I'm a 60 year old mtf transgender and I'm still stuck in the closet. My story started when I was young sneaking my mother's clothes. I've always felt more female than male. No one knew. My love of pantyhose started when my mother gave me a pair to wear for warmth under ski pants in the '70's. I hid my feelings down deep on my soul and tried to be the Man I was supposed to be. I married, had three kids, and took a career as a firefighter. On occasion my wife would get turned on and allow me to wear her lingerie during sex. Back then there was no internet and crossdressing was a mental illness. I kept my feelings suppressed and my wife passed away from stomach cancer after 18 years of marriage. I was free to dress and had her whole wardrobe. The kids were not old enough to be on there own and all of the responsibilities were now on me. After four years i met a woman that I started dating and i told her of my feelings of wanting to be a woman. She was supportive and encouraging. I went to a counselor and an endocrinologist and was diagnosed as gender identity disorder and given hrt. I became more and more depressed as the woman I was dating was an alcoholic and we broke up.
I decided to tell two of my kids of my plans. But that backfired and now none of my kids talk to me. I had told my older brother and he said he would never talk to me again if I went forward with my p!ans. I couldn't come out at work and I was stuck in the closet.
I met another woman and fell in love but never told her. I thought that getting married again the feelings would go away. We got married, and she has four beautiful girls. I was constantly envious with all the girls in the house. My wife has made numerous comments about transgender people and how sick they are, so I knew I would never be able to change her mind. I have RLS (Restless Leg Syndrome) and read that support pantyhose can help. So I tried a pair of my wife's (she can't stand even the thought of them on her legs but she had a few pairs stashed away if she really needed to get dressed up) and I found that they helped and my legs weren't as tired on long dog walks. She became tolerant of my wearing and asked a doctor friend, that specializes in leg veins, if I should wear and he said by all means! She is now supportive of my wearing. I told her that I thought panties would be more comfortable under the pantyhose and she agreed. I now wear panties everyday. Over the last few years my gender dysphoria has gotten worse. Since I can't come out as transgender I have been looking for ways to ease the dysphoria. I was able to retire from the fire department and I have found that shaving all my body hair, except my arms, wearing panties and pantyhose helped. I also found that tucking really helps. I was also able to convince my wife that wearing a skirt would be cooler on my crotch in the summer and additional support of leggings and warmth in the winter if worn with my pantyhose.
This is where I'm at now. I'm still stuck in the closet. My wife once asked me after I was putting on my pantyhose and tucking if I wanted to be a girl? I said what's wrong with being a girl, and she couldn't come up with an answer. That's the only time I've ever given her a hint. Not sure if she knows and just not letting on that she knows.
I'm not sure how others Cope with their dysphoria and suggestions would helpful. All I think about now is that I want to be a woman. I cant come out because of all the damage it would cause the kids and grandkids. So I'll keep it hidden until I die and everyone will think what a wonderful GUY he was.i also had to get this out and tell someone before I blew up.
And such is life. I am 53. I came out to my wife a little over a year ago. She is supportive and we are staying together, but she does not want anyone else to know. I came out to my sister when she came for a visit, and she was supportive, but said her husband probably would not be and she was not going to tell him. So I was not able to freely express for the week that my sister and my nieces stayed in my house, for fear of my nieces saying something when they got home. (My brother in law stayed home for that trip).
And I am in a support group and I get to be Carly for four or five hours once a week with them. That is everyone that I am out to.
My kids from my first marriage don't talk to me, except for one ex stepdaughter who texts me every so often when she needs help with something. So I won't be coming out to them. My parents are in their eighties and suffering from dementia, so no need for them to know either.
As far as the rest of the world, whatever. Going on hormones was a medical decision for me. I did it to save my sanity, and that is how I characterize it if anyone asks. I don't look feminine enough to be asked about it yet, so I am just going to keep taking my hormones and take things one day at a time.
My advice to you would be to 1) See if your wife can live with a DADT (Don't Ask Don't Tell) relationship, or with you being out to her and no one else in the family; 2) join a support group so that you can be a woman and be accepted as one at least once every so often, and 3) to go on low dose hormones to deal with the dysphoria, or full dose if you think your wife won't be affected too much by the changes to your body.
But if you approach your wife again, couch things in medical terms. Transgenders are not sick, but it is a medical condition.
