about your brain, it's about what you're letting distract you behind the wheel. Are you texting and driving? Are you getting in emotional cell convos with family members while driving? Don't.
PS: the BEST bus driver I ever met was a feminine cis woman, young too. She had the touch. I couldn't touch her skills and neither could the best cis guys we had. There is NO proof that men are better at driving than women, just a lot of barriers to entry for competitive driving that keep the best women from going head to head with the best men. Just my INFORMED opinion.
PPS: even population level data shows that men have more crashes than women, so who is the better driver? public health says lady drivers have it going on!
Good stuff. I agree with most of it. We all have our perspectives, everything is subjective.
Even with all the hardship and loss of friends/family, I'd do it all again. I love my life now.
Quote from: Keri - formerly known as Dodie on July 05, 2016, 08:48:10 PM
So I am over generalizing when I say I don't drive as well... I still think testosterone gives men an edge but the extra aggressiveness also causes more issues with wrecks and tickets.
I come from a civil engineering perspective. We don't care who would theoretically win the Indy 500 on I-75. More wrecks = worse!
But you may be pleased to find out that men and women drive about the same in middle age, statistically. 35-45 yo drivers are considered the safest drivers.
This is an interesting topic, with some very interesting posts.
@Keri, I do agree and sympathise with a lot of what you say. In fact a lot of it is a breath of fresh air, when so many posters can be uber enthusiastic about everything now being awesome post-transitioning. I know that's not the case, so when I read someone else saying so, I immediately connect.
I too pass, and I am very lucky indeed for that, and it is luck + effort that does it. But it doesn't always mean I'm happy and grateful to be alive.
Yeah, getting hit on got old with me too. When I was younger I got a lot of attention from men, and I also played up to it, loved it and dressed provocatively. I enjoyed it at the time, until I got into hot water. I was learning how to "handle guys" as a crash course in a short amount of time, no-one realised when I had just transitioned that I hadn't got a lifetime of past experience to help me. I naively thought I could have lots of male friends (like I had before), but I didn't notice initially that they saw me as something else. It was only when guys actually fought over me that I finally realised what was going on, and how wrongly I was handling things. I really miss that part of my old life, having good close male friends with no other strings attached.
Losing male privilege is a little tough, but I found I was able to find the privileges I now had from being a female, and use them to fill that void. Being treated differently was strange at first, and then it was a massive ego boost as it meant I was passing, and then finally experiencing the cr@p that cis-women experience in life. Well that followed of course, and I guess I just have to suck it up!
Being a woman is extra hassle and work, I agree. But being a transgendered woman is extra work on top of that, at least for me. There are extra things I have to do and be aware of, that most cis-females don't have to. Sometimes the extra effort required really gets me down, and makes me feel that life is unfair and that I've been hard done by. Dealing with that can be very difficult, luckily my fella is very supportive and understanding of the issues and certain situations that are stressful for me. I miss the "just get up and go" hassle-free existence that guys generally have, but then, when I'm finally ready to face the world, it feels 100% better and just "right".
I guess I'm more moody and emotional. Although I wasn't a very tough guy, and I used to cry easily and openly before I transitioned. That was a real social no-no as a guy and I was frowned upon by my peers, but inside I wasn't so bothered as I knew I wasn't really a guy. I just couldn't hide it in the end. I've always been a bit "weepy", and after transitioning, I just got even more weepy, if that was possible. It can be a pain sure, but it's part of my character and always was.
I learnt the hard way about how vulnerable I now was as a woman. Another crash course served up by life! Yeah, I experienced physical, mental and sexual assault at the hands of guys. Goodness me do I now know how cis-women feel who have been through that :'(
That initial naive innocent joy of finally facing the world as a female, I experienced that, but it was beaten out of me, and replaced with a feeling of being "damaged goods". <shudders>
But after all that, I cannot change my biology, I like guys and I cannot lie <blush>. Luckily I now have a wonderful supporting man in my life, and he's helping me to rebuild a lot of my lost confidence.
One thing I don't agree with you about is driving. I was a trained test-driver with extra driving licences and permits I used for my old job. After transitioning, my driving improved because I am now calmer, and don't speed. I let road rage of others just pass me by. And since transitioned and had my op, I have gone on to add a lot of other driving licences and skills to my remit. I got my pilot's licence, I got a truck (HGV Class 1, artic) licence where the truck driving examiner told me I was the best driver he had ever tested in his 18 yr career. I got a fork-truck licence, I regularly skipper a steam boat, and I drive steam trains too. I think my driving has got better since I transitioned.
Really it's the "OMG Should I have done this, Yep, I go there.. it happens.. I cry.. sometimes hard.. Its like why did I have to be a woman,.... ->-bleeped-<- its hard and I lost so much" bit you wrote which really struck home with me the most. I totally have moments like this, and yeah, I get depressed about it. But really when I think about it I had no choice, and I don't regret it, but yeah it's difficult and I miss some things, but I've gained more than I lost in retrospect.
Thanks for a thought-provoking post.
Hi V
Sounds like we are on the same page, I appreciate your feedback.
I was at a movie with my guy and I was holding his arm,,, with my head on his shoulder... he would rub my arm and ask.. you ok sweetie..
We were in the downtown area for the fireworks and he would hold my hand the entire time.
I was sitting there in the movie and it dawned on my how sweet he is... a very loving and good looking man.
