Well....I'm a week into my HRT, and no longer feel the self loathing, but that has been replaced with doubt that I am doing the right thing. I'm pretty sure this is something everyone goes through, a little reassurance would be helpful for me.
Things a week in:
No longer feel the need to try magic/wishes to change my gender
Almost completely lost the urge to go read gender swapping stories
Worry more when my wife doesn't say I love you at the end of every text
Find talking to people a bit easier(general not about transitioning still scared on that)
Don't feel the urge to escape into my female video game Characters
Want to get more female clothing, especially skirts and shoes
Things possibly related, possibly just psychosomatic:
Swear my nipples are a bit tingly, and that my moobs are getting a bit bigger
Swear I can feel the hair on my head growing, despite no visual cooberation
Skin feels dryer everywhere but the face
Beard no longer has a 5 O'clock shadow 10minutes after shaving, it now takes about half a day
The feverish/flushed feeling stopped about 6 days in, but was replaced with hunger. I had hunger feelings before, but this is crazy, if it is edible and in reach, I will probably eat it. Grrrr.
The doubt you have is completely normal. You are at the very beginning of a long journey to be your true self.
I had some doubts when starting HRT but those slowly went away when I saw more and more aspects of my appearance change.
The fact that you no longer have a feeling of self-loathing is a good sign.
Anxiety is completely normal. This is an incredible undertaking and second guessing every decision isn't out of the ordinary. Eventually, it will pass.
Though some people further along might have a different opinion than mine. I've only been on HRT for three months
HRT has reduce the pressure to transition so doubt had entered your life. This is something I only learned about after joining this site. We used to transition without blockers and had much higher T levels driving us through the transition. On this site I discovered that many people didn't have the transition drive that we did and I started looking for the reason. The best one I have found is the very low T levels as the result of the blocker. There are people comfortable living without surgery and it is a decision you may wish to consider. Others on the site remain in their birth role without transitioning. The only thing I know for sure about you is if you discontinue HRT the old feelings will return.
I too still sadly get doubts too. But being on HRT is the smartst thing to do
I am a little over three months in. I rarely get doubts, and every time I do the next thing I do is look down at my new body and think, "how could I ever even think about giving up all this?"
However, for several weeks after the changes in my face and body became discernible, I used to look at photos of my old male self and start to cry over losing him. I told my wife about it, and she reminded me that life is a journey, and that being him was a previous place on that journey that I could not return to, even if I had stayed male.
Carly thanks for sharing that! I'm in a bit of a different boat. You see when I see my old male self (the super masculine me *shudders*) I get grossed out and am happy he's long gone. Yet I guess I just have not totally accepted I am a woman totally (even though I am much happier when I am in girl mode). Thanks for mentioning that , its amazing how dysphoria and out journeys are so personal and unique :)
Hi Artesia;
Don't worry about the doubts, they will happen from time to time. I have now been on HRT (Oestrogen only) for coming up to 4 years now and have seen some really nice developments. I have nicely rounded buttocks and a 44B bust and very silky soft skin. These days my serum Testosterone levels are just 0.5 and my serum Oestradiol levels are consistently in the 240-260 levels. Hormonally I am female.
But every so often I get periods of self doubt, its just part of the Hormonal transition journey. For me i get this always the same time (about 2-3 days once a month, when I get moody, depressed and have bouts of crying at the slightest thing. Female partners have always told me that its a girl thing and I am just mimicking their cycle.
The most important thing though is the dysphoria is gone and also thankfully no erections and everything for me down there now is very tiny.
I don't know what age you are, but I am one of the older members of Susans, and luckily have tiny hands and feet and no Adams apple - I think I was a DES Baby!. My only problem is I have a weight problem , in that I also went thru the food cravings, but luckily despite the HRT have not put on weight, but despite the extra fatty tissue (boobs, bum, hips and lower abdomen) my weight has stayed the same around 110kgs. My aim is to be about 85kgs. One secret is I have cut out all carbs out of my diet after 6pm (plus 2 months of no carbs at all) and eat a lot of fruit. Also no fruit juices, no processed cheese and no pepsi or coke. I do though drinks 6 glasses of water a day. Keeping hydrated keeps my skin looking good. I do drink a glass or two of red (shiraz) every other day. Also freshly squeezed lemon juice every morning (no sugar) before everything else.
