Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Hi everyone...I've never been much one for support groups, but I don't know where else to turn right now.

So long story short I'm FTM and I've been on testosterone for 5 years. I have chosen to be stealth (well, as stealth as I can, given that a lot of people in my life felt they could out me without my permission). A lot has changed for me since before I started HRT, I seem to pass all the time and whatnot. I have a few things working against me (beard is a bit patchy still, small bone frame, voice didn't deepen as much as I would like, can't afford surgery but my chest is small enough). But I can't help but feel as though, in spite of being called "sir" all the time and always identified as male, people can "tell" I'm trans and are just being polite. No one really ever says anything to that effect, but it's small things. I work at a rather progressive organization, and so a lot of people there are very familiar with trans issues.  I can't explain it and I don't know if it's paranoia or a valid observation reading between the lines.

Whatever is going on...it seems all I can think about lately is suicide. I wish my transition turned out better but it just wasn't in my genes. I'm scared that I will never meet a woman who will love me for who I am. tbh, I'm less afraid of finding a bigot than I am of finding someone who secretly fetishizes me, who thinks that having been born female makes me some special kind of man. In the past, when people find out I am trans they get fixated and forget that I'm an actual whole human being. It just makes me feel like such ->-bleeped-<-. At 5 years in, I thought this would be a thing of the past. I knew it was POSSIBLE that I may not ever perfectly pass, that it was possible I may not reach my hopes. But I severely underestimated how horrible it would make me feel about myself.

Lately, I just wonder if I have the mettle to carry on if this is all there is for me. If this is as good as it's going to get. As much as I don't want to feel this way, I hate being trans and I just can't accept that it's the way it is. But you know, de-transitioning is simply not an option for me. That "woman" that I was...that was not me in any respect, and I'd honestly rather die right now than ever have to go back to that point.

And yet, I find this "inbetween" stage to be completely unbearable too. I mean it's a hell of a lot better than it was, but I feel like I have no agency, no choice, that I'm still trapped in a body that wasn't mine to begin with. I feel like a failure. Like the type of transition everyone hopes they never become. Like I'm ugly. All I see in the mirror is "her." I've become so depressed lately that I barely leave the house, I don't make friends anymore, I refuse to date, I berate myself when I do find myself attracted to a nice woman because I feel like she'd never like me anyway.

Has anyone ever struggled this long? How did you find peace? How did you stop letting it weigh you down? As much as suicide seems inviting, I don't want to die, I just want to stop feeling this ->-bleeped-<-.

Reading your story is so moving and sad. I see much of my own daily struggle in your words though I'm M2F, there are many similarities. Things like wondering if people know I'm trans or not, are they just 'being nice' and humouring me? It's a cancerous paranoia that pervades everything and spoils so much.
I transitioned 15 years ago, been on hrt for 16 years, had my op 13 years ago (which didn't work out), and yet after all this time, I still feel wretched and have extreme difficulty leaving the house. I spent 4 hours this morning just crying, even whilst I was exercising.
I hate being trans, and like you, genetics have not helped me, especially with the lack of hair on my head, awful voice, and broad shoulders.
It's a tough thing to accept that it's 'as good as it gets', especially when that just isn't good enough.
I am very lucky in that I have a wonderful understanding male partner, but even then, it's extremely difficult to cope at times.
I often think that I'll just off myself, but it's the guilt of hurting my loved ones that holds me back. Sadly there's no love for myself there too, and what kind of existence is that?
Like you, I can't go back, and I don't want to anyway.

How do I cope with things when they get this bad?
Well, I try to distract myself with doing things I enjoy. I try to make sure I'm not alone too much. And I have learnt to give it time, and the dark thoughts pass again, and for a while I feel better.

If you are able to get out and mix with positive supportive people, then that may help you. Try to see your good points (I know it's difficult) and focus on them, we all have good points, even me  :laugh:

I hope you can lift yourself up again, I'm sending you positive thoughts.
Stay safe.

Technically I guess I'm early in my medical transitioning but one year in I thought I'd feel 'happier'. I have better confidence and self esteem but I'm still not totally comfortable how I look. I just started a new job for the first time as simply me and I'm sure they're wondering why I look a bit 'odd' (short, hips, slight moob bump and looking young). I think I just feel that presenting male just feels normal, that's why I don't feel that cliche trans character feeling of being happy 24/7.

