Hi everyone! I was just wondering if anyone would share their experience on how long after they came out of the closet, did you go full time?
My personal coming out schedule didn't happen over the past month because I can't help but procrastinate and find ANYTHING else to do but that.
With the time left before I start uni, it would mean coming out in the next few days and then presenting full time in just over 2 weeks, all whilst being pre hrt which is a bit scary. My other option is to come out to close family friends / start hrt at the end of october and then come out to everyone and start presenting in public after christmas break at uni, so basically in 2017 which seems so long away and I don't want to wait that long :(
These are the options i'm giving myself because I don't want to walk into uni as 'male' one day and then as myself the next day, I would rather go all in from the get go.
am i allowed to bump? :D
Not sure there is a common answer since it may be different for everyone's situation. Starting a new life chapter is always a good opportunity to also change to your true self. Keep in mind some things will be a bit tough to navigate until you also have all your paperwork changed - so all your school / university records will still show the wrong gender and having your ID and Passport changed can be a bit of work.
If I had such an opportunity like starting college again with knowing what I know today, I would start day 1 as a female. I did not know anyone at my college so it would be a real fresh start.
About the original question: I figured it out in April. Told my SO in May and since have told 4 other friends. So not even a real coming out... Full time for me is many month away. I do want to have a good time on HRT before that. Also gives me more time to learn makeup, do some voice training and collect more shoes...
See - a good example that everyone's circumstances are different. If you are sure and feel
comfortable about it: go for it :-)
I came out piecemeal and gradually, close family and then others but by that time i had been essentially full time for many months. I was actually dressing feminine long before that, maybe on the androgynous side of feminine but still feminine. So i think that is one of the facts that made it not a big deal for many.
Hi confetti, it's my opinion that going fulltime should be something you really ease into, as long as the hoops you have to jump through to get on HRT allow, not just dive in.. if full-time means wearing nothing but 'women's' clothes, makeup, and presenting 'feminine' everyday, I'm 8.5 months on HRT and still not full time. But the people who matter to me know and support me, and I can just be me, and express myself how I want to express myself, with them, and to me that's what 'full time' means. For whatever it's worth I didn't come out to my family until after I graduated from University. So for whatever it's worth, I would advise you to take your time, and above all do what feels comfortable. You don't need to make yourself feel uncomfortable or push yourself too hard, or too quickly, because it seems required.
Best of luck with the year to come :)
Let's see i have come out to people over the years here and there, but my really transition started when i went to see a therapist, about 6 months later in March i started hrt i also came out to a few people every week i had been planning to go full time in late December my plans didn't work out. For my birthday on June 9th i decide on a first and went to therapy dressed fem, my first time out as me. That Friday i ended up outing myself to everyone and within two weeks was full time.
I started my name change the next week.
It all happened very fast to some people, but i have known i am trans for decades so for me it felt like, finally.
Serena
My advice is to begin HRT before coming out. HRT can have some profound effects on all aspects of your being. I think it's a good idea to make sure that your body and mind agree with the effects of HRT before you start announcing to the world that you're going to transition.
My own timeline:
Began HRT. One month later, I knew it was right for me and that medically transitioning is what I needed and wanted to do... so one month after starting HRT, I came out to my sister (my only sibling). One week after that, I came out to my parents. Three months after that, I went full-time. One month after that, I completed my legal name change.
Once I knew, I had full confidence and went full-speed ahead. But it wasn't until after a month on HRT that I really knew for certain. I can't imagine making such a life-altering decision such as coming out and/or going full-time without first knowing how one's body will react to HRT.
Hi all, thankyou so much for your comments!
I think I have decided to wait to go fulltime until 1st Jan 2017.
I will have been on hormones for roughly two months by then hopefully!
Good on you Hun. It's probably for the best you wait a while. Three months is not so long. Whatever you do you will be fabulous. Good Luck. Stay positive.
I stopped fighting it: December 2014
Came out to my wife & daughter: January 2015
Started laser hair removal: April 2015
Started HRT: September 15, 2015
Began electrolysis: February 2016
March 2016: came out to extended family
Here I am, one year on HRT, still months away from going full time. It's been slow because I'm trying to keep my family together. Some people go fast, some go slow, but you go at your pace.
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Quote from: RobynD on September 15, 2016, 08:06:07 PM
I came out piecemeal and gradually, close family and then others but by that time i had been essentially full time for many months. I was actually dressing feminine long before that, maybe on the androgynous side of feminine but still feminine. So i think that is one of the facts that made it not a big deal for many.
