For those who've started or been through their RLE, can you share your thoughts on how it compares with how you imagined it might be?
Because my dysphoria was social and I didn't understand it at the time, I was surprised to find how comfortable I became in the feminine role before surgery. When the time came to decide on surgery, I knew I couldn't return to being male but I felt I could be comfortable in the feminine role without surgery should surgery not be possible. This change in view point came after about 1.5 year of RLE and wasn't the case earlier in RLE.
I went into RLE with great fear. I eased my self in my going out at night to a few 'safe' places just getting use to being out. Which bathroom to use (female) not having a handbag full of junk. Being organised, getting confident and dressing appropriately and comfortably.
Most of all not looking at other people and never looking at peoples eyes when just walking around (only nervous or belligerent do that).
When the day came to go FT, a few months after HRT, I was relaxed, happy and comfortable. I threw out all my boy clothes within 2-3 weeks after going FT and never looked back.
I found for me that RLE pre surgery was a blessing and an education, I did not find it a waste of time or anything to fear. I think it needs to be approached with a positive learning attitude with the lessons to be learnt, do you want to do this the rest of your life? Is this really you? There is no going back, there is no pretence, there are no taking times off, I am a woman; and I am a woman 24/7 365 (366 in leap years!).
You do learn the female "role" you may well become a feminist or a more active one, you will lose male privilege, you will realise that life is very different. You may well realise that surgery is something you wish or something you do not wish and that the choice makes no difference as far as your femininity.
Enjoy - and I mean that.
For me, I was afraid of what those close to me might think, treat me differently, etc. Most everyone in my circle has been extremely supportive, and encouraging.
One thing that did surprise me is many people have commented that I appear more confident and relaxed, as well as more outgoing. I find this surprising as I still feel more self conscious about my appearance, behavior, social role etc. I definitely wonder if I really am more confident, relaxed, outgoing and the dysphoria of being male made a much bigger impact than I realized.
Anyone else experience this?
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I need to say first off that I am newly full time. I will return to my job next Monday, so that is still an unknown. I guess I pictured it being a mixture of being scared a lot and being happy and relieved at being me all the time. So far this is proving to be close to reality. I seem to be shedding some fears quicker than I thought I would. For example, using the ladies room is no longer even a thought. I just do it, and it is very comfortable. Sometimes, in some situations I am pretty intimidated. The thing that has helped is to remind myself that it is okay to be a work in progress. Who needs the pressure of being "perfect?" Since I don't have all the experiences of growing up female, there is no way to instantly know what I need to know. It sometimes feels like I am the guy from that old show, Quantum Leap. (Female version of course) He would beam into situations where he knows nothing about his circumstances. He would then work his butt off to figure it out and get his bearings. I don't push myself to too much of an extreme, and I usually don't let myself shy away completely from something challenging. What I am coming to grips with now is the reality of FFS. I have to accept that I will get clocked at times. I have to accept that it is something that I can live with. FFS is not gonna save me from it. I didn't know what to expect with the surgery (as in what level of passing I might attain.) As far as being happy, I figured I would be. So far I am, even though a fair amount of things have gone wrong. I would say that I made a trade. I traded security for happiness.
I hope this is the kind of thing you were looking for.
Moni
It starts with confidence Hugs Shannon
I should say I'm not actually that worried about going full time. It's more the reality of the beauty regime, loss of male privilege etc...
I've been full-time for a little over 2 months, and the most difficult and unexpected thing for me was the loss of freedom and security. Before, if I needed to run to the drugstore or grocery store at night, it'd be no problem... I'd just go there. But now, I try to avoid going out at night, especially if I'm going to be alone. And whenever I get into my car, the first thing I do is lock the doors. I never used to do that before.
I just don't feel as safe as I used to, compared to when I lived as a man. Women who are out alone are more vulnerable. Being trans makes us an even bigger target. I guess that's one example of male privilege that men often do not realize they have... the feeling of freedom to go about whenever and wherever without fear of being harassed or attacked. I really lament losing that, because I've always valued my independence.
I was a typically defiant teen, so told my mother that when I went to college at 16, it would be as a girl.
She hated it, but gave the whole talk of "men will always earn more, don't put your drink down anywhere, if you have a bottle, keep your thumb over it, never ever ever walk alone in the dark etc"
With regards to security, I have had to defend myself - and also talk my way out of problems. Ive done martial arts since a young age so that side of things doesn't bother me. However, one time, this guy who went for me was just this wall of flesh; my only choice was talking my way out.
