Hello once again Susan's.
Its been about 6 years since I think i last posted here...
Things are strange in my life...
now 25 I still haven't transitioned.. but...on September 12 i have my first psych appointment to start transitioning.
My story so far has been that I put off transition due to family circumstances...unaccepting parents and what not.
had a kid hoping it would somehow rewire my brain to being female...blame an abusive narcissistic mother for that one.
Got married...had my son Vlad, he is 3 now.. I've never been able to bond with him on any emotional level because after he was born my depression turned me into a zombie.
Current circumstances are... Me and husband are divorcing. I get to take my son. move out in a few months and start transitioning.
I've already sent the husband into a depression due to the fact I have morbid jealousy when it comes to females in his life.
Basically his parents took it rather well and the mother-in-law has a co worker who has transitioned.
my own parents i intend to eliminate from my life as they will be constantly abusive of myself and may even try for custody of the son because they will see me having bipolar as well as the gender issues as a case of needing to be locked up and given medicine to fix me.
In their world its like some mortal sin to have mental illness of any kind...
anyway...just dropped in after all these years to say somethings finally going right.
Plus I'm now more mature about the whole situation.
although being patient is killing me.
Hi Ray and welcome to Susan's. Congrats on having an appointment set up. Sorry to hear your divorcing. We have something in common my family circumstances were part of my this transition started as late as it did. I look forward to seeing you around the forums. Good luck and Hugs
Mariah
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My mother is a narcissist. I had to cut her off or I would never have my own life. I probably would have attempted suicide if I'd stayed around her.
I support you cutting off your parents 100%.
So sad for you that you can't enjoy your child and have that relationship due to depression. Keep working on yourself. It can and does get better with depression, but it's a journey, it takes time and constantly trying new things to get your brain out of its old rut. Brains like habits, bad habits are best. Bad mental habits = depression.
It's so interesting to me how many trans people have a narcissist in their life somewhere. I highly recommend googling "raisedbynarcissists" and checking out the sub->-bleeped-<-. There have been a smattering of trans-related posts in the past, and I'm sure you could unearth some good stuff about potential custody issues.
Congrats on starting to move forward with your transition. Keep us updated with how everything goes for you!
Lots of people have narcissistic parents and often the siblings will differ as to whether they perceive the parent to be abusive or narcissistic (depending on how they personally were treated). But nothing really brings out the narcissism like being and coming out as trans. Even a parent who is not highly narcissistic (eg NPD or SPD) may display a lot of narcissism in the face of that. They may in a sense developmentally regress because they haven't had a cogent thought about gender since they were two years old themselves.
ETA: my mother's a piece of work, though. All the siblings are agreed on that.
Thankyou everyone.
so far attempts at moving out are going slow. Will be buying a binder from next payment. After having the son I gained 50kgs that I intend to lose asap.
have an old stp hidden away somewhere which is great. The local adult shop sells a packer for pretty okay price.If not theres always ebay.
I know some people prefer the pricyer ones but with me for now iit's whatver I can get away with on a budget.
Kind of kicking myself that I spent the 25k I had saved up in the last few years. But on the plus side. I have all the essentials for living out of home plus 3k saved up to get my savings back on track. Having a car is good. Now just need to pass the driving test..
so far im bookmarking all things I need marking out prices seeing if they have paypal..all that jazz.
second hand stores will be a blessing when I start getting my full wardrobe and start binding properly. Not much works on a 20Dd Chest thats breastfed for 2 years.
Generally will see how I go. Cheers Ray
Well I bought 2 binders from G2 you all know the place im on about. Paid about 100$ Australian all up with shipping. Lost 7kgs. And gained a bit of muscle. Hoping to lose a bit more. The husband/ x tried to blackmail me using his mental health not to transition. Basically saying..I will get treatment for my depression stop drinking and be a good father if you don't do this transition and we can be a family.
I told him to shove it.
I'm over his stupidity..hes 21 but acting like he has and not being at all mature about all this has honestly made me want to get out of the house faster and not save up the 1k to be nice to him so he won't need to buy second hand fridge n washing machine.
with the anger in the house from him I am constantly uptight but channelling all that rage at him being an idiot into weights. Results are coming along nicely...so can't say its not motivational.
Good to know youre finally starting to move forward against all odds, One thing I admire in anyone is the desire to change
...I cant help but notice your life holds host a collection of issues that transitioning on its own will not change. One thing I have to keep in mind myself is to not be too bitter and angry all the time, and try to come at a peaceful angle, Im not even all there yet so its difficult. You sound like theres going to be a lot of crossfire between husband and parents.Try to work with your husband and be calm and level headed. I feel bad for your son as well...who's likely caught in the crossfire in all of this, if there's anyone who deserves love and will come to terms and understand you, its him, so keep that in mind and do your best to care for your child.
Otherwise, its going to be a lot of hurt in the process, but youre going to have to settle all this and hope that becoming the man that you are will elucidate some things.
Wishing you the best
Well after weeks of waiting. My binders arrived. I got a xl tank binder from gc2b and a full tank in large for when I lose weight. Thr xl tank flattens perfectly. Just rolls up at the back but a lose shirt hides it. When I put it on I teared up. And I'm not normally one to be too emotional. But yeah..happy results. Aslo saved a bit of money by taking all the clothes the x partner was going to donate. So I have pants shirts n underwear free of charge. Now just need nee shoes and to sort out the living arrangements and t and I will be good to fully move into transitioning with little issue. 4k saved up for chest op..still need to reseach australian drs and costs and stuff more in depth. Next update will probably be after the 12th after my psychology appointment. I also keep posting here to keep the threads clean of my updates. Lol take care all. Best of luck with everyones own journeys. Peace
Well that shatters my image of australia, I would have thought you have universal health care.
