It was mentioned in a blog I read that dysphoria increases as one ages. It is something I had never even considered before. My initial reaction was to be appalled. I kind of hoped it would fade over time. The individual who wrote this thought is someone who is extremely bright and knowledgeable. I have every confidence that what she wrote is true. However, the blogger in her entry didn't go beyond the statement to explain the reason(s) why dysphoria increases as one matures (a kind, more politically correct way of saying "gets old"). Is the reason for the increase in dysphoria a matter of biology, psychology, or perhaps a combination of the two? I would appreciate reading your thoughts on the matter.
It does get worse as you get older. Some believe that this is due to declining T levels but I reject that idea. When my dysphoria was at its recent worst my T levels were still very high, above 800 ng/dl. Others are much lower but in both cases the dysphoria grows worse. So I think the cause is independent of biology.
I think it's all psychology. Maybe it's just getting mentally worn out from suppressing it. Or maybe it's knowing that the time for change is growing shorter. Or maybe it's both or something else I haven't thought of.
I think it might be the realisation that one is going to reach the end without ever experiencing life as your true self. This causes increasing feelings of desperation and panic which increase the longer we do nothing about it. Each moment we live the wrong life feels like a moment wasted. That's how it seems to me anyway.
Hugs
B
I knew I was sabotaging my marriage. Thirty seven year later I tried to find out why. It is only because I have skirted the subject (pun intended) whenever I visited a therapist on at least five other occasions. This time I was so angry and upset that my body did not match my thoughts that I spilled the beans. Actually we have just learned what I have dealt with all my life. Actually admitting I was trans was the most liberating thing in my life. Now I could actually have answers to explain to Wen what happened. Did I get more dysphoric as I got older? I believe what I got was being more honest with myself and everyone around me. it really has made quite a difference and I should have addressed it much sooner.
I think B's got it. We reach a point where we have to face our mortality, and look back on a life lived for the convenience of others, but lacking for ourselves.
Males in my family tend to die in their late 60s, so turning 60 produced some serious introspection for me. When I hit 62, I recall just sitting there thinking "Just 5 years to go. I can keep my secrets for just a few more years." Then, something changed, or something snapped, and I couldn't go on with this.
My wife kept putting off plans for travel, "Oh, we'll do that in a few years. Maybe in our 70s." I know what happens to people who plan like that. It never happens. Medical issues, aging, increasing frailty all conspire to thwart those sorts of plans. I didn't think I'd be alive for them. I barely felt like I was alive right now. In fact, why bother continuing? I'd known what I was exactly (a transwoman in hiding) for 30 years, and it wasn't getting any better.
The dysphoria begat depression, and the depression made the dysphoria harder to handle. It was a downward spiral that ended with me hooking a hose into the car exhaust before the catalytic converter and sealing the interior, then me holding the pills in my hand that I had determined would depress my respiratory reflex and keep me comfortable once I started the engine.
I called a hot line instead, they talked me down, and I got help. After my first appointment I got rid of the exhaust hose and fittings I had built.
I'm pretty sure testosterone levels didn't play into this. My level just before starting HRT was 650, pretty much normal for my age. One culprit to altering my mental state might have been prolactin. I do have a 'microprolactinoma', and a significantly elevated level compared to the male normal. Extrapolating from the recent level measurements, it has probably been rising 7-8 months, and was significantly high starting a month or so before I hit bottom. It might have given me a nudge over the edge. (Prolactin in males tends to counteract testosterone pretty strongly.)
Quote from: BirlPower on August 05, 2016, 11:46:08 AM
"I think it might be the realisation that one is going to reach the end without ever experiencing life as your true self. This causes increasing feelings of desperation and panic which increase the longer we do nothing about it. Each moment we live the wrong life feels like a moment wasted. That's how it seems to me anyway."
I think what Birlpower wrote is exactly what's going on. feeling that the gate slowly closes for the chance to live and enjoy your true self. My panic developed from almost 0 to 100 within 12 months and climaxed at age 47. I was almost not able to focus on my work anymore and had some kind of nervous breakdown. After that i talked to my boss and together we planned my coming out at the job. Actually, though everything went fine I still have difficulties to forgive myself that I waited that long although there have been reasons.
Summarized I think the time you feel or think you have left to live your true self is at least one trigger for the increase of dysphoria.
For me it got much worse after a chronic illness that led to a traumatic brain injury and near death. It was a mortality reality check that I don't know how much time I have left, and that I didn't want to have regrets of not living authentically
I guess as I got into 40s and 50s those issues would present with time and age,just hit me sooner in my mid 20s instead.
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
For me it just slowly ate away at me, causing untold pain and unhappiness. It gnawed away until there was nothing left holding it back. That sort of slow realisation and denial takes time. For some of us it happens quickly, for others it takes years, but it becomes undeniable in the end.
From my own personal experience "Fading over time" was really I got really really good at denial after about 30 years of practice and hard work. Diversions, Distractions, and Denial are great for shutting off the noise in your head.
I had 2 failed transition experiments in my early 20's. I learned over time how to shut off the noise. That was until someone plugged the amp back in. When I first reached out for help with the GD 7 years ago I swore transition was the absolute last thing on my mind. Been there twice. Not for me. I just wanted to sort out how to get the male and female sides of me to live in peace.