In the work place Ive been belittled, ignored, and my modus operandi queried with the senior managers without talking to me- regardless of my qualifications or experience. Ive lost count of the times a new client, or new account manager mistook me for a secretary and demanded to speak to my boss.
My expectation was always some moron is going to try to out do me/ show me up/ belittle me because Im not a male. And that made me more determined to succeed. At 35, I'm currently getting the last laugh
I've will be full time for a year in November and so far, for the most part, things have gone very well.
I did have to learn to carry myself differently in public, and I'm still learning..... Just tonight was a prime example, my wife and I were walking out of the movies and my phone went off. So, not thinking, I pull it out to check it and nearly walk straight into some guy who had been staring and my wife and I. It was pretty unnerving and my wife reminded me to NEVER do that! She's right. Mostly I'm very careful to know my surroundings but it's things like that, the phone going off, that distract you and make you forget where you are.
Also, in public, get used to being stared at *A LOT*. Guys stare at women, it's a fact of life and it was pretty unnerving to me at first. I'm getting used to it, it's an odd feeling though and made me pretty nervous early on. Also, being asked if you know how to do **anything** mechanically inclined is a thing (which I find amusing since I'm a 20 year industrial machine repairer by trade). Having an 18 year old guy ask me if I can figure out how to open the hood to my car when I go in for an oil change never ceases to amuse me. ;)
I've always been one to be aware of what's going on around me, probably from working in factories so long and having to pay attention to running machinery, fork trucks, plant traffic, safety hazards, etc. so that helps.... But now, adding to that mix being aware of what people are doing and how they're acting around me and trying to steer clear of potential trouble.
The up-side to that is women smile at me much more now and are much friendlier. I get doors held for me, sometimes people insist I go in front of them in line for things, people in general are just nicer to me. I don't want to paint a picture of it being all bad, because it's not. I love my life now and wouldn't trade for anything, there are just a lot more things to keep in mind.
I've been accepted at work, though I still get misgendered several times a day. I'm starting to believe it's not going to get much better until I find another job. I *never* get misgendered anywhere other than work now...... I am kind of in the throes of my first instance of discrimination though, which really sucks and I'm addressing it. I'm being passed over (again) for a spot I wanted, they know I want, and I'm 10X more qualified than the person they have chosen. So the work thing is good/bad..... the guys who work for me are amazing and have been from day one. My colleagues are a mixed bag, some have been wonderful, some not. No one has been outright nasty to me but things like the promotion are obvious examples.
You get used to the beauty regime. The amount of what I do varies daily with what I'll be doing. You learn as you go what works and what doesn't. Being full time is definitely immersion training, I can pretty much do my makeup in 10-20 minutes where before it was well over an hour.
Overall, life is good for me. You take the bad with the good. Most importantly, I'm finally free. :)
In regards to male privileges, yes they will fade away but it their place is female privileges.
An male privilege example, I work with a team of 8 men who use to ask me to go to lunch with them, since transitioning they don't and don't ask females in the office that they work with.
Female privilege example, all of the male co-workers are so nice to me, opening doors, listening to me more than prior to transitioning. Going out of their way to do things like when the coffee pot goes around I'm asked if I want a refill where that was not the case before.
Beauty regime: There's no regime. It's utter anarchy. I do my best to shower daily. I should probably throw on some eye liner or whatever sometimes. Whatever, I'm sitting behind a desk most of the day anyway, so who cares? Getting ready for fancy events (weddings or other more formal parties, dressing up for the hell of it for a date, etc.) takes an annoyingly long time.
Loss of male privilege: IDK, I do okay, at least people take me reasonably seriously at work. I did interview with a job at my company and was turned down with the feedback being related to my "communication skills" — specifically that I was at once too aggressive, and also needed to be more confident, or something like that. ::)
The biggest difference for me with transitioning is the change in gendered relationships. I lost a lot of guy friends, not right away, but they just sort of drifted away. Which is life, after all. But guys in general stopped being jerks to me in the way they always had been (typical weird aggressive macho stuff I never really understood) and women became much more open. And since I'm basically exclusively into women, being welcomed by queer women has been just amazing and so comforting.