Sounds like you have a plan and are sticking to it.
I think things will be better for your child and everyone in your life when you are being your best self. Glad the binder worked for you.
Opinions on packers differ but I had a realistic style one since forever yet I am a convert to packing with a sock. I live in a hot climate and it is so much more practical. I can pack almost every day that way. Some days it's more comfortable than not packing because it reduces chafing and such.
You will be pretty excited about hormones. If you think you are getting results with the weights now. ;D
It has been a shocking few weeks. got a department house. then centerlink ended up being my downfall because the x hadn't signed all the documents in time. now forced to wait 28 days til the paperwork gets processed.
Massive fights with the x, his family are now saying that I will never be a true man. that I'm running away from a family life and destroying a normal family unit in favor of avoidance and mutilation. that i am doing this for attention seeking...that the whole transition thing is a cry for attention. because more attention is being paid to my son rather than me.
they are saying that the surgery is mutilation. that has pissed me off so badly.
my choices where my own. yes i had used the x to get out of my parents house because I couldn't have worked for more than that year with the dysphoria at the time and the depression.
yes I messed up his life and brought a kid into it hoping that it would have made these thoughts of being a male go away...but it didn't work... now i'm basically trying to fix my screw ups and get out of a relationship that has turned toxic and negatively impacting both my mental health and the x's.
He threatened suicide again and cut himself again...its like i can see what you are doing to try and stop me from my decision and its not going to work. i'm not going to give the x sympathy when he is blaming me for every issue in the failed relationship and my fear of him during said relationship.
when i had asked him in the past about transition his response was don't bring it up again, and if you do i will punch you in the face...and he somehow now expected me to talk with him when the issue came up instead of shutting up about it...yeah threats of violence are such a great way of getting someone to openly talk to you about something...
Basically...all round I am very irritated at the x...and his constant jabs are making me feel rather aggressive. so it hasn't gotten to full blown fist fights yet. but broken stuff in the house and knives in hands really are not a good idea when there is a 3 year old running around...his drinking is worse.
Each word out of his mouth is an insult or some attempt to start another fight....i'm packing my stuff and waiting out the last 20 or so days now...
Then I'm free.
On a positive note...few days before my first psychologist appointment...yay. will keep you all updated... excuse the slight rant..
Sorry to hear about your mother and congrats on your appointment; best of luck
Wow.
That is terrible. As you mentioned, we all have a part in how a relationship works or doesn't. However, it seems you have given him plenty of previous opportunities. Your safety is most important.
You might need to call the police if he continues after you leave.
So sorry this is happening to you. Your appointment is a great step.
Good luck.
With warmth,
Joanna
Quote from: xchrisx on September 08, 2016, 07:27:29 AM
Sorry to hear about your mother and congrats on your appointment; best of luck
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Once again, welcome to Susan's. Look around, ask questions and join in.
With warmth,
Joanna
That sounds scary. I hope the situation doesn't blow up! Your ex is young ands sounds very immature emotionally. Someday he will realize it's not actually all about him. Until then, he really does think the world revolves around him and you're transitioning just to try him!
Just tune out your ex's family. They have no idea what they're talking about. Removing gynecomastia is not mutilation any more than removing an appendix.
You are right--trans feelings do not go away. You are doing the right thing.
Thank you!
Well my appointment yesterday went great. since i went to see the dr i had been seeing about 5 years ago..he bascially said...yep i work with a lot of trans people...so zero issues with having you transition...next appointment is in a month...so now my goal is to get into the best shape of my life pre t...yay... finally a win for me...woohoo
Well it has been a busy few weeks..
this Friday I am moving out to my own place.. So massive win.
have my second appointment with the Psychologist in 2 weeks...Win.
got given a work out bench free...another win.
Plateaued in my weight loss but still sort of building muscle despite high protein diet and swimming...uncertain if this is a win or not..
had to take money out of my savings because my finances seem to be messed up by centerlink aggravating loss..
Generally..ups and downs..
and a lot of work in store for me still. now to pack and move...will let you all know how things go probably after the 19th..take care everyone.
Good luck with that. Sounds like you are on the right path. You could be getting stuck on weight loss for a couple of reasons. One is lack of good sleep because you have so many things going on. Another is that you may have to drop your calorie intake since calorie restriction is progressive, now that you weigh less, you need less. So I would consider that carefully. If you are trying to build muscle and that is your goal you may have to cool it on the weight loss for now even though you lost weight initially just being more active. Just some thoughts.
Well I have officially moved out.
My next appointment is on the 19th. So hopefully only a few more til I get onto the psychiatrist.
my stress levels are down amd I've dropped another 3kg in a few days with all the unpacking and running up n down stairs. So hopefully in the next week I will drop another 5kg at this rate. I have my son enrolled for daycare one day a week so i will get a day at the gym. Still working on getting my lisence.
So walking the 7km to appointments amd into town for things will get me pretty trim fast.
So far things are going very well.
once again thanks for all the support you have all offered. Its much appreciated.
I will probably do a status update when I am officially on T. Until then everyone keep well and stay safe.
It's wonderful to see your moving forward with things now. Congrats on the weight loss too. Always know we are here for you and can't wait for your next update. Hugs
Mariah