Hi everyone,
Sorry, essay coming, with some background about me and some questioning at the end. :) Cheers if you make it through all this.
This might seem like a strange thing to ask but, what do you do when you realise you're trans?
I'm in my late 30s, and in the last few weeks I've realised and acknowledged to myself that I'm a trans man. The clues have been there all my life, but I haven't had the knowledge or language to name this strange feeling inside me. It was such a relief doing research online and going to the library to see that there's lots of resources out there these days, but growing up when I did and where I did, transgender folks were not around me and no one was talking about them. As a teen, I had a couple of friends who were LGBTQ, but well closeted, because it wasn't a time or place around here where that would be accepted in my rough inner city school. Both of them came out in university. I'm so happy for teens now that there's more awareness about trans issues, and gender spectrum.
As for me, how can I describe myself? I was/am a tomboy, ever since the beginning. As a little kid, I loved bugs and animals and adventure. I hated dolls, hated dresses, hated being feminine. Until age 5, my hair was close cropped as a boy's. My mom was happy to let me be, my Dad wanted me to be a doll. There was even an incident when I was age four when my dad found me yelling obscenities as I bludgeoned the doll against the side of the house. I came from a very polite family, so don't ask me where I learned the swearing or got all that anger from. About the same age, I went for surgery, and as they put me under, I remember the doc asking me, did I want the pretty dolly or the red balloon. I wanted to tell him dollies were stupid but I think I passed out about then. :) And no offense to anyone who likes dolls, they just weren't my thing. As a kid and teen, most of my friends where boys. We could relate.
Teen years were kind of a disaster for various reasons, but luckily it was the grunge era and my friends and I, mostly guys, and generally nonconforming females, bought all our stuff at thrift shops--usually men's clothes. I definitely didn't go for anything feminine in my teen years, make up, etc.
Eventually, I went to uni and became an archaeologist, and I've worked as one for many years, despite being told 'I'm too feminine' for that by father. It's a very traditional profession, especially where I work in my corner of the world. Even though there were quite a few of us, and statistically speaking somebody's gotta be LGBTQ, only one person came out as a lesbian that I knew, out of hundreds of archaeologists, and she wasn't in a mainstream field role either.
In my twenties, I lived in a very conservative place and had a very conservative (homophobic!!) partner. After several years in this uncomfortable relationship, things ended, and I came more into myself in my 30s. I've had some health problems though in these years, especially this last year, that are bringing me to leave the profession, or at least go about working in a different way.
One thing I've done all my life is write fiction. And nearly all my main characters are male and queer. Only in the last while have I asked why, and I've realised it's because I identify with them. And I've realised that I'm still primarily attracted to men, but I want to be seen as male by others, as well as myself.
So that's a scary realisation. I reached out to a local charity and learned they offered gender therapy, so I'm on a waitlist, but it's going to be months before I talk to someone. I did tell my psychiatrist, who is supportive. But I've been freaking out privately while coming to terms with all this -- what it means for me professionally, finally an understanding of why I'm so uncomfortable in my body, etc. And freaked out again when the charity asked me what I'd liked to be called and my pronouns. Made things very real. And it feels like you should have this stuff sorted when you come forward.
So what did you do when you when you realised you were trans? What are the first steps?
I don't even know what clothes to wear any more (I tend to be more fashionable, though lately it's hoodies and jeans). My hair is still long. I'm trying to lose weight, and have lost 10lbs in 6 months, which I'm happy about. Trying to eat well, practice self care.
But I'm pretty sure I'm a trans man but I have no idea where to even start, you know? Names, legal names, pronouns, T, etc... I'm overwhelmed. I did tell a couple people close to me who are supportive, but they don't know what to help either, since it's out of their frame of reference too.
Cheers!
You've done one of the first and best things: finding a therapist who specializes in gender issues. I'm really sorry the waiting list is so long, because it sounds like this would be the most helpful thing for you right now.
And no, you're not supposed to "have this stuff sorted" at this stage. How the heck could you? It's normal to feel confused, and it's totally normal to feel scared. I'm in my 60s and spent my whole adult life knowing that I didn't identify as a woman, but managing to be in denial about actually being a guy. I finally had a complete depressive meltdown. Acknowledging my gender identity (with the help of a very good therapist) was essential to recovering from that, and at first I freaked out. I just didn't believe I had the strength to cope with transitioning -- the thought of reconstructing myself was overwhelming. Now I'm over three years into the transition process, and my life is very different; for the first time ever, I feel at home in the world. I'm still evolving, and I'm OK with that, although sometimes the pace of change feels very slow.
Are you located somewhere where you could find a peer support group, perhaps through the charity you mentioned? That might help you start sorting things out -- it can be good to connect with others who are going through similar stuff, and it would give you a place where you could try out different pronouns (and even names!) and see what feels right to you. There's no one "right" way to be trans, and it's actually smart to give yourself permission to try different things, without feeling you have to commit to any one way to be.
As far as clothing goes, wear what makes you feel good. Experiment. Look at men's fashion sites and see what speaks to you. I've gone from jeans and sweatshirts almost all the time to being a bit of a clotheshorse now and then -- on more formal occasions, it's a huge confidence-booster for me to know that I'm as well-dressed as anyone in the room. A person can put together a nice basic wardrobe with thrift shop finds and, when needed, a good tailor.
