Hello, I've decided to go stealth as my preferred gender in my new school. My school knows, but has been pretty good about it and has actively helped me stay stealth (my legal documents haven't been changed yet). I went stealth to save emotional energy at the start of a new school, and to see if I can do it because I do not pass 100% of the time. I do sometimes get mispronouned here strangely enough, but people recognise that I'm just a very androgynous guy? I've been thinking about whether I want to come out because when I started I planned to come out when I had made some proper friends, which I've done by now. However, a few days ago I came out to some other friends and they reacted in the usual way - supportive but being kind of making me feel like their token tran, and by asking really invasive questions. Do I really want to do this all over again? And then some people could mispronoun me more because it's almost more justified, as if it isn't their fault because I used to be a g-word? On average I've had a really good experience with cis people in comparison to some, but when I come out it kind of makes me realize just how different I am to them. I've found it harder to relate to them after coming out, and I feel more alone and alienated than before, even though I just wanted to be able to bring it up in conversation so I don't have to keep being vague about my life.
So the main question I'm posing is about people's views in general on the matter - is it bad for the trans community? Is it erasing one's past? etc. But my second question is one of how to deal with loneliness as a stealth person. It's really nice to hang out with other cis guys and not having my inner demons tell me that they don't really see me as a man or whatever, but in terms of the trans identity I'm pretty alone. The few trans people I know (again, checking my privilege at knowing any at all) are younger than me and haven't started physical transition (I kinda have? I'm on hormone blockers). I don't talk to them about hospital appointments or victories and struggles because I know that they have so much on their plate already; I worry that telling them the good things will make them feel jealous or like they have a long way to go, and I don't talk to them about dysphoria because they have enough of it themselves. Like, what's the etiquette for these interactions, and how do people find others online? I've been to LGBT youth groups with lots of lovely non conforming and trans people, but they've all made their little social groups and I didn't really seem to fit in.
Sorry if I'm seeming whiny - I love you all and I appreciate your thoughts.
You know, I wish I could go stealth o: I can't though because there's little chance of me moving off this island until I go to university or whatever. I can't really come out either, I'd get a hard time from a lot of people and after years of almost everyone just ignoring me it would take some getting used to... I don't mind if people go stealth. I can see why, because I want to as well sometime in the future. And if you just feel alienated after coming out then why do it? You shouldn't have to, it's no-one else's life but yours. But if you want to come out to them then do it, whatever makes you happy. c:
Can I just ask though, is your username perhaps a reference to Chic N' Stu by System Of A Down? I apologise if it's not, but it just reminded me of that xD
Stealth is something very personal. For some people, it's important to put the old life behind them and move into the new one. If this is what you feel, you don't have an obligation to remain in the community as you need to do what will make you comfortable in the new life.
For others like me, I am mostly stealth but I am comfortable doing my part to help others along the way. If the community was present around me, I would be more active in it as I am not that worried about the stealth life.
The trade off between the two is if you go totally stealth, most likely your friends and contacts will be all CIS. If you remain open, you will have LGBT friends who you can share experiences that only others in the community will understand.
The decision is yours and you may make it over time as you start blending into society. If you feel you are missing the community then add it back in to the degree that you are comfortable with it.