So I finally came out to my mother last night and highly regret it. Her response was everything I had feared it would be. I might post the details of the conversation later. But right now I am feeling super awful and am starting to doubt whether or not I am actually transsexual. Maybe I am just a fetishistic crossdresser. Please, I need someone to convince me to transition. I hate seeing my mother this uncomfortable around me. I have actually thought about killing myself twice today.
All of my friends accepted me when I came out to them. I don't understand why this is so difficult on her. She blames my being trans on herself, like it was something she did wrong while I was in the whom. Like it's a disease. I want to tell her its just a joke, belated april fools day. I knew there was never going to be a right time to come out to her, with all the stress she has to deal with at work and all her financial issues and the things that she thinks my brother is doing ( thats another story for another day).
I have never been a depressed person before, but last night really got to me.
Please, I need someone to convince me that I am trans. I don't want the usual, "this is only something you can decide". I really need reassurance that is the right path for me. Ask me questions to evaluate if I am trans or not.
I'm sorry your mum had a bad reaction, not something we ever want, but it happens, if you're right and she is feeling guilt, time and your love can only help.
I can't say who or what you are, you really are the only one to answer that question.
If there were a test you could take, and it said you weren't transgender, how would you feel about that? and how would you feel if it said you were?
Hey, coming out to either of your parents is going to be stressful even in the best of situations, so try not to take it too personally. I imagine you've already explained to her some of the like medical realities of being trans? If not that may help. It sounds like you're also struggling internally, so make sure to keep the opinions of others a little out of they way of that so you can figure out how you feel.
And if you're worried whether or not you're actually transsexual, chances are you probably are. Probably not in every case, but generally speaking cis people don't worry about their gender identity a whole lot. It's normal to have doubts, especially when you're coming out and beginning transition.
Quote from: Draculess on September 07, 2016, 03:24:43 PM
And if you're worried whether or not you're actually transsexual, chances are you probably are.
But I am really good at convincing my self of things. Like when I was younger, I would go to the movies and for the next week I would be able to quote the character and act just like them. I would basically be that character for that whole week. What if I am just doing that and I am not really trans.
Quote from: Draculess on September 07, 2016, 03:24:43 PM
Hey, coming out to either of your parents is going to be stressful even in the best of situations, so try not to take it too personally. I imagine you've already explained to her some of the like medical realities of being trans? If not that may help. It sounds like you're also struggling internally, so make sure to keep the opinions of others a little out of they way of that so you can figure out how you feel.
And if you're worried whether or not you're actually transsexual, chances are you probably are. Probably not in every case, but generally speaking cis people don't worry about their gender identity a whole lot. It's normal to have doubts, especially when you're coming out and beginning transition.
I would say stay away from discussing 'medical realities'. My mother was fine and calm, until she researched this under her own initiative and became distraught. Maybe if this persons mother is a surgeon, they could bring it up, but for most laypeople, to look at the details of those medical realities, it's probably not going to help their sleep quality.
I think it's one of the most unfortunate things about the theories that it all stems from hormonal balances in the womb - it lays 'fault' at the door of the mother, despite her having done nothing wrong and thinking she had a healthy baby. It would be much better to say 'we don't know, nothing is conclusive, it just happens' until science actually knows for sure.
Quote from: supergirl23 on September 07, 2016, 03:40:37 PM
But I am really good at convincing my self of things. Like when I was younger, I would go to the movies and for the next week I would be able to quote the character and act just like them. I would basically be that character for that whole week. What if I am just doing that and I am not really trans.
You're not doing that though are you? When you were acting out movie characters, you knew you weren't actually that character, unless you were having psychotic episodes. Which isn't what acting is.
You've already written enough on this bbs I believe you're trans. I can't scattershot questions at you to make that more clear.
What I can say is you're probably not depressed. Depression is mainly a chemical state of mind and it doesn't come on overnight. You've been hit with something hard and being sad or even extremely shaken is a normal response. Depression is usually about inability to find any joy even about the good things. And this does sound like what you're experiencing right now but it's temporary.
So the first important thing to me is don't hurt yourself and if you have doubts I say that's ok.
Here's a reason to begin transition, when you start estrogen you will experience changes and if you're trans they're going to feel good - beyond placebo good. The only downside of trying hrt that I know of is it may be hard to go back.
