Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Around grade 1 or 2 (between ages 6 and eight) is when I first remember having any feelings of "unhappiness" about my assigned sex. I distinctly remember writing a journal entry for class at some point about how I wished I was born a girl. My teacher discouraged those kind of thoughts by commenting something along the lines of, "you make a good boy."

This didn't upset me. I didn't feel as if I was trapped in the wrong body, and I didn't have any intense dysphoria. At the time, I had no idea what transgender people were. I didn't know transgender people existed, etc.

I imagine it would have felt like wishing I was born with the ability to fly. It probably seemed like something that belonged in the realm of pure fantasy, and so I never dwelled on it for long.

In middle school, I started developing an intense fascination with androgyny. This is also around the time when I started becoming interested in girls, and I preferred girls who wore their hair very short, who were flat-chested, who didn't shave their body hair, etc. I became interested in gothic fashion, especially the "effeminate/pretty-boy" aesthetic. I also became interested in artist's like Marilyn Manson who played with androgyny. To sum it up, I really liked the idea of "masculine" women and "feminine" men.

Around this time, I started developing an intense aversion toward puberty. I did a lot of research into castration and becoming a eunuch, but realized eventually that I would not be able to safely perform the operation myself (something I strongly considered for a long time), nor would I be able to find a qualified professional who would do it considering my age. Again, it seemed silly to dwell on it past this realization, and it promptly got put to the back of my mind again.

In high school I started to get this idea that I was a "real" man because only "real men" would have the confidence to be themselves, especially when they didn't fit a stereotypical "masculine" identity. I started experimenting with makeup and mimicking styles more commonly associated with women (capri pants, 3/4 length sleeve tops, bright pink clothes). I was made fun of, but I absolutely reveled in this. I loved being different.

It's hard to say, especially now, but I think in high school I actually became okay with the idea that I was born male. I seemed to be happy with my identity as an effeminate guy. I didn't have any thoughts that I can remember about my gender in regards to questioning.

Fast forward to many years later ... At this point I'm 26 years old, I've had a daughter, and I'm no longer with her mother. This particular lady and I were kind of swingers, so I had a lot of experience seeking partners as the male half of a couple. I had tried using dating sites a little before, as a single male, but had literally zero success. In the wake of our break up, I decided to try making a singles profile on the same site we had the most success with.

This trivial activity was THE crucial moment for me. Now that I had to describe myself without the context of being in a relationship, I really felt the need to include something along the lines of, "If what you're looking for is 'a man', I can guarantee that you will not be happy being with me."

For days afterwards, this was all I could think about: What does that mean?

A lot of memories (the things I mentioned earlier in this post) came flooding back to me. I started to think that maybe the stereotypical narrative of feeling like you were born in the wrong body doesn't apply to all transgender people. Maybe just the fact that I wish I was born something other than what I was means I'm transgender.

I decided to embrace this fully, and came out immediately to everyone as a transgender woman, despite not even being sure or confident. I began seeking HRT, because I knew real-life experience would not help me determine anything without actually being on hormones too.

Fortunately, this ended up being a good call. I remained unsure up until I had been on hormones for a couple of weeks, at which point I knew ... This feels right.

ive always been effiminate.. but i never crossdressed as a kid... i played with dolls... at a young age i knew i like boys/men... i knew this cuz i had a crush on one of my friend's older cousin. in grade 10 i started plucking my eyebrows and started putting make up on... i started to wear tight tshirts and flared pants... i guess this was my starting point to crossdress... oh and i love my spice girls shoes... but i never wore dresses or anything tho... then i transferred to an LGBT classroom (triangle program) here in Toronto Canada and thats when i learned about transgender people and hrt... so once i became 18... i went to the doctors and got myself hormones... but they didnt give it to me till i was 19...

Omg as long as I can remember I dreamt about going to bed and waking up as a girl. What really sparked it was seeing of all things was ace Ventura which is also why I hid it so well for so many years that is when I learned  it was possible for a man to become a girl and things seemed right but also the ridicule that was obvious in the movie made me turn it into a deep dark secret for the nex 15 years when all of a sudden I found the Internet and was able to put a name to it but it also took me almost another 10 years before I realized it was a serious problem and that I may end up committing suicide if I don't transition and being a child of a parent that did that I couldn't put my kid through it so out I came.

As far as cross dressing goes I had a couple of instances where I was caught and shamed into believing it was wrong so I got really good at hiding it. I was a stealth cross dressing machine lol


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When i was young i remember saying things like "Dad when am i going to grow a beard" or "Can i get a mohawk?"
I wanted stereotypical male toys but i was always told "No" to everything else because i was a girl, i conformed i didn't know or understand i couldn't put it together so i grew up as a tomboy and just lived my life up until around 19 then i started looking into things and slowly realizing who i actually was inside 20 is the age it really hit me that i was trans.
 

Last year. I guess I have had thoughts, urges and desires for at least 42 years before that. However, knowing, last year.

I knew since I was 11 since that was what was in my mind.  I discovered the name for it and that I wasn't the only one at age 15 when I was looking in a Hustler magazine. :-(. Information was not plentiful in those days.

This will seem really weird to most of yall I'd bet.

I realized... two weeks after I turned off the Testosterone for the first time.  (btw; the result of the antiandrogen was so profound, it terrified me, took me three tries of the startup to keep going.)   Before then, my brain was a chaotic horror show playing 24/7...

When the show closed; I could see.  Every peaceful, calm, enjoyable experience in my childhood was feminine or feminine stereotype.   Every.  Single. One.    I bonded to every female role model I had, I learned everything they could show me, desperately hungry for each bit.

I am the very beginning. It is all still very new, and raw.

My searching found answers that I wasn't expecting (that I was trans), and in doing so, everything in my past snapped into clear focus. I became awake, and realised what had been hidden in plain sight.

I also recently saw a photo myself, and realised, that it is highly visible on the outside too. That was a shock and a half.

I've learned enough over that last 14 weeks or so to be able to stop reeling (thank you everyone for putting up with me so far :) ), but have a very long way to go.

Sno.

I have wondered for most of my life, but managed somehow to convince myself that the answer had to be "no way".  You would think I would have caught on at some point that, if the answer really had been no, then I wouldn't have kept wondering!

What changed my mind and got me investigating whether the answer might really be "yes" was attending a lecture last year by an astrophysicist who happened to be transgender.  The lecture was brilliant, all about some new leading-edge research, and the audience was in a buzz about it afterwards.  What struck me was the total lack of comments about the presenter.  It was all about her ideas.  Her gender identity, while obvious to anyone who was paying attention, was a total non-issue for these people.

That, more than anything, got me thinking that maybe this was a viable path for me: that it was possible to be transgender and not be perceived as a freak.  (No guarantees, I know.)  Within a month, I had signed up here at Susan's.  Within about three months after that, I realized that the transgender label really did fit me quite well.

I've realized that I'm trans* one step at a time, and years apart.  I remember that I was around 8 the first time, and I first heard(from another kid) that there is a definite physical difference between boys and girls.  I got angry and yelled at them, and insisted that boys and girls are just alike.  I didn't get why it was so important to think that I was exactly like the girls.
       When I was 18(had just started dating my wife then), I thought that I'm an adult now, but still don't feel like a man.  So I told her outright that I'm a girl with a guy's body.(Growing up in a very church filled environment in a southern state, I had no idea what trans* people were at that time.) But still I stated my gender identity and then just didn't know what else to do with it and kind of let it fade from my mind.
        But, as of about a year ago I have had a pretty clear Idea of what trans* is, and that taking hormones actually causes the physical changes that it does.  I went from wearing a little makeup sometimes(guyliner), to wearing full faces of it.  And everyday I stare at tons of women that have bodies and faces that I would do almost anything to have.  It's pretty funny to me that the one thing that made it all unbearable was just the knowledge that there is something I could do to improve my situation.