I was like you, too!
barbie~~
This is all very timely this discussion. Over the last week or so I have been experiencing a heap of Dysphoria and am really fed up with it. I know that by presenting myself authentically that I can deal with this. But of course the age old question prevails...when is the right time? Just an observation from this thread it would appear there are two schools of thought...ease into it gradually over a period of time or ensure you have the basics covered and plunge ahead.
I feel a little bit in limbo. The sense of urgency to go full time is ever constant in the back of my mind. It's like I "know" by doing this I will get some real relief from my Dysphoria. I had hoped that HRT would see me have a big chunk of it controlled however that was not to be the case. Whilst it has certainly made a big improvement to my overall mental health it has not solved my Dysphoria issue.
Part of me is also terrified that going full time may not deal with my Dysphoria. Logic and rational thinking tells me being authentic will take care of the Dysphoria but there is till that last part of me thinking...if this doesn't work, what will I do, How will I survive.... I really want to get on with my life. Since tearing down all the bad coping mechanisms I was using I am left very vulnerable to the Dysphoria.
I am out to everyone that counts, I don't work, I don't attend any clubs or have any other major affiliations with any other kind of club or group. Majority of my Family live in New Zealand, a long way away from me. I have a complete wardrobe of clothes...still perfecting my look but I suspect that will be a work in progress for some time yet. Maybe I should wait for my second round of hair implants to be complete and grown in which will be about April Next year. I will then color and style my hair along with the final shaping of eyebrows etc. These will be the most outwardly dramatic change to my overall look.
So what is it makes one time better than another...for me I wonder if I might be better just drawing a line in the sand and saying...from this day forward I am presenting myself as Liz. I find myself getting frustrated not being authentic.
Hugs
Liz
I hope my comment is not too obtuse. On reflection, I went FT when it was more difficult being him everyday. I had eased into being me and was happy but going to work, shops - life outside the home, was still 'his' domain, or my fear threshold.
Then I realised being him, dressing as him, hiding me, was a damn sight harder than just saying "enough"; world here I am, if you have an issue deal with it because I don't. So I went FT and the world didn't even squeak, lightening bolts didn't strike, the neighbours didn't notice and basically life continued - but I was happy.
Interesting thread for me. I'm in the odd situation of being out to my immediate family but unable to be myself at home. On the other hand I do present as myself when out of the house about half the time now.
I look forward to going full time but I fear the rocky path to getting there.
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Full time is a word that confuse me very much. I just did me after i moved out of my dads house. I dress feminine and didn't care what people thought. I started hormones a year later but through informed consent. In the last 7 months i haven't told anybody about being trans or horomon but if they ask i say ya. Every one at work knows most of my family knows. All of my friends know. Though i don't try to force pronounce or names on those around me because i Don't care. If they call me by my prefer name or pronounce that a plus. But i confused people with my look then when they hear my voice. Because i lack voice training.
Quote from: Cindy on September 17, 2016, 05:40:03 PM
Then I realised being him, dressing as him, hiding me, was a damn sight harder than just saying "enough"; world here I am, if you have an issue deal with it because I don't. So I went FT and the world didn't even squeak, lightening bolts didn't strike, the neighbours didn't notice and basically life continued - but I was happy.
I love the way you put that, I think I know what you mean...I need to think this through a bit more...A work in progress I think it's called LOL
Thank you
Liz
About 5 years. It took that long to run the medical gauntlet and find places where I could get information on things as simple as makeup wigs and hair. Even electrolysis was an unknown quantity and I wasn't able to start it until I found a source of information and then I needed to put in enough time so I could go stealth without a beard interfering. I know to many of you the transition seems difficult but imagine attempting it without the internet or a doctor within 400 miles who knows anything about treating transgenders. That is what I started out with.
Quote from: Cindy on September 17, 2016, 05:40:03 PM
I hope my comment is not too obtuse. On reflection, I went FT when it was more difficult being him everyday.
It's not obtuse at all. It's the truth. Maybe sometimes the truth is uncomfortable to hear, but it doesn't make it any less true. For me, once I realized that I'm a transsexual, I saw no reason to delay any longer. How could I continue living every day in a lie (as a man), when I had already come out to close friends and family? How could I look in the mirror and live even one more day as a fake person? I couldn't. I hated being fake. I hated even more being fake, knowing that I'm being fake, and continuing to live a fake life anyway.