A lot has changed in those 7 years
I totally agree that age and traumatic events can make it worse. There are other life factors that contribute to it as well. For me my first partner was completely against the idea of me being trans. If I wanted to stay with her that definitely made it worse. My current wife is completely supportive and has made accepting myself a lot easier. It is probably different for everyone depending on life factors.
Quote from: V on August 05, 2016, 04:37:59 PM
For me it just slowly ate away at me, causing untold pain and unhappiness. It gnawed away until there was nothing left holding it back. That sort of slow realisation and denial takes time. For some of us it happens quickly, for others it takes years, but it becomes undeniable in the end.
This was my experience, too. When I was young, I was able to deal with it easily by denial. But the denial was not foolproof, and each time the dysphoria came back, denial got a little bit harder. My denial was getting stretched thinner and thinner until even I could see through it.
I don't know if my dysphoria itself was getting worse, but I certainly became more aware of it with time. Now that I am out to myself and a few others, I can look at my dysphoria directly and I am starting to see what it looks like. As I become more aware, I see aspects of it that I didn't see before. My awareness of genital dysphoria is increasing lately. Has the dysphoria itself increased or is it just my awareness of it? Is the dysphoria even distinct from the awareness? I can't tell. All I can tell is that I am feeling stuff that I didn't before, that I don't like.
About the claim that gender dysphoria inevitably worsens with age.
What if that was down to the people who did experience worsening, seeking help and reporting it, and the people who saw improvement not reporting it and instead quietly using self management?
For me it hit the first crisis point when I was about 44 and I think I know the reason. I was in the Army until I was 41. The whole time I managed it by telling myself I would do my time and then do everything when I retired. Then after I retired I didn't do it and started getting really depressed about it.
My experience was it getting worse with age. I didn't even know I was trans before 40's it was so mild.
This is quite an interesting article which touches on it
http://www.avitale.com/developmentalreview.htm
Quote from: BirlPower on August 05, 2016, 11:46:08 AM
I think it might be the realisation that one is going to reach the end without ever experiencing life as your true self. This causes increasing feelings of desperation and panic which increase the longer we do nothing about it. Each moment we live the wrong life feels like a moment wasted. That's how it seems to me anyway.
Hugs
B
Super correct. +1 to your reputation for this post.
Hugs,
Jennifer xx
Quote from: JMJW on August 05, 2016, 11:05:55 PM
About the claim that gender dysphoria inevitably worsens with age.
What if that was down to the people who did experience worsening, seeking help and reporting it, and the people who saw improvement not reporting it and instead quietly using self management?
I'd say that for most trans ladies I've known who have transitioned to full-time female in all aspects of life, gender change on ID documents, full medical-grade HRT over years -- the NECESSITY to transition could no longer be "managed."
I am female. I finally started acting fully on that fact about 3 years ago. If I hadn't, I would be dead from suicide already.
Jennifer xx
Made my decision in earnest about 3 years ago. Started medical-grade HRT about 2 years ago.
In my 50's, I finally felt, "This crisis isn't going to get any better by waiting till age 60 or 70 or 80."
NEVER will I "go back." I AM FEMALE.
Jennifer xx
Hi All,
After keeping my GD on the back burner all my life to varying degrees of success...it hit hard at age 52... So much so that it demanded my attention above all else in my life and I decided to take a closer look at what had been going on with me since childhood... Here I sit 3 years later... A post GRS/FFS woman enjoying an amazing life that is finally my own
I don't want to drag the term "mid-life crisis" into this but I do feel that around the 50 year mark is a time of introspection about life in general... You start to ask yourself ... Am I happy?... If not .. Why?... What needs to change?
A time like that when you are asking yourself the hard questions is also a time to start looking at the hard answers!!! It may have something also to do with fear of judgement as well... I don't know if I would have had the courage to transition in my youth... It was a different world then... But now I'm old and I don't care what anyone thinks!!! :-)
Take Care,
Ashley:)
I notice a few different common themes through out this topic and most find a strong correlation between aging and GD. I thank you all for sharing your own stories and methods of working through your struggles. As I stated in my introduction a few days ago, I am both an old lady of 68 years and new to this transgender life at just under 2 years since my first realization of tg. I can look back in totally perfect hindsight and see glimpses of dysphoria of one kind or another since my earliest memories but nothing drove either awareness or changes until last year. You know, just normal life sort of stuff. I am now on a path of realizing my "new" self with the assistance of a very supportive wife and 6 weeks of hrt. So, live is good and everything should look rosy and great. But (and there often is one, isn't there?), after looking at myself in the mirror this morning and sitting her reading through this thread I find tears running down my cheeks and I am hurting for the suffering that all of you have been going through and for the dysphoria that I am currently experiencing. It produces such a strong sense of loss of hope that non of my cis friends would even have a clue about! Yes, it is probably emotional hormone response but it is the largest tear flow to date. My question is; how do you deal with GD when it hits? What do you do when it flattens you and leaves you crying?