So much of your story sounds familiar. Cross-dressing as a kid and again as an adult, trying to be a man, thinking that marriage would make it all go away. Even our ages are similar: I am 61.
It is often said that the only thing that makes the dysphoria go away is to transition, wholly or in part. Certainly, that is the case with me: making progress towards transition makes it better.
I am not going to tell you to come out to your wife. She probably suspects, what with all the clues you have given her, but she may be holding onto her denial. She may react negatively to having it taken away from her. Or she may be relieved to get it out in the open. It is going to be a tough call, that only you can make.
Some kind of partial transition, such as Carly suggested, may work.
Good luck with whatever you decide.
Hey Tina
Welcome to Susan's :) Great to have you here - looking forward to seeing you around the forum.
Speaking your truth here might be the biggest, bravest, first step to really discovering yourself. Don't despair! Lots of so-called "late starters" here at Susan's!
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Cheers
Grace
No time is too late, I think perhaps you need a different perspective. Instead of thinking about it as transition and all the steps that go with it, think of it as allowing yourself to just be yourself. Whatever that constitutes is up to you, but give yourself some freedom at least one day a week to either go to counseling or just at home in clothes you are comfortable in.
The trappings of femininity don't have to be the be all and end all when it comes to being MtF. Finding what you need to be happy is important, and coming out to your extended family won't ruin their lives. It may change how they see you and ruin relationships, but that's only if they can't get past it.
The first hurdle you have is to accept yourself. Once you do, others can follow suit of you let them in. Your wife may come around in time, or not. So much is up in the air and theoretical that it's hard to see a path to take because you don't have any momentum behind you to keep you moving forward. If you can find a way to take even a small step in the direction of your choosing, you may find it easier to keep going.
Hugs,
- Katie
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Quote from: Obfuskatie on August 02, 2016, 09:49:03 PM
The first hurdle you have is to accept yourself.
Thank you Katie. I, too, am grappling with some of the same thoughts. At 64, Laura just emerged three weeks ago and while she, I, am very happy, I struggle knowing that so many obstacles lay ahead.
Knowing i have a community here helps.
Laura
Right on, everyone!
This could be my story as well.
I am in my '60's, married to the same woman for over 40 very happy years.
I came out to her fully several years ago. First she freaked out but linked all the very many clues I left throughout the happy marital decades. Then she came to a form of acceptance, which lasted for perhaps a year until she seemed to have had some outside counseling, both professional and her own group of business cohort confidants. The acceptance ended, and we seem to be back in a Don't Ask Don't tell scenario until one of us passes away. I have mentioned in other posts that her family genetics seem all to indicate that her '70's could be her final years. I am nearly there myself, and my family history is such that all of my relevant ancestors indicate I must prepare for funding a retirement until I am 100 years old. I don't mean to sound morbid, but I promise myself that if my wife passes away in her early seventies as genetics predict, I will IMMEDIATELY fully transition. I want to die with the laws of my state and the United States that fully defining me as female. If it takes that long, so be it.
Meanwhile, my wife offers me opportunities for Don't Ask Don't Tell vacations away from her with her love and wink wink.
She still fondles my man-boobs in our most intimate marital moments as if she knows I enjoy it and as if she also appreciates a good feel.
I continue to love being Donna whenever I get the opportunity.
I love my wife dearly, and would not ever want to do anything to jeopardize our relationship, even though so much of our relationship is defined by her very old standards of what marital life is.
Oh, well. I know who I am. I am Donna for life.
Wow we are all close in age and struggling with the same issues. We should keep this thread going.
I'm into positive attitudes and to have peace in my lifetime . It's your life and your decision. Yes, we are the older set, but be positive and follow your dreams. I did.. .
I'm 68 years old and had my FFS, GRS and BA done at one go in January this year. I have 4 children from 4 years to 32 years old. I've fufilled my obligations and it was my time.
My life had no depression, migraines and I was an outstanding male. But I have always been a transgender...and proud to be who I am.
It's never too late ...and HRT is a youth elixir ...I look over 30 years younger. I'm healthy and love life..and now living my dream and have found peace in this lifetime.
Don't worry about age...look at me...its NEVER TOO LATE
Quote from: lauraelliott1951 on August 02, 2016, 10:18:58 PM
Thank you Katie. I, too, am grappling with some of the same thoughts. At 64, Laura just emerged three weeks ago and while she, I, am very happy, I struggle knowing that so many obstacles lay ahead.