Hi,
I eased (still do) into it. And, I took my environment along with it. First I let the hair grow out, then the hairclips (for women, of course), then dealing with all the questions...a girl tee shirt was next, then the first trip to the hairdresser (that was an earthquake :) ) and so far: all female clothing, everything short of a skirt...
I even get called by my girl name...
In town? I go shopping all female with the cutest handbag. Got the moves, got the talk....LOL
If you take your biotope along with it, you notice not just you transitioning but the whole direct world around you.
I always answer (politically correct) questions, I inform when asked...I play open...
It works.
What I feel? Boundless freedom. Imagine the male "cage" gone around you...hmmm, inhale freedom...just inhale it :)
Dont expect, just be grateful for what comes your way (if it's any good), I never expect, I just go, there is a plan, but, I'm 24/7 for this long now, I just do it, and get it over with... :)
Love n kissies
Melissa
I had panic attacks at first, thinking everyone was paying attention to me. Those went away pretty quickly once I realized nobody cared or noticed.
So much good feedback, thnx all. I'm already happy going out and about in girl mode, and it's just fine. I just wonder on the differences between part-time, and full-time, though the gap seems to be getting smaller gradually.
Quote from: meganjames2 on September 13, 2016, 03:18:50 PM
So much good feedback, thnx all. I'm already happy going out and about in girl mode, and it's just fine. I just wonder on the differences between part-time, and full-time, though the gap seems to be getting smaller gradually.
Very Usefull discussion with great info
I have wondered if going full time for some, wasn't drawing a line in the sand so much, as a gradual change from one to the other?
Is it a bit like coming out in the respect that it doesn't matter how well planned you think you are, there never is one time better than another to start?
Liz
I'll hit 40 next year, but I started when I needed to and when I was ready and had the personal confidence and internal acceptance that I needed. All along I've taken small steps and not rushed. Looking back it's hard to believe how much things have changed for me already.
I was extremely worried about beginning my RLE. I was afraid that I would be mocked and made fun of. I heard many horror stories of new transitioners being confronted, yelled at or other negative experiences. My actual experience was so much better than I expected that I knew I could never go back. I just had my GCS A few weeks ago and I am looking forward to living the rest of my life as me.
Quote from: ElizabethK on September 13, 2016, 04:14:13 PM
Very Usefull discussion with great info
I have wondered if going full time for some, wasn't drawing a line in the sand so much, as a gradual change from one to the other?
Is it a bit like coming out in the respect that it doesn't matter how well planned you think you are, there never is one time better than another to start?
Liz
Mine was gradual. I had been dressing pretty androgynously or in a tomboy feminine style since my 20s (20+ yrs ago). When i was like 25 - it would have been common to see me dressed in girls sandals, girls jeans and a guys shirt, i also had various unisex hairstyles. I would use either restroom even back then and other than a few quizzical looks, never really experienced any backlash. I also did a lot of sports and would don my gear, compete and then back to my andro look.
I stopped wearing any guys shirts and shoes in 2013-2014 and began to grow my hair out. Only when my bust started to grow quickly did i start "coming out" to people and by then, they were pretty much not-surprised. Then i started to increase my beauty regimen and people started to notice.
Interestingly i did not see much erosion in male privilege until i began to transition. I never ran into much homophobia or androphobia, or feminineguyphobia (i believe i made those last two words up) before, about the worse thing i ever had to face was fundamentalist religious types assuming they knew my sexual orientation and taking it upon themselves to save me from the lake of fire.
After transition began i did see things change, women were nicer, sometimes way nicer, men were more standoffish and would interrupt me etc.
It has been an interesting and amazing journey and every day is a new adventure.
My dysphoria was almost completely physical, so it was a bit nerve-wrenching in the beginning. I've been on the RLE for about 10 months now, I normally pass very well, and I just got bro'd at a gas station not 30 minutes ago. That's pretty annoying and sometimes scary, but I'm so much happier with the way I look. I actually use mirrors again. Yay! So it's worth it.
The first several months were very scary. A fraction of the population always saw a woman and the rest saw a guy. I couldn't figure out which bathroom was safe to use and because my voice was a stresspoint for me, I felt inclined to use the male one when people saw a guy. That turned out to be a bad idea. It's better to stick to who you're presenting as even when somebody isn't seeing it.