When I started HRT it was an outlet for the dysphoria and even when I hadn't yet seen results- the knowledge that I was taking action and moving towards my authentic self definitely helped with the dysphoria.
I am often reminded of the Japanese term "Ikigai" which describes the reason and purpose for getting out of bed in the morning. Although it typically references the professional and social outlets, I often use it for the self care side of my life. "What is my goal or purpose today in taking care of myself?"
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
When GD used to get bad I would drink heavily and pray that God would fix it one way or the other. After 45 years I gave up on that prayer and just drank heavily and prayed that God would kill me in my sleep. He wouldn't do that either.
Since I went to a psychologist and started HRT, the dysphoria has been minimal or nonexistent most of the time. Sometimes I might still feel like crying but it's nothing like the soul crushing feeling before.
Hi Anne!... I hope all is well and let me say that at 6 weeks into HT you have a lot of amazing things ahead.... You also have a lot of adjustments ahead as well... This path can be something of a roller coaster!
I am just shy of three years on HT and it feels like I have lived a lifetime or two in those 3 years... I remember well the contrast of my emotional makeup and mood swings when I began... my emotional life before HT was like living somewhere where there is little change between the seasons but estrogen is like seeing it all!!! ... Beautiful springs and summers, spectacular but melancholy autumns and some hard cold winters that make you appreciate the good seasons all the more
I feel happier and more alive now than ever but there are battles fought each day brought on by the hormones some familiar to cis women dueling with self image etc and some a bit more TS oriented... passing... fitting in etc... Be prepared for that but at the same time receptive to all good things as well. Good things lay ahead!!!
Take Care!!!
Ashley :)
First off, thank you, thank you, thank you for your warm responses, today seems to be a rather messy emotional day. Secondly I want to apologize for apparently stealing this thread, it is a very selfish indulgence that you all have put up with.
Finally I will give a bit of perspective of some of my dysphoria source. I retired 3 or so years ago from a very stressful position of problem solver. I would often be called on to drop everything, fly to some distant part of the world and fix things (R&D and manufacturing related). There was no room for failure and no room for personal feelings/expressions. I never really noticed the extent of the pressure, it had just been building over a couple of decades, sort of like the lobster being put into a pot of cool water and then slowly heated to boiling.... Retirement came around and time to explore life. Anne was born and this magical new awareness has taken over allowing me to see what had been in front of me for all of those years and millions of flight miles. Now that Anne is alive, I rue each day that I do not fully experience and also am very afraid that there are not enough days left to really explore this new while always present magic. Combine that with me not really having a clue of where and how far I want this to go. I realize that nobody knows their path and probably would be disappointed if I did have foreknowledge of the path ahead, so much of the excitement comes from being surprised every morning with new an unexpected wonders. Yes, there is a lot of pink fog around here also. I just never expected the depths of the sadness and so many tears. It really gives me perspective and empathy for so many of you that have been struggling with this for most of your lives!
Warmest regards,
Anne
Quote from: Anne Blake on August 06, 2016, 03:17:50 PM
I notice a few different common themes through out this topic and most find a strong correlation between aging and GD. I thank you all for sharing your own stories and methods of working through your struggles. As I stated in my introduction a few days ago, I am both an old lady of 68 years and new to this transgender life at just under 2 years since my first realization of tg. I can look back in totally perfect hindsight and see glimpses of dysphoria of one kind or another since my earliest memories but nothing drove either awareness or changes until last year. You know, just normal life sort of stuff. I am now on a path of realizing my "new" self with the assistance of a very supportive wife and 6 weeks of hrt. So, live is good and everything should look rosy and great. But (and there often is one, isn't there?), after looking at myself in the mirror this morning and sitting her reading through this thread I find tears running down my cheeks and I am hurting for the suffering that all of you have been going through and for the dysphoria that I am currently experiencing. It produces such a strong sense of loss of hope that non of my cis friends would even have a clue about! Yes, it is probably emotional hormone response but it is the largest tear flow to date. My question is; how do you deal with GD when it hits? What do you do when it flattens you and leaves you crying?
What do I do when I'm in tears (happens regularly, but then I was a very tearful guy before, too), well I have learnt (mostly) to wait. It will pass, as someone eloquently put, like the seasons, and you will feel good again.
In my case, I just have to not reach for the razor blades, but instead try to hold on until I feel better. Of course YMMV
If you react anything like I did then HRT is like the sun coming out after a hurricane. Darkness turns to light. I know that sounds cheesy but it really did feel like that. So I look forward to hearing of how you are doing as you move further along. :-)
I have to agree with much of what has been written. I certainly agree that things appear to get much worse the older you get. I knew for many years I was going to have to deal with my GD(didn't know what it was called) at some point. As I got older I think my ability to keep "on top" of the GD began to fail. What I could control at 40 I was no longer able to hide/control it by my late 40's and consequently my GD spiraled out of control.