It's not like we're living in Dubai where if you start living as a different gender, you're going to be arrested, go to jail, or worse. There is nothing stopping you from living as your authentic self... except your own self-created fear and self-induced transphobia. And if that is what is really stopping you, I'd make the argument that you don't really have severe gender dysphoria at all. Because if you
really had severe gender dysphoria (GD), you would start living full-time as a woman right now. This very instant.
I have a personal, real-life local friend who started living full-time as a woman with zero HRT and zero facial hair removal because her GD got so bad. She had no choice but to live full-time right then and there. Her GD was
that bad. I'm not gonna lie, she looked terrible because she couldn't even get a close shave, and there was sooo much obvious stubble on her face. I'm sure she looked ridiculous to many people. But to me, I saw someone who needed and wanted to live authentically. No more lies. No more hiding. And I loved her for it. And I still do.
Of course, if you can wait to go full-time, by all means, wait. It will make life easier for you. Planning ahead is a good thing. But if you're delaying going full-time because of some self-induced fear or self-loathing, then you have some real issues that you need to work out first. Maybe with a therapist.
I went FT about 3 months after starting HRT. In that time I came out to my family, friends and co-workers and had my name and gender legally changed. I am older and I knew it was what I needed to do so I did it. Everyone is different and you just need to do what is right for you.
I don't know how long it will take for me, but I do know that each little piece of her I claim in the open brings an amount of comfort that greatly exceeds the fear that preceded it. I do remain a very quiet, subtle, discreet person, and do not like to be noticed for any reason; I'd thought that was fear, embarrassment, or dysphoria or something related, but it isn't; its just who I am.
Thus I will be, whether the world likes it or not, a very quiet, subtle, discreet woman, hopefully not too many years in the future.
Quote from: Dena on September 17, 2016, 10:23:28 PM
About 5 years. It took that long to run the medical gauntlet and find places where I could get information on things as simple as makeup wigs and hair. Even electrolysis was an unknown quantity and I wasn't able to start it until I found a source of information and then I needed to put in enough time so I could go stealth without a beard interfering. I know to many of you the transition seems difficult but imagine attempting it without the internet or a doctor within 400 miles who knows anything about treating transgenders. That is what I started out with.
My Angels cap is off to you Dena for making it possible for people like me to realize our reality. I liken you to Louis and Clark, Magellan, Alan Shepard discovering new worlds. Your courage and persistence is awe inspiring.
Quote from: DawnOday on September 19, 2016, 11:32:52 AM
My Angels cap is off to you Dena for making it possible for people like me to realize our reality. I liken you to Louis and Clark, Magellan, Alan Shepard discovering new worlds. Your courage and persistence is awe inspiring.
More like to dumb to know it was impossible so I did it anyway.
Quote from: becky.rw on September 19, 2016, 11:22:59 AM
I don't know how long it will take for me, but I do know that each little piece of her I claim in the open brings an amount of comfort that greatly exceeds the fear that preceded it. I do remain a very quiet, subtle, discreet person, and do not like to be noticed for any reason; I'd thought that was fear, embarrassment, or dysphoria or something related, but it isn't; its just who I am.
Thus I will be, whether the world likes it or not, a very quiet, subtle, discreet woman, hopefully not too many years in the future.
Yes. Each step is like "a rite of passage". Both pros and cons. But I was eventually released into a free world.
barbie~~
Quote from: EmilyMK03 on September 18, 2016, 01:08:21 AM
It's not like we're living in Dubai where if you start living as a different gender, you're going to be arrested, go to jail, or worse. There is nothing stopping you from living as your authentic self... except your own self-created fear and self-induced transphobia. And if that is what is really stopping you, I'd make the argument that you don't really have severe gender dysphoria at all. Because if you really had severe gender dysphoria (GD), you would start living full-time as a woman right now. This very instant.
....
Of course, if you can wait to go full-time, by all means, wait. It will make life easier for you. Planning ahead is a good thing. But if you're delaying going full-time because of some self-induced fear or self-loathing, then you have some real issues that you need to work out first. Maybe with a therapist.
i read that, and hmm no i dont thinks thats entirely right.. dont get me wrong, it may be true for a very few..and they have more courage than others to do that.. and someone amazing to lean on.
often there is a great need to rocket forward and do it right away, but the desire to blend and disappear into society is even greater. like myself, if i could pass tomorrow you better believe i would just do it. but because of my genetics thats not possible, and i have a strong desire to blend and vanish into society and not be clocked. already i am getting dirty looks from a few people (male and female, u should hear my Dad what he says about my hair :'( ) because of my growing hair..
