Good Evening everyone at susans,
im terribly sorry if this topic has been covered in another post or this is being posted in the wrong section.
After years of hiding proclivities and refusing to come to terms with things like wishing i were a woman i had finally come to terms with the fact that i WANT to be a woman, and im taking steps to get the ball rolling.
My dysphoria was never really severe. But since i started this whole process my dysphoria has only gotten worse. i have no feeling of self hate or any kind of self mutilation that i know has happened in more extreme cases. but the longer i think of things like hormones or SRS or womans clothes the more i dont like my male body.
sorry that this is rather long winded but i did just want to ask:
Is it normal for dysphoria to increase when you come to terms with being transgender?
That seems to be the case with me as well though it may be that my anxiety is now focused on the cause rather than blaming other things for what really was caused by my dysphoria I am not sure but now i know what I must do to help my self
bobbisue :)
This is very common.
The time when you start to seek a therapists and start the journey to actually getting help and transitioning can be very dysphoric, no matter how many years you have been putting it off.
It seems that once you accept yourself and the genie is out of the bottle then there is a big rush to get moving.
Remember there is lots you can do, laser, electrolysis, etc etc practice voice, deportment all helps fill in the time.
Quote from: Cindy on July 08, 2016, 03:25:32 AM
This is very common.
The time when you start to seek a therapists and start the journey to actually getting help and transitioning can be very dysphoric, no matter how many years you have been putting it off.
It seems that once you accept yourself and the genie is out of the bottle then there is a big rush to get moving.
Remember there is lots you can do, laser, electrolysis, etc etc practice voice, deportment all helps fill in the time.
please define deportment
Quote from: vodwuar on July 08, 2016, 03:36:38 AM
Quote from: Cindy on July 08, 2016, 03:25:32 AM
This is very common.
The time when you start to seek a therapists and start the journey to actually getting help and transitioning can be very dysphoric, no matter how many years you have been putting it off.
It seems that once you accept yourself and the genie is out of the bottle then there is a big rush to get moving.
Remember there is lots you can do, laser, electrolysis, etc etc practice voice, deportment all helps fill in the time.
please define deportment
How to walk, interact with others, sit, stand, talk. Deportment is how you 'carry' yourself. Men and women have profoundly different ways of interacting with their environment and if you wish to fit in, it is important to learn this.
My dysphoria has increased dramatically in the last month or so - 6 months into HRT. My anxiety is up, think because I'm on the verge of referral for GRS and having the decision to proceed ahead.
It kind of sucks right now, my depression is back with full force and I'm feeling paralyzed. It's probably not helping that my libido is on an unusually low ebb. At least my therapy schedule is back in place after a month hiatus.
Same here - I guess it has been 8 weeks since I came to term with being on the transgender spectrum and dysphoria / anxiety has changed and increased. What used to be the un-explained feelings now has a clear root cause. However now it is mostly around wanting to change even faster: figuring out HRT and really want GRS (even though some of the stories read here have put a damper on it).
As most I try to use the time: complete some outfits for day-to-day wear, observe, learn (Sports bras cause back pain being the latest, still trying to figure out makeup etc... Every little bit makes me happy and helps bridge the time. It has also lead to being way more appreciative of what women go through: Shaving legs and makeup just takes forever. Some people start to notice - mostly the lost 20 lbs (still 10 to go) and my fingernails looking a lot more taken care of - they better do considering the time I put in.
So - there is a lot making a girl happy - but still a lot more the girl wishes for...
Quote from: bobbisue on July 08, 2016, 02:59:11 AM
That seems to be the case with me as well though it may be that my anxiety is now focused on the cause rather than blaming other things for what really was caused by my dysphoria I am not sure but now i know what I must do to help my self
bobbisue :)
Me too.
I thought this was the case with me except the more I thought about it the dysphoria was always there it just didn't have a name and I didn't know why I felt the way I did. Knowing the cause of the feelings and knowing that I am not alone actually helps me deal with them. I'm not mental, I'm transgender. The only problem with knowing is that I also know that I'm too scared to do anything about it.