One of the huge turning points for me is when I was administered T injections. I realised at this point the preceding 12 months had been pretty good in comparison to the rest of my life...a cure?...nope just low testosterone which was enough for me to feel the difference when the T was injected. After that I was more miserable than I had been for years...slowly over a period of a week it dawned on me why I was feeling so terrible and why I had been feeling relatively good prior to this. After the first injection I swore I would never have any more as my GD went crazy for about 4 weeks or so and then began to ease. I was a complete ass to live with and would have been divorced if I had been made to have more..altogether a very unpleasant person. It was either sort this out or take my own life...so I opted for HRT and Life....haven't looked back since.
Liz
Hi Again Anne!!!
I also would like to say that although starting down this path later in can bring with it some feelings of regret... " why didn't I do this sooner????" ...It is at the same time like a restart on life... I feel in many ways like a kid... Looking at the world through new eyes.... Dealing with GD is best done with honesty... Looking at yourself... Realizing who you are and claiming it..... The process is filled with emotions good and bad but it is an incredible journey ... Filled with revelations about your past, your path ahead, your connections to others and the world around you....it is what living is all about and an experience not to be missed...Amazing things lay ahead :)
Take Care
Ashley :)
My analogy is, this is similar to holding a beach ball beneath the water, eventually the ball will become more difficult to keep under the water as time goes by, and eventually in this case, the beach ball wins. Personally I was able to suppress my dysphoria from surfacing for a very long time and in the end it was not age but instead there were zero obstacles blocking me from transitioning while prior to that the suppression was worked like I was hypnotized.
I think it's because in youth, you don't have the same level of knowledge about yourself yet, you don't quite know what you're capable of and what will change, and people are always saying things like "you'll grow out of _____". I don't know how many times someone told me I'd grow out of not wanting kids for example. Or that I'd grow out of being quiet. Some people get told they'll grow out of being trans and that it's just a phase. When you're told that by figures in your life who you trust, you tend to defer to it a little and believe that you are in the wrong, not them.
Fast forward enough time and experience and you start to understand yourself better and know exactly what makes you happy and sad and what you can and cannot deal with. That's when the dysphoria becomes less of a suggestion and more a fact of life. You realize it's never going to leave you alone. And then you see the choice - do something about it, or live with it for the rest of your life and never know if you could have been happier.
I just joined about an hour ago. I've been reading the site as a guest for several weeks, just got up the courage to join, or perhaps more correctly, resigned myself to the need to join. From the many posts I've read, it is clear that there is tremendous wisdom here.
I am sorry if this first post comes off as a bit grim. Please bear with me.
I'm 59 years old and have come to realize gradually over the last 5-10 years or so that I have MTF transgender features (hence the chosen forum user name). This dates back to affinity for clothing of the opposite gender as a child, tendency to have female friends including older women, not conforming to typical childhood male interests and participation in team sports. While none of these individually was convincing to me, I've had a growing preoccupation with transgender thoughts, covertly purchasing women's clothing and crossdressing when I am able (having the house to myself for extended periods of time). Earlier in life I thought I might have a typical crossdressing fetish but came to realize I gained no sexual excitement from crossdressing, just enjoyed it as it seemed to fulfill a need to manifest my suppressed femininity. Not a fetish. These episodes date back to childhood, mostly acts of opportunism earlier in life.
Things are much different now. I have been through countless cycles of acquisition and purging. The purging occurs when I judge the risk of discovery of my collection of clothing to become intolerably high, with fear of catastrophic consequences for me and my family. To me, the need to purge is not driven by guilt or shame as I understand is the case for many. I gradually come to view the stash of clothing as something increasingly dangerous, like plutonium approaching a critical mass, that is simply too hazardous to keep. I rationalize that dropping the clothing off in a charity dumpster is an act of good will and social utility, a contribution to the less fortunate.
An expensive and very brief sense of relief. Surely, none of this is a new story here.
If it were just cross dressing, things would be much simpler. I have a number of features psychologically that are usually characterized as traditionally male. I have been entirely male-heterosexual all my life, although I found dating difficult as I came of age, the relationship with girls turning from friendship to strong sexual overtones. I was clumsy in my early attempts but had several fairly intense romantic relationships beginning in college, finally marrying my wife in graduate school. I never had any concerns about being gay, never had any attraction to gay men or gay lifestyle. In retrospect, I had less lust and desire for most of the women I dated, greater desire to know them deeply and intimately, appreciating their psychological and aesthetic physical beauty. I don't think anyone suspects I struggle with gender issues as I am very well socialized as a male.
What plagued me throughout my romantic relationships with women while dating and in my relationship with my one wife of >30 years, was a nearly morbid curiosity what it felt like to be her in every way. This included emotionally, sexually, and in more subtle everyday sensations such as touch and general senses. I have openly expressed desire to be able to trade places for a day or a week to experience what it is like to be her. At the time it had not occurred to me that I really wanted to **be** her, or more generally, a woman! Moreover, if I were a woman, I would be heterosexual and had fantasies about being the receptive sexual partner.
My wife loves me deeply but is very conventional and rigid in her thinking. I cannot discuss any of this with her, even in the abstract. It is entirely clear that I cannot come out to her without destruction of our marriage. Similarly, I cannot begin to imagine anything short of catastrophic consequences of disclosure to my grown children. I cherish my family and doubt I would survive loss of their love, respect and acceptance. Moreover, I feel I would be hurting them, making them victims of my selfishness if I were to pursue transition. In my work, I cannot imagine how I could manage transition at this point in my career. Despite the LGBT friendliness espoused by the university, The impact on relationships and my position as senior leadership of a section, across international research collaborations, etc. would lead to and early end of my career and employment. I really feel there is no solution; no alternative but to tolerate the growing dysphoria, taking my secret eventually to the grave.