Knowing i have a community here helps.
Laura
You're welcome ;)
I think a lot of us fall into the same trap of trying to keep everyone happy, instead of accepting their agency. Our being trans and out won't change how much others matter to us. It's not exactly fair to assume they will reject us because of our trans-ness, and hide who we are because of it.
As we age and find our own independence, we gain the freedom and agency a lot of younger trans people don't have while living with their parents. Yes bad things can still happen to us, but the stakes aren't as high when we can determine our own futures and cut ties with people with outdated opinions about the LGBT community.
At 29, getting close to 4 years ago, I decided I wouldn't let another year go by and started my own transition. It was terrifying, but so worth it. Coming out as trans took me a little over 2 years to slowly peel that bandaid off. I wasn't good at hiding it, and it was slowly killing me to live as and be known as a man. I think I finally realized that even if I had died right then, no one would know me, they'd only know a shadow of who I am. Thankfully, that isn't the case anymore.
Hugs,
- Katie
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
If you have told someone at anytime who you are, are you stuck in the closet.
For me, if you have told any person at all you are breaking free and are not "in the closet".
When I came out it was to my wife and I cannot see me coming out again unless it is to change my direction in where I need to head.
Declaring your real you to anyone takes great strength and courage.
You are only stuck if you have never had anyone to turn to.
So Tina, I think you have been lucky to have been able to express who you are.
I hope you can build on the foundations you have started and can come to a peace with yourself as to where you are.
Cheers Sue.
Hi Tina,
Yes, there are a lot of us here. I am 57, mtf and in the closet all my life. I am married for over 30 years to a wonderful woman. I love her dearly but i know she would be devastated if she knew. Coming out for me would utterly change her life, our marriage, the lives of our children, friends, career, social circles..........the list goes on. It may sound bleak but it is not. I live happily. I am Ciara. I am a kind, loving, beautiful woman who unfortunately lives as a man. I made choices throughout my life and here I am. Such is life!!
When I was young in Ireland, there were no choices for transgender girls. Thankfully young girls now do have choices. I would dearly love to come out and transition. I would live happily as the woman i am for the rest of my life and everyone would know Ciara. However, the cost would be too high.
I am happy to live with my choices and decisions, but I also accept that they are not for everyone. You must make your own choices and live your life.
I wish you happiness and send you many hugs.
Ciara.
There is a line in Julian Fellowes' novel Snobs which says (to the best of my recollection), "There is nothing worse than trying to live intimately with a keeper of secrets." I have no reason to think that Lord Fellowes has any special insights about marriage, but I do think there is some truth in what he wrote. However, I am a mere observer not a participant so I would write off virtually anything I write on the topic of marriage or relationships as likely to be of complete nonsense.
Having said all of that, I would urge you, perhaps with the assistance of a professional counselor, to try to share with your wife in digestible bites the inner turmoil you are experiencing. I suppose what I trying to say is that it might be time to invite your wife into your closet. You may still be stuck in the closet but you will no longer be alone. Your circumstances may not change, but the burden you are carrying may be eased.
Again I would repeat, "I know nothing about such things." Hence the suggestion of seeking professional help.
A concerned but largely ignorant fellow closet-dweller.
Thank you all for all your kind words, Positive comments and encouraging advice. Sorry it has taken so long to write again. I didn't think I would generate this much of a response.
My original post perhaps was not detailed as much as it could have been. I am still in the closet as will stay in the closet in fear of destroying the lives of my entire family. Many have said here that I should come out to my wife. I will attempt to explain my feeling by starting with a little of my history.
I started out like most TG people. How I would ditch school in order to stay home alone and dress up in my mothers clothes. I think My GID started at a young age because I was envious of all the girls clothes, hair styles, smells, shoes and pantyhose. I wanted all of that too. But because I was a boy, all of that was taboo. I was being sent mixed signals. My mother would say that (when my hair would get long) that I was supposed to be a girl, and I had wonderful curls. When I wanted a sleek look while I was snow skiing in high school and bulky long underwear wouldn't do, My mother gave me a pair of her pantyhose to keep me warm. But when she suspected my wearing her clothes she became unglued and told me how disgusting and sick I was.