Next, look at what your mom did. She's made this all about her. Now that's not uncommon and certainly I don't think it's fair (my gf of 18 years did this every time the subject came up, including when I decided I needed to proceed). On the other hand it's something people do when faced with change.
You could look at it as grief. Your mom is dealing with what she thinks is the loss of the person she knows and it's quite likely that she will come to realize how much happier you are becoming who you need to be and become accepting.
I have my own grief as a transitioning female. I may well soon lose trade the penis that's been my gateway to sexuality for my whole life. The partnership has never been a comfortable one, however it's one I know and the prospect of a neovagina is only as yet one I can imagine.
I've already been through this with HRT. I don't much miss the frame of mind that I've been released from but it was easier, matched my exterior and has also given me a sexuality that's been rewarding and varied. So there are things to let go of.
And so what if it proves that you have a fetish? Or if you do and choose not to transition (this is part of who I've been for the last 16 years). I can relate to your fear and finding that that fetish has nearly evaporated with HRT is one of the things I'm learning to let go of. On the other hand I'm still able to enjoy sex and I very much anticipate the possibility, likelihood even that sex after surgery will replace the fetish with a less titillating and yet oh so much more satisfying reality.
For my part I never want to come out to mother and the only reason I can imagine doing so is if I can't manage financially through loss of income due to recovery.
So now to more reasons to transition. I said my SO was very unhappy about my decision at first. It took several days for her to be better able to talk and allow that she cares about me and our relationship than whether I'm equipped with a cock. Now, 8 months later she has seen me happier and while the feminine side of me has always been a part of her (nonsexual) attraction to who I am, I think now she recognizes that that persona can no longer stand being biologically male.
Next, I finally had the discussion with my daughter (granted this was the one I was less worried about) and she was a bit surprised and yet also not completely and was completely understanding about my need to change. She's on the other side of the world (NZ) and so it had to be by 'phone rather than in person but still it's a relief.
Very few people get through this without some difficulties in the coming out process. I think and hope things will improve with your mom, however in the long run you probably know it's not her 'fault' and also that you need to be female.
There are a number of implicit questions here, please do respond.
Quote from: supergirl23 on September 07, 2016, 03:40:37 PM
But I am really good at convincing my self of things. Like when I was younger, I would go to the movies and for the next week I would be able to quote the character and act just like them. I would basically be that character for that whole week. What if I am just doing that and I am not really trans.
Well a lot about transition for many of us is exactly about roles.
For me, I can't say for certain whether biology or upbringing or what combination brings me to today. What I do know is feminine roles are absolutely more comfortable to me. All my life I had to learn how to take on the various roles that men are expected to and it's been an uncomfortable thing almost uniformly.
I rock climb far more like a girl than a guy, when doing the things I enjoy most I invariably feel a gracefulness that I always envied in women. I never wanted to be Fred Astaire and hate leading when I dance, always wanted to be the female partner.
I was incredibly uncomfortable in my body when I was young. As I learned much later in life how to be more comfortable i realize later that that always involved being more graceful and that those were the roles I aspired to, even before I realized that there was anything about gender going on.
Quote from: supergirl23 on September 07, 2016, 03:10:00 PM
All of my friends accepted me when I came out to them. I don't understand why this is so difficult on her.
It's because she's your
mother. She's known you for longer than you've known yourself. She gave birth to you. She is your mom, and unlike your friends, she can't just leave your life if you're not getting along. Parents are
always going to have a much,
much harder time accepting a child who comes out as trans than any friends, co-workers, or any other relatives.
When a person decides to come out and announce that they're transitioning, they must be mentally and emotionally prepared to lose their mother. And father. And any other relatives... maybe
all of them. They must be ready to lose their friends. The need to be their authentic gender must be
so strong that it doesn't matter if they lose literally everyone in their life. That is what it means to transition. You should have been prepared for that before you came out. Did your gender therapist not prepare you for this possibility?
Maybe you should talk to your gender therapist again if you are having serious doubts about transitioning. If you're not already seeing a therapist, I strongly urge you to make that your highest priority. Especially if you are having doubts like this.
Moms.
Emotionally invested, biologically invested and tied to the hopes and dreams of being proud of their progeny.
For her it will have opened a whole raft of questions, and concerns. How did I miss this, what were the signs, how did I not create the right physical body, is it something I did, did I do something wrong, am I being punished and more.