A girl is a girl.. and thats about it... I was never ever a guy really... But I had the costume I needed to play one. Its kind of cool really to have this life.... two lives in one.... how great is that.
Anyway, I enjoyed your post girl,.
Keri
Quote from: V on July 06, 2016, 11:51:37 AM
This is an interesting topic, with some very interesting posts.
@Keri, I do agree and sympathise with a lot of what you say. In fact a lot of it is a breath of fresh air, when so many posters can be uber enthusiastic about everything now being awesome post-transitioning. I know that's not the case, so when I read someone else saying so, I immediately connect.
I too pass, and I am very lucky indeed for that, and it is luck + effort that does it. But it doesn't always mean I'm happy and grateful to be alive.
Yeah, getting hit on got old with me too. When I was younger I got a lot of attention from men, and I also played up to it, loved it and dressed provocatively. I enjoyed it at the time, until I got into hot water. I was learning how to "handle guys" as a crash course in a short amount of time, no-one realised when I had just transitioned that I hadn't got a lifetime of past experience to help me. I naively thought I could have lots of male friends (like I had before), but I didn't notice initially that they saw me as something else. It was only when guys actually fought over me that I finally realised what was going on, and how wrongly I was handling things. I really miss that part of my old life, having good close male friends with no other strings attached.
Losing male privilege is a little tough, but I found I was able to find the privileges I now had from being a female, and use them to fill that void. Being treated differently was strange at first, and then it was a massive ego boost as it meant I was passing, and then finally experiencing the cr@p that cis-women experience in life. Well that followed of course, and I guess I just have to suck it up!
Being a woman is extra hassle and work, I agree. But being a transgendered woman is extra work on top of that, at least for me. There are extra things I have to do and be aware of, that most cis-females don't have to. Sometimes the extra effort required really gets me down, and makes me feel that life is unfair and that I've been hard done by. Dealing with that can be very difficult, luckily my fella is very supportive and understanding of the issues and certain situations that are stressful for me. I miss the "just get up and go" hassle-free existence that guys generally have, but then, when I'm finally ready to face the world, it feels 100% better and just "right".
I guess I'm more moody and emotional. Although I wasn't a very tough guy, and I used to cry easily and openly before I transitioned. That was a real social no-no as a guy and I was frowned upon by my peers, but inside I wasn't so bothered as I knew I wasn't really a guy. I just couldn't hide it in the end. I've always been a bit "weepy", and after transitioning, I just got even more weepy, if that was possible. It can be a pain sure, but it's part of my character and always was.
I learnt the hard way about how vulnerable I now was as a woman. Another crash course served up by life! Yeah, I experienced physical, mental and sexual assault at the hands of guys. Goodness me do I now know how cis-women feel who have been through that :'(
That initial naive innocent joy of finally facing the world as a female, I experienced that, but it was beaten out of me, and replaced with a feeling of being "damaged goods". <shudders>
But after all that, I cannot change my biology, I like guys and I cannot lie <blush>. Luckily I now have a wonderful supporting man in my life, and he's helping me to rebuild a lot of my lost confidence.
One thing I don't agree with you about is driving. I was a trained test-driver with extra driving licences and permits I used for my old job. After transitioning, my driving improved because I am now calmer, and don't speed. I let road rage of others just pass me by. And since transitioned and had my op, I have gone on to add a lot of other driving licences and skills to my remit. I got my pilot's licence, I got a truck (HGV Class 1, artic) licence where the truck driving examiner told me I was the best driver he had ever tested in his 18 yr career. I got a fork-truck licence, I regularly skipper a steam boat, and I drive steam trains too. I think my driving has got better since I transitioned.
Really it's the "OMG Should I have done this, Yep, I go there.. it happens.. I cry.. sometimes hard.. Its like why did I have to be a woman,.... ->-bleeped-<- its hard and I lost so much" bit you wrote which really struck home with me the most. I totally have moments like this, and yeah, I get depressed about it. But really when I think about it I had no choice, and I don't regret it, but yeah it's difficult and I miss some things, but I've gained more than I lost in retrospect.
Thanks for a thought-provoking post.
Quote from: Keri - formerly known as Dodie on July 06, 2016, 01:21:57 PM
Hi V
Sounds like we are on the same page, I appreciate your feedback.
I was at a movie with my guy and I was holding his arm,,, with my head on his shoulder... he would rub my arm and ask.. you ok sweetie..
We were in the downtown area for the fireworks and he would hold my hand the entire time.
I was sitting there in the movie and it dawned on my how sweet he is... a very loving and good looking man.
A girl is a girl.. and thats about it... I was never ever a guy really... But I had the costume I needed to play one. Its kind of cool really to have this life.... two lives in one.... how great is that.
Anyway, I enjoyed your post girl,.
Keri
Hi Keri,
Yeah, we are lucky :)
We both have wonderful guys in our lives. I am snuggled up in bed, next to my fella right now. He's fast asleep and snoring while I'm on my tablet because I'm a 'night owl'. But I don't mind him snoring because I like to hear and feel him next to me.
It's great being a girl isn't it! ;D
I know what you mean about having two lives, we are in unique positions to be able to experience both sides. I have some guy skills and traits, and some female ones as well. I try to make the most of it, it is pretty cool when you describe it like you have.
Stay safe,
V.