I knew something was different when I was around eight.  I was never interested in playing or roughhousing and especially sports.  I never played with dolls, either male or female but I was always very technical and mechanically inclined.  I have always been effeminate with long hair and a high voice.  My father used to introduce me as his daughter. 

Well fast forward to the eighties and I used to live on and off as a woman as I had a super understanding (and into it) girlfriend.  I could always get away with the bleached hair and woman's boots with the claim that I was an artist.  Then my father saw me out as a woman.  Well, he was shocked, but as a full on woman VS hiding in plain site, there really was not much difference.  He said he did not want me to embarrass him so I toned it down.  Computer career took off and I thought of transitioning in the mid nineties and went through a lot of hell because of it.  Ended up living the straight life until I finally said, who am I kidding?

The funny part about my father is that no matter what I did, he always saw parts of himself in me (the male part?) and ended up kind of joking about my 'issue'.  My mom, of course, knew.  She just did not understand the difference between a fetish and full on dysphoria.

So, here we are. 

I am in the process of soon notifying work of some changes coming!

Quote from: KathyLauren on August 16, 2016, 06:51:40 PM
I have wondered for most of my life, but managed somehow to convince myself that the answer had to be "no way".  You would think I would have caught on at some point that, if the answer really had been no, then I wouldn't have kept wondering!

YES! This for me too ...

Loving all these stories, everyone. Thank you for sharing! :)

I think I had the desire to be female at a very early age.  I remember being dressed as female by a couple of older girls who babysat me at age 6-7, and enjoying that, or at least being the center of attention.  I remember climbing into the back of Moms closet at an early age to try on shoes.  And, sadly, I remember some pretty unpleasant events that culminated in testosterone shots at age 15.

When I could think straight again, early in college, I thought I had been cured or grown out of my 'perversion'.  (Remember, this was the late 50s and 60s.)  I met my future wife, and we fell in love and married a couple years later.

In my late 20s 'the urge' returned, and I fantasized about cross-dressing.  In my early 30s, while at work as an engineer, we were interviewing folks for a new position.  One of the applicants was a woman, unfortunately obviously early in transition with beard problems by the end of our all-day interview process.  I remember vividly sitting in the interview session, feeling a little bad about her discomfort, and thinking "She's so brave to be doing this.  I wish I could be that brave."  Wait.  WHAT?

That's pretty much when I knew.  The transition process was obviously not that great, and I was married with small children, so I essentially gave up hope, tried to bury the impulse, and went about my life of passing as male.  I dressed in secret from time to time, going through the usual purge cycles, regret, withdrawal from dressing, and so on.  The drive and my suppression slowly corroded away my mental state until I broke down early this year.

I'm better now, even if those around me don't want to admit it.

I'd never much liked sport & would often daydream about starting school as a girl. This was in the 60s & 70s Britain,I was 13 when I was given a bag of my Mum & sister's old clothes to take to the church jumble sale,  something made me take out the best ones for myself!I was often bullied & disliked fighting (I started to fight back shortly after when I picked up some tips from one of my few friend's brother who was a soldier & a library book ).
Outwardly I was a typical teenage brat, a real PITA who got drunk & got into fights(I quickly learned fighting & drinking don't mix if you want to win). I had a lot girlfriends & from 19 when I plucked up the courage, flings with men as well.
One November in 1978 shortly after my 21st birthday (by now I was a bad ass pool shooting, hard drinking, speed & weed using, girl (& boy) chasing, muscle car (327 Chevelle) driving, Triumph riding biker who listened to metal). It was the start of a very cold winter & I was working on my 63 Triumph T100ss, it was so cold I worked 1 hour on 15 minutes off & came into the house to warm up. I started reading the paper & there was a lurid story of how a burly sailor changed into a glamourous lady. It was like a bucket of cold water was thrown over me, I realised these feelings were here to stay.

Michelle, I'm struck by your comment:

Quote from: Michelle_P on August 16, 2016, 10:40:52 PM
I remember vividly sitting in the interview session, feeling a little bad about her discomfort, and thinking "She's so brave to be doing this.  I wish I could be that brave."  Wait.  WHAT?

I feel this way every time  I read a story of mustering the courage to come out to family and friends facing the potential for rejection and hurt, forging ahead with HRT and surgeries. I am humbled by the honesty to self and bravery inherent in each story. 

I, like many others,  am stuck in that same place at similar age you describe prior to your decision to transition. What was it that gave you the courage and will to begin transition?  Was there a particular event or need that drove the process and gave you the courage to transition, particular to this time in your life, not present in the past? 

I'm hoping I can learn from your experience...  please forgive me if I am too inquisitive or personal.

There were signs back in my childhood that something wasn't quite normal, although while in high school I tried to be very manly and wore western shirts, cowboy boots and chewed tobacco.  When I got into my 20's there were more indications and they got more numerous over the years.  I honestly thought I was just a little perverted when I wore certain women's clothes and certain thoughts and desires about being female.

It wasn't until around 4 or 5 years ago that I was reading a magazine article about a "man" very similar to me who was married with teenage children.  I was really sucked into and engrossed in the article and there were a couple of paragraphs that described me and my feelings so perfectly that I had a feeling come over me like a wave of water that took my breath away and left me stunned.  I made an appointment with a therapist and she concluded that I was trans.  Never before had I ever questioned my gender, and thought I just had these strange desires.

There still isn't a day that goes by that I don't wonder if I really am just a pervert, but the fact is, I began HRT over 4 months ago, and I sure feel good on E.  Unlike many people, it took me a long time to figure things out.  It is an apparent fact that has been difficult for me to accept, but until I can come up with a better explanation, I guess I really am.  I suppose I thought that being trans was something that might occur in other people, but the probability that I might be was so small that it was statistically unlikely.

Quote from: KathyLauren on August 16, 2016, 06:51:40 PM
I have wondered for most of my life, but managed somehow to convince myself that the answer had to be "no way".  You would think I would have caught on at some point that, if the answer really had been no, then I wouldn't have kept wondering!

This is how I felt too, and I finally accepted it when I was 25, and I knew that I would eventually transition; which turned out to be in 2007 (just before my 44th birthday) when I went full time, but I was on HRT for a few years before then, and had an unsuccessful transition attempt in 1998 when I was 35.

Lots of moving stuff above.

I just did. I had a neighbour who was trans, and an innate sense that she was what I would have to do.

But what I don't get - I came from a really liberal family, where anything was ok 'as long as you're happy' - and I just didn't do anything about it. No shame, no disappointment. I'll be really brutal and hope nobody is offended - disgust. That is what I felt. Not for other people, they can do what they like. But for me.

Revulsion. At the thought of surgery (I hate even giving blood), at being pitied (shouted at in hostility I can more than deal with), etc. I don't like conflict - I hate it - but if it's brought to my door, or done in front of me to someone, I'll enter it, on any level - I'll take it harder and lower than it would've gone otherwise. And not even on a male 'prove yourself' level - that if anything would make me drop it. Just on a 'go away and never come back' level.

I can come up with a couple of excuses as to doing nothing about it - I went to a very posh day school, things like that - but nothing that explains my abject horror of what was really going on. And it was (still is) abject horror, although the silent screaming panic has lessened since I admitted to myself and a therapist, and subsequently family and friends.

I can see certain points in hindsight where I could've and should've done something. Most prominently at the age of 15. But I just wanted it to go away. Obviously at 15, nothing is going away, it's all starting. And you've already had three or four years of attraction and knowing exactly why and what you're attracted to.

Obviously that's not something that's discussed, so like a couple of others above, I thought, maybe fantasy is just fantasy. Maybe everyone has strange conflicted attraction to the Italian school star football player, where they have to be female in order for it to work. Who knows! Maybe everyone cries when they find out their friend has had him instead. Who knows!