After I accepted that I was trans. I found a therapist to help me figure out what options I have to control my GD. Then I started researching everything I could find about transitioning, HRT, and the trans lifestyle. Once I understood my feelings and desires, I felt more comfortable with myself, and was able to come out to people around me much easier
What do you do? - Whatever you are comfortable with.
The most difficult aspect, for me and I'm sure many others, is sorting out where on the Trans Spectrum between Cis-Male and Cis-Female you are, Today. It can be a moving target each day, or maybe years or decades.
After 50 years of knowing beyond a doubt I was trans, I came to a point in my life when I was ready to, needed to, take on the Trans-Beast for real. I relied of Diversions, Distractions and some Denial, the 3D's, to get by along with the occassional CDing once a month or so. With a very well entrenched male life, a fun career, wife/BFF/soul-mate/Reality-Therapist, and a host of responsibilities and commitments I need to live up to. I didn't want to blow up my world over something that perhaps defined about 30% of who I am.
My prime task 7 years ago was to find a way to get these two great, seemingly disparate, aspects of myself, the male and the female, to live in peace inside one healthy and hopefully happier person.
Transitioning, or "Going All In" was not even on the radar. Been there, tried it twice in my early 20's. Both times stopping for all sorts of reasons. Number one being I was ill equipped for the task. At 6ft tall and having been a target as it was for much of my life, the last thing I needed was a (short) lifetime as one, by my own hand. So I settled for being "Just a CD" and tried my best to be a normal guy.
Many people at your point, seem to use the logic of "I know I am not a Cis-XX, therefore I must be Trans. Being trans means I need to be All in, as in making a full social and medical transition".
I use the dictionary meaning of "Transition", simply to change. I am not the person I was 8 years ago. I underwent a lot of personal growth. I started to learn what it means to be me and not the "Expected to be or do" me. I still live and present primarily as male. I sorted out (most days) how to balance all the conflicting needs in my life. If I went "All In" I doubt that other 70% of what makes me Me will still be intact.
Every day I do want to be totally authentic. Most days I feel I do not need to put at risk that other 70% of me in an attempt to achieve that total authenticity. After all, If the other aspects of me take a hit, I am still not totally authentic. My GD is (generally) not so severe that I feel I Need to.
Well done on reaching the first step by figuring out your trans. It's normal to figure out these things later in life due to the why society is; it's still a lot less common to know you're trans before you're 20 despite what the media wants to perpetuate.
It can overwhelming knowing where to start with everything. The Internet is now flooded with trans people saying 'you need to do this to pass' and yes some advice can be helpful but it's important to only dress how you feel comfortable and confident in. But here's my experience anyway in case you find it useful. When I first realised I was trans it was definitely important for me to attain a binder. IMO GC2B is the best company to get one. Here's a useful website as well http://ftmguide.rassaku.net/. I found there was no better feeling than wearing a shirt for the first time. Btw; I don't think the hair advice on the website is any good. I tried medium length messy hair but I look a lot more masculine with an undercut even when pre T.
When it comes to names try not too rush. You're gonna be stuck with that name for life. Try looking online or in books and test them out first. Although I found a few I liked I randomly find my name and yes I liked it; but I didn't have that cliché this name is so perfect for me moment (I rarely believe this actually happens) but didn't want to go through 1000 plus names so stuck with it and grew used to it. It's also important to find one that suits your personality. I'm sometimes masculine and feminine so Elis was perfect for me as it's somewhat androgynous sounding. Plus I didn't want a common name unlike my birth name.
As for pronouns no need to rush that either. Dysphoria unfortunately tends to get worse once you realise you're trans so it's normal to feel ok with female pronouns atm. Or like me feel you're a trans man atm but later find out you're nb and prefer 'they' pronouns.
Additionally when it comes to T I had to do two years weighing up the pros and cons. Some trans men never want it and that's fine too. If you look on Wikipedia and type in HRT for trans men it'll come up with a list of the permanent and non permanent changes of taking hormones.
Hope I helped and welcome to the forum :)
Once you realize you pretty much have two choices.
Let it change who you are as a person
Or not.
I don't let it change who I "am". For that reason I don't worry too much about the obstacles ahead. For me it is not going to be a big or dramatic change in terms of how I am already treated or what I already do. For some people though it can be dramatic and it makes sense to approach it in a way that best fits your situation. If you want to think of yourself as evolving into something different you can do that. For me it's kind of anti-climactic. I'm not changing into someone new and exciting. I'm just doing the paperwork and making sure I don't attract the wrong kind of attention. If I allowed all the stuff people say transmen are supposed to do to get to me I'd be a nervous wreck.
I came to terms with being a trans guy last August. It's been almost a year since then and all I've done so far is join this forum last month. I'm gonna be checking out an LGBTIQ+ resource center tomorrow, but I've been putting things off for too long. I think it's best to see a therapist sooner than later. The longer you wait, the harder it gets to deal with gender dysphoria, being misgendered, and all the issues that come with being trans.
Wow, thanks everybody for responding to me, I'm really blown away and feeling a bit better about things with all of your thoughts here. Definitely makes me feel less alone for sure. The isolation right now is very hard. And I appreciate how open you've been with your experiences.
