Hello everyone.
I'm sorry but this is going to be kind of a long post, pre-warned.
Short background story:
I was 13 when I posted questions about transsexualism in different forums online. Ive thought about it ever since. Now I'm 22 I'm in nursing school, almost a RN. Early 2015 I met this boy, we fell in love. That happened whilst I was going through some rough ->-bleeped-<- with my mind. I was telling myself to transition before it's too late. I went to the doctors and I started to self-medicate. After 2 months on HRT I told my boyfriend who I fell in love with early 2015. It was summer 2015 when I told him. He got chocked and he broke up with me. I panicked and had a life crisis. I decided myself to stop HRT and stop going to see the doctors and trying to get back together with my X.
My X was everything I ever could ask for. Really. The only that was missing was me being my true.self (in my mind back then). At this day I still don't know who I am or who my true-self is. Anyhow - in a miraculous way I got back together with my X. With one promise, if my thoughts of me being TS again I'd tell him.
Thats basically the background you need.
So moving on. Shortly after we got back together I moved in with him and we lived together in a room. Since housing is hard in the city where I live. We lived there for 6 months. Then we got an awesome contract of our own. So we moved into a newly renovated apartment bought new furnitures and everything. We really started a life together.
Then it started to get rocky, we fought a lot. Basically about nothing but my temper for some reason is non-exsistant.
So we booked a trip. We booked a trip this summer to Asia. We went there for 1,5 months.I had been in Asia once before back in 2014, and had a blast - but thinking that it sucked being male. Back in 2014 I promised myself not to go back to Asia before I was my true-self. Although 2016 I went this trip with my boyfriend, still being male in a gay-relationship. I went on it with hopes that our rocky-road could mend.
After being with each other 24/7 for 1,5 months we fought even more. My thoughts of breaking up with him and do my transition became stronger. But after 1 week being home, we stopped fighting that much and everything got back to normal - the only thing thats different now, is that I'm wandering around the apartment thinking I want to transition thinking Im transgender.
( And oh I missed something. When we were in Asia - EVERYONE called me miss, and perceived me as a women. Which was kinda weird because I had hairy legs and I wore a tank top.. and sometimes I had no shirt.. It was just very weird. And my Boyfriend somehow got annoyed with me being perceived as a women. So eventually he had to discuss with me about my trans thoughts.. and I lied and said that I didn't have them that I was happy in the now. However I told him " But if I sometime feel like transitioning is the right thing to do, I will do it. " Then he basically said " Ok, I just don't know if I will be there if you decide to go through with it, but I will always love you". )
So I know that If I tell him he will probably break-up with me. The thought of that breaks my heart. He moving out, puts me in a hard position with finding a smaller apartment and everything. I don't know what I want in life. I don't know if I'm transgender, I don't know if Im male or female .. The only thing I know is that I want to belong somewhere.
Or well.. I do know that if I could choose male or female I'd go female. But being male transition to female makes it just so hard.
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2016 febuary I cut my hair https://postimg.org/image/cuwi0oh0n/ - everything to make me feel more male and make my TS thought go away. But April 2016 I decided to grow it out again and don't cut it at all.
https://postimg.org/image/5gidlpzy9/ - This is me and my boyfriend in Asia June 2016. I try to look as female as I could - he likes how I look but doesn't know my intentions to look female. My thoughts of me want to be female is all over the place.
Now august 2016 - I look like this https://postimg.org/image/4kr80ocfl/ - Don't mind the filter, I don't know how to use make up and I can't have make up in the house .. the filter helps me.
This is me late 2015 trying to look as female as I could too see how my end result would be: https://postimg.org/image/6s7i53bmv/
I'm sorry that it's all links but its worth looking into, because then it will be easier for you to reply this thread.
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To sum-up
So looking at my life-situation: I'm happy with my choice of career, Im in nursing school and at 24 I will be a fully-featherd Nurse anesthetist. I'm love my boyfriend and I know that I would spend my life with him if I could decide. I'm happy with where I'm living. I'm basically happy with everything except for my Transgender thoughts.
Before I decided transition last time I was very worried that I wouldn't get the bottom surgery, but now, today. When I think about transition its not that important to me anymore. I just wanna be myself somehow.. and I don't know who I am.
Like, last time when I wanted to transition I thought I would be isolated for a year or two, and then come out as a whole new person. Now I've come to realized that, that is not the case. I will always be who I am right now. I live one life, I'm already 22.
I don't know where I wanna come with this.. I need help, but I don't know what kind of help. God.
First I have some news for you. There reason they call miss is because your face is feminine even with a short haircut. Should you decide to transition, I think you will find it responds quickly to HRT and becomes even more feminine. At this point you need to see a gender therapist and discuss this in more detail than we can here. I know you are transgender but what will make you happy is still difficult to determine. What may help you is a couple of links. The first is our WIKI (https://www.susans.org/wiki/Transgender) where you will learn what transgender means. The second is "the transition channel" (https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCfO3B57E6NpIn-KsVjvmLLw) which a therapist will ask you some questions and may improve your understanding of yourself. Should you have any questions, feel free to post them on this thread.
Hey Dena, Thanks for quick response.
I would love to see a therapist. But in Sweden where I live you have to be sure. Like you have to see doctors whom you will need to convince if you are doubtful you most likely won't get HRT or anything. Thats the problem in Sweden. And I went to the gender therapists in Stockholm before - and just before I was going to get HRT from the doctors ( as I said I was self-medicating) I stopped seeing them. Since of what I said above. So if I'm going back there I can't regret myself. Last time I could just blame on having a rough time with family or something. But I have to be sure next time.
Quote from: SwedenMtf on August 07, 2016, 01:21:11 PM
Hey Dena, Thanks for quick response.
I would love to see a therapist. But in Sweden where I live you have to be sure. Like you have to see doctors whom you will need to convince if you are doubtful you most likely won't get HRT or anything. Thats the problem in Sweden. And I went to the gender therapists in Stockholm before - and just before I was going to get HRT from the doctors ( as I said I was self-medicating) I stopped seeing them. Since of what I said above. So if I'm going back there I can't regret myself. Last time I could just blame on having a rough time with family or something. But I have to be sure next time.
Are you sure about that being the case? Obviously they want to see some commitment, but stopping and starting is very reasonable, especially at 22, which is very young - young enough to still be in full time education. I'm sure that'd be factored in.
If you speak how you write, there would be no doubt that you weren't just messing around.
Im dying.
Hi! Im 26, post op and live in sweden :) please, feel free to post your email here if u wanna talk!
Lots of hugs!!