I had an openly gay friend who used to wax lyrical about this guy. I never did, I just listened, because my fantasy was very far from that. And rammed home when my friend rang during the summer holidays to tell me she'd shagged him. That was a really painful phonecall, and one of the few during my entire teens that didn't last a good couple of hours. I couldn't wait to hang up.

I used to look at myself in the mirror for hours and say, well, as long as that doesn't change much I can cope, as long as that bit doesn't expand into male territory I can cope, providing nothing like going bald happens, I could probably cope. Ha - all about coping, nothing about living. I knew what I'd need in order to live well rather than 'have a good time, some of the time'.

The most devastating part of my teens was having to buy a razor for my face. I was completely horrified by that, thought it was the most disgusting experience, and like being psychologically slapped across the face every morning, before you've even left the house. Thank god I never did go bald, or have a brow (instinctively I knew the brow was the thing, and the feature that would damage me/take me into 'no way' territory. Oddly, it's the feature I find most appealing in men...

And on men, I went through a couple of hundred. Clearly they wanted a gay partner which I couldn't give them. The only ones I could enjoy and see again were ones who left certain body parts well alone. And of those, those who just did, rather than being guided away or outright told not to. Brutally, I could cut a couple of hundred down to about six, which kind of feels offensive to them, because there was nothing wrong with them.

On that rough number, friends who know it have expressed some disbelief about all this. Everyone else has said 'oh that makes sense, it all fits now' but those who know me primarily via that route have invariably said 'but you're a complete slut, I thought you loved it'. No, and I'd been born as I knew I should've been, you could easily knock a zero off the grand total, and that would be in the ballpark of what I'm actually comfortable with. And the sexual response mechanism - the warm up, the nipple orgasm, etc - is clearly not what most gay men are after, so on a fundamental level, it never worked.

I can think of about three people it worked with. One of whom I was so horrible to he emigrated to Australia. I still wish now that I could just apologize and explain, because he was lovely, and exactly what I would've picked if I'd been born female - tall, dark, handsome, brilliant in bed, so stupidly generous we used to argue about it. He had perfect long black eyelashes framing these lazy dark eyes. I really miss him. I would walk to Australia just for the chance to apologize and explain. I hope he's happy.

Another that I met in GAY Astoria, which was a big gay club in central London years ago. We had a sexual relationship that fizzled into a friendship. For reasons obvious enough to me. When I told him everything, he came to see me - he took four days off work to talk it all through. He said he'd never been anything but gay, and found women sexually off putting, but he'd make an exception. That was lovely, but neither of us would be happy with that.

And a workman, a few years younger than me, who had just got married and didn't really want to be. With the body of a workman who'd spent most of summer doing hard work outside. A really gentle guy who'd give a good time while having one, and then get to the better part - skinning up a joint and generally looking amazing while doing it wearing nothing. I wanted my flat at the time to be like his sanctuary, as much as it was mine. That worked for a while, and I do love a man with a Liverpool accent.

All connected by their fantastic tans, height, pretty but still very male faces - all good brows, great bodies - and a bit hairy, top notch sexual skill, quirky little habits, broad outlook, a level of kindness that is innate rather than to get what they want. Yes, I definitely have a type. There were a handful of others from that cohort, including a couple who guessed the T thing (who were ordered straight out of the door for their impertinence), but those are the three who I owe for a brilliant non gendered time.

On a more superficial level, I knew on every level. I'd go shopping for my mothers birthday or whatever - standing in Jimmy Choo, and in heaven/hell and having to get her size instead of mine. Congratulating friends on their pregnancies, going to their weddings. And the only thing making me feel better was 'I wouldn't have a baby with your husband if he was the last man alive/I wouldn't be seen dead wearing that'. Which are not nice things to think about good friends, but it was all I had. And if I didn't do anything, it'd be all I'd ever have.

I didn't have any problems around 'rough housing' or anything like that. The vast majority of my friends were girls, but I was as happy climbing a tree or breaking into a construction site as I was with a Barbie or sitting in a circle. I hated the way women were treated and stereotyped from the age I could observe such things, it was a really deep discomfort. I hate the way men are stereotyped too come to that, but that's not it as you've all experienced.

Apologies for the length of this post.

I always have been different from the other boys,and it got worse at 13 when I developed as a girl,my problem is men don't do nothing for me,I'm attracted to women. I was lucky I found a woman who can put up with the dressing,but she won't tolerate me doing hrt or grs,im fine with that for I never had gential dysphoria for to me I have the perfect strap on.

i was about 8 or 9 and i tried on me mums things and it felt comfortable but i didn't have a name for it so i kept it to myself till about 12 i dreamed of being a woman then i confided in a friend and realized who i was after that years of internet research until i came out. in retrospect i wish i commited at 12.  cheers
Alice

I see so much of myself in these posts - it's uncanny. So here is my deal:

I came to the realization that I am trans (and transitioning) slowly over the course of many years. I've always had a strong aversion to anything masculine like sports or male-coded clothing. I identified with the girls way more than the boys. I have an older sister so I would steal her clothes to see how I looked in them. I also just knew that this was something shameful and that I could never tell anyone.

My urge to crossdress - that's all I though it was - would come and go, sometimes for a year or more. When I went off to college it came back with a vengeance. I started to read up on what my condition was. I pulled every book on it off the stacks at the school library. For the first time I considered living my life as a woman. The idea terrified me. It was like looking up at an enormous mountain, one that would take forever to climb, and then seeing that there were even taller peaks beyond it and more beyond them. I decided that I could never pull it off.

I did the opposite. I settled down with my girlfriend. We moved to the big city. Got married, had kids. I really thought this would cure me, and it did! (ha ha) I would tell myself that there were 1000 reasons not to do it. "Only a small percentage of trans folk transition" I would say, or "Nothing is more feminine than self sacrifice, so at least there is that".

I started going out to TG nights as Lucy back in '04. This worked for a long time, until it didn't anymore. I tried on a few identities like genderqueer along the way. It was early spring 2015 when I finally realized that I couldn't fight my dysphoria anymore. It was never going away. It was in fact getting worse. I admitted to myself what I am, again, and decided to do something about it this time.

And here I am.

I have known since before I can remember. Long before I started kindergarten. I grew up in a traditional family in central Ohio, my mom stayed home and took care of us kids, while dad was traveling most of the time to pay for that. I wish I had the courage to say something. So many times throughout life I had the opportunity to do something, to make that change and instead have taken the 'easy' road. So here I am at 38 having another crisis because I should have said something when I was small and did not. Family acceptance was everything as I was very, very ill as a child and petrified of my parents shunning or abandoning me. Absolutely a baseless fear, but as a kid that acceptance is super important.

How exactly did I know? Because really everything that I identified with was wrong. At day camp, I hung out with the girls and wore their lipstick, I preferred to play with their toys, and I even snuck one of my girl friends dresses home with me - first time wearing girls clothes was around 5 or 6, right before kindergarten. I once made a call to 911 at the age of maybe 6 or 7, right when 911 was new and every other ad on tv was telling you about it, and asked how to become a girl (somehow my parents never found out, which is shocking in retrospect!). I had absolutely no interest in the normal 'boy' things, which made me 'weird' and a target at school so I learned to cope and survive by fitting in with the norm. Video games are boring so I learned to cross stitch at 8 or so. I got involved in sports that are unisex like soccer and actually got really good in short track speed skating... which I initially was attracted to because of the spandex uniforms! I took home ec in middle school as an 'elective'. All the signs were there but I was not strong enough to stand up for myself and my parents looked the wrong way. Almost got caught once as a teenager which was really funny. I worked at a boy scout camp and we had a costume party and guess what I went as! yep even got an award lol.

I have been diagnosed by several therapists over the years, and told that I will have a very hard time surviving without doing something about it and it seems they were right!

As an adult this has shaped self preservation behavior and now I have a child and am so hyper sensitive to when my son talks about girls and the way he acts, the fact that he sometimes wants a toy that would be considered a girl toy, and that one time when he said he wished he was a girl was a total hoot trying to understand - is he just jealous or is that how he really feels.