I think the earlier post explaining the increasing dysphoria over time as attributable to an increasing sense of lost life lived genuinely with approaching mortality is correct. This combined with ever increasing maturity and self awareness leads to growing discontent that eventually becomes impossible to suppress.
What worries me now is the substantial collection of clothing I've accumulated this acquisition cycle and the growing sense that this time I cannot purge. I still am gravely concerned about discovery and the consequences that would predictably follow. Recently, each episode I spend dressed, wearing jewelry, makeup, etc. briefly relieves the dysphoria but seems to leave me with a more intensely dysphoric sensation after returning to male mode. I see no end to this dysphoric spiral, fearing I will eventually be discovered.
Welcome to Susan's Place Steph Eigen. I suspect you have hit or about to reach the point where something needs to be done. I have no idea what the outcome will be but there are options. Testosterone blockers can reduced the discomfort and a gender therapist may be able to help you explore alternate solutions. Often it's our fear of the outcome that holds us back that the reality isn't as bad as we feared. I transitioned 1979-1982 and may not have passed as well as I hoped but yet I was able to remain employed at a time that they could have fired me for being me. You have a good deal to consider but it will be better to do this on your time table instead of somebody else's.
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Quote from: Steph Eigen on August 08, 2016, 12:15:24 AM
I just joined about an hour ago. I've been reading the site as a guest for several weeks, just got up the courage to join, or perhaps more correctly, resigned myself to the need to join. From the many posts I've read, it is clear that there is tremendous wisdom here.
I am sorry if this first post comes off as a bit grim. Please bear with me.
I'm 59 years old and have come to realize gradually over the last 5-10 years or so that I have MTF transgender features (hence the chosen forum user name). This dates back to affinity for clothing of the opposite gender as a child, tendency to have female friends including older women, not conforming to typical childhood male interests and participation in team sports. While none of these individually was convincing to me, I've had a growing preoccupation with transgender thoughts, covertly purchasing women's clothing and crossdressing when I am able (having the house to myself for extended periods of time). Earlier in life I thought I might have a typical crossdressing fetish but came to realize I gained no sexual excitement from crossdressing, just enjoyed it as it seemed to fulfill a need to manifest my suppressed femininity. Not a fetish. These episodes date back to childhood, mostly acts of opportunism earlier in life.
Things are much different now. I have been through countless cycles of acquisition and purging. The purging occurs when I judge the risk of discovery of my collection of clothing to become intolerably high, with fear of catastrophic consequences for me and my family. To me, the need to purge is not driven by guilt or shame as I understand is the case for many. I gradually come to view the stash of clothing as something increasingly dangerous, like plutonium approaching a critical mass, that is simply too hazardous to keep. I rationalize that dropping the clothing off in a charity dumpster is an act of good will and social utility, a contribution to the less fortunate.
An expensive and very brief sense of relief. Surely, none of this is a new story here.
If it were just cross dressing, things would be much simpler. I have a number of features psychologically that are usually characterized as traditionally male. I have been entirely male-heterosexual all my life, although I found dating difficult as I came of age, the relationship with girls turning from friendship to strong sexual overtones. I was clumsy in my early attempts but had several fairly intense romantic relationships beginning in college, finally marrying my wife in graduate school. I never had any concerns about being gay, never had any attraction to gay men or gay lifestyle. In retrospect, I had less lust and desire for most of the women I dated, greater desire to know them deeply and intimately, appreciating their psychological and aesthetic physical beauty. I don't think anyone suspects I struggle with gender issues as I am very well socialized as a male.
What plagued me throughout my romantic relationships with women while dating and in my relationship with my one wife of >30 years, was a nearly morbid curiosity what it felt like to be her in every way. This included emotionally, sexually, and in more subtle everyday sensations such as touch and general senses. I have openly expressed desire to be able to trade places for a day or a week to experience what it is like to be her. At the time it had not occurred to me that I really wanted to **be** her, or more generally, a woman! Moreover, if I were a woman, I would be heterosexual and had fantasies about being the receptive sexual partner.
My wife loves me deeply but is very conventional and rigid in her thinking. I cannot discuss any of this with her, even in the abstract. It is entirely clear that I cannot come out to her without destruction of our marriage. Similarly, I cannot begin to imagine anything short of catastrophic consequences of disclosure to my grown children. I cherish my family and doubt I would survive loss of their love, respect and acceptance. Moreover, I feel I would be hurting them, making them victims of my selfishness if I were to pursue transition. In my work, I cannot imagine how I could manage transition at this point in my career. Despite the LGBT friendliness espoused by the university, The impact on relationships and my position as senior leadership of a section, across international research collaborations, etc. would lead to and early end of my career and employment. I really feel there is no solution; no alternative but to tolerate the growing dysphoria, taking my secret eventually to the grave.
