Hey guys, so I am pre-op trans girl and I am 19 and to ask your opinion. Would appreciate to hear the guys' opinions too
So...I work in a call center and soon I am going to be in university.
While in the call center, there was a 21 year old guy, quite atttactive, doesn't know I am trans, who was always trying to mess up with me, kind of flirting. Asking what time I would leave, I work from 3 PM to 9 PM, he worked from 4 Pm to 10 PM.
Suddenly he left work and I saw him on fb, so I requested friendship and noticed he had a girlfriend but he started talking to me anyways two days after. He was suggesting I could come over at his house after work and then afterwards I would be close to work. I told him I was not comfortable with going too late and that I didn't know the zone, and was weirded out because he has a gf...but he is so attractive, I bet he thinks he can get just any girl. He said this was the way I could know him... he said I was making myself too difficult and that he knows I would feel good sleeping with him beside me. He proceed to say we would be all alone.
Then it got worse and he started asking if I was a virgin and if I smoked/drink, said I had to be more laid back and teaser, that I was being too uptight. I told him being a virgin or not (which I am btw) was none of his business, and that things had limits. He said that was why he was asking, because he was trying to understand what my limits were. He finally said to come over next weekend and that I wouldn't regret it, he would do no harm at all.
I know this is all bad...is he actually turned on by my.inexperience? I don't know why, but due to the kinds of work I have had, I seem to only attract unavailable men. I am 19 and really feel a bit naive and I am worried Ireject too many men, but I really hate these "come over to my house invites"...it makes me feel so cheap
So I shouldn't go right? What am I doing wrong, why do I only attract these kind of guys? I feel so bad about this kind of attention
Guys (around your age) that are in the military might be a safer bet.
My nephew's are about your age. The ones that joined the military are more mature and respectful than the ones whom had not.
Do not go! You are better that that. You will meet someone that treats the right way. No good man asks you over to his house first thing. A good man would take you out. Open doors for you. Hold your chair and etc... I still do those things for my wife. And no good man has a girlfriend and asks you for anything. And definitely does not talk about things like that before he has gotten to know you better. It's none of his business.
You are doing nothing wrong. There are a lot of bad ones out there for every good one. You might have to date a few before you find the right guy. The best ones happen when you are not expecting it. Ones who push for sex are not worth it. I actually turned my wife down the first time. I wanted it to be special the first time with her. If sex seems like the most important thing then that's a no. Just being around you should be what matters. You are beautiful and you should never settle. You deserve the best, don't you?
Norma is right. What's the hurry? You want to be with a guy who will at least have the potential of respecting you. This guy sounds like there is no chance of treating you right. Looks aren't everything. Wait and you will find someone who will appreciate you and not pressure you into doing what you are not comfortable with.
Moni
Yeah cut all contact with him. You shouldn't feel pressured to have sex; if a man can't understand that then move on. I'd also tell the gf about your conversations with him. She deserves to know the kind of man she's going out with.
Honestly? He sounds pretty shady. A gentleman does not behave in such a fashion. Even if you're not into monogamy (I'm not) you don't treat a lady like that. Let alone two. You can do better than being some horndog's booty call.
He's simply trying to get into your pants. I doubt by what you have said, that he would respect you even during sex.
I will echo everyone else on this one. The guy is not worth you're time. Beauty is sometimes only skin deep, and he sounds to me like he has an ugly inside. I like to give people chances to prove me wrong, but sometimes I have to follow my gut, especially with what information you put forth. If you do pursue a relationship with this guy, meet in a very public place, and notify his Girlfriend that you are doing it so she can catch him in the act. Then you will see the real him when he is caught.
If you're not into the guy don't do things like add him on facebook and chat to him on there about that sort of stuff.
'Escalation' of a situation like this goes both ways, and if you're not into him de-escalate the situation by limiting contact. Otherwise he will keep doing what he's doing until you tell him not to, going around to the guy's house will send a clear "yes I am into you" message. And if you keep sending that message because you're trying to appear cordial or something he will think you are a tease when you turn round and say no because you will have sent him the wrong 'messages'.
You don't like this kind of attention, so keep it at work and don't reciprocate or even discuss the topic with him.
This guy sounds like a lousy creep. Don't let him "neg" you into doing something you're uncomfortable with. You should also think about your safety in situations like this. What if he got you alone at his house and he raped you? His interest in your work schedule frankly scares me. If he won't stop pursuing you I would go to HR and file a complaint.
When I was 19 and presented female I got hit on by lousy creeps in public places, you know, basically everywhere. Some creepy men hit on teenage women because they know that you have been socialized to be "nice" and not say no and they think they can coerce you and you won't complain. Usually they are not doing so well with women their own age because they have poor social skills. Or in this case they are just a cheater who is looking to "score". He doesn't really care what he says to you as long as it gets you in bed.
Protect your personal information and boundaries! Some men are violent freaks--don't become a statistic.
girl if the guy has a bf, why bother? unless you like that. do what makes you think is best for yourself.