I was being dressed up by my sisters when I was knee high to a grasshopper, and then dressing myself up in my sisters' clothes around the age of 8 or 9, it was so long ago I don't really remember. Any ways, in the late 60's, after I had heard of Rene Richards and Christine Jorgenson, I realized that could be me. Sure enough, here I am now! :icon_biggrin:


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I'm one of the least self aware people on the planet.

I crossdressed on and off as a kid, but the fact I was "borrowing" family members clothes, the fear of being found out and the fact that by my late teens I was quite a bit bigger than any women I knew, put an end to it.

In my mid thirties, I don't quite know what started it, but I started thinking about crossdressing again, how much I'd liked it when I was younger.  Only now I could buy my own things!  I started thinking about what I could get, how I could get it.   Then I did something I'd never done before, I started thinking about WHY I wanted to crossdress.  Started thinking about various events through my life, and how I'd felt about them, how puberty affected me, etc.  I remembered all the events scattered through my life where I felt more comfortable or identified more as female.

Over the course of a few months, things started clicking together and I started to realise I might be trans.

I went online, started finding information, communities, Susan's, etc.   I started taking HRT about 11 weeks ago, and here I am.  No regrets so far.

I think realizing being a trans-something has been a (life)long process as it is for many of our kind.

I remember when I was about five, I wanted to wear some of my grandma's skirts that I saw around her house. I was also interested in playing with dolls and doll's houses in kindergarten. Of course that kind of behaviour wasn't very appropriate for boys, at least in the early 80's (yes, girly boys will be gay when they grow up).

In my late childhood and through my whole youth and adulthood I occasionally had ideas and fantasies about being a girl and dressing like one. Sometimes I even modified some cheap boy t-shirts and other old clothes into some kind of girl's clothes and wore them during my secret moments.

Nearly ten years ago I entered some more serious level in my identity, and I ordered real women's clothes online, and in 2008 I even had an idea of living as woman inside my apartment and presenting male when in outside world (got married soon after that, so I'm still closeted now).

Couple of years ago I admitted to myself: "Ok then, I'm a crossdresser and that's it for life", but my trans-identity has been growing clearer all the time, and these thoughts and feelings have been quite serious for last 2-3 years. Internet has been an enormous help and source of information during these times. In some way I'm towards transitioning now, still don't know how and when, but I'm on the way.

Full comfirmation was when I was 16 watching Dont say goodbye by Paulina Rubio

I knew of my affinity for other women/girls from a very early age. I really did not understand it. There was very little information at anyone's fingertips on the subject back then. You had to be committed to doing the research at the library, consulting professionals etc.

As a young athlete, i was surrounded by boys. I excelled in sports but few of them were my friends. I started dating at a pretty early age in part, so i could hang out with girls. I spent summers in high school hanging out with my girlfriend and her friends and cousins.

I loved presenting as feminine guy in dress and mannerisms but i did not understand why i felt more comfortable doing that. I often left sports practices to hang out with the "Dungeons and Dragons" crowd because they felt more accepting, more alternative and less mainstream.

I don't remember when i even saw the term gender dysphoria. Like many people of the time, i thought that ->-bleeped-<-, transexual folks, etc were doing it for sexual preference reasons, or because they wanted to stand out, or because they had interests in entertainment etc. To me, there did not even seem like an option for me to transition.

Then came the internet and chat rooms and i somewhat suddenly realized there was a whole world out there that i had no idea about. Soon i was identifying as a crossdresser at least, and i was getting therapy and understanding myself more and more. What i thought was a character flaw in myself turned out to be the real me struggling to come to the surface. I married a young lady that was fine with my feminine self and even liked those aspects of me.

Finally sometime in the early 2010s i began to believe that i had gender dysphoria and that the course of action i should take was to transition. Multiple therapists agreed with me, but still i dragged my feet for a number of reasons. As GD continued to get worse and simply crossdressing in my normal "tomboy" clothes had less of an alleviation factor, i began to make plans for HRT, throwing out all my guy clothes etc.

My transition has meant the world to me, i feel like a real person and a healthy one.

I've been feminine since ever. I desired to be a girl and got really jealous of them almost as early as I can remember (5-6 yo). Felt somewhat ashamed about it, by the way.

In my early teens I started feeling sexually attracted to boys, also felt really ashamed and tried to not dwell on it. I hoped it was just temporary because teens are told their sex orientation can be tricky (big lie). At this time I began to learn about sex change procedures but saw it as an almost undoable thing for me. Also felt really ashamed again (what a surprise).

I thought and waited for years and after not seeing changes in my sexual orientation and dysphoria I concluded my feelings were never going to change and that i was going to take the step. Also thought it was better to first get a nice career to fund easily my transition and have good result. I had kind of a soft and late puberty development, so I started noticing significant changes about 18-19 years old. Then I started to panick, and decided to begin the change asap (when I was 20).

Rest is history.

For me it was the slow accumulation of knowledge and self analysis that finally explained why I felt so wrong most of my life.  I'd say the feelings of being "off or wrong" started in grade school and they only got worse through puberty.  A sense of jealously and envy grew as the girls around me matured and in turn my own level of discomfort and disgust as my own body matured.

I admit I was fascinated by anything girly, and less interested in anything in the more extreme of manly. However I was never particularly drawn to anything definitely stereotypical girl or boy clothing or toy wise.  Things are just things, however I do admit I longed for the social ramifications such things, to be treated how I felt.

It wasn't until I was in my early twenties that I even heard of anything under the transgender umbrella.  Of course as soon as I realized how I felt I almost immediately buried those feelings as I felt I couldn't transition and would never pass.  Plus it was very expensive, and so I deemed it hopeless and resigned myself to "reality" as I felt it then.

Took another 10+ years  before I was forced to admit and come to terms with myself and finally start transitioning at 34.  I'm now a year along since starting HRT and it's the best decision I've ever made, for once I feel "right" and a lot more comfortable mentally.  Best decision I should of made over a decade ago, and it was a hard lesson to learn that "I'll never pass" is completely meaningless as far as barriers go to transitioning.

I've thought about it since I was 4 years old, but wasn't able to get to transitioning until 3 years ago

Quote from: Deborah on August 16, 2016, 03:44:51 PM
I knew since I was 11 since that was what was in my mind.  I discovered the name for it and that I wasn't the only one at age 15 when I was looking in a Hustler magazine. :-(. Information was not plentiful in those days.

Whoa!  The same thing happened to me, only I was 13 and realized right then and there what it was!  Do you recall which issue of that magazine it was?  I believe it dated no later than 1979.  I saw the photos and wondered what this was about, so I read the article.  The light went on halfway through the article.  I was shocked and surprised that I could understand this right away.  Years later, I recalled that when I was in the school for the deaf at almost 8 years old, the first spark of awareness on an unconscious level might have happened here, where I was dressed as an angel and made up to look feminine for that role - the interesting thing was, I only started to learn to talk and read and write formally that August or September at the school for the deaf in San Antonio - I had already gone through kindergarten and what would have been first grade with NO IDEA what was going on and why I couldn't just stay home and play).  I felt something like, "I see this stuff on me, which makes me visualize a girl in my mind's eye, then my Dad, and I immediately get scared because I don't want Dad to see me like this, because I'm afraid he would not like me anymore or not be pleased with my appearance, which never happened before."  I felt very self-conscious, vulnerable, even.