Just as your world was rocked by the discovery of your true self, hers has been rocked, because all that she had done so far, and her imagination of a future (giving hope), has been rocked.
As a dutiful daughter, you know how much impact that has had, and feel guilt. You would also do anything for your mom, even if that means trying to deny and remain living as a characature.
Transition does not make us trans, and it is not something to be hurried. Breathe, relax, talk with your therapist, take your own sweet time and then decide what you want to do.
Sno.
*edited to fix typo
Quote from: Sno on September 07, 2016, 06:13:23 PM
As a dutiful daughter, you know how much impact that has had, and feel guilt. You would also do anything for your mom, even if that means trying to deny and remain living as a characature.
So is this the reason why I feel so terrible right now? Why I feel like I shouldn't transition?
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For some reason you are uncomfortable with the thought of transitioning. For many years you have hid this from others and now it's going to all be in the open. You still have the fear of discovery, the fear that you might not pass, the fear that you can't do it, the fear of something new/totally different that's out of your comfort zone.
There is safety staying where you are but the question is will you be happy there or will you always want the transition.
seems like therapy would be a good place to thrash around some ideas
Quote from: supergirl23 on September 07, 2016, 03:10:00 PM
Please, I need someone to convince me that I am trans. I don't want the usual, "this is only something you can decide".
I'm sorry, it's not what you want to hear right now, but you are basically asking us to answer a question you know the answer to already. (And I think deep down you realize it too or you would not have phrased it that way.) This
is something only you can decide.
But if it's any consolation everybody goes through that. I did. It took awhile but I got there and finally admitted to myself I am trans. My advice is do lots of reading and research on transgender issues. Don't rush it. It sounds like your pretty young. So you have lots of time to figure it out. A good gender counselor was an invaluable help in helping me see that transition was in my best interest.
For instance I told her once that I wasn't 100% sure that I wanted/needed to transition. One thing she told me that helped was, "No one is ever 100% sure that transition is the right thing. If you wait for that 100% certainty you'll never get there." And she was right. But once I started HRT all the doubts and fears just melted away and, I know it sounds trite, but I really did start to feel more comfortable living in my own skin. The myth of transgender regret is just that. A myth.
Good luck, be patient with yourself. You will eventually figure it out.
Well, as mentioned before, therapy is a good idea and one that I feel is absolutely essential to a clean transition. I do have to wonder, why would you act out roles you see in movies for days on end? This is totally armchair psychiatry here, but it sounds like you've been wanting to leave yourself for a while. Roleplaying is a great way to do just that. It's why I was in theater all through high school, cause I was stuck in this stupid body with this stupid life attached to it manufactured by a stupid set of social customs we have all come to accept.
Gender Identity, and honestly any kind of identity is tooooootally in your court to figure out. It sounds like you're still figuring it out, which is good and necessary. Fortunately, the process of transitioning involves a fantastic amount of bureaucracy, so while you're figuring out just where you stand on the spectrum of gender, you can be taking steps to get things started. By the time you come to some physical Point of No Return, you'll probably have a much better bearing on where you are. I think you want to change, if not transition into a new gender then at least transition into a new way of life. Transition isn't about being a woman or a man, it's about getting away from what you thought you should be and becoming who you truly are.
Quote from: supergirl23 on September 07, 2016, 03:10:00 PM
So I finally came out to my mother last night and highly regret it. Her response was everything I had feared it would be. I might post the details of the conversation later. But right now I am feeling super awful and am starting to doubt whether or not I am actually transsexual. Maybe I am just a fetishistic crossdresser. Please, I need someone to convince me to transition. I hate seeing my mother this uncomfortable around me. I have actually thought about killing myself twice today.
All of my friends accepted me when I came out to them. I don't understand why this is so difficult on her. She blames my being trans on herself, like it was something she did wrong while I was in the whom. Like it's a disease. I want to tell her its just a joke, belated april fools day. I knew there was never going to be a right time to come out to her, with all the stress she has to deal with at work and all her financial issues and the things that she thinks my brother is doing ( thats another story for another day).
I have never been a depressed person before, but last night really got to me.
Please, I need someone to convince me that I am trans. I don't want the usual, "this is only something you can decide". I really need reassurance that is the right path for me. Ask me questions to evaluate if I am trans or not.
