About twenty years ago I stopped thinking about myself as being female. I did not know that is what I was feeling at the time,
what it was, what it meant. I never thought to myself, "I'm a girl". It was the way I looked at things, it was how I treated
others, it was how I felt about my body, it was the way my brain worked. I was on my own, no internet, no books, no doctors,
no one like me to talk to. I summed it up as just part of growing up. I thought every boy had wild emotions, hated body hair,
hated his masculine body and face and longed to grow boobies. I assumed every young boy went through a stage
like that and I just put it away.
About ten years ago I realized that what I was felt as a child and as an early teen was different than
"the norm" and it was getting harder to keep it inside. About five years ago I realized what it might be. About a year ago
I accepted it somewhat and chose not to do anything. But the feelings got stronger and when I registered here about a
month ago I was still unsure, maybe still in denial but desperately looking for answers.
Over the past month I've done a lot of thinking, a lot of searching, a lot of reading and a lot of introspection.
I've had a lot of sadness, a lot of happiness and I've remembered things that I I had pushed way down since my childhood.
I've realized things about myself, my personality and my life that I had never thought about. I realized I've not played the
part of being "a man" very well. I thought I did at the time and up until last month really believed that. But now
I see just how "female" I am and it feels so good.
It feels good because I realized this is not a big change from out of nowhere, Amanda has been in there, guiding me
all these years. My brain is female and always has been. I feel an enormous pull to let myself be me and at the
same time a feeling of freedom that is euphoric. I guess my name says it all, I'm no longer maybe_amanda since I now
feel that I've always been Amanda.
This forum helped me realize that even later in life it's not too late or even un-common to be
coming to terms with GID. I've taken some baby steps to move forward and I think the last part
of my life will be so much better for it.
I'm sure I've said some stupid things and I'm sure I hurt some feelings. I'm so sorry if I did.
I sincerely thank everybody for their direct input to my very stupid questions. I'll try
to do better. I'm so looking forward to being here and sharing the process.
While I'm still not sure where I go from here, I do know that I've not been happier about my future. :)
(Always) Amanda
Oh damn... this gets to me. I really relate to this, honestly.
It was the same for me. Before puberty, I was very much a girl. My reactions to romantic concepts and other things were very, very girlish. It's amazing how we forget this so quickly when we're forced to socialize and "fit in". I've always been a very strong-willed woman, though. I rattled the cage quite a bit. ::)
So I was always there. Just took me a while to wear "him" out, and get my chance to break free. Once I did, I was disoriented and confused. I was having trouble finding myself. Then I remembered those days of my childhood. Fantasizing about being a grown woman with a family, remembering that warm feeling in my chest, remembering my preoccupation with feminine beauty and countless other things. It all just swam back to me in waves, and every restored memory helped me re-discover myself.
It was almost like recovering from amnesia. There is nothing quite like searching for yourself.
Your post makes me very happy. I'm glad we share similar sentiments on the experience.
~ BB
Hello Amanda and welcome to Susan's!
Thanks very much for your introduction. Please take a few moments to get familiar with all the boards of the site, review the site rules (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,2.0.html)before posting, and take advantage of our many resources such as the wiki (http://susans.org/wiki/Main_Page), chat (https://www.susans.org/chat/index.html), and the links listed at the main page. (https://www.susans.org/index.html) We look forward to your future posts and participation. Enjoy your stay :)
tink :icon_chick:
Hi, AlwaysAmanda,
Welcome back again, but then people seem to be quite transient on this board.
I like many of the people here, but I know better than to let myself get close and vulnerable to getting hurt when they leave. Some people say that spending to much time on these boards is like living in a fictitious life.
I believe that on this board there are many folks with their strengths and weaknesses and their widely-varied characteristics and personalities, each unique unto themselves. So they are real people. The sad part for me is that I have seen too many other boards die and not feel as lonely and down about it.
I am aware that each of the posts I read are from very real people somewhere out there. I treat all like the people they are and I respect, care for, and support them and, of course, just to share with them.
Ya, I remember you as Maybe Amanda. What I don't remember is you being offensive to others. But then I don't read all the threads, there just are not enough hours in a day for that.
Cindy
Quote from Always_Amanda
QuoteIt feels good because I realized this is not a big change from out of nowhere, Amanda has been in there, guiding me
all these years. My brain is female and always has been. I feel an enormous pull to let myself be me and at the
same time a feeling of freedom that is euphoric. I guess my name says it all, I'm no longer maybe_amanda since I now
feel that I've always been Amanda.
This forum helped me realize that even later in life it's not too late or even un-common to be
coming to terms with GID. I've taken some baby steps to move forward and I think the last part
of my life will be so much better for it.
I'm sure I've said some stupid things and I'm sure I hurt some feelings. I'm so sorry if I did.
I sincerely thank everybody for their direct input to my very stupid questions. I'll try
to do better. I'm so looking forward to being here and sharing the process.
While I'm still not sure where I go from here, I do know that I've not been happier about my future. Smiley
(Always) Amanda
Hi, Amanda,
Congratulations on having sorted-out what can be life's most perplexing puzzle, the basics of who you are. Now that you have embraced the woman who has always been within you, hold her close and be the best "her" that you can be.
I don't recall your ever having said anything here that I found to be hurtful. Now that you've loosened that load you can continue to move on.
It is liberating to know who you are, embrace her, love her, and nurture her. There may well be some rough spots on your journey but there also will be good times. Try to stay steady and don't let the highs and lows confuse you.
Wishing you smooth flying,
Wing Walker
It's amazing how many paths we take to find our truth, sometimes when we don't even want to admit our truth.
Congratulations, Amanda. It sounds as if you are heading down your own path in this journey we call life.
Robyn