The reason i open this thread is because i basically wanted to say a few words.
As i say in the title i don't feel like i'm getting anywhere my transition. I look at my future life as a post-opp girl with a sense of longing; it just feels so far away, like it'll be years before i ever get there and i don't want to wait that long i would rather finish my transition in my twenties.
There are days where I feel like committing suicide and there are days where I just feel bitter and angry about the whole thing and i just don't know how to cope anymore, and I'm at the point in my life where i feel like if i reach my 30th birthday and i have not gotten anywhere further in my transition than i am at the time i posted this i will kill myself.
I'm well over 90% confident i were female in my past life and that i will be in my next. I just still feel bitter that i had to be a male in this one.
What I really hate the most is that I had to spend my entire childhood as a boy; I was robbed of my childhood and I've lost so many years of my life being somebody I'm not I really feel like that's the source of my feeling the way I feel now. I don't think i would feel half as bad as i do now if i'd transitioned during my early childhood.
You can't change the past and all you can do is work toward the future. In my case, my transition took 8 years. In year 4 I started HRT, about year 5.5 I moved into the feminine role and because of job loss, surgery was delayed until year 8. The truth is surgery is a graduation and surgery only changes what is between your legs. If you haven't built the life you want before surgery, it won't be waiting for you after surgery. I was fortunate that I was well into my new life before surgery.
I find dealing with bitterness and anger at being trans is a very difficult thing to do.
I get highly envious of cis-people (regardless of their gender), because they don't have to go through all the $h1t that we have to.
And I'm 13 years post-op!!
I look at all the money and time I've had to spend on this, then I look at my brother, sitting pretty in his big house with his great family and no debt, and I think (rightly or wrongly) that I'd be in a similar position as him if I hadn't been born trans.
I just have to try and push the bitterness aside, otherwise I know it will consume me and ruin my life.
Actually my 30th birthday was my transition deadline too, and it was the year I had my SRS.
I totally understand your feelings of having a wasted childhood, I look at young girls having fun and always turn away with sadness in my eyes.
Being trans is tough.
But as Dena says, the SRS is just one small part, transitioning is much more than that. My life as a female was already pretty sorted before my op. In the grand scheme of things, that was actually not such a big step as I had imagined it to be.
If you really want it, you'll get there, and it will be worth it in the end.
I'll always wish I had been cis though.
I'm at the point now that i really want to commit suicide. I don't want to live a long life and afraid i will off i don't kill myself now. But i'm also afraid of the so-called "consequences" of suicide if i do it. And therapy is not helping me. :(
I want to die then be reborn as a cis female.
Annaiyah, you've got plenty of time. I know how very impatient we can be. I've felt stalled out waiting to get HRT approval, and now I feel like the HRT changes and electrolysis work will take approximately forever. I'm 62, and I wouldn't be at all surprised if I had to finish up my transition as a senior citizen on Medicare. Yeah, I probably waited too long, but I didn't even figure out what my true nature as a transgender person was until after 30, and I buried it for the sake of others until I broke down earlier this year.
You're young and strong. What has happened before now is in the past, can't be changed, and so isn't worth worrying about. It's done, and forward is where to look. You have a future ahead of you. Don't turn your back on it. Make it yours.