I think the earlier post explaining the increasing dysphoria over time as attributable to an increasing sense of lost life lived genuinely with approaching mortality is correct. This combined with ever increasing maturity and self awareness leads to growing discontent that eventually becomes impossible to suppress.
What worries me now is the substantial collection of clothing I've accumulated this acquisition cycle and the growing sense that this time I cannot purge. I still am gravely concerned about discovery and the consequences that would predictably follow. Recently, each episode I spend dressed, wearing jewelry, makeup, etc. briefly relieves the dysphoria but seems to leave me with a more intensely dysphoric sensation after returning to male mode. I see no end to this dysphoric spiral, fearing I will eventually be discovered.
Hi Steph
Your post was long and I must admit I will have to re-read as I answer but my first impression is that you have great concerns about discovery and what the consequences will be for you. I assure you this is quite normal for us...and by us I include you. Are you Trans...I dunno...do you think you are? You are probably right, no matter what your answer but to be sure, it might be worthwhile investing, in a little one on one time with a qualified counselor.
Your post feels to me as though you are trying to sort this out by putting down all the reasons you think you are Trans or is the conflict more about, Am I a cross dresser? or Do I need to transition. I know I struggled with this question for many years. Forget everyone else...what would make you happy? I don't know that there is an easy answer, you don't have to be one thing or another. Gender is a spectrum with many variations along the way.
Sex is about who you go to be with
Gender is about who you go to be as
You do not need to have an attraction for men/women to be Trans
But apart from everything else you have said this sticks out to me
" Moreover, I feel I would be hurting them, making them victims of my selfishness if I were to pursue transition."
How would you be hurting them? How would they be victims? Why would transition be a selfish act?
Then finally this
"Recently, each episode I spend dressed, wearing jewelry, makeup, etc. briefly relieves the dysphoria but seems to leave me with a more intensely dysphoric sensation after returning to male mode. I see no end to this dysphoric spiral, fearing I will eventually be discovered."
I so feel for you it hurts to be where you are. I am 52 ,Married with two adult daughters and one overly spoiled dog and about 6 months into transition so I have asked many of the same questions you have. We have members much older who are in transition. I am always surprised at peoples reactions because you can NEVER guess what they will say. All I can suggest is to try and find someone to talk to in the real world apart from this site. Start thinking about what you want...you have one life, you get one go around...you do not get a second chance...everyone around you is living their life, are you?...you are caught in a private hell where there does not seem an escape. Wether or not you are a cross dresser or someone who needs to transition you are welcome here it does not matter to us.
Have a go at the questions I asked you and then sit back for 5 minutes and really think about whether your answers are about you or the people around you.
Hugs
Liz
Hi Steph,
Your story sounds oh so familiar to mine. You're doing better than me in one way too. You only lurked here for a few weeks. I read the forum on and off for eight years before I got up the courage to post here.
Quote from: Steph Eigen on August 08, 2016, 12:15:24 AMThings are much different now. I have been through countless cycles of acquisition and purging. The purging occurs when I judge the risk of discovery of my collection of clothing to become intolerably high, with fear of catastrophic consequences for me and my family. To me, the need to purge is not driven by guilt or shame as I understand is the case for many.
I know. I didn't really even cross dress that much. It was more episodic. And like you there always came the time where fear of discovery outweighed all else. I even managed to falsely convince myself so many times that this would be the last, that I would beat it this time. I never did beat it and eventually it became too much to handle.
QuoteI gradually come to view the stash of clothing as something increasingly dangerous, like plutonium approaching a critical mass, that is simply too hazardous to keep. I rationalize that dropping the clothing off in a charity dumpster is an act of good will and social utility, a contribution to the less fortunate.
An expensive and very brief sense of relief. Surely, none of this is a new story here.
I have a number of features psychologically that are usually characterized as traditionally male. I have been entirely male-heterosexual all my life, although I found dating difficult as I came of age,
I've always felt that trying to define a transsexual as gay or straight runs into too many conflicting factors between body and mind. My dating life was horrendous as I just couldn't play the right part. Nevertheless, I have been faithfully married now for 33 years mainly because my wife to be was making all the first moves. Sex was ok in that it released the primal urges driven by a high level of T in my system. But it also generally involved me imagining myself as female. Other than that though I was pretty successful in being a man including doing all the "super macho" things during my 20 years in the Army.
QuoteMoreover, if I were a woman, I would be heterosexual and had fantasies about being the receptive sexual partner.
Yeah, me too. That's why I said that gay or straight doesn't make any sense. I'm not gay because in a male body I do not find the idea of sex with men attractive at all. I do desire it though, albeit with another body. So what is my sexual orientation? I don't know and quit trying to figure it out. Anyway, being married, cheating is the last thing I would do so the question, for now at least, is academic.
QuoteMy wife loves me deeply but is very conventional and rigid in her thinking. I cannot discuss any of this with her, even in the abstract. It is entirely clear that I cannot come out to her without destruction of our marriage. Similarly, I cannot begin to imagine anything short of catastrophic consequences of disclosure to my grown children.