I agree with pretty much everything that's been said above. But there's another aspect of the situation that you need to think about very carefully (sadly):
Quote from: Aurorasky on August 15, 2016, 07:20:35 AM
Hey guys, so I am pre-op trans girl... there was a 21 year old guy... doesn't know I am trans,
Let's look at this situation: if you were to go round his place, you know he'd pile on the pressure to make you sleep with him. After all, that is the only reason why he's invited you around.
And do you have any idea how he'll react when he discovers you're trans? Because that
will happen.
He sounds like the sort of douche who will do and say anything to pressure a woman into sleeping with him. And as soon as you give in, he's going to get very handsy and he's going to want to grope you downstairs. What happens then? You're alone in his place, the door's probably locked and he has the keys... and if he reacts badly, what will you do? Even if you escape that situation unharmed, what stories will he spread round the call centre? You might be lucky: he might be fine with it & you could wind up having a great time. But can you be sure of that? This is why so many of us disclose our status to potential sexual partners before we meet them in private.
Sadly, there are guys (thankfully a minority) who treat women like notches on their bedposts. Women don't actually mean anything to them: they're just a way for the guy to get his rocks off. So they learn all the things to say & do that will charm a woman into sleeping with them, and as soon as he's got what he wants he'll discard you like yesterday's newspaper. He's not turned on by your inexperience: he sees you as an easy target because he believes that your inexperience makes it more likely that he'll be able to coerce you into giving him what he wants. Trust me, anyone who's ever presented as an attractive female will have come across these guys many, many times. They're very pushy but they quickly move onto the next target as soon as they realise they're not getting anywhere with you (but not before trying to make you feel guilty for turning them down, of course).
Hey, if you fancy a quick fling with an attractive guy, with no strings attached, then this is the guy for you. But it doesn't sound like that's your thing. You're still relatively young at 19 and I daresay you're early in your career. The best thing to do if you want to attract the right sort of guy is to concentrate on your studies, your hobbies and your career. Work on fulfilling your own hopes, dreams and aspirations, and when you're ready the right guy will come along and he won't be able to resist you. ;D
Be careful hugs Shannon
Oh, please don't. If this person is just looking for another notch in the bedpost, and discovers you have a little something extra, there could be a really bad reaction. Worse, in 49 of the 50 US states, Trans-panic is still a valid defense.
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gay_panic_defense
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Murder_of_Gwen_Araujo
Please, please be careful.
To quote many a GG friend, "All guys are scum"
I cannot argue with that, mostly. Males are wired far differently then we are. Like Bees their role in the world is to pollinate as many flowers as possible.
Knowing guys all too well as I do.... He wants to pollinate. He wants to fulfill the "Prime Directive"
Don't do it! If he has a gf and wants to hook up with you regardless, what does that tell you about him? Obviously he doesn't care about anyone but himself.
It's rude what he is doing to his gf and more importantly, if you give in, you may end up putting yourself in a dangerous situation. He could turn out to be violent once he finds out that you are trans.
Find someone more respectful.
Here's something many women don't consider before getting with a guy that is already taken: Would you be okay with your (hypothetical) boyfriend seeing other women? Do you not think he would do the same to you, should he decide to leave his current gf for you? Not to mention, he doesn't know you're trans. He may freak out because he's expecting something different.
Don't get caught up in the whirlwind of emotions, here. Think. Get to know him better. Be sure that you're sending the signals you want him to receive. If you were him, how would you take being added as a friend on FB and flirting irl?
What does he want? What do you want? I think we all know the answers to these questions. Being young, it's difficult to know certain things without ever having experienced them, either first-hand or vicariously. Tread with caution, please. Guys typically don't think past the tip of their heads, at that age.
I am not going guys, thanks for the help, I just needed to vent
I am afraid I will never get a man who will love me
Quote from: Aurorasky on August 15, 2016, 07:20:35 AM
Hey guys, so I am pre-op trans girl and I am 19 and to ask your opinion. Would appreciate to hear the guys' opinions too
So...I work in a call center and soon I am going to be in university.
While in the call center, there was a 21 year old guy, quite atttactive, doesn't know I am trans, who was always trying to mess up with me, kind of flirting. Asking what time I would leave, I work from 3 PM to 9 PM, he worked from 4 Pm to 10 PM.
Suddenly he left work and I saw him on fb, so I requested friendship and noticed he had a girlfriend but he started talking to me anyways two days after. He was suggesting I could come over at his house after work and then afterwards I would be close to work. I told him I was not comfortable with going too late and that I didn't know the zone, and was weirded out because he has a gf...but he is so attractive, I bet he thinks he can get just any girl. He said this was the way I could know him... he said I was making myself too difficult and that he knows I would feel good sleeping with him beside me. He proceed to say we would be all alone.