For my next trick, I'm going to figure out the quote thing and respond to you all. I'm on the go today, but will respond properly tomorrow. :)
I am also in my late 30s and trying to navigate the whole "what do I do now that I've acknowledged I'm trans" thing. From your post, I expect we have a lot in common (I'm a biologist by training and used to work in forestry before I became a stay home parent). I also identify as a queer trans masculine person. I look forward to hearing from you again and maybe I'll even have more time to be on here soon.
Sent from my SM-G870W using Tapatalk
I was in a similar situation as yourself, I am a trans-woman but it wasn't until about 6 months ago that I finally realized that I was trans and only 3 months ago that I finally accepted the fact. Coming from a strict religious family transgender people were never viewed as "normal" people but rather as people who were mentally ill so I was never able to identify and accept who I was.
When I was in my teens I was never interested in typical "Male" activities, I didn't play sports or hang out with my cousins or friends or play with G.I. Joes. I was more interested in more feminine things such as playing dress up, ballet and other forms of dance. When I came out to my wife it was a huge step and a relief to know she would support me (she is doing it for the kids really but it is a start) during my transition, I have not come out to any other members of my family and still maintain my Male appearance until I am ready but I am relocating to another city with no family around I will finally be able to be my true self.
Quote from: Tysilio on July 10, 2016, 11:09:50 AM
You've done one of the first and best things: finding a therapist who specializes in gender issues. I'm really sorry the waiting list is so long, because it sounds like this would be the most helpful thing for you right now.
And no, you're not supposed to "have this stuff sorted" at this stage. How the heck could you? It's normal to feel confused, and it's totally normal to feel scared. I'm in my 60s and spent my whole adult life knowing that I didn't identify as a woman, but managing to be in denial about actually being a guy. I finally had a complete depressive meltdown. Acknowledging my gender identity (with the help of a very good therapist) was essential to recovering from that, and at first I freaked out. I just didn't believe I had the strength to cope with transitioning -- the thought of reconstructing myself was overwhelming. Now I'm over three years into the transition process, and my life is very different; for the first time ever, I feel at home in the world. I'm still evolving, and I'm OK with that, although sometimes the pace of change feels very slow.
Are you located somewhere where you could find a peer support group, perhaps through the charity you mentioned? That might help you start sorting things out -- it can be good to connect with others who are going through similar stuff, and it would give you a place where you could try out different pronouns (and even names!) and see what feels right to you. There's no one "right" way to be trans, and it's actually smart to give yourself permission to try different things, without feeling you have to commit to any one way to be.
As far as clothing goes, wear what makes you feel good. Experiment. Look at men's fashion sites and see what speaks to you. I've gone from jeans and sweatshirts almost all the time to being a bit of a clotheshorse now and then -- on more formal occasions, it's a huge confidence-booster for me to know that I'm as well-dressed as anyone in the room. A person can put together a nice basic wardrobe with thrift shop finds and, when needed, a good tailor.
Cheers for this - you really helped me here to step back and take a deep breath. I'm going to see if there's any progress on the waitlist for counselling since a month ago, and I'll also ask my psychiatrist if he knows of any other gender counselling systems through the health care system. There's some resources for trans people where I live, but I've just found the listing online and haven't been referred in yet. I did sign up to a local board and there's a trans support group, and even one for folks on FTM spectrum. So I should probably be brave and go next week.
I very much do love thrift shops for vintage clothing as well as fashion forward stuff too. But budget is limited right now, so I need to be careful. And also any change in my appearance is going to upset my mother, who I've been living with for the last little while for health reasons (unrelated) and while changing jobs.
She is trying to come to terms with the news that I'm trans. She was doing better at first, then yesterday when I said something about going to check out a trans resource that's newly opened nearby, she said that these sorts of places are getting blown up these days. :( Obviously not supportive comments. She also said the same thing lately about me wanting to take a trip and fly somewhere later this summer. And then she kept going on about how our ethnic community won't accept me (I'm not involved for various reasons). So in general it seems like she's operating from a place of fear and anxiety. I've got my own fears without worrying about hers on top so I'm going to need to look to move, I think. She's also made a couple other comments lately that have been upsetting.
Quote from: Moyshe313 on July 10, 2016, 12:36:38 PM
After I accepted that I was trans. I found a therapist to help me figure out what options I have to control my GD. Then I started researching everything I could find about transitioning, HRT, and the trans lifestyle. Once I understood my feelings and desires, I felt more comfortable with myself, and was able to come out to people around me much easier
I'm researching everything I can - I'm a researcher anyway, so it's in my nature. :) But I do get a bit overwhelmed if I do too much, so those days I step back. I keep going bit by bit though--I'm very curious and it's been a real eye-opener. I'm starting to accept this about me now, but have been particularly out of sorts the last year and unable to name why. And then I finally realised this spring I was trans, freaked out for a while, and now coming to accept this.
Quote from: JoanneB on July 10, 2016, 01:11:46 PM
What do you do? - Whatever you are comfortable with.
The most difficult aspect, for me and I'm sure many others, is sorting out where on the Trans Spectrum between Cis-Male and Cis-Female you are, Today. It can be a moving target each day, or maybe years or decades.