Some need to break out, make friends and a whole support group.. so that when family turn their backs on you, you have a new family to call on and be with. someone to run to, if your family are waiting at your house to take a piece out of you (verbally) or physically
I was lucky enough to meet a therapist who has helped TS most of her career and with her help have discovered something important.
its best to have goals, goals that are achievable and a plan you can follow. otherwise its easy to be discouraged and to loose hope.. small reachable goals, gives one courage and hope to reach for the next one and feel as if you are getting somewhere. money and a job is another very good reason to take it little slower..
my advice go as fast as is comfortable to you.. if you rush and feel insecure, slowdown and take a breath and evaluate where you are and readjust your goals. make them achievable goals.
For me it was combination of courage and how bad I wanted it. Thank God I push myself to be authentic no matter how scared I was. I took me 11 months I started small and safe and worked to the hardest people. To deal with hard cases I surrounded myself around supporting people to provide positive peer pressure. I am now out absolutely to the world and work and everywhere. I tell you something having your driver liscence with my true gender and name really gave me permission to let go. Put yourself at advantage by getting your HR behind you by letting them know in advance. Coming out full time is about owning your power. I am so far from perfect but, at least I can say this girl did it her way. Finding my female voice is my last hurdle but, I am still so happy I let go of my fears it has been liberating. Hang in there😘❤️
Michelle
Quote from: ChiGirl on September 16, 2016, 09:23:11 PM
I stopped fighting it [...] Some people go fast, some go slow, but you go at your pace.
I like this. The first time I went to the GiC I was a bit OMG afterwards because it was all about demonstrating RLE and they wanted me to tie up loose ends I had left. I actually found that quite helpful in the end because it stopped me sitting on the fence with some people and organisations. That's not for everyone though: we all go at different paces with this. Each step provides a chance to test it out and evaluate how we feel about it.
Good luck Confetti x
It took awhile, as I'm fairly poor and make up and clothing were expensive. I was actually on hormones for about a month before I found any proper clothes (I couldn't rationalize spending money on clothing that I couldn't wear yet at a time when I was struggling for food).
In my case, according to my family and my myself , I transitioned first then came out later lol. I've always been really feminine and once I turned 15, I was already wearing girls clothes and makeup and grew my hair out. My dad then was like "girl, you're trans" and I was confused, I didn't know what trans was. I was just doing what I wanted to do and that was that, everyone was just going to have to deal. Then I met another trans girl and my parents put me on HRT and the rest is history
Quote from: Aria94 on October 01, 2016, 07:40:29 AM
In my case, according to my family and my myself , I transitioned first then came out later lol. I've always been really feminine and once I turned 15, I was already wearing girls clothes and makeup and grew my hair out. My dad then was like "girl, you're trans" and I was confused, I didn't know what trans was. I was just doing what I wanted to do and that was that, everyone was just going to have to deal. Then I met another trans girl and my parents put me on HRT and the rest is history
nice, i am so happy you have supportive parents...
like some here, our parents are only supportive if we meet and do their views and advice. otherwise its war or i told you so..
Quote from: VeronicaMJ on October 01, 2016, 04:03:17 PM
nice, i am so happy you have supportive parents...
like some here, our parents are only supportive if we meet and do their views and advice. otherwise its war or i told you so..
Yeah, I'm very thankful and blessed for my family. My dad passed away last week and it is very hard without him because he's been one of my biggest supporters.
that's sad..
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Quote from: Aria94 on October 01, 2016, 08:34:53 PM
Yeah, I'm very thankful and blessed for my family. My dad passed away last week and it is very hard without him because he's been one of my biggest supporters.
I am sorry to hear that. Time will cure your sorrow. Yes. You will cherish the memory of your dad.
My dad is neutral to my ->-bleeped-<-, but he is too old to understand everything on it.
barbie~~
Quote from: barbie on October 02, 2016, 05:24:46 AM
I am sorry to hear that. Time will cure your sorrow. Yes. You will cherish the memory of your dad.