I married and started a career as a firefighter, had three children in hopes that I wouldn't be disgusting and sick anymore and hopefully rid myself of these nasty thoughts/feelings. It didn't work!! I would dress up in my wife's clothes while she was at work. We hosted a Halloween party and I was a hooker and she was my Pimp. The preparations for the party led me to tell her that dressing up turned me on, but she blew it off. During the party the women were constantly feeling and looking up my skirt and groping my tits. My wife admitted that she had always had a fantasy of being with another girl. I thought I had died and gone to heaven. It was short lived because when I tried to start something after everyone left, I was chastised again and told how disgusting, sick and twisted I was. I tired a couple more times during the marriage knowing of her fantasy and was met with similar results. So I once again buried it. After she died I had a whole wardrobe but very little time trying to take care of the three kids myself. So I would dress when I could. I sought a counselor to help with my depression and my dressing and was told that I was transgender/GID and was put on HRT and testosterone blockers. I started to grow breasts and was on the HRT for six months when I met and started dating the woman that became my wife. She has 4 beautiful daughters and we became one big family. Bought a big house and everything in the family was going great. I was too busy to think about dressing, and my sex life was great, so I stopped all the treatment before "she would find out!" I couldn't fit in her clothes because she is so small. I was getting more and more anxious about my gender feelings, and one evening she asked me to put on her panties. Which I did and that's when I realized that I would try to see how far I could take this. I told her that they felt wonderful and that they were a lot more comfortable than the Fruit-of-the-looms I wore. I kept saying how comfortable they were and how nice they felt. So we set out to Victoria's Secret and bought me my own panties. She said that I should wear them all the time. So except for when I was at the fire station I wore panties and loved it.
I was reading on the internet one day about Restless Leg Syndrome and saw that Pantyhose could help ease the symptoms. I suggested to my wife that I wanted to try the pantyhose and see if they would help me. She said I should take the medications, but I said I didn't want all the side affects. She gave me a pair of her pantyhose. She said I could have them because she hates to wear them. About the same time we got a dog and thus took daily walks. The compression took care of the RLS and I told her that my legs didn't feel as tired/heavy when I wore the pantyhose. She said I should wear them while on the walks. I told her that, after further investigation on the internet, that they would only help if I wore them all the time. We had a few "go rounds" and she finally said that pantyhose was not going to ruin her marriage and agreed to my wearing. Now I only get the occasional comment like "EWW pantyhose!" or "I don't know how you can wear those disgusting things". She will not touch my legs when I'm wearing my stockings. I also found that a possible cause of hair loss in men is when testosterone converts to "Bad Testosterone" it kills off the follicle. The conversion to bad testosterone happens when there is not enough progesterone to keep the estrogen (that is in so many products) in check. The male can become "estrogen dependent" and thus all the bad things can happen (like prostrate cancer) with all the bad testosterone in the body. (I'm not a doctor and don't claim any of this to be completely accurate but google progesterone in men and see for yourself.) I started using progesterone cream and my wife couldn't understand.
I showed her the web sites and how it helped protect against prostate cancer, helped with hair loss and generaly gave calming effect. I think she feels that it is Ok now but I don't think she realizes I'm doing it to help ease my Gender Dysphoria.
A couple of summers ago I told her that on hot days it makes more sense for a guy to wear a skirt. She thought it was odd but we bought one at a thrift store. We talked to a doctor friend that specializes in vein problems about my RLS and tired feeling and he advised that I should wear the pantyhose all the time. That confirmed it and now tells me that I should have my stockings on!!
I told her once after I smashed my testicals while crossing my legs that I hated having them. I also hated having all this "stuff" hanging "down there". I pushed them up and pulled my penis back to hold them in place and found that I could cross my legs and not smash my "Nuts". I looked it up and found that "Tucking" could also ease Gender Dysphoria. I tucked and it immediately gave me a calming feeling by not having this ugly bulge in my panties and Pantyhose. My wife saw this and went off on me telling me how sick and disgusting I was and that I needed to see a shrink. She asked me if I wanted to be a girl and I said yes, whats wrong with being a girl, She said that she married a man and she would be gone if I became a girl.
When news stories came out about transgender people she went nuts at how deranged these people are.