Then it got worse and he started asking if I was a virgin and if I smoked/drink, said I had to be more laid back and teaser, that I was being too uptight. I told him being a virgin or not (which I am btw) was none of his business, and that things had limits. He said that was why he was asking, because he was trying to understand what my limits were. He finally said to come over next weekend and that I wouldn't regret it, he would do no harm at all.
I know this is all bad...is he actually turned on by my.inexperience? I don't know why, but due to the kinds of work I have had, I seem to only attract unavailable men. I am 19 and really feel a bit naive and I am worried Ireject too many men, but I really hate these "come over to my house invites"...it makes me feel so cheap
So I shouldn't go right? What am I doing wrong, why do I only attract these kind of guys? I feel so bad about this kind of attention
I know it is kind of exciting but don't compromise on you principles. You're 19. There is no hurry. You want a relationship not wam bam thankyou mam. You will need someone to give you support and good looks will not probably cover that, I don't imagine this guy fills the bill. You will have enough disappointments in life why create one where none exists. Good Luck.. This is the same advice I would and have given my children.
You will find someone to love you. This guy is not the one. It just takes a little time. for some 25 years.
Michelle_P and jujubes1986 gave the most logical advice, and any other advice I'd never recommend. First, for your own safety, never ever even come close to any kind of intimate relationship with someone who does not know your sex and your gender. Don't even go on an ice cream date with someone who doesn't know who you are. It's first of all misleading and deceiving towards them, plus it's really risky for you. I don't care who the person is, the first thing you should tell them straightaway, maybe even before they know your name, is your sex and gender. Secondly, it's entirely a million percent up to you who you want to date and what you'd like to do on said date. It's entirely your prerogative and your choice. I know that you're asking for advice and everyone here seems to be doing what they can to offer their opinion, however, it's really entirely your choice. I can't offer you parenting advice because I'm not your parent. I can however offer you people advice, and that advice is to do what you think is ideal for you. My mate is the stereotypical dude always craving sex, so it's a common thing and doesn't mean you can't have a successful relationship with a man like that. In fact, it's much more ideal than to enter into a relationship with someone dull. Like I said though already, it's all just a matter of opinion and the only person qualified to answer your question is you. Cheers Darln.
Well, it seems like you've already made up your mind, but yeah, that guy sounds pretty creepy and all of that behavior kind of borders on harassment. Asking someone who you haven't even properly hung out with if they're a virgin and making other really forward remarks is a pretty big red flag. And sadly, yeah, I can't imagine this would be the type of guy that would be very understanding that you're trans either. Good for you not going. I'm sure you can find someone more worthwhile than
that.
Quote from: Micki on August 30, 2016, 09:28:25 AM
First, for your own safety, never ever even come close to any kind of intimate relationship with someone who does not know your sex and your gender. Don't even go on an ice cream date with someone who doesn't know who you are. It's first of all misleading and deceiving towards them, plus it's really risky for you. I don't care who the person is, the first thing you should tell them straightaway, maybe even before they know your name, is your sex and gender.
I have to strongly disagree with this if you're saying what I think you're saying. You shouldn't have to disclose your transgender status to everyone you meet.
There's a way to compromise your safety. It's really none of their business unless sex is on the table. The whole "misleading and deceptive" thing is frankly derogatory.
Definitely a bad idea, which you already came to the conclusion of yourself. Don't fret be yourself and have confidence and the rest will come in time.
Quote from: Aurorasky on August 29, 2016, 04:52:44 PM
I am not going guys, thanks for the help, I just needed to vent
I am afraid I will never get a man who will love me
Thank GOODNESS! Your story just creeped me-out BIG time! Like when would your story show-up on "48 hours?"
And as for your concern: YES you will. And he will sweep you off your feet & love you for who you are AND aren't. I hazard to say most of us here are older than 19 (most a LOT older), and frankly, YOU'VE got the jump ON US: We've burned-up a lot of our years, destroyed or lost loves, created enemies (friends come & go; enemies are forever), and have our regrets. Sad. Pretty faces come & go, and even nice faces age. We all do. My advice: Search his heart. Someone who truly loves you. Willing to mature with you. And as he ages, you can honestly look him in the eye (even when he's asleep) and realize: Hey! What's up? He's getting cuter (real loves DO!) over time. Don't rush. Your choice to transition didn't occur overnight. Such an important decision as to whom you share your life with shouldn't take just overnight, either. If he can't accommodate your wishes, your concerns, your wants... forget him! Those guys just get UGLY with time... and that doesn't take long AT ALL.
Quote from: Aurorasky on August 29, 2016, 04:52:44 PM
I am not going guys, thanks for the help, I just needed to vent
I am afraid I will never get a man who will love me
"Never" is a very long time, sweetie. There's a saying, "A lid for every pot", it just takes time to find the right person. Make it easier on yourself by looking at the person's character rather than their body...looks fade over time.
This guy would've gotten the boot from me the moment I saw he was in a relationship...if he's willing to cheat on her, then he'll be willing to cheat on you.