My dad is neutral to my ->-bleeped-<-, but he is too old to understand everything on it.
barbie~~
Thank you love. I have older parents as well. You are gorgeous btw ❤️
The first time my mom was told by a therapist that I am transgender was when I was about 13 1/2. I didn't actually start living full time until I was about 18. It was still a process with various other things I wanted to do such as growing my hair, taking hormones, wearing more feminine clothes. Even after that there might be some people to pop out of the woodwork not knowing about it. They definitely call it a transition for a reason.
Anyway, I am 24 now. The only reason I didn't go "fulltime" when I was 13 1/2 was because of still being in school and my mother begging and pleading me not to go to school that way. She finally agreed to let me transition after high school.
When it comes to the word fulltime, I usually find it complex because I always felt different, but it was more a matter of actually integrating certain things into my life that weren't already there. It is difficult to explain.
I think the point is that "coming out" and transition are two things that I do regularly just through the act of living authentically.
So in short, I started living fulltime about 5 years after I initially disclosed it to a therapist. Then I gradually continued the process up until now.
I moved through things pretty quickly. I came out in May of 2014 on the most part went full time in very early July 2014. So it was a matter of about a couple months. I knew at that point that I couldn't wait and I needed to move forward with things for my own health. This was my second go and transition so I was used to being out in public as female already based on my transition. This time I was ready to over come my short comings and move quickly from coming to Full. My mom and brother were the first ones I told. Hugs
Mariah
Quote from: Aria94 on October 01, 2016, 07:40:29 AM
In my case, according to my family and my myself , I transitioned first then came out later lol. I've always been really feminine and once I turned 15, I was already wearing girls clothes and makeup and grew my hair out. My dad then was like "girl, you're trans" and I was confused, I didn't know what trans was. I was just doing what I wanted to do and that was that, everyone was just going to have to deal. Then I met another trans girl and my parents put me on HRT and the rest is history
15? Fantastic.
When I was 15 my first ever hormones arrived from Amsterdam, my father intercepted and went absolutely ballistic. It took my another 30 years before I could start transitioning ...
About a week or so and with no regrets other than taking forever to get to self acceptance. A lifetime of denial, fear, shame and self loathing were apparently not healthy for me, duh! ;D
When I graduated high school I told my mom and close friends I'm gonna transition before I even got hormones. But most other people that know me found out through others or me after I was already full time for awhile. Oops. It's been about 3 years and people from the past are still finding out. Not everyone's gonna find out at first
I transitioned piecemeal. I came out first at support group, and a week later started presenting appropriately. Then at home, a couple months after coming out. Eventually in public (you know, grocery stores, eating out, etc.) which didn't really involve coming out, just going for it. Then with family and friends -- I came out to them about 3 months after that first support group, with another 6 months before going full time. In the interim I finally started HRT and going full time with my therapist.
However, never did come out at work. I waited until my surgeries and zapping were done and paid for, because there was no way on earth I was going to possibly jeopardize financing the key pieces of my transition. And then, rather than come out at work, I simply left and got a new job, thus preserving my privacy.
After intensive therapy for a couple of years I had already decided that transitioning wasn't optional, rather it was imperative. My partner was the only person who knew, other than the therapist.
In June 2015 I came out to my daughters and was obligated to come out to my ex (separated 5 years by that time). She immediately filed new custody papers, claiming my very accepting daughters were being traumatized.
In September 2015 I came out at work in a letter as I left on sick leave for FFS with Dr. Deschamps-Braly.
The last time I ever referred to myself as male were the days leading up to surgery. I arrived at the hospital in female clothing and never again did anything "male" - and I have never EVER regretted my choice. My legal name and gender change were already in process and were official before I returned to work.
I will admit that the "light-switch" approach is not the easiest, I am very fortunate to have had the ability to lead off with FFS, although the settling of swelling and general 'lumpiness' associated with the surgery took quite a while to subside. And really my ability to pass has been a gradual process over the course of a year, only now am I able to feel like I'm truly passing as a woman most places I go.
Mia
Quote from: Michelle_P on September 17, 2016, 05:50:58 PM
Interesting thread for me. I'm in the odd situation of being out to my immediate family but unable to be myself at home. On the other hand I do present as myself when out of the house about half the time now.
I look forward to going full time but I fear the rocky path to getting there
And 6 weeks later I am now full time. I'm also in my own apartment and making appointments with a lawyer for a mediated divorce.
Big damn rocks in that path.
So, about seven months after coming out.
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