Straight out YES!
We're super self conscious, and we're vulnerable. Put the two together, plus transphobia (including internalized transphobia) makes us sometimes second-guessing ourselves. It's normal, and it's healthy to a point where it interferes with your daily life. Before, while we didn't have the body, we had a comfortable suit, or mask to hide in. Now that's gone, were vulnerable. So be very careful, especially with the opinions of others. They know we're weak while we are growing, and some might take the advantage to put us down. I don't understand their reasons, but it's probably transphobia. Remember: friends and family might be accepting, but they too can suffer from transphobia... after all, that is what the media has taught everyone.
The more I think about my gender problems, the worse I feel. Since joining this forum, I have been significantly more distracted and anxious than I was when I had my head buried (to no fault of the forum mind you). I suppose it's like anything in life. Think about bad things and you'll feel bad. Think about good things and you'll feel good (or at least not as bad). It also hasn't helped that I've made no progress. It's gotten to the point where seeing or hearing any female gives me anxiety (envy). So now I just have to avoid every female on Earth and I'll feel okay. How many of them could there be?
Quote from: 2cherry on July 08, 2016, 10:18:20 AM
Straight out YES!
We're super self conscious, and we're vulnerable. Put the two together, plus transphobia (including internalized transphobia) makes us sometimes second-guessing ourselves. It's normal, and it's healthy to a point where it interferes with your daily life. Before, while we didn't have the body, we had a comfortable suit, or mask to hide in. Now that's gone, were vulnerable. So be very careful, especially with the opinions of others. They know we're weak while we are growing, and some might take the advantage to put us down. I don't understand their reasons, but it's probably transphobia. Remember: friends and family might be accepting, but they too can suffer from transphobia... after all, that is what the media has taught everyone.
Wow. Thanks, this is absolutely dead on what I'm feeling right now. The spiro has got me calmed down deep inside, a huge relief, but the dysphoria, that little sense that something's wrong, I'm wrong, actually feels worse. I think my lack of a hiding place, combined with a certain lack of acceptance by both self and others has me feeling terribly self-conscious.
I'm sort of on my own for several days in a week, and I think I'll be out there as Michelle constantly, to see how that goes. Shopping, a movie, maybe a museum visit, dining out, and so on. An extended weekend real life experience, if you I will. It may help.
Since coming out of denial, I've realized just how much transphobia stings. They don't know what it feels like and how savage it is.
It's sadly no coincidence that genderdysphoria rhymes with transphobia... I even want to claim that the two are mutually related, and even reinforce each other. Even after 8 years I still learn something new about who I am, and what transphobia means to me, and how I internalized it, which led to denial and 30 years of hell. My dysphoria only got worse when the phobia increased around me and inside of me. The unwarranted shame and guilt, projecting my own transphobia on others, by thinking they are judging me while it was all in my head. The paranoia, the feeling I've grown eyes in the back of my head, all this phobia increases my dysphoria...
But... there was a lot of relief!!! Hormones, growing my hair, seeing my body change, softer skin, fuller face, the hair that went away, the electrolysis and seeing my face without a shadow for the first time, wearing comfortable clothes, makeup, all that girly stuff that I longed for so much... was in my reach, and it brought me joy... then SRS, and things clearly became better. Quit smoking (clean for 2 years), quit drinking (4 years), lost 27 pounds, and I am so much happier...
But... sometimes the dysphoria creeps back in, even after 8 years... mostly it's triggered by others, remarks, staring, and my own paranoia. The social interaction is the toughest bit...
As soon as I came to terms with my true gender, the dysphoria skyrocketed. It was almost unreal. Some days people don't have to misgender me for the dysphoria to come creeping back. Some mornings I wake up with it lingering from the night before. Some days I get flashbacks of times I previously got misgendered. Some days I get dysphoric just thinking about things people could potentially say to me or the things I could potentially lose if I were to get hormones or surgery. A transgender life is not an easy one but luckily this is a safe forum for us. You don't have to apologize for making a post like this. This was very short compared to lots of my posts, especially my first one. Even if you just feel like ranting or getting anything off your chest, this website is great for that.
