I've moved out of my house a couple days ago and I've been living inside my own apartment it's a decent size and is
very nice it feels welcoming, although i haven't really gotten the courage up to meet my neighbors yet i wait until people are gone then i leave my apartment, so i can avoid all socialization of the outside world. Although that is something i'm slowly but surely working on i don't plan to become extroverted. Eventually i wouldn't mind being a little social it may be nice for once but at the moment i'm good!Moving onward besides my apartment and my avoidance I've come out to my sister as Transgender and she seemed to have taken to the news very nicely It gave me some hope although it wasn't long after i was asked by my sister to give my nephew a couple years before we brake the news to him that i'm not his aunt but his uncle.
I don't like having to wait to tell my nephew but it's not my place to say anything and i just have to hope it works out.
My parents on the other hand it's the same old with them the fake acceptance as if it'll go away eventually. They claim they understand while in the same day of saying they understand they decide to say non- accepting things like i can never get used to using male pronouns. Or how unmanly i am yea that's always fun (sarcastic) I truly don't know it's been a entire year and probably a couple months i haven't really kept a good eye on how long its been. If it takes longer then when i'm already on T it's a done deal i'm getting my g.e.d and i'm high tailing out of here! It's not that i don't care about them i do care, but i can't keep living there idea of my life if things don't change it's time for me to move on while they do whatever. In the distant future my goal at the moment is to someday be stealth. Don't get me wrong It's not that i don't want to help/support our community but i just want to live my life as a person. I want to someday explore the world around me and go on many adventures in my life time life is short. Maybe someday i'll be more open about being trans but that'll have to be when i'm ready. :)
Today I haven't been doing anything but my grandmother did bring me up some little stands for my apartment while I had just got done tearing up so that was very awkward but slightly humors.
Besides that I've been thinking a lot about how I'm going to address my distant family about being transgender and I have come to the conclusion I'm just going to make it simple I'm "Transgender" which means I'm actually male trapped inside the wrong body and I'm transitioning soon.
I don't want it to be drawn out I just want to say it and people take it how they please and I continue my own life doing what I please. This will be the last part of coming out for me to family and I'm glad
Because I'm sick and tired of being hidden. Although its scary, I love some of my distant family and in the back of my mind I keep thinking I only care about two of them am I going to lose them? But besides that I guess its just a normal day although I've been thinking about getting myself another kitten
I've always wanted to bye a black persian cat and name them Galaxy, so I figured why not plus it'll give me something to do while I'm waiting for things to probably hit the fan and waiting for calls to come in so i can take my g.e.d and other things like hoping i can get into a program that'll give me rides sense i can't drive.
Coming out went fine i got a bunch of likes and hearts from people a sent quote and
someone shared it so others can know it made me nervous but it's so far going good.
I don't trust everyone who said they understand because some where very homophobic so who is to say they are not transphobic and just playing along? But i guess only time can tell if people really understand or it's all just words to them. But so far so good! :)
I'm thinking though its clear i can do what i need with my life it's a feeling that iv'e never completely felt before things have changed in only a months time. I may transition, but i want to explore more.
:( I'm not even on T and i think i'm very slightly getting a retreating hairline but i don't think anyone can notice so that's good. I guess in the end i shouldn't be scared of T because apparently i'm going to have to face the hair loss fear anyways! (to whatever degree it happens) I don't know really, i'll probably take T but my next andro appointment is a little while away. My fears are actually becoming less because of this twisted fate so yep. But maybe not fearing just last for tonight? i don't know but i hope not fearing stays because i'm sick of being scared to continue my life and be happy. I'm also planning on taking a couple more counselor meetings i can manage the cash so why not? It'll help and be important i'm sick of always having problems and being grumpy that isn't a good way to live my life. Although my traumas in my past do not help me.