Understand, I didn't know how to communicate my feelings, except by acting on them.  I could only feel what I felt and act on them.  I would show my anger, I would hide somewhere out of fear, I would hang onto something out of greed and would yell myself blue-black after it was taken from me, I would be sad and cry myself to sleep, or I would be happy in fascination with something new in front of me.  I lived by my senses and emotions during the Deaf Years (up to seven and a half years old).  The other thing was, and I wish I had acted on it when I learned about it as a teenager, Dad had told me in his story telling (he was 48 when I was born, one of the Great Generation or the GI Generation of WWII) about a friend he had, who was a ->-bleeped-<-, and he told me what such a person was like, and this man was a really, really good friend of Dad's.  This should have told me that it was okay to tell Dad right then and there, "F!@#$, Dad!  I need help!  Something doesn't feel right!  I'm sorta like that friend you're telling me about.  What do I do, what do I do??"  But I was too scared.  Later, when I finally decided to go through with transition at almost 32, Dad got to see me change right in front of him physiologically, though I was not allowed to tell him because of the frailty of his health (he was 80 when I started and died just after turning 82).  The second clue was that he said one time during the previous life, "Son, you know I love you.  I'll always love you.  I'll support you in whatever you want to do.  You don't have to worry.  I'll always love you."  It didn't occur to me that he may have been trying to tell me something after Mom may have gone to him to tell him after I came out to her about 10-11 years prior to my decision to come out.  Mom didn't get to see that I decided to go through with this, as she passed just under two years prior to his passing.

Around 10 for me, my sister is just a big over a year younger than me and I wanted to be her so bad while we were growing up, at 10 I asked my mother to call me Michelle instead of the boy version they gave me...she just called me silly and said no. This was in the mid 60's and there was zero awareness or even a hint of an answer in our small town to what I was feeling.
  My sis and I were best of friends and quite close and in our years of school I mostly hung around with her and her friends instead of the boys in the neighborhood as I felt I understood them better. The girls didn't mind much at all and just thought I was the cool "older brother", it was pretty tough though to be "in hiding" inside and that feeling stayed for many more years.

Quote from: Mohini on August 31, 2016, 12:06:12 PM
Whoa!  The same thing happened to me, only I was 13 and realized right then and there what it was!  Do you recall which issue of that magazine it was?  I believe it dated no later than 1979.  I saw the photos and wondered what this was about, so I read the article.  The light went on halfway through the article. 

LOL.  I remember it vividly.  It was probably 1975, maybe 1976.  The pictures and article was about a trans woman that was on a softball team.  She was in a softball uniform.  I think she stayed dressed but I'm not sure of that.  It was just a very good feeling to know I wasn't the only one in the world.  That's what made the impression on me.

So many great posts! I read a lot that is familiar from my own life.

It's hard to pin-point when I knew that I was "transgender" because that wasn't a word in my vocabulary.

One of my earliest memories was that my first friend, before I even started Kindergarten was a girl named Rhonda across the street and my mother called me Ronnie. Our mothers thought that was so cute. I wondered why she was Rhonda and I was Ronnie and not the other way around or why I shouldn't be called Rhonda too. I was being told that Ronnie was a boy's name, but I didn't really understand. We liked to do all the same things, play with dolls and play house, etc. Of course, I'm putting all this into words that my 4-year-old brain couldn't express at that age.

Later we moved and I entered school. In school, I would pick out one girl in class, and not the prettiest one, one that was average (didn't want to ask too much of God or my fairy godmother, or something, who knows), and look at her very closely. "Could I please just change places with that girl?" Sometimes, the girl would catch me looking and this was embarrassing, of course. .

At home, I was about 6 or 7 years old by now, I would often think, that next time we moved, I would enroll in the new school as a girl with long hair and girl's clothes and that would solve everything. I thought about this quite a lot.

At recess at about 8 years old, there was a line dividing the boy's and girl's part of the playground. I used to stand there and look over the line wishing and wondering what it would be like to cross over that line.

I really did make a great effort to conform as I grew and be the person that my family and the world expected me to be in every way. Just like everyone, I wanted approval and that meant being masculine and strong. On the inside, there was misery and struggle.

As an early teen, I heard the story about Renee Richards and it changed my entire worldview. Suddenly I knew that becoming female was possible and that there were others (at least one other) out there in the world. I believe that a switch went off in my brain at that point in my life. For the world, Renee Richards was a freak, but to me she was a heroine. I knew that on some level we were alike. That she was willing to go out there as a woman in a world that mostly would not accept her as one, showed a level of courage that amazed me. I couldn't get it out of my head. However, I thought, that I would never do it, because the social price was simply too high. Also, as I got older, I had doubts. Maybe I was gay, a cross-dress or like a drag-queen?

I think that I was 29 when I read one TS biography and there was a great quote. "It's not about the clothes. If women wore gunny sacks, that is what I would want to wear because I'm a woman." Somehow that is when I finally understood the difference and could figure out for certain what I was. That clicked with me. It was about identity, not dressing up or even sex. It was about knowing who I am and going out in the world as that person.

Hugs to you all,
Rhonda

Quote from: Deborah on September 01, 2016, 06:46:06 PM
LOL.  I remember it vividly.  It was probably 1975, maybe 1976.  The pictures and article was about a trans woman that was on a softball team.  She was in a softball uniform.  I think she stayed dressed but I'm not sure of that.  It was just a very good feeling to know I wasn't the only one in the world.  That's what made the impression on me.

Yep that was the issue and the article was spell binding. I came across other article's in other magazines later on,but hustler was already ahead of em. I also came across trans magazines that helped my education in this.

I was born like this as an intersex person, so from my earliest memories I've always considered myself a transgender female.

Reading some of your stories here has definitely been interesting. I hope this may be an appropriate place to mention that I'm still very uncertain with myself; however, for many years I've had issues with not quite feeling "masculine" and thinking that I may be transgender. I've always felt fairly effeminate for a male throughout my life. I'm hoping to start seeing a therapist in Spring to help get some confirmation as well as help resolve a few other issues that I have been keeping bottled up since my childhood. I guess I just feel uneasy about claiming myself as one without any sort of confirmation from a professional. Plus, wouldn't that have to be done before being able to get started on HRT? I've done some reading on the process, especially in regards to health care, and I recall reading in my health insurance plan that I would need to be declared as female for 3 months before the insurance could be considered to cover any cost for it.

With about 25 years. Before, I didn't feel really good with being identified as "male", but nobody could have the idea that I could be transgender (I was socialized very masculine and there were no unambiguous signs of feminity or gender-queerness, as far as I know). It was really difficult to realize how trapped and limited I was because I thought one must know that since earliest childhood to be "true".

I dont have a wow moment.. I think I always knew deep down... I always loved looking what the girls wore, at 13 was the first time I wished I was a girl, more for the outfit. I was forced to go with my parents for their friends party and it was very hot. I was forced to wear long pants with a shirt.. There was this girl, she was 2 years older than me and she wore this lovely army green strapless dress with white sandals.. I was so jealous as she got wear comfortable clothing and was sweaty and hot. (Today I actually own a dress like that).. Then about 1 year later, I was curious about pantyhose. and that lead to me starting experiment with pantyhose.. In high school was very jealous of the girls, i so wanted to be able wear the outfits, grow breasts and to shave my legs.. I also really was jealous that they could wear earrings (My father was very anti boys having getting piercing). Then at the age of 19 I dressed fully for the first time. I wore a lovely blue dress, with heels. (my first time). I shaved my legs for the first time then. I remember looking at myself in the mirror and thinking wow this feels so right and natural.

I started to dress regularly after that and began to explore whether I was a girl. Cross dressing allowed the real me to come out, and it was a very girl young woman. I even had a friend pierce my ears. ( I was too afraid to go to the piercing shop). I now have 3 holes in each ear, a navel ring and my have a small stud in my nose. my left ear cartilage is also pierced.

somewhere along that story, I realized I was a woman. I was so excited to start HRT, was super excited when my breasts started to grow, I could not believe I actually was getting breasts. I loved the idea I was "required" to wear a bra. I am very happy that the hormone fairy gave my D cup breasts.

now around 9 years later, I am a well adjusted young woman. I am still very girly, love makeup, wearing lingerie, clothes, shoes, nail polish etc.. who still loves having to wear bra every day and I love female clothes, especially dresses. I wear a lot of dresses. I am also 3 years post op and cant even imagine a time when I was a boy. I feels like I always had a vagina

Oh, another thing that gave me some hope,

In 4th grade (1964) some older teen girls dressed up their 2 6th grade brothers as perfectly beautiful girls with cute dresses, makeup and wigs for a school Halloween dress up day, I couldn't stop staring at them in serious envy!
At that point something really clicked with me and gave me lots of hope. Thats about when I asked my mother if she would call me Michelle instead of the "boy version", that didnt go ever well and I just went back into hiding for another 45 years.