I have had a lot of Laser IPL on my face, décolleté and tummy, plus underarms to get rid of the dark hairs and these days what body hair I do have is very fine. If I get my legs waxed it's only every 12 weeks these days.
I identify as Lesbian and am a Lipstick femme, and find that I blend in these days very well. I have had lots of practice living as female and my biggest success was having my colour analysis done (House of Colour in the UK) which has saved me a fortune on unsuitable clothes and the wrong makeup colours. ( I strongly recommend Bare Minerals Liquid Foundation - its amazing). These days men and women all compliment me on make up and clothes. Just yesterday I was at my beauty therapist for a bikini wax and eyebrow shape and afterwards when paying my bill, my therapist commented on how really pretty my lipstick colour was, later on a man serving me in a restaurant whilst at lunch with a girlfriend said you smell gorgeous - what a really nice perfume you have on. its very subtle, but very pleasant. My girlfriend likewise commented on my outfit. I was wearing a blue silk blouse with the décolleté and cleavage exposed plus a straight blue denim skirt just above the knee with sheer black tights (10 denier) with black kitten heels.
Its a lot about presentation. Also remember its important to feel confident and smile a lot.
Best of luck on your journey
Judith
I wish I could pass as a woman. Right now...not a chance. Hoping things work out and I don't need a lot of work to pass. Finding a reasonable way to remove the unwanted/hated facial and body hair is rough. Haven't found anyone who doesn't want $4,000 up front. Why can't they just charge per session? Why do they need it all before the service is provided?
I'm in my early 40's. I would actually have to do the math for the actual age, as I don't really track it/haven't paid attention in years. People have always told me I have long fingers, the hands aren't large, but aren't very feminine either, hopefully the weight loss will fix that. Feet are size 13 or so in women's shoes, 11" long. I bought a wide pair of heals, but now they seem to slip, so maybe the weight loss has affected my foot width some, or I just bought the wrong size of shoe. My wife is amazed at how I can walk in heels, she can't and I've been fine in them since putting them on the first time, it felt so natural. Can't run in them, haven't tried driving while wearing them, and stairs are a bit scary, but I can walk on uneven ground with them no problems.
Artesia, keep in mind that not everyone goes "all the way" with their transition.
Some are ok with combining male and female clothing choices.
Some need mild doses of HRT.
Some need a higher dose.
Some need surgery (-ies).
And everything in between.
You say you no longer feel the loathing...YAY! That is good, it's a sign to stay on HRT. Your nips are tingly, and you aren't disturbed by it, in fact it sounds like you are eager to get breasts...YAY! That is a good sign you are doing the right thing.
Take your time, enjoy the ride. Like the song says, "Enjoy all the stops along the way..." (Meaning, enjoy the changes happening. And when changes "stop", keep enjoying what you've got so far, things will start moving again, and with them should come excitement and anticipation.)
If you ever experience dread, shame, or fear...slow down, take some time and talk it over with your therapist or mentor (if you have one).
Best wishes for you!
Quote from: CarlyMcx on September 22, 2016, 01:01:01 PM
I am a little over three months in. I rarely get doubts, and every time I do the next thing I do is look down at my new body and think, "how could I ever even think about giving up all this?"
However, for several weeks after the changes in my face and body became discernible, I used to look at photos of my old male self and start to cry over losing him.
I can relate to that though I have not started yet thats a poignant observation I would consider it a new chapter in your life
Exciting, your old self is your stepping stone to your evolution :)
I started and stopped a few times early on. I found when I started HRT my problems went away, and every time I stopped they all came back. I didn't doubt I was better on HRT, but I was under a fair bit of pressure to stop so I did - until I couldn't take it anymore.
Artesia I must admit I run hot and cold on starting...I think its fear of the unknown
Funny thing not long ago I was involved in aroad rage incident anyway cut long story
Short my assailant was storming towards me but I stood my ground and he turned tail....I was as calm as can be
But when I rang qlife and living proud for info on hrt doctors .....my hand was shaking like a leaf....and I haven't even got to the docs office that happens next week