After 50 years of knowing beyond a doubt I was trans, I came to a point in my life when I was ready to, needed to, take on the Trans-Beast for real. I relied of Diversions, Distractions and some Denial, the 3D's, to get by along with the occassional CDing once a month or so. With a very well entrenched male life, a fun career, wife/BFF/soul-mate/Reality-Therapist, and a host of responsibilities and commitments I need to live up to. I didn't want to blow up my world over something that perhaps defined about 30% of who I am.
My prime task 7 years ago was to find a way to get these two great, seemingly disparate, aspects of myself, the male and the female, to live in peace inside one healthy and hopefully happier person.
Transitioning, or "Going All In" was not even on the radar. Been there, tried it twice in my early 20's. Both times stopping for all sorts of reasons. Number one being I was ill equipped for the task. At 6ft tall and having been a target as it was for much of my life, the last thing I needed was a (short) lifetime as one, by my own hand. So I settled for being "Just a CD" and tried my best to be a normal guy.
Many people at your point, seem to use the logic of "I know I am not a Cis-XX, therefore I must be Trans. Being trans means I need to be All in, as in making a full social and medical transition".
I use the dictionary meaning of "Transition", simply to change. I am not the person I was 8 years ago. I underwent a lot of personal growth. I started to learn what it means to be me and not the "Expected to be or do" me. I still live and present primarily as male. I sorted out (most days) how to balance all the conflicting needs in my life. If I went "All In" I doubt that other 70% of what makes me Me will still be intact.
Every day I do want to be totally authentic. Most days I feel I do not need to put at risk that other 70% of me in an attempt to achieve that total authenticity. After all, If the other aspects of me take a hit, I am still not totally authentic. My GD is (generally) not so severe that I feel I Need to.
I've figured out I'm on the spectrum, but not exactly where, or how I want to present. I'm thinking more androgynous to start, anyway. I know these changes don't happen overnight. I do know, though, I feel more male than female. And as anthropologist, I totally get that our definitions of gender are cultural, and have different meanings in different places and time, and how people present. I've lived between Canada and the UK, and I'm fascinated by the variety of differences of being male and female, and places in between in both countries. So I think the trick is for me to find my comfort zone and explore in the next while, but I'll say that my aesthetic at least comes from my time in the UK and London. I worked a bit amongst the fashion and designer crowd there. I'm a bit of a showboat at heart, when I'm in good spirits.
At my core, though, I'm still the same person, same beliefs, etc. And that's not going to change. :)
Quote from: Elis on July 10, 2016, 01:49:46 PM
Well done on reaching the first step by figuring out your trans. It's normal to figure out these things later in life due to the why society is; it's still a lot less common to know you're trans before you're 20 despite what the media wants to perpetuate.
It can overwhelming knowing where to start with everything. The Internet is now flooded with trans people saying 'you need to do this to pass' and yes some advice can be helpful but it's important to only dress how you feel comfortable and confident in. But here's my experience anyway in case you find it useful. When I first realised I was trans it was definitely important for me to attain a binder. IMO GC2B is the best company to get one. Here's a useful website as well http://ftmguide.rassaku.net/. I found there was no better feeling than wearing a shirt for the first time. Btw; I don't think the hair advice on the website is any good. I tried medium length messy hair but I look a lot more masculine with an undercut even when pre T.
When it comes to names try not too rush. You're gonna be stuck with that name for life. Try looking online or in books and test them out first. Although I found a few I liked I randomly find my name and yes I liked it; but I didn't have that cliché this name is so perfect for me moment (I rarely believe this actually happens) but didn't want to go through 1000 plus names so stuck with it and grew used to it. It's also important to find one that suits your personality. I'm sometimes masculine and feminine so Elis was perfect for me as it's somewhat androgynous sounding. Plus I didn't want a common name unlike my birth name.
As for pronouns no need to rush that either. Dysphoria unfortunately tends to get worse once you realise you're trans so it's normal to feel ok with female pronouns atm. Or like me feel you're a trans man atm but later find out you're nb and prefer 'they' pronouns.
Additionally when it comes to T I had to do two years weighing up the pros and cons. Some trans men never want it and that's fine too. If you look on Wikipedia and type in HRT for trans men it'll come up with a list of the permanent and non permanent changes of taking hormones.
Hope I helped and welcome to the forum :)
Cheers for the welcome and yes, you did help. :)
I did discover that website you linked above and it's amazing. I love all the fashion advice and passing tips. Hair is a big dilemma, but my hair is naturally on the messy side, so I'll probably do a mid-length cut for now. I've been doing a lot of image searches, lol. And hair right now is long, mid-back. I once chopped off my hair very short about 20 years ago, a bit traumatic. So I don't think I could do something quite so short again any time soon. I'd rather read as androgynous right now-- my personal fear is to end up with a pixie cut or buzz cut or... something. I mentioned to my stylist last time that I was considering going short, and she brought all sorts of pictures of pixie cuts and shaved parts and I'm not up for that, heh.