Thank you for all of the wonderful posts!  For someone who has just recently come out, seeing so many similar experiences laid out in text is priceless.  The worst thing for me, I think, has been a terrible sense of isolation and just the fact that all of you are out there, even though we're strangers to one another, fills me with hope.

I was going to quote some of the aforementioned posts, but there are so many that would be apropos that noting them all would turn my post into gibberish.  Therefore, suffice it to say, "Wow, so many experiences and emotions that resonated with me."

Sorry, I'll get back on topic...

Ironically, I was raised to believe that anyone's race/sexual preference/gender identity etc... made zero difference.  All that mattered was if they were a good person or not.  Great thing to teach your child.  Quite a progressive viewpoint too--seeing as I was born in 1980 and my parents were living in the Midwestern US.  However, my mother is not what I would term 'mentally or emotionally stable', and what she really, really wanted was a perfect little boy (she always hated being female). 

I was a smart kid and saw what my mother needed to stay level, so I played the necessary role.  Internally, I knew who I was from a young age, but that knowledge became more and more attenuated as the years went on, until eventually it was hidden under this mountain of unreality that I had erected.

Despite all of the play acting I was doing, as I grew up some of the real me insisted on sneaking out:  All of my good friends were female (they were the ones who made sense to me).  I was never effeminate, exactly, but I was considered just one of the girls.  They'd take me underwear shopping at Vicky's because I had good taste--things like that.  It's been a running joke among friends my whole life that I should have been born a girl.  My handwriting is feminine.  My voice, when I'm not pitching it low on purpose, could go either way.  I'm slim and pretty graceful.  Hell, I even smell more like a girl.

But the older I got, the worse the dysphoria became and the more desperately I tried to prove my masculinity.  I enlisted in the Marine Corps.  I did a lot of dangerous, bordering on crazy, things.  Still, I was miserable and felt like everything was a lie, which of course it was, because I had chosen to pretend an entire life instead of actually living one.

I had a child and was the stay at home parent for the first three years of her life.  I adore my daughter like nothing else in the world.  I had this wonderful life, but I was still miserable.  I sought help for depression--still miserable.  Moved the family two thousand miles away--still miserable. 

Finally, it hit me, with little fanfare, when I was sitting up by myself at two in the morning.  I had been pondering what the hell my problem was (as usual).  I'd had enough wine to be honest with myself (in vino veritas, right?) and the thought just popped out in my conscious mind, "I'm a girl.  I mean I'm really a girl."  I repeated it out loud and I got this whole body, visceral reaction of pure, undiluted happiness.  I felt this huge sense of relief, like my subconscious was able to take a deep breath when I finally got it.

Then I got kicked out of my house and was essentially exiled to the other coast due to lack of options (you don't have much of a safety net when you've been the 'housewife' for years). lol  Aside from that, it's been great though.

It's the weirdest thing too.  I don't know if it's just some sort of grand placebo effect, but since I accepted who I am, my feelings, both tactile and emotional have changed.  I'm not even on HRT yet, but I feel completely different.  It's wondrous and strange and it's difficult to deny the reality of what I'm feeling no matter how logical I try to be.  The emotional changes, I would have expected, but the physical ones are just kind of mind blowing.

Elora

I was always feminine and always had an attraction to boys (I know that has nothing to do with gender identity) since I was extremely young, like 3 years old. My mom said she first noticed I was trans when I use to always wear one of my sisters skirts all the time. And eventually in pre-k I had a little boyfriend and my mom use to always buy me dresses and dolls. When I got older it because more aware to my knowledge that I was the different one and not everyone else around me lol. As a kid, I felt I was the normal one, not the cis hetero girls lol. I knew I was trans at 15 when my dad told me I was. I never really new about the term. And my family helped me accept the term. They didn't really help push my transition because I was already transitioning, I just wasn't labeling what I was doing because it was always normal to me  to grow out my hair, and wear girls clothes, etc.

I was a very feminine child.   I remember being six years old and realizing I wasn't going to grow up to be a woman.  I remembered making a conscience effort after that "be a boy."  Even as a small child I had some notion of fake it until you make it, when it came to feeling like a guy.

I ended up developing anorexia and bulimia at 14, which I am still battling, in a frantic effort to keep my body from looking like a man's.   You know....big, muscle, height.  I couldn't stand growing up looking like a man.  After making a brief recovery from my eating disorder, I went through a stage of excess manliness at around 16.  I guess a second attempt at fake it until you make it.  I slowly started to crumble.  I honestly thought coming out as gay was what I should do.  I liked guys and didn't really have a clear concept of what gender dysphoria was.  I have slowly become more and more androgynous over the years.  I started to come to terms with my gender and started to try to transition at 22 but didn't out of fear.  I was able to handle not transitioning because my starved body still looked androgynous and feminine.  Weak, sick, frail, but androgynous.  I recieved so much praise from gay male friends for not transitioning then.  The gay community in my home town is EXTREMELY transphobic.  I actually would get mad and defensive when people would ask if I was trans.  I didn't want to deal with it so denial was key.

Fast forward to 25.  I started to get chest hair, heavy facial hair, my hairline started to receed.  My face started to look manly.  My old feminine clothes didn't fit from my body filling out like a man.  I looked in the mirror last year and said, "I look like a dude.  I look straight up like a dude."  I guess I didn't realize how intense my identity was as a woman until I started to look more manly.  But I am transitioning now.  Moved to the beach to become the woman I am :) 

puberty

I think I was around 1st or 2nd grade when I first started feeling different, and noticed that I was the only "boy" who was playing with the girls in school or sitting like them with my legs crossed. 6th grade helped to solidify those feelings when I randomly took advantage of being home alone and ventured into mom's room and discovered that I felt more comfortable wearing panties, a bra, one of mom's skirts and silk blouses or a dress than I ever did in boxers and my clothes, but it also started my years of denial.

From 7th grade on out I just figured that I was gay and continued to hang out with the girls in school. 9th grade I ended up losing my virginity to a guy and something still felt like it was missing.

Jump to 21 and a boyfriend surprised me one night with having me cross dress while having sex and suddenly everything started to finally click.

Sadly that was followed by even more denial until I was about 30 and I just couldn't take it anymore.

wow, many are similar.. i need to start way back.. ( i will sumerise as much as i can)

I was born In Republic Of South Africa in september 1978, it was a policed state and information the public had was tightly controlled (lets leave politics out of it).. on the way to the hospital my parents were arguing what sex i was, .. my dad insisted i was a girl and my mom that i was a boy, little did they know i was and am both then and at present. i was 2 months prem, the only thing i had was an undeveloped diaphram and could only sleep on my stomach and had a breathing monitor 24/7 for 4 months.

i was the only boy that was born that could maintain and carry forward the family surname and bloodline. the only boy born in the whole family who could cary on the surname , as you can imagine this had a profound impact on how i was brought up (the men dont behave that way etc). both my parents were and are christians, very orthodox in many things.. according to my mom i was a gentle child who was curious about the whole world. up every morning at 4am exploring, wanting to see and understand the world and totally fearless. i have vague memories of this time period, i do remember not feeling as either male or female, i had no problems playing my sister and her toys and never considered myself as a boy, just me.. tho my neighbors son Davie (who i was friends with and encouraged to play with) hated all things 'girly'. we were a bad combination, two personalities who got into allsorts of trouble. i do remember a feeling and knowing i was somehow different from everyone.