Please don't ask I will not openly speak about my traumas but i will say there not trans related although being trans doesn't help them or me. (Not even writing them traumas is good for me) The choices in my life haven't been that good in my past or now but things happen just seems to happen a lot to me why me? good job me :( But i don't know i'm not having doubts tonight so that's one plus? I guess i don't have much to say tonight. Life is just very slow and nothing is going on or happening its basic stuff also one big waiting game.
I'm feeling like pushing everyone away
I don't like or want people near me recently i feel like i'm always doing something wrong so its better for me to live
alone instead of others trying to connect to me as a person who cannot even deal with myself.
I feel like if i'm alone its better for not only myself but others around me and if people can't deal with me then
i shouldn't let them near me. I've been telling my own friends recently that i don't want to talk every time they try to interact with me i've been doing things consciously to a degree so i can make them want to go away because it's better to get people to go away then to hurt them in the end. Or at least that's what my brains been doing and clearly it works
because some of my friends don't understand why but there not approaching and i feel like that's better and its a lot less painful for both sides. I refuse to make everything look all happy and go lucky but at the same time i don't really want to this to others and i don't want to be hurting others or others to be hurting me most people say its face it and get up and over the problem. Although, what if you are that problem? Nobody helps you, you help you and i don't like that reality. I feel like i shouldn't say a word shouldn't post shouldn't this shouldn't that :-X
What am i supposed to do lie? ;D act like its okay? It's not that i don't want to heal i do
it's not that i don't want my friends i do but other then putting myself on drugs what am i supposed to do?
Get up? How? .__. i feel like laying down and looking at the stars above.
It's so strange to me how my moods can go from depressed and gloomy to completely calm and happy
Although i do enjoy the days where i am really happy and everything is going good even if nothing is happening in life,
It's common for me to swing inside my moods but i'm used to it doing this more often then not and manage.
I've been looking around forums at some helpful information that's also calming me and i'm having feelings about
starting testosterone soon and i'm still not scared, so find myself not being scared for this long is for sure different although don't get me wrong with my feelings i never am sure if it'll change. But maybe i'm getting closer to being ready to wanting to take the step and finally saying so what if it's a risk on somethings i'll be okay! If i don't focus on my fears as often sometimes it makes me feel better and i'm not so worried about the "What ifs" that i shouldn't be worrying about anyways because all that's creating is more unhealthy fear over things i can't control. (Possible Trigger warning coming up) I remember being stuck inside the hospital sitting in this hospital room and thinking "I'm scared i can't start testosterone i don't have the guts others have. It isn't possible for me" Once i got to the crisis place i ended up hating it there but to be honest i liked one girl who really helped me she even looked up transgender and did research just to try and understand. She came in found suggestions for me and we wrote a HRT pro's and cons list
while we talked to each other it wasn't long before i went back into this other room and told myself i had the courage to do this. Although before i new it in that mindset i put myself back at step one again and didn't end up doing it but the point is it goes away and comes back....but every time i see the thought stay its like the thought i can do this starts staying for longer and longer i doubt that feeling for sure thinking is it just in my head? But besides the doubt it's like
it's just waiting for me and i wan't to stop being scared.
Hi Tristan,
I can remember being in a crises when I called for an intake. I was scared to walk into Mazzoni (they treat thousands of trans). I was scared sitting in the waiting room thinking they will call my preferred name. I looked around and everyone in the waiting room was trans.
Intake felt so unbelievably good. I was referred to a gender therapist and not allowed hormones ones because I was suicidal.
I remember being scared walking into the lgbt community center to see a therapist.
I was scared to tell my wife, HR, my boss, people at work and so on.
I was scared to express at work too.
I have learned to me fear is something inside that makes me stop and really think it this what I should do. It is healthy to a point. I allowed for too long for fear to stop me from doing what I needed to do. I was stuck and in a type of hell. Fear is something that can be good. Not doing something because of fear may not be good.
I have been feeling strange this feeling of i want HRT and then a switch like who am i?
it's a combination of both feelings and i'm not very good at understanding two feelings together.