You may be right, but you don't really know. I thought the same thing. Then about 10 years ago I reached a point of desperation where in my mind the only choices were telling her or killing myself. At the time she was harassing me unmercifully over discovering my cross dressing clothes several times over the years. So I took a chance and told the truth about what was going on. I'm pretty sure that she didn't really like it but the anger and harassment immediately switched off and we are married still.
As for my children, I'm not sure but I think whenever I get around to telling them it will work out. When my two children were between 10 and 12, my wife, after finding my stuff that time, told them some pretty horrible things. Given their ages I'm pretty certain they have not forgotten. But it never seemed to interfere in our relationship. So maybe this wouldn't either.
Anyway, I think it's quite normal to imagine the worst case scenario. Sometimes it does in fact come to pass. Often it does not and relationships survive.
QuoteIn my work, I cannot imagine how I could manage transition at this point in my career. Despite the LGBT friendliness espoused by the university, The impact on relationships and my position as senior leadership of a section, across international research collaborations, etc. would lead to and early end of my career and employment.
I have the same fear and am not out at work. My situation is not exactly like yours but I work with the Army with mostly retired Infantrymen. Some I have known since the early 1980s. One, on my team, was a private in my Airborne Company when I was commander in 1989. So it all feels very awkward.
Even so, I am taking progressive steps and the world has not ended yet. I have been on HRT now for about 18 months and don't make any particular effort to hide. My hair hasn't been cut now since Dec 2014, and in an Army environment that really stands out. I've even been wearing women's body spray and light makeup, mostly just some powder to even things out. And I often speak out in favor of trans and LGB rights which is pretty unusual amongst this crowd of mostly hyper conservatives and Evangelical Christians. Yet I am still respected and treated very well. I think I am liked and treated even better than before. So I wonder, what would happen if I took the next step? I don't know?
I will add though that I think the primary reasons for how I am treated so far are twofold. First, HRT fixed my mood which was before extremely pessimistic, cynical, and often dour. Now I'm happy most of the time. Second, and at the risk of sounding conceited, I am the best at what I do here. Nobody else even comes close. And I also really enjoy helping others here when they need it so they feel very comfortable asking. Lest I sound too full of myself though, there is one who probably is more competent than me but she has a PhD and leads the Analysis group.
(I do experimental design for virtual experiments. I also do the statistical analysis and write the reports)
So, what is my point? My impression from your story is that you are at the top of your field and highly respected. Your fear is that if you do anything then everything will be placed in jeopardy. You fear may be well placed, but it also, like mine before, may be highly inflated. There are many steps that you might take short of showing up at work in a dress that would greatly relieve your dysphoria. Figuring out how far you can push it without consequences is just a matter of taking things slowly. There are others here in situations very similar to yours so hanging around and reading the forums may give you some comfort and ideas.
QuoteI really feel there is no solution; no alternative but to tolerate the growing dysphoria, taking my secret eventually to the grave.
You may be able to do that. I expect that many before have done exactly that. I couldn't because I got to the point that I was praying for that grave every night. If you do start getting to that point just know that we are here, we understand perfectly, and we want to listen and help.
Interesting reading all of the threads on this subject. I agree that as one ages the dysphoria increases, I am in my sixties and knew since my youth that I was different and went through all of the things that we all have. Giving in to my feelings and then purging every 5-6 months. Finally two years ago after the deaths of two very close friends within a month I accepted myself fully as being transgender MTF. The dysphoria had been increasing prior to that and that seemed to be the trigger. One other thing that has also increased my dysphoria as I have aged is the fact that we now have so much more knowledge of being transgender than in the past. If that knowledge was available to us in our 30's and 40's what response would I have had then versus now? We also have the media driving this, you can hardly pick up a magazine, newspaper, or watch a news program without something in the transgender world not being mentioned. Hard to manage it with the constant barrage coming our way. For my own part, I hopefully have my last therapist meeting on Thursday of this week and then HRT, dysphoria, I will conquer you!
I knew I was trans, and even knew the word for it since 1975. Because of circumstances somewhat beyond my control, and partly self imposed, I couldn't do anything about it. Also, given the lack of available information, I didn't fully understand it and thought I could will it away.
Trans people today do have a lot of information available to understand it and make better decisions about what to do.
Age 5 or 6 around 1957-1958 of something different. I didn't mention this due to the playground admonitions and stories about that as the same as the 'homos.' These boys who kept wearing their sister's dresses were institutionalized back then. Christine Jorgenson came into town in the mid-1960's and appeared in a local TV talk show that aired in prime time. My mom told us that she was a guy and she was not a 'fruit'. I graduated high school and I successfully suppressed the dysphoria during my Navy tour.
It got worse when I got out and I finally came out to my mother in 1977. She said that she still loves me. I did see a shrink then and the flawed findings of that Dr. McHugh of Johns Hopkins stated that there was no difference in the happiness of those who underwent the surgery than those who didn't at Johns Hopkins. That and the hell that Reneé Richards was going through with the press and sports critics at the time cause me to delay for the decades following. Being a DES son probably didn't help either. In short, suppressing this does get worse over time.
Joelene
It is a tremendous relief to know there are others who have traveled similar paths willing to offer advice, understanding and compassion.