fast forward a few years and i am 7, the year i was turning 8. my first few years i went to Afrikaans school as a result i could only read/write and speak Afrikaans (while english was my home language). this concerned my parents and i was sent along my sisters to an english boarding school (flew backwards and forwards once per month in Hercules C160s and C130s, loved that). where i had repeat my first year school and learned to speak english. here i made one friend, i believe his name was stephen  (its been 30 years...) anyway he lived on a farm out of town.. i remember going on a long weekend tohis house and we were playing and somehow the future came up.. and he was proud that he would be taking over the family farm.. me innocently stated i am going to grow up and become a women and i will help you run the farm (we were real close.) he laughed and said sure.. somehow a person at the boarding school found out what i wanted to be growing up, and lets say he said "so you want to grow up to be a girl, well girls like ....." a defining moment for me for sure, but somewhere during the year i lost it this 13 year old and put him in hospital. that was when my anger and rage at the world started.. i began to believe it would be impossible and had a mean temper.. i was angry for years, and refuse to this day to tell my parents what happened. i also learned to repress myself, and i remember watching star trek and saw spock and started supressing big time my feelings and desires.

fast forward a few years, i was 13 years old and we had to do a school play.. featuring cliff richard - young ones as the main song.. anyway we were short of girls in my class and the boys were drafted.. i was one of the lucky ones, and while expressing a distaste outwardly to everyone was secretly overjoyed. i loved every min, and from then on began pinching womens clothes from the washing pile (never got caught as far as i know).. it was also the time religion began playing a big part in my life and being gay was a mortal sin, men wearing womens cloths was hammered into me from then.

i do recall a hustler magazine that had an article about a transsexual who underwent the change.. i was stunned, this was possible, my dreams could become real?? that was the biggest light bulb to go bling in my head.. i became more determined than ever to graduate as fast as possible and move out of home and disappear and find a way to make it a reality.

to cut a long story short, through out my teenage years (from around 13-15 before my family immigrated out of RSA) i had dreams and of being a girl. its actually where my name came from, i remember waking up from a dream and i knew my name Veronica. it was the happiest day i can recall, kept it too myself tho.. and many nights crying myself to sleep wishing i could wake up as a girl, or having girl bits in there that started bleeding i would need surgery (stupid i know, but hey i was young there was no internet or much public information).. i even remember a time of dreaming that genies were real and if i had one wish that would be it, for me to be a girl.

I am not sure when , but looking back i guess since i was a kid around 6-7.

But when looking back it did not come out as dressing female, i always just drifted towards girls and always had more female friends then male which never got beyond the friend-stage.

Later i developed more female than male and was often mistaken as female, even had one time where i spent hours with a good friend and her friend and it wasn´t until it came up , that she even noticed that i was a man. Which was so strange , but at the same time it didn´t feel bad.

So never knew 100% until last year where i came to terms with it all and knew for sure.

pre-school not sure on the age.
- did not know about my Girl Side till after i went into my 1st Foster Home and went to Pre-School.
-- from there i discover something was not right about my body & the strange feelings i had.
--- one day at school all i recall now is flash backs of me taking metal small cutting scissors from school.
---- i recall going behind some plastic barrels & wiping it out and cut into it just half an inch.
----- i saw some blood felt the pain put it away and never try to cut that mofo off ever again.
------ i always wished even now 2 years later on HRT that i did it.
------- i really dont mind a girl part at all... but really i do not care what i get other then I WANT that boy part gone.
-------- but i hope my past helps.

I realized I was A GIRL (not transgender) when I was 4-5 yrs old.

Thinking back the first time I became aware of it, not the word transgender, I didn't learn that until after the internet was invented, but the idea of a man living as a woman was in 1992 after I saw the movie The Crying Game. It was, I think, the first time I saw portrayed in the media a passable, attractive, transgender woman (although the actual actor is a gay man).  The next day I remember thinking about the movie the whole day and thinking that I would really like to be like that. To live as a woman.  But at the time I was unaware of any kind of support system.  I felt alone and afraid and I stuffed my feelings down, like I have done so many times and took up my role as a man and eventually the intensity of those feelings faded and I became numb again.

Also, before puberty, I have memories of dressing up as a girl and feeling more happiness from it than any boy ever should.   Then after puberty struck I could never ever think about sex without thinking about going to bed as a woman.  That particular dynamic has been lifelong.

I don't really recall my earliest years but my older sister considered me to be her sister and named me Tessa.  We played together as girls and my older brother would warn me that if i kept that up I would really be a girl.  I cared less about gender or anatomy but knew I would grow up to be a mom with babies of my own and secretly considered the "change" or puberty would be when it would happen.  I was born in 1951 a decade and more before the word transgender was coined.  What was common as taunts were; sissy, queer, weirdo and of course GIRL.  Sheesh what was so wrong about being a girl?  I wanted to still hang out with them as I felt more comfortable reading or playing jump rope and word games.  Boys were mean with hitting, pushing and bullying. 

Puberty was a cold wake up and a hateful experience and there was no alternative I knew of.  We learn to cope with what we cannot change and i did my best to act like a boy and some sort of manish person but my real identity never changed and was reduce to a shadow girl who followed me through life.  She was imprisoned within me and sometimes expressed herself in loving boys and then men, wearing long hair and loving more sensitivity and feminine apparel.  And then i did my best to purge the clothes and very idea of being female.  I internalized transphobia and learned enough about the too typical Trans narrative to consider myself ineligible.  I was prepared to take my secrets to the grave but the very persistence of my true girl gender identity never quit and finally we found our freedom a few years ago.  Yes, a long strange trip but I won't die wondering and feel very grateful to be here.

I didn't have an "aha" moment when I decided I was trans.  I recall being interested in stockings, hosiery etc. even back in kindergarten.  I used to browse through the lingerie section of department store catalogues when I was a bit older.  I recall on one occasion discovering tights for boys.  I wanted those, but couldn't bring myself to ask my mother for them.  I also started trying on my sister's tights and later stockings and garter belt, when I was about 10 or 11.  However, unlike many here, I played with boy's toys and wasn't interested in dolls.  I was also interested in technology, but not sports.  So, I guess I was a bit of both genders when growing up.  I started buying tights & pantyhose for myself while in my late teens, more so after I moved out on my own.  I have been wearing pantyhose or stockings daily for most of my adult life and now wear a bra & nail polish daily.  Several years ago, I was also into full cross dressing, but moved away from that.

One big thing, when I was a kid, was I was terrified someone would find out about my wearing "girls" things.  Unlike today, such a thing just wasn't accepted back then.

Bottom line, there was no moment when I suddenly decided I was trans.  It was just a matter of looking back over the years at what I wanted.and felt.

Quote from: alice1234 on August 17, 2016, 07:02:02 PM
i was about 8 or 9 and i tried on me mums things and it felt comfortable but i didn't have a name for it so i kept it to myself till about 12 i dreamed of being a woman then i confided in a friend and realized who i was after that years of internet research until i came out. in retrospect i wish i commited at 12.  cheers
Alice

Quote from: xSMITHx on February 27, 2017, 08:42:15 AM

I just knew. I was 4 and I just knew I was supposed to have been born a boy. It wasn't about genitals or body parts at all ( my brothers were not born yet; I wasn't aware of penises or that my not having one meant anything). I just knew.

I can't remember the exact moment as a kid that it dawned on me something was off. Somewhere between age 6 and 8 when I started having to go to school, and when my grandmother started making me wear the clothes she picked when I visited her.

It wasn't a clear revelation. I was moody, unhappy and extremely nervous and self conscious of people's eyes on me... and I didn't talk much. I guess that's how it manifested when you have no words for it and no surety.