I've been reading up on binders the last few weeks and have been seeing the reccie's for GC2B - should just go on and place an order. :)
Names... yes, this is an interesting one. I've some history of a couple of name crises in my life. I nearly changed my name when I was thirteen but my Mom wouldn't let me. I wanted to disassociate from my father (had his last name, didn't want it - he was out of the picture for some time) and never liked my given names. My family always called me by a nickname I liked much better and wanted to change to that. As a teen, I did get to the point where I didn't even know what name to write down, then decided everyone was calling me by my nickname. As for names now, I would like to change it, but this has implications (especially as I'm a dual national and need to look into rules about legal name/gender changes in both countries). As well, I'm a writer, and I've been writing under a male pen name, but ideally, I'd like this to be my new name. The first name is clearly male and the second is androgynous, and is a variant of the nickname I've liked all my life. I made the suggestion to my skeptical mother, and even she liked it, so that's a win. So the wheels are turning on this point, but no decisions or actions yet, aside from having my social media as a writer under these names and initials. I'm trying to figure out how public I want to be that I'm trans - I've had to keep my bipolar disorder under wraps for years while working for the corporation, but now I want to be able to live and work on my own terms since I'm no longer there. Because I already know from the experiences about hiding and stigmas, and it takes a toll that I can't be open. Like it's some kind of shame, but it isn't. Anyway, that's a whole other essay. :)
And T... well, that would be down the road and would bear some thinking about, after I track down a therapist. I'd like it, long term, I think, but definitely not ready now.
Quote from: T.K.G.W. on July 10, 2016, 03:34:27 PM
Once you realize you pretty much have two choices.
Let it change who you are as a person
Or not.
I don't let it change who I "am". For that reason I don't worry too much about the obstacles ahead. For me it is not going to be a big or dramatic change in terms of how I am already treated or what I already do. For some people though it can be dramatic and it makes sense to approach it in a way that best fits your situation. If you want to think of yourself as evolving into something different you can do that. For me it's kind of anti-climactic. I'm not changing into someone new and exciting. I'm just doing the paperwork and making sure I don't attract the wrong kind of attention. If I allowed all the stuff people say transmen are supposed to do to get to me I'd be a nervous wreck.
Agreed that my core identity is the same. I'm still me. Same interests, values, etc.
There may be some changes ahead about how I'm treated, and my extended family (who I don't really have a relationship with anyway) won't accept it. Nor would my father, but he's been out of my life for many years now. The core people are still the same.
Professionally, things may change for me, at least short term. But this may give me the chance to do other things I've dreamed about, and have more freedom. My physical appearance will change some, but I'm still me. And I generally like myself as a person. I'm not used to having so much anxiety as I have lately, from the dysphoria that's been getting worse in the last couple months, as well as processing what all this could mean for me. It's been a high stress time for other reasons too, but taking it a day at a time. And I know I don't have to do anything before I'm ready. :)
Quote from: WarGrowlmon1990 on July 10, 2016, 03:36:59 PM
I came to terms with being a trans guy last August. It's been almost a year since then and all I've done so far is join this forum last month. I'm gonna be checking out an LGBTIQ+ resource center tomorrow, but I've been putting things off for too long. I think it's best to see a therapist sooner than later. The longer you wait, the harder it gets to deal with gender dysphoria, being misgendered, and all the issues that come with being trans.
The resource centre sounds great - good luck. :) Yes, this GD thing has taken me by surprise. I never felt comfortable in my skin, but now that I'm processing all this, it feels like I'm having an out of body experience, lol. And I've gotten inwardly pretty rage-y when being 'ma'am'ed and getting 'my lady' lately. Grr. I'm going to see if I can get into therapy sooner rather than later, because I agree it would help make sense of all this.
Quote from: arice on July 10, 2016, 09:42:49 PM
I am also in my late 30s and trying to navigate the whole "what do I do now that I've acknowledged I'm trans" thing. From your post, I expect we have a lot in common (I'm a biologist by training and used to work in forestry before I became a stay home parent). I also identify as a queer trans masculine person. I look forward to hearing from you again and maybe I'll even have more time to be on here soon.
Sent from my SM-G870W using Tapatalk
Yes, I imagine forestry is a lot like archaeology... there are good things and not-so-good things. It's really intriguing (and occasionally terrifying) to realise I'm a trans queer dude. It's exciting to acknowledge this inside me, and it makes so much sense, but then there's all the fears about being out, and what it all means and looks like to me. Hope to see you around here!
Quote from: BrittanyNicole on July 10, 2016, 10:34:51 PM
I was in a similar situation as yourself, I am a trans-woman but it wasn't until about 6 months ago that I finally realized that I was trans and only 3 months ago that I finally accepted the fact. Coming from a strict religious family transgender people were never viewed as "normal" people but rather as people who were mentally ill so I was never able to identify and accept who I was.
When I was in my teens I was never interested in typical "Male" activities, I didn't play sports or hang out with my cousins or friends or play with G.I. Joes. I was more interested in more feminine things such as playing dress up, ballet and other forms of dance. When I came out to my wife it was a huge step and a relief to know she would support me (she is doing it for the kids really but it is a start) during my transition, I have not come out to any other members of my family and still maintain my Male appearance until I am ready but I am relocating to another city with no family around I will finally be able to be my true self.
I can relate! It's really interesting here that we all have this time where we need to come to terms within ourselves (and with therapy/support groups/friends, etc) about first realising we're trans, then accepting it. And then comes all the stuff about how to pass if you present as male, binding, packing, T, etc, etc... And I've found much less about the struggle to make that realisation and process it, and accept it. It can be a lonely time. I have to say though, this thread has meant a great deal to me to see that we all have had this process at one point, or are in it, and so on.
