So my wife is the only person I have come out to as if yet. Before coming out I didn't have any dysphoria meaning hate for my male body or appearance that is.. but since I have come out to here a few months ago I have started to recognize my dysphoria.. before I just always really wanted to be a woman but now I'm beginning to hate my male characteristics.. so before I though transitioning is something I would never or could never do but I can't get it out of my head and the want and need is growing every day. When I first told her I was on the fence but still never thought I would actually do it but now I'm about 90% sure I am and I'm 100% sure I'm going to start hormones.. further more my wife has told me she doesn't view me as a male anymore and doesn't know if she ever could again because she knows my true mind now.. so I'm kinda stuck in the middle right now because I look male but I am female.. she isn't attracted to me sexually as a male anymore so we have been doing lesbian type stuff instead of tradition man woman sex luckily she is by.. but its hard for her to get turned on when seeing me because she now views me as female but when looking at me she's a male.. so I think I just need to do it as I don't believe I could ever regain my masculinity with her again
For me, it snuck up on me gradually. I have always felt a low level of dysphoria, but it was so chronic that I though it was normal. Not only did I not know the word for it, I didn't even recognize it as a thing to have a word for. I always daydreamed about transition, but never had the thought that it was something I could do in real life. It just seemed too freaky for me.
The turning point was hearing a transgender astrophysicist presenting a lecture at a scientific conference. I realized that not only was she acting as if this was perfectly normal, even more importantly, so was the audience. (And it was a darned good lecture, too.) That put an end to the freaky-factor for me, and got me seriously looking into the possibility of transitioning.
The more I investigated, the more the idea of being trans clicked into place and explained a lot about who I am.. It took 3 or 4 months before I accepted that this was me. And then another seven months to come out to my wife.
It was kind of like a light switch for me. I was always dysphoric, but it basically it would come in waves because I tried to push it down. Each wave came in stronger than the last until it basically just was like "Okay, I can't keep putting it off, I need to do this if I ever want to be me, be comfortable being me, etc.
The decision to identify as transgender was very gradual, but when I began HRT a switch was certainly thrown, and my world changed. In hindsight, the conclusion that I was transgendered appears inevitable. It seems like a paraphrase of that bit that Sherlock Holmes says -- something like "once you eliminate all that is not you, what is left, no matter how surprising, is you".
Actually I guess mine was gradual since I've been like this for my whole life. Yes whole life. My grandma gave me a rubber doll when I was born. I must of chewed on it a lot since it is all knarly. I've prayed, made deals with the devil, snuck around, protected my secret. We didn't have many roll models, but I saw Jazz Jennings on tv and saw how courageous she is and thought how wonderful she does not have to live in the agony I have. I actually see actors and actresses on tv now and it is so inspiring. Then an Orlando happens and I'm all scared again. But I'll be ok in a week or two.
Light switch. I clearly had gender issues when I was a kid, always wishing every night I'd wake up as a girl. Through high school I had repressed all that, blocked it out, and forgot about it. When I was 20, it was very much like a switch though I admit there were some unconscious signs slipping through the cracks. When I realized this was actually still a thing, I knew I couldn't just forget about it again and quickly made the decision to transition after making a pros and cons list with a friend. Took me several years until I actually transitioned but my decision never changed in that time.
For me it was like a switch. I had known about this for a very long time, butI literally woke up New years Eve and decided that I had had enough and made my choice to me myself and transition.
Jo
Light switch.
One day, it just went on. I kept trying to shut it off. Never could.
But I'm happier now than I have ever been. Turning on that switch saved my life.
Hugs
Jen
Light switch. I've known since I was four but I had managed to fight it all my life and thought I was going to be able to "take it to the grave." In October everything just crashed all at once, one second I was fine and the next second I was crying.
It was definitely a light switch. No doubt about it. I always knew what I needed to do but when it came time to do it. I twas definitely the light switch. Hugs
Mariah
Quote from: SophieD on July 01, 2016, 03:50:50 PM
The decision to identify as transgender was very gradual, but when I began HRT a switch was certainly thrown, and my world changed. In hindsight, the conclusion that I was transgendered appears inevitable. It seems like a paraphrase of that bit that Sherlock Holmes says -- something like "once you eliminate all that is not you, what is left, no matter how surprising, is you".