I was never very good at understanding more then one feeling or emotion, i'm worried my judgment on my own life will be a horrible mistake. :( And at the same time i want to move forward. I'm feeling like it may be a long time before i'm comfortable enough to make that big of a life decision i grew up believing i didn't have enough understanding to do much of anything in my life and to do this on my own makes me question.
Growing up nobody ever really told me good things and when they did there was always something to fix
till this day the same thing happens there is always something to fix always something i'm doing wrong.
How do you know right if you don't know yourself? but then again my brains says i do i question my own mind my own perception. My endocrinologist appointment is soon and i fear i'm going to jump into this and be a fool for doing so. She's going to teach me early how to do the shot but i feel scared still....i don't know if i want to run away but i questioned not showing up.
Quote from: Rachel Lynn on September 14, 2016, 09:14:45 PM
Hi Tristan,
I can remember being in a crises when I called for an intake. I was scared to walk into Mazzoni (they treat thousands of trans). I was scared sitting in the waiting room thinking they will call my preferred name. I looked around and everyone in the waiting room was trans.
Intake felt so unbelievably good. I was referred to a gender therapist and not allowed hormones ones because I was suicidal.
I remember being scared walking into the lgbt community center to see a therapist.
I was scared to tell my wife, HR, my boss, people at work and so on.
I was scared to express at work too.
I have learned to me fear is something inside that makes me stop and really think it this what I should do. It is healthy to a point. I allowed for too long for fear to stop me from doing what I needed to do. I was stuck and in a type of hell. Fear is something that can be good. Not doing something because of fear may not be good.
I don't know if my fear is good or bad fear to be honest
I have my counselors appointment tomorrow i guess i'll post after the appointment because i have nothing to say at the moment other then being emotionally all over the place with my feelings,
There is no point in even venting about something i won't be allowed to speak about so yep.
Why express a feeling when you can't? Maybe the counselor can help me focus on other things.
I've just returned from my counselor appointment iv'e spoken to him about a couple things and we basically went over subjects that where getting in my way of transition. It all boils down to i'm done sitting around doing nothing and letting others control how i feel and want to live my life. For a while i felt like nothing was going forward and like anything i've done wasn't even getting done. He pointed out to me the beginning of when i felt like this and made me realize things are actually moving and i am actually doing things to go forward.
I'm not someone who just sits in a chair and does nothing all day! For some reason i was seeing myself like that in my mind so it upset me. I still doubt my choices but i'll figure it out and i'm going to figure it out.
I refuse to let others get into my way while i'm going forward with my own life because i need to do this i don't want to feel locked up in a cage the rest of my life that's not who i am, it never was i'm a person who's soul is like a bird always flying around free. And when i don't feel that sense of freedom within my heart and let the wind take me around the world then i start to lose hope and courage even in my everyday life outside of transition. I'm a adventurer a traveler and i'm built to walk many paths even ones like transition i just happen to be apart of probably by chance..
I've been upset today
I keep thinking about my childhood and my teenage years i keep remembering how much i wanted to join the boys soccer team and how much i wanted to play on the boys hockey team and all kinds of sports that i did enjoy but said i didn't and never did because my mother told me "You can't join the boys team you're not a boy" I remember i'd always refuse after that my mother would try pressuring me to still join the team if i wanted. But she never understood and it just made me never do what i wanted because i didn't want to be thrown in with the girls. Maybe to some people simple things like that doesn't matter but i keep getting upset thinking about it because i sometimes take walks past a running track where all the people are running and playing shocker on the other side of the track. And i think to myself "I never got to do that" "I don't know how that feels" "I don't know how to play soccer" These are things i missed out on and things i still deeply want to do in my life but i don't know if someone my age can. And they'd never teach someone as old as me so its a done deal, its not like i can go back and make it happen anyways.
I remember the only male sport i ever got to do was wrestling i was for a while the only female doing it and the teacher didn't want me to because i was going to quote and quote "Get hurt" and there was no girl teams.