No one but you can convince you. BTW- Since when is gender Binary? Just because you are trans (If you think you are, You Are. The real trick is WHERE in the spectrum you reside, TODAY), is not an automatic "THOU MUST TRANSITION SOCIALLY AND MEDICALLY" sentence.
I much prefer the dictionary version of "Transition" which is simply to change. Over these past 7 years I changed, A LOT. I also still present primarily as male. I started the very difficult process of healing and even more difficult process of understanding WHO I am.
The "Right" path is the one that takes you away from PAIN. This often involves a LOT of compromises. At the end of the day, I found the answer to one simple question yields the best path to follow:
"Which Pain is Worse?" (Yes, I am a glass half-empty person) Some Joy, vs Pain? Fear vs Pain?
A lot of great input in this thread. I don't have anything to add beyond repeating that therapy is a great place to start. It sounds so stereotypical to say that but let me say that for me it was the first place where I was able to come out. As well, my initial therapist was my first ally in my transition. There was so much that opened up to me because of that. It really started my transition moving forward.
I get the feeling you're situation is different, you are much younger, have friends you're out to etc. But I also sense you're sort of on your own in some way. Maybe that's incorrect, but the question you're asking here... which is great that you're asking... seems so ripe for therapy with a good caring gender therapist. You might find it really quells many of your worries while also providing you with a safe strong ally while you weather some of the negativity you're feeling.
If you're not in therapy, then don't assume you know what it is... I was worried someone would not appreciate my mind and try to fix something which I didn't feel was broken, and so forth... but I was wrong. It was actually much simpler than I expected. It was a safe place to talk, feel enabled (what you seem to be seeking), and it catapulted me forward in a very positive way.
If you're already out to your mother, that's one of the toughest things for many people, so you're obviously brave/courageous... so going to a couple of therapists to find one who resonates with you should be easy for you, at the very least as a simple curious experiment if nothing else seems to drive you. If you don't like it, you don't have to continue, but why not call, go, find out? Make it a fun thing to try out as opposed to some weighty "medical" or "care provider" thing... it can be fun and light... go and talk about how you feel and see what happens.
Hi,
Reading your post relates to my past perfectly.... Heres what I can tell you...
5 Years later I am regretting all the time that I lost because of my mothers horrible reaction!
I had the same feelings as what your feeling now and I stupidly let her thoughts run my life and went into a strong denial I was trans for about 4 years.
Guess what? The feelings never go away!
Please don't make the same mistake I did and waste 4-5 years of your life because of sombody's bad reaction!
:) :) :)
A proverb of sorts... It's easier to ask forgiveness than permission...
Easier, not necessarily better. Definitely easier. And there's nothing here that should require forgiveness anyway. ;)
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Just a quick update.
My mother and I have just talked about me coming out and she is now supporting and loving like the way she was before I had come out. She did ask if i have thought about the public backlash and I told her that everything will be fine. I should ask though, how will the public treat me? I'm not planning on only going full time as soon as I get my hormones. I am planning on waiting until I can no longer pass as male. So will that help with how the public and my new coworkers view me? Also since I am starting a new job, what kind of obstacles will I face? I guess I should put this in a new thread. But I'm afraid if I don't post this here, that I will forget to post it later lol.
I went full time after about 1 year for the most part. I had good changes like breast growth which became quite noticeable especially when I wore my tight jacket. By the time I went totally full time I think people must of said it's about time.
Because male fail isn't a sure thing, I would suggest you work with your image like growing your hair out, electro, voice makeup and wardrobe starting as soon a possible. Once you get those reasonably under control, you should experiment with part time so you become comfortable in public. The reason for this is because all of it takes time and would be difficult to address at the last minute or when you are forced into it. In addition, you dysphoria could force you into transitioning before male fail occurs.
There is an additional benefit as well, you may discover you pass even before male fail occurs. In my case, I could still present a male image even though without considering the hair, I looked pretty much like my avatar.
Quote from: supergirl23 on September 10, 2016, 12:25:43 PM
Just a quick update.
My mother and I have just talked about me coming out and she is now supporting and loving like the way she was before I had come out. She did ask if i have thought about the public backlash and I told her that everything will be fine. I should ask though, how will the public treat me? I'm not planning on only going full time as soon as I get my hormones. I am planning on waiting until I can no longer pass as male. So will that help with how the public and my new coworkers view me? Also since I am starting a new job, what kind of obstacles will I face? I guess I should put this in a new thread. But I'm afraid if I don't post this here, that I will forget to post it later lol.