My experience was most similar to the above. I wanted to be absolutely 100% sure that transition would be the right decision for me. And I just wasn't sure. But I did know that I wanted laser hair removal for my face. And I did know that I wanted a feminizing rhinoplasty. And I wanted to see a gender therapist. And I absolutely wanted to try HRT. And I did all those things, but I told my friends I wasn't really transitioning. And then one of my friends was like, "um, you're kind of already transitioning if you're doing those things..." And I was like, lol, I guess I am! :)
But the HRT was what really flipped the light switch. It had such a major impact on all aspects of my well-being, I knew for sure at that point that this was the right path for me.
For me, it was years of denial. I knew that I was different, but I didn't know how to face it. Even as I grew used to the idea that people could transition, I could never say that it was right for me out loud, even just to myself.
I remember while I was in the hospital about 6 years ago after nearly killing myself, I filled out a long mental health questionnaire. Some of the questions involved my feelings of my gender identity and I was surprised that I was able to answer something like that honestly at the time. Nothing seemed to come from it though, since none of the doctors ever brought my answers up. Their silence could have been because they knew I was in the military at the time, even though it was an off-base hospital. Still, just having those questions actually presented to me did seem to make something click. That was the moment that I actually started digging deep for the courage to consider transitioning. It took me a few more years from then to actually open up about it.
Light switch. I knew about myself for two decades (knew the label, knew I could transition) but couldn't do anything about it. In fact, I recloseted myself for years. Then, I wore down completely and just broke open one day. A year later, I had started T, had top surgery, and become accepted as male everywhere.
Probably a bit of both the first time I tried to transition. A dawning realisation which, once it clicked on was very much on. This time it was more akin to a lightning bolt!
I'm not sure actually. I remember a kid in elementary school that was always playing at being cat woman or Wonder Woman and one day a mob of kids followed him to his home and truer to beat him up. Pretty much realized that different was bed on that day. I still had private fantasies of being a girl but I knew that that was wrong and repressed it.
My next encounter with a transgender figure was buffalo bill from silence of the lambs. Yup, that just helped keep things repressed.
So fast forward to when I'm 45. I was dating a woman who told me she was a gay man. I didn't take it to seriously, but he helped me to be accepting of my feelings. It went from admitting I was bi to one Halloween when I first dressed in female attire. After that it pretty much snowballed to where I am now. 6 months hrt and not regretting it a bit.
I wish I would have come to terms with it when I was younger, but it's still better than never having dealt with it
Quote from: StevieC9 on July 02, 2016, 04:57:06 AM
It went from admitting I was bi to one Halloween when I first dressed in female attire. After that it pretty much snowballed to where I am now.
Heh, same thing happened with me. 10 years ago I came to the realization that I was bi (though it didn't impact me much, just got me being more honest with myself), and then later that same year I realized I was trans and needed to do something about it. That was in October, so I dressed up a bit and come Halloween I went to a public Halloween event dressed as a sexy witch. It was very liberating for sure, but oddly enough I didn't hardly dress up between then and when I started HRT several years later.
I was fairly methodical about the whole thing. I knew what I wanted, but I wasn't sure I had the courage to do it, so approached transition in steps and I gave myself permission to fail if it got too hard, or the price seemed too high.
I started seeing a gender therapist to make sure I was being rational and reasonable about my thoughts. After a couple of sessions I felt transition is something I really wanted to try, so I started laser/electrolysis. After all, there are many men with light/no beards, so I didn't consider that an irrevocable step, although going to a salon, and admitting to someone I was transgender was kind of a big thing in itself.
I started growing my hair long. There are lots of men with long hair, and I could always cut my hair. I got my ears pierced. There are lots of men with pierced ears. That was actually the scariest step for me, believe it or not. I laugh now, but that took the most courage. It was the biggest shock to my self-image as a male. I always considered pierced ears a very feminine thing, and having pierced ears, something everyone could see, really started crumbling my male facade.
The clincher for me, though, was starting HRT. I was about a year into my decision to "try" transitioning when I decided to start HRT. Within days my dysphoria was gone, and I knew in my heart there was no going back.
So yeah, it took me a year to make an overnight decision.