So here I am today and it is why I still feel that I am stuck in the closet. It would be nice to have a wife that is understanding and compassionate allowing me some relief. I do not want to destroy my marriage, my relationship with her kids and their familys that I have built over the last few years. The wo of my children that I told many years ago that I was TG do not talk to me and have no relationship at all with my family. I do not want to destroy the relationships with my five grandchildren. I couldn't ruin my relationship with my brother. He told me when I came out to him that if I became a "Sit to piss" he would never talk to me again.
So I will continue as I have been. Supressing my feelings for the good of the rest. I can't seek a therapist because that would be seen right away and would start a war again. I would have a hard time hiding HRT form her if I sought ot medical treatment. She carries the insurance. I cannot see myself losing everything, being happy because starting my transition, alone and taking so long I don't see the benefit. Living alone, with no money, destroying so many lives, just so I can be something that everyone shuns isn't worth it. Everyday for the past 50 some years I have prayed to the almight God to change me into a woman. Maybe onday he will listen.
Once again, Thank you for all your thoughts.
Tina
I'm so sorry :/
I just want to say that it's never too late to transition. It's never too late to be yourself. You have the choice between being miserable or being yourself for the first time and finding true happiness.
Reading these posts makes me sad that so many of my sisters in the Western world face such prejudices....yet the West continue to claim that this is where people are all equal more than anywhere.
I have total acceptance and the very few that cannot accept are irralevant. I am truly blessed to have my family, friends and public support in Asia.
You have time ....people slowly change. My only advice is stay healthy and eat well so that your can layer still have your dreams come true.
My suggestion: get to a gender therapist and Real Life support group as fast as your pretty feet can carry you no matter how far away. All your sisters are here to help you and to support you. IMO it's best to come out of the closet early and often. And since you are already retired you don't have to even worry about being fired anymore. That's a luxury many trans women do not have because it's still legal to fire us just for being ourselves. If your wife thinks trans people are "sick and disgusting" why would you even want to stay with someone like that? I'm sorry but I think that's abuse. Also, why would you want to close the door of your heart to your closest loved ones and family who do not know the real you? There's no shame. Give them the chance to honestly accept you or reject you. It's their choice at that point. But as least they will know you and you won't be invisible any longer. You matter. You only have one chance to get this life right. Be the woman you were always meant to be. Start a new life where you can be a role model for all the other trans woman our age who are afraid to make their external gender presentation match with their internal sense of gender and all the younger trans women who need to see us out, loud and proud. It's a wonderful blessing to be trans. You just need to view it that way.
PS. It's a great hobby for a retired person.
PPS. It's August. Summer's almost over.
When I came to this point, I had to make a choice.
Do I live the rest of my life in a state of suicidal depression, hiding from all to avoid making other people uncomfortable, or do I seek help and a little peace in my last years at the risk of rejection by those who can't tolerate what I really am.
I'm choosing to seek help, at the expense of being loathed by people who I had thought loved me.
I'm not choosing my gender. I'm choosing sanity over suicide.
It's not an easy choice. The incredible level of transphobia in our society makes this hard, and the efforts of some to fan the flames of hatred for personal gain is making it worse.
Quote from: tina7884 on August 02, 2016, 03:32:23 PM
I decided to tell two of my kids of my plans. But that backfired and now none of my kids talk to me. I had told my older brother and he said he would never talk to me again if I went forward with my p!ans. I couldn't come out at work and I was stuck in the closet.
I'm so sorry your family did that to you, Tina. My kids doing the same is probably one of my biggest fears... but I don't think I could go that many decades in the closet.
My fiancé was never blatantly transphobic (hateful towards us) but he used to be one of those cis guys who made fun of us and thought it was a choice... until I came out to him. It's been a year since I came to terms with my true self. A few months later, on December 27, 2015 I came out to him. I was holding on, just waiting for the topic to come up and when he claimed that there are no such thing as trans men, I said something along the lines of, "Actually, you're looking at one right now." He was shocked. He went into denial about it. I had to remind him more than a few times, many times breaking down about how he didn't accept me. He's getting better with the misgendering, but I know in my heart he still sees me as the woman he thinks I am, and not the man I truly am. I'm not sure we're gonna stay together in the long run but things may change. He may be the type of person who takes years to come around. And like you, before I came out I was dropping hints like crazy. The next time the topic comes up might be a very good time for you to come out. The thought of losing your family is like
torture... but so is gender dysphoria. I hope that if you do come out, they will accept you. My dysphoria is horrid and I'm only (almost) 26. I can only imagine the pain of keeping it secret for decades is like.