The strangest thing for me was losing the girl/guy mode mentality. Prior to starting it, I had times where I felt like I was feminine and others when I felt like I was masculine. I still sometimes walk out the door thinking I look like a guy, but I still feel just normal. And it's that just normal feeling that's so weird. I no longer have a distinction between male and female behaviors. I just am. In the early stages, this feeling made me question whether the road ahead was worth it. Why go through the hassle if I just feel normal now? Why not just dress the way I am and forget about all the meds, surgeries, etc. But my root dysphoria is physical, so all that is necessary for me. The RLE just taught me that I also had more social dysphoria than I thought.
So much great feedback here, ty all.
I am only three months full time. I posted here earlier, before returning to work. I have to say going back to work did lot for my confidence. I get so busy it is impossible to even think about being trans. I just am myself. It is so nice to never have to switch back and forth any more. Sometimes I just stop and say, "I love this." It is wonderful for someone who has never ever experienced self contentment to finally get that feeling. I think one of the keys to relaxing more was to accept that "passing" was not always gonna happen and I had to be okay with being seen as transgender. For me; I have not had a single thought of returning to anything male. I still worry about safety. I also worry about new situations that I never have face as a woman before. It gets easier and easier though.
Moni
I've received the red warning box that no one's posted here for at least 30 days...but now someone is!
I love love this thread, reading of people whose fears either faded or altogether vanished. I especially love the reactions of coworkers and other people, how they treat you so well. I'm sure that isn't always the case, but it makes me so happy and hopeful.
I'm still pre-HRT, pre-therapy even, but I am so excited to start my transition. I'm out to the managers at work, and they are all happy and excited for me too (maybe it helps that they're all women?) I've been coming out to family and friends, and every single one are supportive. I already wear a full face of makeup and women's clothes (including heels) when at work, in public, etc, and carry myself as a woman when doing so. I guess I've been transitioning socially and externally for a while now. Thank you for your openness, it's given me even more to look forward to.
It didn't feel much different to how I'd been living my life since I left home. I knew sometimes I was mistaken by gender and that didn't bother me because I believed I wouldn't be able to expect results until T and surgery. Not scary because it's easier for women in society to act like men than vice versa and that's what some people thought I was doing; and I'd had my whole life habits to back up that I wasn't doing much out of the ordinary (for me). Starting hormones was different, at that point I knew I was going to have to expect comments about changes in voice and appearance that can't be hidden, and then the possibility of it not working as great as I hoped. I don't out myself to everyone I meet, I find if you just go about your business with confidence most people won't even notice.
Looks like this thread went quiet before I went full-time.
Anyway, this weekend is my three-month FT anniversary. ;) I went full-time last October when I was asked to leave the house and not come back. I was scared to death, because I had only been on HRT a few months, and didn't pass. (I still don't for any contact closer than someone passing by on the street.). Since then, I've discovered what living life on my own terms can be. I love it. Love, love, love, love it.
In looking back, I had never really lived on my own. My parents place, then college dorms with roommates, the military, and marriage all had me living with others, trying to be what I was perceived to be by others, trying to make them happy with me. Now, I finally get to be selfish ;) and put my needs first. I'm sane, calm, making friends, finding a new community, and generally, finally, living MY life. Yeah, yeah. I know. "Me, me, me, me, and me!" And isn't that the point? I'm finding myself and healing myself, with the aid of a good therapist and medical folks, after suppressing myself for half a century.
Honestly, I think by going full time in this particular part of the country, I'm playing on the Easy setting. The fears I had are mostly unfounded, and the experience has been remarkable, beyond anything I had expected. I'm busy, I'm active, I have friends, and I am actually happy [emoji4] much of the time.
Beats depression and intense dysphoria, that's for sure.
I've recorded the whole experience in another thread:
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,215456.0.html
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My three month mark arrives in 2 more days, and, as Michelle so eloquently put it, I love it. For the most part it was extending what I had been doing 3 to 5 days a week to 7 days a week. But there are some parts that are taking some getting used to. Spending the early morning hours in the emergency room by my wife's bed side while being misgendered by the admin staff or driving through nasty winter storms on the open highway. These types of situations put anyone out of their comfort zones. My old man mode had coping mechanisms to handle that sort of stress, it wasn't necessarily fun but he handled it a lot better than I do now; and I really don't want to develop those isolating, cold, coping mechanisms that I left behind. I guess that I have some things to discuss with my therapist after all. - Anne
I used to have debilitating social anxiety, I am now much more confident and out going. My family and the few people I let into my life in the past have all commented on how much more outgoing and accessible I am now.