~Terri
I personally make a distinction between taking on the trans beast for real vs "Transition". I use the definition of transition right out of the dictionary, "To Change".
It is almost exactly seven years today I made my first change. I reached out to and met with my TG support group moderator for her pre-screening interview. A monumental change or step I took. A step taken with absolutely no plans, nor intentions, to ever again try that living full-time as female thing for a third time.
Change for me came slowly. It was often a tough slog trying to balance all sorts of conflicting needs and wants in not just my life and also with those of my life partner's. There have been a lot of changes for both of us both. Monumental changes.
There have been a lot of changes. I am still changing, still transitioning as a whole person now. I still live and present primarily as male. Thanks to HRT and it's much needed brain reset other changes occurred. I have also achieved my life long dream of being seen as and accepted as a woman. Most amazing of all pretty much all the time I feel OK to good about being me, seeing me, and even feeling me. I have become a for real person with an entire spectrum of for real emotions, and the oft times surprising expressions of them.
Yeah like many of you I have known my whole life since around 5 I would say every time I would see a shooting star or blow out my birthday candles my wish was to be a girl I'm pretty sure every time but that was before internet so I just kept it a secret and went on with life as I got a little older I would were my sister's clothes secretly and shaved my legs a few times as well when I was around 13 then just hide it by wearing pants all the time. When I became an adult and joined the army it was still there but I kept it in deep when I would see a beautiful woman I would think like a man and say I would like to be with her but right after I would think I'd much rather be her than be with her..it wasn't untill I came out to my wife that I a actually considered the thought of actually transitioning.. and now I just can't shut it off or bury it like I could before.. so I have my first therapy session this Friday and I'm going to start hrt in six months or less depending on my weight loss as I want to lose 60lbs before starting while I still have testosterone on my side. I've decided that I'm going to commit to at least three months on hrt before I make my full and final decision to transition or not but I'm pretty sure I'm heading in the direction of transition I just have to work out some of my fears
I've known most of my life and in most respects it was gradual. What changed is I became more educated about it and used that newfound smarts in planning and executing my changes. Also once i had attained a certain level of "success", married and raised kids, i felt like i had less to mess up with the changes and could focus a bit more on what i needed for continued survival.
I thought that just being a "feminine guy" would be do it for me and i would take that to my grave, but i was just fooling myself and likely a bit scared of the prejudice in the world. My first presentation as a woman was decades ago, but i always jumped back and fourth and fancied myself sort of a doppleganger as part of my defense mechanisms
It's OK.
Everyone is different, and the mind is a wonderful thing... it can also protect itself from being hurt, by gradually coming to terms with something traumatic. Can take a week, a year or six decades. But soon you'll start to see the clues and knots throughout your life.
Gradual. I knew I wanted to be a boy when I was 4 or 5. At 17 I saw a documentary and realized I was trans but knew nothing about transitioning. I didn't know anything about HRT, and thought the only way to achieve what I wanted was hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of surgeries which was definitely off the table. My disphoria was so minor that I just mistook it for low self-esteem.
At the beginning of this year I learned about HRT and knew I wanted it but also KNEW I would never do it because of my family and I'm just a chicken, lol. Well, somwhere between then and now I slowly changed my mind. Really don't know when, but I have my first appointment to start HRT in less than two weeks.
Even if I don't continue or follow through with it I know I HAVE to try it.
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Gradual, leading up to the certainty I was going to transition (i.e., HRT) which was an "A ha!" moment...then it was gradual again, as I considered "how far is this going to go..?"
Definitely light switch. It would ebb and wane as I fought it off over the years but eventually it was too much to handle and I resigned myself to it.
I've always felt like a girl. But, I used to think that it didn't really mean anything. At one point in time, I learned about the whole gender spectrum, and what cis and trans mean; I decided, "well, I'm not cis." I still thought it pretty much meant nothing. One day, it just hit me out of nowhere...I've gotta do something about it. The entire framing of my identity changed in one sudden epiphany.
Realizing who I truly was was gradual, but the decision to start medically transitioning was like a light switch. One day I was just like "Yea I can't do this any more it's time to go talk to someone." Started T two weeks later.