I didn't come from a religious family, but even my open-minded Mom is having some problems here. I'm finding it's kind of like people's reaction to mental illness--they'll be supportive in a general way, but when it's affecting them or someone near them, people are more resistant. It's a fine 'theoretical' idea to accept depression as a thing, but my former partner wouldn't accept it in himself. And of course, being trans isn't a mental illness, but it's the same thing kind of reaction I'm finding - people who are very support of GLBTQ stuff have a harder time when it hits much nearer to home and aren't sure how to react, or react negatively. And I've only told three people close to me so far. People around me had a better reaction to me being a nongender conforming female--more accepted, less stigma.
I've got a quick update tonight. I checked in with the charity that has me on the waitlist for counselling. I'm now #2 instead of #10 on the list, excited. Can't wait to see what they say, but it's hopeful that I'll see someone pretty quick.
I also went to the thrift store and another shop and got a couple of things. Retail therapy. :) Pleased with my finds, a couple good vintage scores.
Quote from: Hughie on July 11, 2016, 10:18:39 PM
I've got a quick update tonight. I checked in with the charity that has me on the waitlist for counselling. I'm now #2 instead of #10 on the list, excited. Can't wait to see what they say, but it's hopeful that I'll see someone pretty quick.
I also went to the thrift store and another shop and got a couple of things. Retail therapy. :) Pleased with my finds, a couple good vintage scores.
Great to hear :)
So I was about to head out to the passport office today to renew my passport. I had the passport photos taken a couple months ago but have been busy and haven't gone, but really need to deal with this now. But I just about fell over when I looked at the pic today.
I know passport photos are generally terrible, but I couldn't stop staring at how dreadful the photo is and how this really doesn't look like me. I'm going to go try again today. Hair is still long at the moment, but back, and let's see if that pic's any better. Need to check also if people need to reapply for a new passport and full fees for a legal name change as I debate the 5 vs 10 year option.
When I got out of the service I ended up throwing my ID's + paperwork down a hole and burying it on my Gramps' Winter/Summer home in Rhinelander on an island. Never to be seen again, no regrets I don't look back too easily.
When you find out your trans you simply accept it + come to terms with who you are. If your GD is soo terrible as it is for most of us, HRT is the only thing I know that has helped close the gap. We're either greatly confused and it affects us to do the most simplest of tasks or we're a mix of disgusted and disappointing with who we are currently before transitioning. Some of the guys I know just simply stop at Top Surgery without undergoing HRT. And they're happy with that people consider them Guys with a few 'girly' features, but pass none the less. But for us ladies eh... It's hit or miss whether we wish to undergo HRT + many of us do.
Quote from: Hughie
I've got a quick update tonight. I checked in with the charity that has me on the waitlist for counselling. I'm now #2 instead of #10 on the list, excited. Can't wait to see what they say, but it's hopeful that I'll see someone pretty quick.
I also went to the thrift store and another shop and got a couple of things. Retail therapy. :) Pleased with my finds, a couple good vintage scores.
That's great news, and I'm glad your retail therapy is working!
QuoteI know passport photos are generally terrible, but I couldn't stop staring at how dreadful the photo is and how this really doesn't look like me.
Yeah, walk, don't run, and get a new one taken! I did mine right after my name change, and I actually
like the photo! I wish I had a copy of it -- I'd use it for other things!
Quote from: Hughie on July 12, 2016, 11:17:40 AM
So I was about to head out to the passport office today to renew my passport. I had the passport photos taken a couple months ago but have been busy and haven't gone, but really need to deal with this now. But I just about fell over when I looked at the pic today.
I know passport photos are generally terrible, but I couldn't stop staring at how dreadful the photo is and how this really doesn't look like me. I'm going to go try again today. Hair is still long at the moment, but back, and let's see if that pic's any better. Need to check also if people need to reapply for a new passport and full fees for a legal name change as I debate the 5 vs 10 year option.
I've put off taking my passport photo to renew my passport until a few weeks ago; even though I changed my name a year ago. I wanted to actually look like my true self in my pic. Before I hated how I looked now I'm ok with it and I'll actually be happy showing my ID. So if you can put it off a bit longer it's worth the wait and hassle.
Quote from: Raye on July 12, 2016, 11:43:30 AM
When I got out of the service I ended up throwing my ID's + paperwork down a hole and burying it on my Gramps' Winter/Summer home in Rhinelander on an island. Never to be seen again, no regrets I don't look back too easily.
When you find out your trans you simply accept it + come to terms with who you are. If your GD is soo terrible as it is for most of us, HRT is the only thing I know that has helped close the gap. We're either greatly confused and it affects us to do the most simplest of tasks or we're a mix of disgusted and disappointing with who we are currently before transitioning. Some of the guys I know just simply stop at Top Surgery without undergoing HRT. And they're happy with that people consider them Guys with a few 'girly' features, but pass none the less. But for us ladies eh... It's hit or miss whether we wish to undergo HRT + many of us do.
Ahaha, I love the idea of throwing all the ID down a hole, but alas. I am very good at digging holes and covering them back up again. :)
I'm doing much better with finally figuring out what was wrong. What it all means is a bit scary, but also exciting too. I feel so relieved, you know? And I do have the whole out-of-body thing going on lately, but now I know why. I'm cool with being a dude with girly features, but time will tell on that front, if and when I get to T-time.