Tina, I completely sympathize with your situation, as everyone here does. You are spending a lot of time in a state of self pity. That's a place we all seem to go at times, but it's not great to stay there for the long term. At some point you need to look at ways to achieve some degree of happiness with yourself. It might be a good idea for you to talk about your situation with a therapist.
It seems to me that you've got three options. One, you can go on suppressing yourself, pretending to be this "guy" you mention and being inwardly miserable with yourself all the while. Two, you can look for an increasing number of little ways to satisfy your needs without shaking up your entire lifestyle. Three, you could throw caution to the wind and publicly become the woman you feel you are, letting the cards fall as they may.
All three options have their shortcomings. I think the first will be the most entirely damaging, both to you and to those around you. You may not realize it, but those around us are often affected when we have internal unhappiness like this. In the long run you'll probably do good for yourself and those around you if you become more of the person you know you are. You've got no easy options. Good luck with it.
Quote from: warlockmaker on August 04, 2016, 11:53:11 PM
Reading these posts makes me sad that so many of my sisters in the Western world face such prejudices....yet the West continue to claim that this is where people are all equal more than anywhere.
I have total acceptance and the very few that cannot accept are irralevant. I am truly blessed to have my family, friends and public support in Asia.
You have time ....people slowly change. My only advice is stay healthy and eat well so that your can layer still have your dreams come true.
We have a lot to learn from your part of the world.
I am now officially 60 y/o and also spent much to all of that time "In the closet". I am also a bit of an enigma. I felt since I was like 4 y/o I wanted to be a girl. I hoped, wished, prayed that I would wake up as one. Never happened back then. I was told in uncertain terms by mom when I was like 5 "Boys do not wear skirts". As one of several second generation blue collar family types back in the 50's & 60's the only thing worse then a gay person was a a gay person in a dress. A hetero-TV was an oxymoron. Real men do not each quiche and certainly not wear dresses.
When I got out of uni, I experimented with transitioning, twice. Both times utter fails. Between experiments I had my "Practice" marriage hoping the feelings will go away. They didn't. Only my wife did after finding my stash of clothes. I figured maybe "Coming clean" was a better idea. Which I did to my future fiancee. Well... when wedding date pressure mounted, she bolted. I wasn't "A real man"
I spent a good 40 years being a chameleon, trying to blend in. To at some level be like other guys. It took an ever increasing effort to bury the GD. No matter what I needed the at least once a month escape from maleness. At times of high stress, even more
And there was plenty of stress. To bury Joanne I buried myself in a universe of Diversion, Distractions and even denial. The 3D's as I call them. My existence morphed into an overwhelming drive to seem "Normal", bury Joanne forever. I said after two failed transition experiments "I am just a Cross-Dresser". I really just settled on that. At 6ft tall, big everything and deeper then average voice... oh yeah, also balding since 14, I could be nothing else but. In time I turned into a lifeless soulless thing that existed merely to do "What was expected". Actually, more of what the chameleon said was expected. I was a Hollywood facade of a man. Not a person. Just a thing
As often happened in my life, the excrement hit the air-handler yet again. Laid-off, new job 350 miles from home, a shaky marriage now a long distance shaky marriage. A wife fighting depression as well as the chronic pain she has been in for 8 years. Plenty of financial obligations. The new job in rural WV, our home just outside NYC where the best doctors are supposed to be. SHe stayed in NJ to bark at strangers passing the house.
I was alone, in a strange place, new job, culture shock, and.... WAY too much time with just my thoughts. I fell back on my old friends food and booze to shut off the noise. All my distractions were gone. Even my job which so much of it defined me was a joke. A good admin could be as much of an engineer as I was expected to be now working for a mil contractor. 90% of my brain needed to be tied behind my back just to make it fair. After a few months my weight started to get way to close to 200 lbs, a territory this former fatty swore she'll never come close to again after dropping 100 lbs. years earlier.