Quote from: Dena on September 10, 2016, 01:07:37 PM
Because male fail isn't a sure thing, I would suggest you work with your image like growing your hair out, electro, voice makeup and wardrobe starting as soon a possible. Once you get those reasonably under control, you should experiment with part time so you become comfortable in public. The reason for this is because all of it takes time and would be difficult to address at the last minute or when you are forced into it. In addition, you dysphoria could force you into transitioning before male fail occurs.
There is an additional benefit as well, you may discover you pass even before male fail occurs. In my case, I could still present a male image even though without considering the hair, I looked pretty much like my avatar.
As Dena points out, you don't get to predict "pass or fail", the person viewing you makes their own decision of what they see. Please don't make someone else's perception of you a milestone, you're setting yourself up for failure. This is about you, not the rest of the world. Do what makes YOU happy, do what YOU need to do, and the world will follow your lead. :)
Hugs, Devlyn
Quote from: Dena on September 10, 2016, 01:07:37 PM
Because male fail isn't a sure thing, I would suggest you work with your image like growing your hair out, electro, voice makeup and wardrobe starting as soon a possible. Once you get those reasonably under control, you should experiment with part time so you become comfortable in public. The reason for this is because all of it takes time and would be difficult to address at the last minute or when you are forced into it. In addition, you dysphoria could force you into transitioning before male fail occurs.
There is an additional benefit as well, you may discover you pass even before male fail occurs. In my case, I could still present a male image even though without considering the hair, I looked pretty much like my avatar.
I don't mean to be naive, but what is male fail and why is it not a sure thing? I have never seen that in any post that I have read before.
Also, I am going to start laser soon,just as soon as I get my first paycheck from my new job. I have been getting a new wardrobe together. I have started working on my voice and think I found the right pitch. I just need to find the right resonance. My makeup is coming together nicely, I just need to learn how to use less of it.
Mail fail is when you are gendered female instead of male. Some of our members are so affected by estrogen that they can no longer pass as male. Many of us need a little help to reach that point. As for the reason why it's not a sure thing is many of us have bone structure or years of testosterone poisoning that estrogen is unable to fully reverse. Estrogen isn't as powerful as testosterone so it tends to be a bit more difficult for MTFs to pass after starting hormones.
So if I start HRT at 21, is that early enough to reverse the effects of testosterone?
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Not completely but maybe enough. It depends on genetics and your response to HRT. Nothing is a sure thing in the transition.
Consider the fact you will still need to get your beard removed, your voice will remain the same and other features have already developed. They can't be undone but some of these changes may not be enough to effect the final results.
To put things in perspective, I was born like this, literally, including infant genital surgery and all, and my mom and dad and many past childhood mates and peers and such who know, don't 'accept' me like this, which is pretty much incomprehensible, considering I biologically and physiologically had absolutely no say in it. So therefore, yes, indeed, for you to transition, you must be entirely prepared to disregard any and all naysayers, no questions asked, so to speak. Seriously, the same advice I'd give to anyone really, is to just be yourself. If you do that, and someone doesn't approve of 'you', then you must continue forth. If you're in need of something from them, in other words, support with finances or a place to reside, etcetera; then that is an entirely different issue and a topic for another thread which has nothing to do with you being either intersex or transsexual.
Great news! I'm glad she has adjusted and I'm not surprised - it takes most people some time.
How it will be for you in public could depend as much on where you live as how you present. Speaking for places I know, Boston is different from Cambridge which is far different from San Francisco.
There are some great guides for improving your passability and it takes work. The devil really is in the details.
Quote from: supergirl23 on September 10, 2016, 12:25:43 PM
... My mother and I have just talked about me coming out and she is now supporting and loving like the way she was before I had come out. ...
Congratulations! That's wonderful... sounds like you have a wonderful mother. She obviously really loves you.
Sorry your family reacted that way. I definitely wanted some guarantee that this was right for me before I started, but it's not that easy unless you are just really sure of yourself. I gradually felt comfortable that I was making the right decision over time. That I was happy instead of terrified when breast development started to show was a good sign.