Quote from: Tysilio on July 12, 2016, 11:52:32 AM
That's great news, and I'm glad your retail therapy is working!
Yeah, walk, don't run, and get a new one taken! I did mine right after my name change, and I actually like the photo! I wish I had a copy of it -- I'd use it for other things!
Oh retail therapy. Dangerous. I can't do that for a while now, but I scored a pair of gorgeous vintage oxblood Florsheim brogues (for $15!) that I'm way too excited about. I need to see if adding some insoles will help with fit - I have smaller feet. I do love the thrift store.
And I did go this morning to get another passport photo done, this time with hair back and all the fringe down. Since it's a passport photo, it's highly unflattering and yet a big improvement over the one from a couple months ago with super long hair, make-up etc. Even tho' it's dreadful, the new photo is less dreadful than the two month old one, so that's something.
I would LOVE to change my name, and I'm confident I will. I nearly did when I was 13 for various reasons. But now I've got the power, ha ha. But it's going to mean a whole lot of paperwork wrangling and I need a passport pretty quick. So I went for the five-year since they said they have do all the paperwork from scratch again to issue a passport with a new name.
Quote from: Elis on July 12, 2016, 02:48:13 PM
I've put off taking my passport photo to renew my passport until a few weeks ago; even though I changed my name a year ago. I wanted to actually look like my true self in my pic. Before I hated how I looked now I'm ok with it and I'll actually be happy showing my ID. So if you can put it off a bit longer it's worth the wait and hassle.
Unfortunately, I need the passport pretty quick for travel next month, and I'm too close to the expiry date, so I have to go ahead. Sorting out all the papers for name changes etc is going to be a project. For starters, I have no idea where my birth certificate is. And I need to look up all the rules. But I'm imagining that in a year or so, I would be able to change name, ID, etc, the works. Got to price this all out too. But then I'll get a new passport next year and I'll be in business. :) And then I'll do the ten-year.
Oh, and another bit of good news today: I have a counseling session tomorrow through the LGBTQ charity! They had a cancellation, so I'm in. It might be a bit of a wait after that, given that summer is a time that people are busy/away, but I'm just so relieved to talk to someone. Between the encouragement here and the promise of counseling, I'm in better spirits about everything. Also saw the psychiatrist today and he was happy to hear about the counseling and getting in so soon, and he was encouraging.
Quote from: Hughie on July 12, 2016, 05:51:03 PM
Ahaha, I love the idea of throwing all the ID down a hole, but alas. I am very good at digging holes and covering them back up again. :)
I'm doing much better with finally figuring out what was wrong. What it all means is a bit scary, but also exciting too. I feel so relieved, you know? And I do have the whole out-of-body thing going on lately, but now I know why. I'm cool with being a dude with girly features, but time will tell on that front, if and when I get to T-time.
Ahhahahaa if you can figure out which Rhinelander I'm talking about go for it. If it's any consolation I think your pretty passable for a Pre-HRT Man lol. Gawd you should see what I looked like Pre-HRT LOL. Although, the face is kinda being hidden so I can't be too sure, but the way you wear those glasses and that jacket man. You look like any guy I knew in HS playing Soccer + Track/Field.
Quote from: Raye on July 12, 2016, 07:20:14 PM
Ahhahahaa if you can figure out which Rhinelander I'm talking about go for it. If it's any consolation I think your pretty passable for a Pre-HRT Man lol. Gawd you should see what I looked like Pre-HRT LOL. Although, the face is kinda being hidden so I can't be too sure, but the way you wear those glasses and that jacket man. You look like any guy I knew in HS playing Soccer + Track/Field.
Your secret is safe with me. :)
Yeah, one of my favourite things is messing around with photos, so I've distorted it a bit, but that was me post-passport office today. I've got a less distorted version of this photo too. Too bad that's not my passport photo, lol. But it's a shame I have to wear so many layers in July, though. Summer has taken a vacation here. Although I would love to take a pic of me with a hair cut and in some vintage duds. Hair is tied back here, but I like the longer sideswept fringe. I'll do a mid-length men's cut when I work up the courage.
Quote from: Hughie on July 12, 2016, 08:20:51 PM
Your secret is safe with me. :)
Yeah, one of my favourite things is messing around with photos, so I've distorted it a bit, but that was me post-passport office today. I've got a less distorted version of this photo too. Too bad that's not my passport photo, lol. But it's a shame I have to wear so many layers in July, though. Summer has taken a vacation here. Although I would love to take a pic of me with a hair cut and in some vintage duds. Hair is tied back here, but I like the longer sideswept fringe. I'll do a mid-length men's cut when I work up the courage.
You seem like a guy who likes medium length hair. I would try a short hair style as well then grow it back out after getting on T. When I was a guy way before E I had extremely long hair and in some cases I think the hair that guys produce is just sexier because of the thickness. Than the fine hair women have, but that's just my personal opinion. I hadn't had my hair cut yet, but I find it very interesting feeling the difference in the lower portion of my hair. The lower parts are from Pre-HRT, but the hair nearest to the root is during HRT. And I can actually tell the difference between the two.