A lightning bolt shot through me as I sat there sobbing and thinking "I couldn't even cross-dress if I wanted to. Nothing will fit" It spoke volumes. Of everything that I could be depressed over, not being able to fit into my fem wardrobe bothered me the most. I sobbed for a good hour. Not from self-pity, rather because I knew I needed to change things. Change how I was NOT handling being trans which left only having to deal with it for real. Either deal with or that special concrete wall at 90MPH I was eyeing up. One option had a Do-Over
Was I ever a cross-dresser? God how I wish I was. Life would have been far less complicated. But wishing I was just a cross-dresser was about as effective as wishing I'd wake up in the morning as a girl. It took nearly 50 years to realize I was waking up each morning as a girl.
When faced with problems with many moving pieces and no simple answer, I found the answer to one easy question tends to answer the most complicated questions in life:
"Which Pain is Worse?"
You are certainly somewhere in the TG spectrum. The real trick is sorting out where you are, TODAY which then leads into what you need to do to manage the GD. You know you are not happy with the "In the closet" spot you are in. That's an easy one to fix. But it depends on which pain is worse. Loosing your wife?, Family? Friends? Livelihood? Or, would just the occasional "Escape from Maleness" that you had pre-marriage immensely change how you feel?
There seems to be a tendency for people to reason:
I am not Cis, therefore I am trans. If I am trans the only real route to nirvana is to be all in and do a full social and medical transition. Making that leap of logic is often a very deep well of unending angst. Except for the members of the Transition or Die club.
I am constantly juggling Needs and Wants. Most days I do not need to fully transition. That feeling often lasts from hours, to maybe a few days. Every day I want to. But.... Gender presentation is about 20% of the totality of what makes me, Me. The potential cost of making a full transition is more then I want to risk. I do not Need to transition. I do know, without any doubt whatsoever, I need my HRT. I now need to see, to feel and to know I now have a body I can live and be happy in. I worked hard on my personal growth. I know I need to keep up with those lessons. I need to keep on fully integrating the male side of me with female side. After 7 years of work I am still learning what it is to be me, the real person me. I Need/Want my wife, BFF, soul-mate, and reality therapist of some 40 years. I also know how difficult it has been and still is for her to loose her man. She sure cannot see me as one when my breasts are nicer then hers. Yet I do present primarily as male as I dance on the edge of my unique knife.
Only you can answer Which Pain is Worse? for you
Joanne,
You always make so much sense..........thank you.
Ciara
Quote from: Ciara on August 05, 2016, 06:11:44 PM
Joanne,
You always make so much sense..........thank you.
Ciara
Thank you hon. If I can only save one other person the pain and anguish I felt I needed to put myself through......
Once again... Thank You for all the advise and encouragement!!!
Joanne you seem to be in the exact spot I'm in. Taking it day by day. Some days better, some days worse. The cost of transitioning is way to high for me. Being a paramedic/Firefighter for over 35 years taught me my life was put on this earth to help others. God taught me to help others a long time ago. My transition would do nothing by destroy others, so I couldn't do it. Perhaps in the near future things will change. Who knows. I attempted to open the "closet door" and had my nose bitten off. I only had a small taste of the damage it will cause. So I won't be trying that again until society drastically changes.
I have found several things I can do to help ease my dysphoria. They seems to be keeping my head above water. I have kept "my secrete" for almost 60 years. I think I can keep it up for a while longer. When I attempted to transition before I was on HRT and really felt pretty good. I was told that because I lived with a bunch of guys my testosterone levels were off the charts. (Similar results with apes in the wild. Not sure what he was saying?!?!?) I have thought about getting back on the HRT but not sure how I can get it past the wife. Perhaps I will discuss some of this with my doctor. Perhaps he would be professional enough to be able to keep the friendship we have built.
So for now I will just keep plodding along. I feel that letting my story out was half the battle. Thanks for listening!! You are all right. I don't have to pray every night to wake up a woman... I'm already one. I just don't have the same parts and everyone else. The last I checked we all have different fingerprints. so I guess we are all a little different!!!
I will keep this site in my mind and read it often.
Joanne... I hope you will one day be able to complete the whole package!!! Your kindness is quite obvious!!!
Tina
Tina,
I wish you the best and I wish you happiness.
Ciara.
Thank you Tina.
REALLY coming out to yourself is a hard thing to do. I have always made the distinction between knowing I was trans since I was like 4 y/o and "Taking on the Trans-Beast for real". For 50 years we just sparred and I usually was the one bruised and bloodied. I also like to break down "Transition" into its simplest meaning which is "To Change".