Well, i got in and did it anyways and it was the only time in my life i ever got to be on a team with the boys and i had a blast i'll never forget it. Even my grandmother said "I'll get hurt" and thinking about what she said makes me angry.
Then that came to a end because my parents stopped providing me rides because i became less involved when they decided to switch teams and put me with this female that joined, at that point it wasn't long before i stopped going back and i didn't care about it anymore. It was the only time i felt i fit in with other boys...and even now as i'm older sometimes i hear the yelling of people outside my apartment and i get triggered wishing i could go back in time and have more experiences and force myself into the team i wanted. Now i'm just living a life questioning myself or even when i'm not doubting i ask is it even worth it? Half my life has passed yea i'll be male but i'll never gain that feeling again that feeling of fitting in of being apart of something sometimes i wonder if its gone if it was some how over time ripped away and i can't seem to grasp onto it again. :'( I wish on days like today that i was just born a guy
that everything could be the same but i'd just happen to be a cis born male.
Tonight is horrible i feel like i'm trying to keep happy but inside i can't even smile
I'm trying to figure out the problem besides childhood, and i can't.
I actually don't know what is wrong its like i'm sad without reason or i'm sad and its so hidden that i can't find the reason why i am sad. I know it has to do with transition but that's all i know. My doctor asked me if i was sad and i said no i'm not because i didn't realize i was i had a clue but i didn't fully realize i was even my counselor said something relating to the same idea. So what the heck! -.- why?
He told me after i started smiling/laughing that "There is the Tristan he knows"so clearly they noticed but why didn't i notice this time, i know when i'm sad....normally.
:) Been happy today :)
Just chilling out at home
My next endocrinologist appointment is October 3rd i'm nervous, for other reasons but it'll work out.
She said next appointment which should be this one she is going to teach me how to do everything although
i probably won't go on it yet. I don't know how i feel i get nervous over unknown future things though so that is very common for me. I don't know what i'll do but at least i'm not sad today. I guess i'm having some issues with insurance though, and i hope i get it cleared up because i can't afford this without a good job and
if they can't cover i can't transition it'll be a done deal. But i'm hoping...it'll be okay, legally they should cover it so i just hope its a problem that is a easy fix but with my luck probably not. I am upset about that but if i don't think about something going wrong i'm happy, Maybe its a fake happiness but i'm happy so i'd rather not question it or get myself down about something i don't even know yet for sure. Maybe the thought of this happening is why i sometimes get upset over others transition recently who knows.
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimgur.com%2FiT72apM.jpg&hash=d15deb182f705b37fde503d8b306ac944d5d6a60)
Went to dinner today and got myself my favorite kind of pizza a good way to be distracted!
And figured i'd add some pictures of the path i went for a walk on a couple days ago because i loved the view!
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FFht3x15.jpg&hash=9e3dc16076ed9eff887ee348bf2d67de74dbd0af)
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FVygx628.jpg&hash=248002d3175ec4d80dc224c1712a3c2aeb649823)
Tristan if you ever wana talk more personally please shoot me a message sometime, I don't bite :)
Quote from: SailorMars1994 on September 22, 2016, 01:55:01 PM
Tristan if you ever wana talk more personally please shoot me a message sometime, I don't bite :)
Thank you saliormars1994 that's a nice offer ^.^; Although this is about as personal as i get
but i'll for sure take that offer and remember it.
Now
:)
>:(
:(
:'(
:-X
:)
repeat
When i was a kid
:)
;D
:P
:'(
:-X
:'(
I learned to shut up, over many things not just transgender stuff nobody's proved me wrong yet
People confirm it every road i take and when i do speak
it's because i feel like a freak like i'm trying to brake free from a society
I totally relate to wanting to be on the boys' team. I did make do on the girls' team and it was okay in a way because we didn't have the crazy parents so much for girls' sports. I'm kind of jealous of how you did wrestling. Good for you. For me I really badly wanted to do Little League but wasn't allowed. Even with the crazy parents hanging around.