Quote from: Raye on July 12, 2016, 08:42:15 PM
You seem like a guy who likes medium length hair. I would try a short hair style as well then grow it back out after getting on T. When I was a guy way before E I had extremely long hair and in some cases I think the hair that guys produce is just sexier because of the thickness. Than the fine hair women have, but that's just my personal opinion. I hadn't had my hair cut yet, but I find it very interesting feeling the difference in the lower portion of my hair. The lower parts are from Pre-HRT, but the hair nearest to the root is during HRT. And I can actually tell the difference between the two.
I think I would need to do T before I could be so brave to cut my hair short. Actually, I did once, a loooong time ago. My hair was about an inch long. It was really, really not flattering on me, especially given my natural hair texture - unruly, frizzy. But it is thick. A bit of weight makes the hair settle down some, but I'd like to be able to have it both wavy and straight. Somehow for me, the hair thing is a major psychological thing. I've hidden behind my long hair for years (mid-back now, has been longer), so it'll be a big change for me as well as folks around me, so I don't think I could go from that to super short straight away. My biggest fear would be going bald. Yikes. I couldn't deal.
True would be something to cringe about! LOL
Hughie,
I am in a very similar situation to you, whereas I am just coming to terms and trying to figure out where I stand on the spectrum. I don't have advice obviously, but did click this thread to read the advice you were given. I just wanted to say hello, and was a bit relieved to see parallels between myself and someone else that is identifying as trans. I too do a lot of writing, always have, and most ALL of my characters that I write are or have been homosexual men. That started several years back, and has never really left me. It was one of the reasons I started questioning myself.
Good luck on your journey, I am very happy that you have come to realization of who you really are!
Quote from: Aclassi on July 13, 2016, 01:56:35 PM
Hughie,
I am in a very similar situation to you, whereas I am just coming to terms and trying to figure out where I stand on the spectrum. I don't have advice obviously, but did click this thread to read the advice you were given. I just wanted to say hello, and was a bit relieved to see parallels between myself and someone else that is identifying as trans. I too do a lot of writing, always have, and most ALL of my characters that I write are or have been homosexual men. That started several years back, and has never really left me. It was one of the reasons I started questioning myself.
Good luck on your journey, I am very happy that you have come to realization of who you really are!
Ahhh, cheers for your note! All I can say so far is that support from other trans folks here and the GLBTQ charity in my community have made a big difference for me so far in these early days, helping me feel like I'm not losing my mind and things will be ok in the end.
As for the writing, whew. I have many, many years of writing that I'm just.... stunned by and the realisation that I've identified with GLBTQ books for for well over twenty years now. Whew. Fascinating. My line this week is that the subconscious is far more clever the conscious mind. There's so many clues that I'm uncovering as I look over my past.
Hey everyone! Another update... I saw the counselor today for the first time through the GLBTQ charity. He was absolutely lovely, about my age and very compassionate. Perfect. And I get twelve one-hour sessions for free. I'm stunned. So, that's a session per week for eleven more weeks. Very excited and so glad this resource is available to me.
The fascinating part today, even though it was the first session and there was plenty of paperwork to do, we did get into talking about all sorts of stuff... and that I'm still somehow seeking approval from my mother, even though I'm pretty much 40 years old. And I thought I didn't care about most folks' opinions, but I suppose hers has been loudest of all in my life so far. And I do have a history of pleasing others, rather than doing what I want do for myself. I suppose that training got in there early as a kid. So fascinating.
Quote from: Hughie on July 11, 2016, 10:33:34 AM
Agreed that my core identity is the same. I'm still me. Same interests, values, etc.
There may be some changes ahead about how I'm treated, and my extended family (who I don't really have a relationship with anyway) won't accept it. Nor would my father, but he's been out of my life for many years now. The core people are still the same.
Professionally, things may change for me, at least short term. But this may give me the chance to do other things I've dreamed about, and have more freedom. My physical appearance will change some, but I'm still me. And I generally like myself as a person. I'm not used to having so much anxiety as I have lately, from the dysphoria that's been getting worse in the last couple months, as well as processing what all this could mean for me. It's been a high stress time for other reasons too, but taking it a day at a time. And I know I don't have to do anything before I'm ready. :)
Hopefully its main result will be a greater sense of freedom and ability to relax.
I find that until I am transitioned (not sure if it will change this for me but it hasn't changed otherwise in three decades) I feel like I'm in a straight-jacket. Just walking around outside there's an imperceptible pressure to hide myself from view with clothes or coats and to avoid people's eyes or presence... even to avoid many activities just because I don't feel comfortable with them in the context of a female body. I'm hoping that if something can be done to make that body less female, I won't have to walk stiffly around other people or avoid them so much and the mental cage door might be opened a little.
I feel more comfortable too when my body is hidden. Have been working on losing some weight the last few weeks, and getting into more exercise to help. Making some progress. The less curves, the better. Ordinarily I'm fairly slim. I do what I can to hid my stomach and chest with clothes... I hate the feeling of breasts, sleep even with a sports bra or something to hide them. I have for years. The weirdest part for me lately is the long hair, so I'm trying to work up the guts to cut it. Even though I don't like it. Strange, I know.
I've gotten really angry lately when people call me crap like 'my lady', 'you're very pretty' etc. Because I don't look how I want to look. And i don't want to be admired for looking like a female. I feel like I'm faking it. And that some folks are seeing me how they want to see me, rather than how I am. It's very uncomfortable.
I would love to present as male. I know that's what I want, but the worry is more about how people around me will react. Some would be fine, others I don't know.