It's definitely possible to go out with someone who just sees you as you. My ex gf luckily did although her being pansexual probably made things easier. I'd rather go out with a trans rather than cis person because I still can't shake that paranoid feeling of being 'less'.

Anyway; maybe you could look into cognitive behavioural therapy. It's helped me more than HRT has. You mught also look into volunteering at a trans charity. You'll see that many guys look like you do but are still pretty happy. Plus being a positive for other people may boost your self esteem.

For now I'm just taking one day at a time. I don't expect to be completely 100% happy about how I look; but it's a huge improvement to how I was pre T. I simply try to keep myself busy and remindmyself what i do like about my body. Even uf its just 1 thing.

I second the suggestion to try CBT. I have a psych who is trying this new thing called DBT with me as well. CBT is like mind over matter, it's really powerful. When you talk about being paranoid that people are just being nice to you that made me think CBT might help you a lot.

It's a shame these fears are keeping you from dating at all. There are a lot of different women in the world, and tumblr is not a representative sample.

It is now a good 7+ years since I embarked on this journey. A journey I swore would never be undertaken after two prior attempts. The previous attempts were plagued with the "Some guy in a dress" feeling every time I dared to venture out into the sunlight. Worse was everyone else also keyed in on those vibes. In an un PC age the end results were not pretty.

These days when I go out into the real world as the real me, I am accepted as the woman I present as. I am still that 6ft tall big everything person. How true is that acceptance? No laughs, no odd looks, no comments and nothing worse. I'll take it. I had worse. All this occurring in a very un-progressive rural West Virginia vs in the shadow of NYC in the past

The biggest change has been with me. The "Some guy in a dress" feelings has been replaced with the shear joy of being out in the real world as the real me. I put in several years of hard, oft times difficult work, on my personal growth and development. I had a couple of special angels in my TG support group there to catch me as I began to crash.

I've had many "WTF am I Doing ???" meltdowns and still on occasion do. It sucks. In so many ways I know my life is far far better then what it was. Perfect? Well... Whose is? I am still inside a woman, 6ft tall tall, big frog hands, super extra large feet, and balding badly. Nothing is ever going to change all that.

There are days I wish.... I cry.... that it could be different. I "If Only..." myself into an ever deeper depression. Drink even more, eat even more. Perhaps some attempt at self sabotage? Add too fat drunk and stupid to the list of things wrong with me? Those traits,  along with the rest, sure make it easier to pretend I am a guy again.

Eventually my daily affirmation kicks in:
I Know What Does Not Work

I spent decades doing things one way, turning into a lifeless, soulless Thing. I spent a few years and now feel the joy of being alive, the peace that comes from finally feeling at ease living in my skin, as imperfect and non-ideal as it is. Best of all I achieved my lifelong dream of being seen as and accepted as a woman.

Sorry, I am wrong... Best of all is I have finally come to accept a life long fact that I am a woman

Welcome to the site.

I am so sorry you are still struggling so badly.

I know I have been in a spot similar to what you describe. I have had sever depression most of my adult life. However, I only came to accept myself as trans about a year and a half ago. I know without therapy, I would be still stuck in that dark place.

I did not notice in your post if you are currently seeing a therapist. They help much more than just providing letters. I would encourage you to try to set up an appointment.

I also want to share some links with you. They are mostly welcome information and the rules that govern the site. If you have not had a chance to look through them, please take a moment:

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Reputation rules (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,18960.0.html)	News posting & quoting guidelines (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,174951.0.html)	Photo, avatars, & signature images policy (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,59974.msg383866.html#msg383866)

Once again, welcome to Susan's. Look around, ask questions and join in.

With warmth,

Joanna

My advice is not to define yourself by other people, by their reactions or by "having someone in your life". I know the feeling of wanting someone to love you, the idea of ideal companionship, I know how compelling it is... but it absolutely is not the be all end all of human life. And I think it's entirely possible to go through life and enjoy the best life offers without necessarily orienting your entire life around somebody else. In fact I think you can be happier by seeing to all your other needs first, finding out where you need to work on confidence for example, deal with those before worrying about relationships because they will come easier and be easier if you have dealt with your other issues ahead of them.