Don't know about others but for me, yeah.
I don't hate myself, I have no intention of doing myself in, but I do feel like my entire life was an "aborted mission" from the start, the odds were against it from the word go and I'll never know what it feels like to enjoy the same stuff everyone else does in more or less the same way. That kind of increases the dysphoria a bit.
Quote from: T.K.G.W. on July 08, 2016, 05:44:57 PM
Don't know about others but for me, yeah.
I don't hate myself, I have no intention of doing myself in, but I do feel like my entire life was an "aborted mission" from the start, the odds were against it from the word go and I'll never know what it feels like to enjoy the same stuff everyone else does in more or less the same way. That kind of increases the dysphoria a bit.
Can I just say that this does change. My years post transition have been the happiest of my life and the most fulfilling. Yes I can regret not tackling this sooner, but hell we all carry baggage that stops us.
When the dysphoria hits try to look forward to the future, being you! Being free! Being Happy!
It is wonderful and it will happen.
And here's an interesting 4min. buzzfeedyellow video. It's about insecurity about being trans. Worth the watch.
Our Deepest Insecurities Being Trans.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rPo9lsJcnnc
I agree on the increased dysphoria.
I guess on my end, it is coming to terms that I do have gender problems and soon after it just hits me badly over acceptance that my body doesn't quite match who I am.
Yes. Definitely. Right after I realized I'm trans, I thought that I had never experienced dysphoria in the past. A little reflecting lead me to realize that I've always had it; and now pointing a big spotlight at it is making it feel huge/heavy. For example, now I'm not just waking up in a bad mood(Whatever, maybe I'm just tired), now I wake up calling myself hateful slurs in my head.(Because I know that I am not and maybe can not be who I feel.)
Funny thing about GD, there is a lot of self denial about it. Plus likely a lot of internalized transphobia, on top of the shame and guilt over not feel right in your skin. These factors lead to not wanting to recognized the GD even exists. Plus No One WANTS to be TG.
But, once that GD Genie is let out of the bottle..... OK I KNOW what is wrong. There is a great body of knowledge out there on ways to deal with it. I want to do something about it. I want the pain to stop.
Yep. Me too. Once I came to terms with being trans dysphoria is soaring. Not with the body per say but lots of social dysphoria. What was normal, now is this sense of being isolayed from others. Plus I realised I had some body dysphoria too all the way long.
Quote from: vodwuar on July 07, 2016, 10:34:37 PM
Good Evening everyone at susans,
im terribly sorry if this topic has been covered in another post or this is being posted in the wrong section.
After years of hiding proclivities and refusing to come to terms with things like wishing i were a woman i had finally come to terms with the fact that i WANT to be a woman, and im taking steps to get the ball rolling.
My dysphoria was never really severe. But since i started this whole process my dysphoria has only gotten worse. i have no feeling of self hate or any kind of self mutilation that i know has happened in more extreme cases. but the longer i think of things like hormones or SRS or womans clothes the more i dont like my male body.
sorry that this is rather long winded but i did just want to ask:
Is it normal for dysphoria to increase when you come to terms with being transgender?
This kinda sounds like what i am going through. after coming to a conclusion about being transgender the feelings have begun to feel a lot stronger and increase.
I have had this before but real life came and took over and was able to hide it, even though when i think about it was always there.
In thinking about this more, I'm not sure if it actually got worse, or if I'm just more aware of my own discomfort (OK, self-loathing) and keep picking at it.
I mean, it's always been there, but when I could distract myself or deny it, it was pushed back in my awareness a bit. Still there, eroding my self-confidence and causing me to sabotage my life, but less obvious. Now that I've confronted it and myself, I'm more self-aware, and more mindful of my mental state. The dysphoria is part of that, and is now part of my conscious environment, not the repressed junk I more or less ignored.
Bringing it front and center seems to make the dysphoria worse, but it could just be that my awareness of it has changed.