My grandmother also hurt my feelings. She said "Why can't you be a strong woman?" She never discouraged me from doing sports, though. She used to play field hockey which is a sport infamous for nasty injuries so it's not like she would have been able to talk!
I wonder about things, about why i am how i am why i do what i do
why i can't stop my emotions why the pain keeps following me around
Why i'm always sick. I don't eat good anymore...when i do eat i feel ill although i'm fine
at least its not that bad. I wonder why i can't relate to people and why a side of my is so lonely
and why i don't dare to meet anyone or leave the house. People say they understand but only certain people understand. I feel like i have to keep adding stupid trans stuff to my blog just because i'm on a trans site but i can't anymore, it bothers me i don't want to speak about it everyday...i also want to speak about the other things my other problems this is just as big, maybe bigger in some ways my past me who i am how i feel who am i?
Quote from: AnxietyDisord3r on September 26, 2016, 07:42:44 PM
I totally relate to wanting to be on the boys' team. I did make do on the girls' team and it was okay in a way because we didn't have the crazy parents so much for girls' sports. I'm kind of jealous of how you did wrestling. Good for you. For me I really badly wanted to do Little League but wasn't allowed. Even with the crazy parents hanging around.
My grandmother also hurt my feelings. She said "Why can't you be a strong woman?" She never discouraged me from doing sports, though. She used to play field hockey which is a sport infamous for nasty injuries so it's not like she would have been able to talk!
This is why family has never been about blood to me it's been about who shows me they understand and care
At least now you can be who you are. But i understand.
I've always found one problem in my life is nobody knows how to handle me when i was a younger kid everything was alright till people started taking the people i felt connected to away. And then i stopped trusting, then my friends left me behind and i stopped being understood because kids started to realize i was disabled and different. When i actually got into middle school is when things started falling apart everyone i did have connections with i wouldn't open up to
i stopped letting people in so they couldn't hurt me. And my mother as iv'e said stopped me from being able to do a lot that i wanted to do so that didn't help. I isolated myself and started to struggle more then i ever struggled before and around this same time other really bad things where happening to me that i won't speak about. It go so bad that my happy and nice personality turned on a dime i was very angry and not a single person could understand why they all tried to discover what was my problem but nobody could. And when i was in high school that's where things came to a end i just gave up not only did i become angry but i didn't believe in myself or anyone else around me and nobody showed me other wise actually in my life people just seem to prove to me what i come to the conclusions of which push me further and further away. I became home schooled because nobody could get me to go back to school anymore and then that failed. So what happened was they tried putting me in another school where nobody could control me and what happened is i'd always end up into trouble or some teacher would be emotionally abusive to me which made everything worse, and worse. And then by i think 17-18 i became a drop out and never went back to school. I tried to go back and get my g.e.d but i didn't believe in myself enough and got into fights when the teachers where trying to control me and the teachers told my mom and dad i couldn't see in between black and white and again nobody new how to help. The only thing that helped was me going to language classes i remember the first day of that the teacher told me "You have a smile on your face now i've never seen that" And i did till things went down hill there too because i didn't feel like i was making progress in other classes.
And now....i'm no where it doesn't shock me. Websites to me remind me of schools do this do that always trying to control me, the me who needs to be free. I just have always felt like i needed to be free and be alone because i can't connect to others. People get close to me and i push people away i push people away on here too, because if i let them come near me they'll hurt me or i'll end up messing something else up. I'd rather people keep there distance although i love people still and i love helping who i can...i long for people but i've always known i can't be around people because i can't control my temper and people don't know what is wrong with me. It's only a matter of time before this is just another website in the books of who gave up on me along with my parents and teachers. Consider it mean, but its how i view things people try people care but i'm to hard for people to grasp.
Iv'e been told it's
Aspergers well actually HFA high functioning autism to be exact.