Several of Deborah's and Liz's observations really struck a chord. I have tried to make rational assessments of my options and the likelihood of successfully navigating the the two competing risks of disclosure vs. non-disclosure. While it is true that I cannot be absolutely certain of the outcome with my family and work, I would judge that the estimate and 95% confidence interval for risk of tangible, life disrupting if not casatrophic consequences as a result of disclosure is significantly higher than my own internal estimate of risk to my mental health and survival. For this reason, I cannot bring myself to disclose. Clothing is simply a symptom of the problem; the underlying issues are much deeper and get to the core issue of my gender identity. I just hope I do not screw up and end up inadvertently discovered with shocking and catastrophic impact on the lives of those I love as well as my own life. If I make my gender issues known, I want it to happen in a planned, logical way with the least trauma all involved. At the present time, I just don't think I am up to that point. The dysphoria is not yet risen to levels that are consuming my life. In a perfect world, where there would be no downside to the disclosure, I'd do it tomorrow. In the real world, it is back to the competing risks argument.
I'm amazed by the strength and courage that is typified in life experiences described on this site. It is nothing short of inspirational. I am not quite so courageous. I'm sure I will endure quite a bit more before before mustering the strength to attempting to make major life changes.
Thanks, again.
Quote from: Steph Eigen on August 08, 2016, 03:50:05 PM
Several of Deborah's and Liz's observations really struck a chord.
Wow Steph! I just joined an hour ago as well! I've got many of the same questions although my partner is very aware and supportive of my crossdressing. Transition however is something that would probably end 40 year relationship.
My dysphoria is increasing as I approach retirement. As folks have pointed out it's a combination of lack of clutter of other things in life (job, kids, etc), suppression of personal needs, and concern about having regrets (which I don't, yet).
Great thread....
Jocee,
I am really interested in your experience and how things have evolved over your life.
If your wife is aware of your crossdressing, and is supportive, how di you disclose this to her? Are there other family members aware? Do you limit your crossdressing privately to your home?
Quote from: Steph Eigen on August 09, 2016, 12:14:01 PM
If your wife is aware of your crossdressing, and is supportive, how di you disclose this to her? Are there other family members aware? Do you limit your crossdressing privately to your home?
She is totally aware and has been for 30 years. She found out when she decided to clean our basement storage area and discovered my clothing. For her lot's of ensuing crying, a ton of trust issues for not disclosing, some major self esteem issues.
For me, it started a process of coming out of the closet. I found a great counselor who helped me embrace this side of me, urged me to get out and explore, and meet others in the very big and diverse community. She also pushed me hard to make choices about what I wanted out of therapy, including opening one session with "I'll approve you for hormones." That one really made me think.
So, my daughter is aware and supportive although has never seen anything other than pictures. I think her husband is aware, although he has a boyfriend who tried to lord over her using the information so she may have not told him. My son is semi aware, knowing that I have not body hair. His girlfriend is definitely aware, as she always comments on my clothing choice ("Are those women jeans? They look so nice on you")
And no I don't limit to my home, although I am conscious of my neighbors opinions and gossip so still slip out under the cover of darkness. I also spend a couple weeks a year essentially living full time. Usually at a gender event like Fantasia Fair, First Event, Southern Comfort, or Keystone.....
I highly recommend those to people who are just beginning to explore. I now go for the friends and parties, but have learned a lot participating in the workshops what not.....
Joanna
I ran across this article on the Beaumont Center website. It thoughtfully summarizes many challenges of coming out to wife and family. In particular, it speaks to the mourning felt by the wife over loss of the husband and the issues of trust that are eroded by the existence of a secret part of ones life, not disclosed early in the realtionship.
http://95.131.64.55/~beaumont/downloads/Challenges.pdf
Jocee:
How do you balance the male vs. female roles in tour relationship with your wife? Are they discrete personas or has your life morphed into something of a male-female hybrid?
Quote from: Steph Eigen on August 09, 2016, 12:45:34 PM
How do you balance the male vs. female roles in tour relationship with your wife? Are they discrete personas or has your life morphed into something of a male-female hybrid?
They have morphed. I wear non-traditional scents typically marketed to women. My closet is 50/50 clothing wise. I wear caftan's in the winter and short sleep shirts in the summer. I wax every 6 weeks from top to bottom. I wear my nails long and get mani/pedis every few months (clear coat in the summer, toe color in the winter). I cry with the stupidest mushy scene in movies, and always have (which is one of the things she feel in love with). My ears are pierced.
I also have a very masculine sense of "right and wrong" and am very aggressive at times when I perceive that someone is on the wrong side of that. I'm a born and bred East Coast, so I drop the F-bomb all the time, have a biting sarcasm that you do not want to be on the wrong side of, and generally loud and obnoxious about things like the Red Sox and Patriots.....
Joanna
Great photo. You seem to have come to terms with all this quite well. Do you see yourself moving toward full MTF transition in the future?
Quote from: Steph Eigen on August 09, 2016, 01:22:40 PM
Great photo. You seem to have come to terms with all this quite well. Do you see yourself moving toward full MTF transition in the future?
Thanks and that is my current dilemma