Okay so first off, I'm out to my whole family now. Well, the ones who actually live in this state anyway.
Okay, so honestly this has been building up little by little for a short while now, this feeling of no way in hell can I do this, it's just way to big, way to big, I just have to stop thinking about it, and tonight it's just gotten so bad I feel near panic attack levels, and I haven't felt that way since before I came out so it's been a few weeks.
I'm sorry that you're having a difficult night.
When we set unfeasible expectations, making progress doesn't feel rewarding and to fill the void, we create destructive habits such as drug abuse, overeating, procrastination, etc...,
To break these destructive habits, start by setting your bar very low everyday and forgiving yourself that this is all that you're capable of for now. This will cause the small amount of progress you make to feel rewarding and as a result, you'll slowly develop productive habits, and the ability to accomplish ever more ambitious goals.
Don't let fear lead you back to suppression. Doing so will just place a heavy melancholy on you, and stymie your ability to alleviate it.
I felt the same way when I came out. I found the path to medically transitioning overwhelming especially as I had to do it on my own with no support. What slightly helped was thinking to myself of steps to follow and trying not to think of the next step; just concentrating on one thing at a time. I also constantly reminded myself of how much it'll be worth it in the end.
If I recall correctly, coming out to your family was not an easy process. You have done the personally most difficult part by sharing your big secret. Now you have to ride it out. Of course it's scary because your family means a lot to you. You need to give them time and take care of yourself in the meantime.
That's what I don't like about coming out. People hear trans and they immediately form their own ideas based on what they're read online, heard on tv, or simply via cultural osmosis. Culture really pushed the idea of transformation and makeovers, with big change, because that's sensationalism. I like to go at my own slow pace, stop when I want, with no pressure from family members who think I'm going to end up creeping them out or something.
Oh my family ended up being good about it, none of them reacted negatively. Several I believe are still in the disbelief stage, and my sister said the first day how it just seemed weird, not being trans, just cause she never would of expected that. Or she's forgotten at this point, it's very hard to tell with her, lol. We've never gotten along, my family were always saying how a brother and a sister shouldn't fight this much anymore, well now I know it's because it's actually sister rivalry or whatever, lol
It's just me who's causing all the not good tonightness, I have aspergers, and the aspect of it I got, is my mind is basically constantly moving, I can never stop thinking and it just leads to all this freak out from time to time.
One plus side to the way my mind works though is I basically remember every single song I've ever heard. Some need a bit of a push to fall into place, but basically I don't need to listen to something to listen to music, lol
All good advice..
I have Asperger"s too and my first 6weeks of telling family and close friends was filled with almost more tears and stress than i thought i could ever handle..but i stuck with it and slowly but surely, always moved forward..
things got better ..( HRT helped alot ) and now.. 1.5 yrs later.. i have no regrets and for the first time ever..I can honestly say I feel emotions and feel very content and dare i say happy with life..
There have been, and there will always be bumps in the road, but I am in a much better place to handle them..
bottom line .. Hang in there..Do what you feel is right and be true to yourself.. You always have friends here.. and don't let other people wear you down..