Mom's been really stressed with having to take care of my extremely difficult nephew the past few days at our house. He's only two, but he's a disobedient monster in every sense of the word in his worst moments. Since he's stayed here since Sunday, Mom has been sleep deprived, frustrated, and it's getting harder to draw the line between what she means, and what she's just saying out of anger and lack of sleep when she says things like, "I swear, it's like living in a MENTAL institution here!" "This family, I swear!" "I only exist to serve feces to all of you!"
And this isn't an isolated incident. Whenever my sister has to leave my nephew in Mom's care, mom's limit for his hyperactive behavior is a single overnight stay. Any longer and she REALLY can't deal with any of us in the house. She is THAT mentally, emotionally and physically strained to her breaking point. Whatever small annoyance any one of us does in her presence, she'll mutter under her breath, "This <Not Permitted> family".
When she told me a couple weeks ago she would like my gender therapist to do a discussion with the whole family present about my transition to make sure everyone is on the same page, I protested, expressing my extreme hatred of group therapy (i hate feeling vulnerable at the center of attention and the risk of crying in front of everyone would be high, VERY high). I told her, "I would HATE that." to which she responded, "Well, I hate a lot of things, too!" and then added (i'm still questioning if she actually meant saying this), "like my life!" I ALMOST said, "that makes two of us..." back to her. But then I would have to hear her saying that I should be lucky I have a home and food and a family that loves me and accepts me unlike her own family growing up.
When these explosions of emotions and harsh words erupt from pressure, it makes me question anything nice that was ever said to me or anyone. I have no clue if it's just self-pity talking, or whatever.
Once, I overheard Mom say under her breath after a really ugly meltdown, "Everyone in this house is a piece of feces"... You can understand my extreme upset after hearing this comment, so later when I was sobbing in the living room, calling her out on it, she INSISTED that I had heard her wrong. She was absolutely defiant saying, "I said everyone in this house TREATS ME like a piece of feces."
I know what I heard... It wasn't that.
So I've been questioning a lot of things being said. Is anyone ACTUALLY proud? Does anyone ACTUALLY care? Am I REALLY this special person they insist I somehow am?? When I'm sad, does anyone REALLY care, of do they feel a sense of obligation to ask what is wrong and stop me from crying? In therapy, am I just a paycheck for my therapist, or do they actually want to do their job?
Before I end this rant, I wanna say I do care about my mom and she does very much love and care for her kids. I am grateful to her and everything she's done. I just think it's wrong for her to throw us all under the bus every time she gets angry. I know she would say, "I'm not perfect" if I was telling her this right now. Like I give a damn that she's perfect. I just want her to stop, because otherwise I'm starting to believe she really DOES hate us.
Unfortunately this can happen in a family but there are a couple of things you might do to help. Offer to care for the nephew for a few hours so you mother can get away from it. Possible she might even be able to take a nap and would be in a better frame of mind. The other that might help is a hug at the appropriate time so she remembers that you still care for her. You can't solve all the problems of the family but you might be able to help in your own way.
It sounds to me like she has a heck of a lot on her plate, and is getting sick & tired of having to juggle it all by herself. So here's a (rhetorical) question: when was the last time any of her family offered to do something for her?
Those comments of "this (bleeping) family" suggest to me that she's frustrated with a perceived lack of support from her family. It is especially important that you mentioned that her own family didn't love & accept her whilst she was growing up. I cannot overemphasise the importance of this, because children who are neglected or abused often grow up with a form of PTSD as a result, and PTSD can be triggered by events that make you feel the same way. So if her family treated her badly or took her for granted whilst she was growing up, then if she thinks you guys are doing something similar to her now that could easily trigger an episode of PTSD... and typical symptoms include insomnia, irritability and angry, frustrated outbursts. So perhaps a little compassion might be in order? Perhaps she's struggling with more than you realise? After all, she's only human.
So next time she has one of those angry outbursts, please don't take it personally. Instead, ask whether there's anything you can do to help. Or better yet: keep an eye on her stress levels and offer to lend a hand BEFORE she starts yelling. There are probably plenty of things that the family can do to support her. Who does the laundry? The dishes? Vacuuming? Taking out the trash? Cooking & cleaning? If all (or most) of these jobs are left up to her, then every single person in your household who's over the age of 4 can make her life easier by doing a little something to help, even if it's just putting on a load of laundry, or picking up after yourself, or washing your own cups & plates after every meal. Even a very young child can put their own toys away & put their own clothes in a laundry basket. If you all pull your weight & show her that you all care about her as much as she cares about you, she won't have a reason to refer to you as "this (bleeping) family" any more. ;)
When your nephew gets challenging, offer to take him out to the park or something so she can have a couple of hours to unwind. Stress tends to build up with time, so if she's not getting a break from the little tyke she won't have any opportunity to de-stress... so her stress level will keep ramping up until she reaches boiling point. Just taking him off her hands for an hour will help her reset, which will help her manage her stress levels & it should improve her mood.
Her suggestion of a group session with your therapist is an excellent one, and I urge you to take her up on it. You see, it's not just you that's transitioning - it's your entire family. They're all having to transition their idea of you from a female perspective to a male perspective, and they haven't got a clue how to do that. Speaking to your (or any) gender therapist will help them understand why you're doing this; what the implications might be for you & your family; and how they can better support you & themselves. They need support too, and you're very fortunate that they're willing to get it.