I didn't notice any increase of dysphoria after coming to terms with the idea of being trans.
I have noticed an increase since I started coming out as Allison and taking steps towards being seen as female. I think it has to do with the idea of living as a woman becoming real to me. It's no longer a fantasy, it's something I plan to do by the end of the year, ready or not.
I've always found my body and my face rather repulsive, but until then I was mostly able to just not think about it and not see myself when I looked in the mirror. Now, more and more, I'm seeing what I look like and getting grossed out by it and feeling awful about the way I look, to the point of having episodes where I just want to curl up in a ball and cry. It's making it harder to go out in public.
I'm also getting more and more bothered by having to keep it a secret at work (I don't plan to tell anyone until September and don't plan to actually present at work until the end of the year.) When I think people are seeing me as a guy, I have this overwhelming urge to say, "I'm not a guy!"
totally natural. and to be expected. I think the problem is there is no frame of reference. In many ways, I'm a different person now. I'm a trans woman. things that didn't bother me when i was trying to fit in as a fake man bother me now. That's part of transitioning. Yes women have issues with their bodies. Welcome to the club.
Quote from: jamie-lee on July 09, 2016, 09:51:01 AM
What was normal, now is this sense of being isolated from others.
A RL transition support group could do wonders with that.
Some of us are a bit 'painted into a corner' regarding dealing with dysphoria and transition.
I'm sitting here typing in jeans, nice fitted shirt, hair neatly brushed. The only reason I can be properly dressed right now is because the wife and daughter are out of the house for a few hours. I look right. I feel right. The dysphoria is effectively gone.
Alas, before they come home I have to go back to cross-dressing as a male. They know, and I'm totally out to them. I have my own drawers and closet space. However, I am not to be seen presenting as female by them. They know I've gone out to appointments, dined out, and gone shopping while dressed properly. I'd be full-time in an instant if I could, but I can't without losing my family, and that's important to me.
I'm in a transition support group, and it helps, but I'm really an outsider there, the only married person, and the only person not planning out when they can have what surgeries with which doctors. I really don't quite fit, they know it, and it shows.
My biggest hope right now is that I can find a way past the prolactin problem, get on estrogens, and go for full male fail. (I've got a 38A chest and 'moobs', a bit oddly shaped courtesy of finasteride and high prolactin, with high genetic hopes for some good growth.) I strongly suspect the result should be sufficiently weird that they'll want me to do something, anything to look less bizarre. ;)
I've only acknowledged to myself in the last few weeks that I'm trans, although looking back, the signs were there all my life since I was a small child (almost 40 now). I didn't have a name for this, though. I was used to my body, but not happy in it... generally, I do have a good self image on the whole, but now that I've finally recognized the issue and put the pieces together this spring, it's really like a light bulb turned on. Everything makes sense. Except... now I feel so strange when I look in the mirror, and the wrong face is looking out. Or I go to the closet and I don't know what to wear. It's very overwhelming. But it makes sense to me now why I feel that way, though it's far from comfortable. I hope it gets better.
Another observation....
I spent decades denying, suppressing, or otherwise beating down the GD. It was done in many ways. We all have them. We all relied upon them and still do. It part, it is what sets us apart from "Cis" people.
When you let that Genie out of the bottle, she will not go easily back in. The "Old Tricks" well... they are Old, Tired, and.... simply will no longer work, it seems.
Chicken and Egg. Is the GD worse or is Denial Difficult?
My vote is is for Denial is worse. We recognized the problem. Want to rectify the problem. and then there are things or days that...
Hm. Now it's gone. But I worked on it a lot, and hence grew into myself over the few months. I figured out what works for me and I stick to it. Not that a lot of pain and self-doubt wasn't on the way.
I should pop in on this. I haven't done any research on it, but yes, my dysphoria was more on the forefront since I started transition, though that may be because I notice or identify it better now. Something that needs to be said though, euphoria is a big thing for me right now. I love the way I feel when I do things which make me more feminine, and realising that this was an issue has given me that new outlet. So it's probably more good than bsd for me...