I've been pondering the topic of self-actualization a lot recently, and what it means to be self-actualized. It basically means acceptance of self, desire to achieve your potentials, expressing your autonomy and freedom of thought, developing a comfort and not a fear of solitude and one's own company and being able to rely on your own judgement, among other things. I feel this is the best way to overcome all of these problems and find a peace with yourself. I think I may have already done this because despite a long climb and a childhood of rampant self-hate I realized in the last few years I am finally at peace with myself and my own company. I don't think that actualizing yourself by way of whether or not you have won the affections of another person in life is going to mend the things that need mending first. You need to work on your self-esteem by not dwelling on the potential thoughts of other people toward you.

The first step to that, in my case, was to understand that nobody's perfect. Not even them who give you the stares and the glares and the ambiguous glances. And understand that basically they don't really care anyway. People don't care about odd-looking people they might meet in the street and let it plague them when they're back home the way a trans person might take the idea home with them they were being stared at and talked about and laughed about. People really don't give that much thought to it. They see something, they might give a second look, but trust me, they go home and they forget about it. And so should you. Because the opinions or glances of random humans on the street you will never see again are just not important. Digesting this was what led to me not caring a whit if someone stares at me or not. They are part of the background canvas, nothing more.

As for thinking you are ugly. Well, I don't know what you look like, but I have aspects of myself I think are pretty ugly, yet I know there's always someone uglier out there. I'm no Elephant Man even if I'd love to look better. And that's ok. Nobody's actually come up to me and said "Jeez, you're ugly." And even if they did - see point one. Their opinion doesn't matter. The opinion of the self does matter, though, and it needs to be realistic. You pass all the time? Well that's more than I do. It's a start. It's a good thing. Look at the good things and not just the bad. One needs to accept that perfection does not really exist. Improvement where you can make it, will help. How would I deal with the situation of thinking everyone's just being polite? I could care less if they are. I could care less if they call me sir or ma'am - in fact I care so little for what "they" think they could call me anything they want because the only approval or validation I require is my own. I'm heading into transition with this mindset. And I feel fine about it. I'm doing the HRT for myself, the surgery for myself. My sense of personhood and self will not hinge on a pronoun or a title or a glance. It will hinge on what I think of me, and I've come a long way, too long a way to let the rest of the world tell me what I am.

Dating? I've never really wanted to date. I just don't see myself trusting a random person enough from a few meetings to want to get intimate with them. If I've been intimate with people it was people I'd known for a while first, people I knew, already talked to, and had already figured out whether they were decent people. Dating isn't for me as it seems a lot like roulette. So I'd say just make friends first. Don't head in with the intent to find that special someone every time. Don't even head in with romantic inclinations but just good times, good friends, good experiences. I've never dated and I've never chased anyone, but I have had lots of interest from people without trying and I figure it was because meeting people and getting to know them opens up the possibilities. Trying to go out and just find a perfect mate puts too much pressure from the start on everything. I met people at uni, at work, at hobby clubs, on holiday, online. But don't be desperate to find that person because desperation is not a quality you want to enter into a relationship with. Ideally you should enter into it from a strong position, not a weak one, because there are always trials and tribulations ahead in any relationship. To be strong, you need to deal with your own confidence issues first. 

Try to think about things other than other people validating you or liking you. Do things that will make you respect yourself and develop a good relationship with yourself instead and the rest will flow from there.

Quote from: T.K.G.W. on August 30, 2016, 09:08:53 PM

Dating? I've never really wanted to date. I just don't see myself trusting a random person enough from a few meetings to want to get intimate with them. If I've been intimate with people it was people I'd known for a while first, people I knew, already talked to, and had already figured out whether they were decent people. Dating isn't for me as it seems a lot like roulette. So I'd say just make friends first. Don't head in with the intent to find that special someone every time. Don't even head in with romantic inclinations but just good times, good friends, good experiences. I've never dated and I've never chased anyone, but I have had lots of interest from people without trying and I figure it was because meeting people and getting to know them opens up the possibilities. Trying to go out and just find a perfect mate puts too much pressure from the start on everything. I met people at uni, at work, at hobby clubs, on holiday, online. But don't be desperate to find that person because desperation is not a quality you want to enter into a relationship with. Ideally you should enter into it from a strong position, not a weak one, because there are always trials and tribulations ahead in any relationship. 

I have just quoted the above passage because it is exactly the way I approach dating and relationships and friendships. I've never gone "looking for" a relationship, merely friendship, fun and companionship. In that way, if a relationship develops, then it's a bonus, and is usually a strong one where there are many shared interests.