For me it was a gradual thing to transition, I had tried to convince myself that I was a ->-bleeped-<- for most of my life until very recently I decided I needed to become the woman I knew deep down I was.
In my case, neither.
First, I have to explain that the conscious "me" isn't really the boss in my life. My conscious mind is only one corner of my mind/soul/psyche/whatever. I've learned over the years that something inside me seems to be guiding me, and it sure as heck isn't my conscious mind, because with most of these things, my conscious mind has no clue what to do, yet my life seems to have a clear course, one which so far has turned out to be the right one. Sometimes that "something" communicates with me, and then I call it my "inner oracle."
Anyway, I only started thinking of myself as trans about 3 years ago (thank you, Zinnia Jones!) I found a decent therapist and was talking to her about 2 years ago, and it was like my "inner oracle" was talking to me without words:
Inner Oracle: you're going to transition, you know. Just thought you'd like to know.
Me: WTF?? ??
Me: And just how is that going to happen? What do I do?
Inner Oracle: (mischievous grin) Oh, you'll figure it out.
Me: Gee, thanks for nothing!
Inner Oracle: (fades out like the Cheshire Cat)
Sometimes I really hate my Inner Oracle. (Okay, not really.)
EmilyMK03, I feel similar to how you described yourself, although i'm about 2 months in since my "awaking" and have been crossdressing every time I have the chance, about 3-4 evenings a week, so I feel that I still have a long way to go until I get a better understanding of myself. Thanks for sharing!
my decision was all about not taking my own life
More like getting hit with a sledge hammer.
It was fairly sudden for me. It came with the realization that not transitioning meant that I would be stuck in the same masquerade, pretending to be male and hiding myself, that I had been in for the decades that led to my suicidal depression.
The act of deciding to not transition was effectively surrendering to the dysphoria, giving up hope for transitioning. Hope was what I used to drag myself out of depression. Without hope, I'd be wrapping myself in that dark blanket for the remainder of my life. Without purpose, the end of that life would be very near.
I choose hope.
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The final realization that transition was the only option for me was like a switch was thrown. I did not fully come to it myself though.
I fought against my inner self since I learned how to be a boy to not get picked on. Somewhere around kindergarten and first grade. I learned to emulate whatever the boys were doing. How to be cold to each other's feelings and all that. I always had this want to play with the girls. I remember watching them do jump rope for entire recesses in those first few years. I did try it a few times but it wasn't the boyish thing to do at recess. I actually hadn't thought about that in a long time. Anyway I had the praying to God to wake up a girl, the wishing I looked like every pretty girl I saw. Disgust in how the boys talked about the girls in school. By that time I knew how to keep everything to myself and not let my feeling show at all. So I have always known that there was this girl in my head that wanted out so badly. I just came to the logical conclusion that such wasn't possible. I learned to focus on logical things like work to prevent my feelings from being at the front of my thoughts.
Since the internet (yes for the younger crowd, there was a time before the Internet existed lol😆) I have often watched video progressions of mtf transitions. I just kept feeling like I was way to old to bother changing and how would I make such a huge change anyway? Eventually I married and had kids. My female thought patterns have had some negative impacts on my marriage as my wife had expectations of how a man should act. How she thought I should want her in the sexual context. I on the other had always needed an emotional jump start to get spunky so to say. Finally after ten years I broke down, woke her up in the middle of the night and told her my deepest secret. She took it in stride. Even got out clothes she didn't fit and told me to put them on. She said it was the happiest she has ever seen my in our life together. That night I knew that transition was my only option to dealing with my mental state. Don't get me wrong she has had plenty of feelings of loss over the man she thought she knew. We are still trying to figure out where we are today. It may not end the way I hope it to but right now I just hope to remain friends as she is the only true friend I have had for a couple of decades now.
A lifetime of depression and repressed emotions is nothing more than existence. I for one want to live now not just exist. (I'm going to add that to my signature line just to remind myself of that thought when the doubt appears again.)
Both.
It's a switch when you realize there's options. Before I didn't know there were options.
It's a gradual process of allowing that to settle in and believe it.
Both.
It felt like a bolt of lightning, actually, and I knew deep in my heart as soon as I saw what facial surgery could do that I was going to go all the way. But I still played my cards close to my chest -- I spent the first six months doing therapy, support group, electrolysis, and voice work before getting started on HRT.