AVPD - Avoidance personality disorder
And other disorders along with learning problems.
Now on top of that why don't i just add transgender into the mix? it may not be a disorder but its just another struggle sometimes. I'm just a person to label in life always have been...always wanted to do or complete something to feel apart of a group to feel accepted and i don't feel either.
I've been great, just got myself away form websites for a while been doing my own things in life which i prefer, its a lot of help. I'm around PMs i'll take comments whatever works if anyone wants to say hi :)
But i don't really feel like updating my blog i got nothing to say and the things i do have to say are fairly simple.
I can take T whenever i just call when ready and that's about all the same as iv'e known this but its nice to be finally told this it made me really happy although i haven't made the choice because i don't want to yet and i'm fine with that choice, when i want to the option is open.
Orange for the coming holiday i couldn't help it.
Anyways, i've not been doing very much other then sitting around and trying to figure out who i should contact for top surgery because while i'm waiting around doing nothing why not get the other part started? I'm happy today so maybe if this keeps up i'll be shirtless one day and be on testosterone without fear or doubts. What can i say? it's a dream i just want to feel comfortable and happy. Some times i day dream what would i look like? What would it have been like if i was just born a boy, without the trouble of scars and surgery's with medication as my future? It would have been a lot better without that trouble. It's funny yea i am happy but i have been thinking about things like childhood i always lean back to childhood because i think its my only way to confirm i'm not insane. I dressed up as male characters on Halloween as a kid and remember people saying i'm a "girl this or girl that" trying to make my costumes seem in their eyes "normal" and i'd always have it in my head like what i was playing as was a character i could never become but with everyone's muttering and words i couldn't even feel or try to be happy doing that. Society, you disappoint me. I'm glad this next generation can at least have more acceptance sure i grew up in the 90s but it still wasn't like now. Or maybe it was just my bad luck and family. i struggle still thinking i am a guy because no matter what i change i'll still feel like i wasn't naturally born like this and i should have been.
but its the best i can do.
It's Tristan i'm going to try and get this blog back but i don't know if they can
but i figured i'd tell people this is my new username and i just decided to leave site with other problems
and decided to come back to the site after i started T because i needed to find information on transition
I also decided my experiences may be helpful to others and while around for myself i'll be around for others if i see something i feel could be something iv'e experienced i'll jump into help out.
Iv'e gained a lot of insight on certain things after disappearing for a while, i'm not really big into sticking around due to being transgender but for the moment i'm here for everyone and i also think continuing this blog could be a interesting thing to still have after my transition. I have a lot of things to say but i'll post when i know i can?
Someone once said to me your not angry you're bitter
People should realize the difference. I miss seeing that person because they understood before i could.
:-\
No, i'm not sad
i'm thinking.
I'm just going to start writing again people new my saying of my username was on the profile before this i'm not concerned. Just hoping my request will be answered so i don't feel awkward writing in my own space.
However on me being on testosterone is one word: Relaxing
I don't have perfect days i still have meltdowns and troubles in daily life and other problems
but i don't feel compelled or rushed i rarely feel like typing or talking not because i don't want to talk or iv'e changed.
Just because i don't feel this unneeded rush anymore or concern over every little problem i'm having inside my life.
I'd obsess before obsess and obsess my mind would run around and i'd feel out of control but i wanted deeply to calm down for everything to be bearable or more bearable i should say, well i'm in luck because i feel like it's more bearable.
It's me, becoming more me and you wouldn't believe i had a calm side like this unless you met me in person but this is actually the real me just more how it should have been in the very beginning. The only negative are personal things but they've been amplified and it can become a pain but i'll take that negative because the positives are much higher.
If testosterone was a person i'd thank it for probably saving my sanity, for letting me become me.
I can't believe it, the guy above i know that was me and is me but he was so confused. Sometimes i'm still confused but never like that.
even now i'm calm i'm thinking (I feel like that random anime guy in my picture) just, chill and thinking life out but existing and decent.