Later, about 5 years ago maybe, I knew about most of this stuff superficially but I was lying on my bed trying to sleep and wondering why the hell my life was such a mess and who the hell I was. I typically converse with myself in my head when I'm trying to figure things out and on that occasion the answer to the question was just there as if it'd been obvious all along. Maybe I just hadn't asked myself the question properly before or allowed time to think about it. Anyway, once answered it couldn't be unanswered. I thought about it and the more I did the more I knew it was true as all the evidence from the past made sense. It wasn't me wanting to become something else. I'd considered myself a broken version of that thing to start with, which was why I had so many body issue problems and felt so self-conscious, avoided intimacy, etc. Should have been so obvious. 

I always felt 'off' from as early as I can remember. When my brother and I would play make believe, I'd always be the girl heroes etc, as children we never really thought anything of it, it was just who I wanted to be.

Fast forward about 9 years, I'm now 14 years old, I'd been sexually assaulted by the girl across the street, I'd been stealing my moms old clothes from when she was a teenager (some gothier mesh tops black skirts etc) and I was having a breakdown in my room because my mother'd FREAKED when she caught me wearing nail polish for the first time.. 'You're going to be sorry when your father gets home! He's going to put a stop to this right quick!' I literally just cried and poured it all out to my father, who just stoically exclaims; 'I'll allow the nail polish, but that's as far as this goes. If I catch you, or hear from anyone else, that you're wearing dresses, or makeup... not under my roof. Are we clear?' I had to swallow a very bitter pill that day, but I wasn't deterred, my brother graduated high school, and I'd began bringing extra changes of clothes to school with me, and my makeup kit, and changing in the bathroom at school.

Fast forward 7 years. My cousin D has come out as transgender. Her parents weren't initially super cool about it, quite the opposite in fact, but SUPPOSEDLY my father was.. I was furious, my first reaction was 'that (expletive)(expletive!)' 'Why does she get to and I don't?!' 'Why do my own parents tolerate her but not me?!' I began to feverishly research the process in its entirety anywhere I could. I was finally aware it was possible, and not just with copious amounts of plastic surgery. However, my fathers words still rang in my ears, about my being homeless and essentially not their child anymore, I buried it all. I buried it deep. I became what I assumed would be a 'pinnacle' of masculinity, even if I still wore makeup and nail polish. I cropped my hair short or I'd shave my head entirely like a skinhead. I drank, spit, cursed, smoked, fought, and had all but destroyed everything I was. I'd also had a constant rush of suicidal thoughts, I'd begun self harming again. All I could do to stay alive and stay sane was stay busy. I smothered myself in work, and when I wasn't doing that, I was hiding on the internet playing video games, at least there, I could be the girl I was supposed to be without judgement, or I'd be still secretly doing 'research' on transitioning, but whenever I wasn't sitting in that chair, I wanted to die. And it wasn't much of a life, in my eyes, to give up.

I carried on this way for another 10 years, by then I was 31 and nothing in my life made sense. I had a great job, high paying, with benefits, I have a beautiful girlfriend who loves me and we were going to get a place together, a house. Everything a typical hetero cis male would need to be 'satisfied' in life. It. All. Meant. Nothing. There was one piece of the puzzle that didn't fit. Me. I started having suicidal thoughts even now at work. I ended up with 'hash marks' all over the back of my hardhat for every time I thought about throwing myself to my death at work, and chickened out. It seemed like a good solution to me, I'd die in an 'accident' at work, my family and girlfriend get a boat load of money, and I sleep forever. My girlfriend finally cornered me about my feelings, I explained what I felt how I felt, why *I* think I feel that way. She urged me to seek help.

I approached my doctor about psychological help and now I'm here.

   I have been a life long crossdresser and never thought it was more than that. Oh I thought/wished I could be a woman but the thought that I maybe trans never really crossed my mind. Not until I discovered I could obtain HRT meds, which I did, and took them without another thought. It was just something I knew I wanted to do.
   In hind sight all the signs were there. I just never put it together.

  Hugs,
    Jeanette

@JeanetteLW

You sound like me in many ways.  I have been cross dressing to one degree or another for most of my life.  I'm at the point where I want to take this further, but haven't decided what yet.

James,
  I hope you aren't as backwards as I am. I say that because how I have gotten to where I am today (barely started) is completely backwards from the way commonly considered the proper way. The recommended progress is to first consult with a gender therapist and explore this feeling that you should be something other than your assigned at birth gender. Next step once your gender dysphoria is confirmed is to consult a doctor to set a plan for transition and get baseline hormone levels taken. Next would be to agree on a transition plan and start closely monitored HRT.
   Well like I said I do things backwards and I am currently awaiting a call to set an appointment with a gender therapist.  I've already checked off the other boxes and in the exact opposite order. With this  appointment I will have finally put myself on the "right" track.
    Please don't do it my way as the right way can be so much more beneficial to you and your own progress.

  Hugs,
  Jeanette

I suspect I may be like you in that regard.  I was into cross dressing and enjoyed it, but never sought any professional help.  I'll have to work up the courage to do that.

I knew from my earliest thoughts that I should be female. I can remember back to about four years of age, and my identity was already there. I was maybe 5 or 6 when my mum caught me wearing her underwear. I wanted to be just like her, like many daughters who want to be like their mums. I was shamed into never doing that again, so I knew I had to hide those thoughts. Interestingly, my mum will not admit that that ever happened. I think she is consumed by guilt and thinks she failed me by suppressing my true identity. I hope she believes my forgiveness.

When I was younger, before I knew anything really, I really had a hard time socializing with other kids.
At 10, I saw a magazine article about a "transsexual" and the jig was up. I didn't know or care that surgery was required. Dressing in mom's stockings, then my own illicitly, and underwear, provided a real outlet.
In junior high I found Playboy and got real jealous real fast. Oh the possibilities!
In high school I turned to fantasy and science fiction, thinking I could build a female robot suit I could climb into and live as a woman.
It wasn't until INTERNET some years later, after many a fantastic night of dreaming, that I discovered possibilities could become reality.
And now here we are.

I believe I was around 4 years old. Maybe younger? That would have been around 1961.

Before a certain age you aren't really aware of gender. So I realized something was amiss about that same time.

I used to always play with the girls on my block. One day I saw my friend had pretty red nail polish on. So I went to my mom and asked her to paint my nails like the other girls. She tried to explain that I was a little boy, but I would have none of that! Lol. So she painted my finger and toe nails.

I remember one other time where she put a dress on me because I asked. I don't remember the circumstances.

At some point I was aware of people having "sex changes" and wished I could do that. When I hit my teens I told my mom I wasn't getting my hair cut anymore. So by the time I was 13 or so I have hair past my shoulders.

In high school I dressed very androgynously. I wore what ever girl's clothing I could get away with. But never dresses or things like that. I also painted my nails. Usually black (as they are right now) but other colors too. I kind of used the 70s glam rock thing as a cover.

I was never very effeminate, but I wasn't masculine either. I'm small, only 5'5", and back then like 120lbs.
People always mistook me for a girl unless they saw my face.

In the 80s I cut my hair short, but grew it out and wore it in a big goth hairdo, complete with eyeliner, etc.

Since then I'm fluctuated between having long hair and then being very "normal" looking as a guy.

I've been a musician since about age 13. This affords me the opportunity to not look like everyone else. Lol.

I went through periods of cross dressing, but mostly in private, except on Halloween. [emoji3]

In the 90s I was living with someone and we had a son. She's now 25. I raised him myself since he was about 6. In the early 2000s I got married and we had a daughter. She's 12.

It wasn't until we got divorced in 2011 that I decided it's time to deal with my gender issues. My ex wife knew nothing about it, but did end up saying it makes sense since I always seemed more like women she knew. And she liked that about me.

Interestingly, I'll be 60 this year and I more or less look like I did right after high school. Lol. (Just older and with purple streaks in my hair)

I'm still living as a guy, but I look like my profile picture, sans makeup during the day. I'm not sure what they think of me at work, but everyone is nice and I think they just view me as a musician with long hair and black nail polish. Lol


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