And then I ran like hell towards the brass ring.
definitely light switch
It was a light switch. For years I didn't think anything was possible because I have so many health problems. Health problems by the way, caused by my being Transgender. DES Son. When I finally was honest with my Therapist and by my third meeting she was asking me, if I wanted to go on HRT. I thought about it for about two minutes. I diddled around the subject since 1980 but could not be true to myself. Therefore I spent many years of self loathing, anger and disconnection from the real world. I am starting to come out of my shell and accept I am not mentally ill, weird, strange, perv, a bad father, a loveless fool, a crappy husband.
Quote from: link5019 on July 01, 2016, 03:19:43 PM
It was kind of like a light switch for me. I was always dysphoric, but it basically it would come in waves because I tried to push it down. Each wave came in stronger than the last until it basically just was like "Okay, I can't keep putting it off, I need to do this if I ever want to be me, be comfortable being me, etc.
This is how I would describe it myself, from waves to 24/7 and just knew I can not continue like this and it was time to accept and sort myself out.
The deep knowledge that I was always a woman was always there from the outset. But growing up in a transphobic garden it was always suppressed, never supported, always discouraged. Yes there did eventually arrive my moment where "the light switch was thrown." I can remember the day it happened. But it had been building up my whole life.
I liken it to how a rocket reaches escape velocity. X amount of rocket fuel is needed to reach that specific velocity. An ounce less and it falls back to earth. But when the proper amount of fuel is supplied to the engines. Then there is that one moment of release from the surly bonds of earth. And it is glorious.
I always likened it more to when a car crashes under the water in the movies and sinks to the bottom, while I'm watching the glass slowly cracking and the vehicle filling with water, then finally just kicking the window out and holding my breath.. lol
There's two aspects to this. Hormone related transition and non hormone related transition.
The non hormone parts was like a light switch. I was fed up of the misery. The feeling like I was cursed.
The hormone decision is a long, chronic, dragged out debate in my mind. That as of now, doesn't have a definite answer. If I get bottom surgery of some sort, would I always be able to afford hormones? Will the UK NHS even be here in the next fifteen years? Alternatively, am I prepared to take Spironolactone long term? Would any of this truly help me? Maybe I can get by with femme dressing and lots of art expression ??? Or not.
Two part answer here.
One, if I were to ignore the fact that I love my wife and love my relationship status, if it were just me, I would have transitioned 20 to 30 years ago. I could turn the light switch now for myself at any time.
The other answer is reality. I do love my wife and she says she loves me, and I am as afraid of losing her if I transition as I am afraid of death. Maybe I am less afraid of death. However I do cherish her and want to care for her and love her forever, and hope to be loved by her as much. What is gradual is the slow build of rejecting self denial and forcing my core inner being from being expressed. I cry silently to myself as I smile lovingly at my wife every time I see her. I do love her deeply and unconditionally. I hope she feels the same about me. What is gradual is that I am about to burst, to explode, unless I take the woman in me and let her shine. I do not need gender therapy for myself now. For myself I would transition instantly. I need gender therapy to lead to couples or marriage therapy to help my wife see how miserable I am.
I know that I must sound pathetic. My wife loves me and I am sure about it.
What is pathetic is that I have been afraid to tell my wife that I want to be her wife.
I can do this.
Quote from: JMJW on December 21, 2016, 09:34:01 PM
There's two aspects to this. Hormone related transition and non hormone related transition.
The non hormone parts was like a light switch. I was fed up of the misery. The feeling like I was cursed.
The hormone decision is a long, chronic, dragged out debate in my mind. That as of now, doesn't have a definite answer. If I get bottom surgery of some sort, would I always be able to afford hormones? Will the UK NHS even be here in the next fifteen years? Alternatively, am I prepared to take Spironolactone long term? Would any of this truly help me? Maybe I can get by with femme dressing and lots of art expression ??? Or not.
My short term goal is HRT. No debate in my own mind about what I want for my own body.
One year later I will be cleared for an orchiectomy to remove my testosterone factory. I want this.
I would love to have a full bottom surgery, but it's both a financial decision and a decision as to how much I can get my wife to go along with.