Making any sort of a real change in your very own personal life is not an easy thing. People like routines. We like to wake up to a world not much different then it was when we went to sleep. I've been spending 7 years making changes in my life with the ultimate goal being to maybe finally figure out who and what I really am. I didn't want to "Survive", I wanted to LIVE. I wanted to be able to answer my wife's favorite question of "What are your hopes, wishes, and dreams?" with something more then "I dunno" because I really didn't have any except on long given up on as dead in the water
I changed a LOT as a person in those ensuing years. I am still changing and growing. I am still learning and discovering who I am as I finally am able to enjoy the world I am in
Quote from: JoanneB on August 05, 2016, 05:42:22 PM
There seems to be a tendency for people to reason:
I am not Cis, therefore I am trans. If I am trans the only real route to nirvana is to be all in and do a full social and medical transition. Making that leap of logic is often a very deep well of unending angst.
I agree. That is true for many people.
But, from what I've read and the anecdotal experiences I have had, show that cases of transition regret are extremely low.
Quote from: JoanneB on August 05, 2016, 05:42:22 PM
Except for the members of the Transition or Die club.
Not sure I'm quite there, however. I do know trans women who want to transition because of positive reasons, like for example because for them:
1. It's fun.
2. All the obstacles that were preventing them from doing what they always wanted to do, i.e., medically and socially transitioning to female have either fallen away or been overcome so that they are now able to approach their transition from a joyful, and even hopeful place. Not just because they fear negative consequences of not transitioning (Transition or Die club), but because they enthusiastically welcome the opportunity to do what they always dreamt of doing.
I'm 51 and still so far in the closet that my passport is issued by Narnia. I genuinely don't know what to do any more, joined (and left) numerous internet fora over the years, lost as many friends as I made on there, been slated for my lack of progress, but it's not an easy place to be in.
I'm married (for the second time) with a 10 year old daughter who is the reason I keep going, my wife knows of my "issue" (as she refers to it) but she just thinks it's some kind of perversion which I can forget about. I've tried to explain to her but, well, I may as well talk to the wall. It's two years since I've had any "me time", I don't have any female clothing any more (the friend who was storing my stuff and providing space to be "me" got fed up of my depression and introspection and cut me off), and some days life just feels hopeless.
My wife is narcissistic and manipulative, sometimes I feel I'm only here as a supply of ready cash, although I'm in a reasonably well paid job I'm constantly short of money as I'm expected to subsidise her stream of "businesses" (read glorified hobby), people tell me to leave but I have no spare cash and nowhere to go. Plus the prospect of my daughter growing up influenced solely by my wife worries me.
Sorry to ramble on so, just feel so frustrated that I don't know which way to turn, I feel so lonely, and 8 months of counselling just made things worse if anything.
Hi Bob, that was my old name...at 51 you have loys of time. Be positive and wait a bit and see how things develop. .. try keeping a special savings account for your future surgery needs. In the interim, if you still have cashown left from your wife's lifestyle start removing your facial hair...tell her it makes you feel younger. Many of us spend years removing our facial hairs..and you will have a positive head start when it's time.
BTW I have a daughters of 4 yrs old and a 15 yrs old. And a wife with big ambitions that cost alot but she never sees it through ...
Quote from: warlockmaker on August 08, 2016, 08:37:43 AM
Hi Bob, that was my old name...at 51 you have loys of time. Be positive and wait a bit and see how things develop. .. try keeping a special savings account for your future surgery needs. In the interim, if you still have cashown left from your wife's lifestyle start removing your facial hair...tell her it makes you feel younger. Many of us spend years removing our facial hairs..and you will have a positive head start when it's time.
BTW I have a daughters of 4 yrs old and a 15 yrs old. And a wife with big ambitions that cost alot but she never sees it through ...
Until 2 1/2 years ago I had a beard, had to shave it off because I got a nasty rash all over my face... so many people told me I looked better without it, ironically the only exception was my wife... she still has a pop occasionally even now telling me I should grow it back...
She's been "starting a business" now for 6 years, she has made very little in that time, although she did make enough money to buy herself a new car and spend over £1000 on a new kiln. But her ideas never seem to last long, it's too much like hard work for her. She has a 16yo son from a previous relationship who doesn't even try to conceal his contempt for me... if only there was any spare cash left over, rest assured I would salt some away, as it is it's all I can do to eke the money out till the end of the month some months.