Umm... I really don't know where to start here, so let's just get down to it. Here goes:
I feel numb. Sometimes even apathic, you might say. Nothing makes me laugh. Nothing makes me sad. Nothing makes me angry these past few months.
I don't feel the sun on my skin anymore. Well, I can feel it, but that warm promosing feeling is gone.
All food tastes the same way. The flavour is somewhere around "meh" and "nah".
I'm pretty sure there was more to this life then just apathy couple of years back. Something is just...missing from all those day to day experiences. It seems like I can't enjoy anything anymore.
So...is there anyone who felt or feels the same way? Do you know how to break this...shell?
In the end, I'm sorry to take your time for something this trivial and stupid. But I don't know what to do anymore.
It sounds like depression, which I've had. The things that have helped me have been HRT and taking steps towards transition.
What you're describing is a symptom of depression.
Sometimes depression is a result of flooding your brain with the wrong hormones. But you may have another chemical imbalance not related to sex hormones and may need to look into anti-depressants. Psychiatrists usually prescribe these although any doctor could prescribe. (The general practitioners are not drug experts, though, and one of the problems with anti-depressants can be finding the right fit with medication, so I would recommend the psychiatrist if you health plan covers it.)
If you are going to start HRT anyway you could try that and see what happens.
ETA: wanted to add that while I don't think talk therapy is that useful with feeling numb, it could be--depends on the root cause. Sometimes we make ourselves numb to avoid dealing with emotions that threaten us. I became very numb in childhood because my mother was so unreliable and out of control. I could see a trans person making themselves numb to avoid dealing with dysphoria. If that's the case, these emotions will come back to the surface when you attempt to transition. If so, you might need a little extra help, some sort of counselor or friend to help you sort it out and get through the hurdles. Maybe even a therapist. :)
It sounds like you and I are dealing with the same thing. So I'll tell you some of the things I really need to hear. What you feel isn't normal or ok. If you're thinking of other people that have it harder, that doesn't matter because You still need help. And most importantly, you can feel better. [emoji170] I agree with the advice of previous posters here. You should get therapy and meds; so you can settle whatever imbalance you have and talk through whatever issues you will have coming up. And I really hope it helps! Don't be afraid to take care of yourself.
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Agree 100% that this sounds like depression. A lot of people think depression is about feeling extremely sad, but in reality it usually feels like emptiness, numbness & apathy. Far from feeling sad, depression is often characterised by a lack of feeling. Please see your doctor or therapist and describe your symptoms; you may benefit from therapy, medication or both.
You're at the most difficult stage now: the bit between accepting your need to transition, and actually being able to start transitioning, is by far the hardest bit to cope with so it's not surprising that many of us become depressed under the circumstances. If you are depressed, a gender therapist or GIC would want those symptoms to be under control before starting your medical transition. The sooner you tackle it, the better.
Quote from: Amanda_Combs on September 29, 2016, 08:26:41 AM
It sounds like you and I are dealing with the same thing. So I'll tell you some of the things I really need to hear. What you feel isn't normal or ok. If you're thinking of other people that have it harder, that doesn't matter because You still need help. And most importantly, you can feel better. [emoji170] I agree with the advice of previous posters here. You should get therapy and meds; so you can settle whatever imbalance you have and talk through whatever issues you will have coming up. And I really hope it helps! Don't be afraid to take care of yourself.
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What if therapy and meds are out of option at least for now? You see, I recently moved to the UK and am still trying to find a proper job, place to live and a space to fit in. I hope that in a couple of months, I'll be able to see a therapist and finally start transitioning. Till then, I'll just have to live with myself. Isn't there any way to "spark the light" by myself? Am I beyond self-help?
Thank you for your advice, at least I don't "feel" alone at this moment.
Quote from: SidneyAldaine on September 29, 2016, 09:48:05 AM
You see, I recently moved to the UK and am still trying to find a proper job, place to live and a space to fit in.
If you're in the UK, you'll need to go to a local GP and register with them for NHS treatment, if you haven't already done so. They'll be able to prescribe meds (if you're unemployed & entitled to claim benefits, they will be free of charge - otherwise they cost £8.40 per item prescribed in England but are free in NI, Scotland & Wales). But you're not likely to see a therapist any time soon. The waiting lists for therapists in the UK are ridiculously long; most British citizens have to wait months or even years to be see a therapist, if we're lucky enough to see one at all. Mental health care is rubbish in this country. :(
As for starting your transition, it's in your best interests to ask your GP to refer you to a GIC right now. The waiting lists for all of the GICs are quite long (more than a year in most cases) so you're probably looking at waiting at least a year between your GP referring you to a GIC, and getting your first appointment. The sooner you get that ball rolling, the better.
If you don't want to wait for an NHS GIC you'll have to pay to go to a private GIC, which is a bit quicker but even the private clinics have waiting lists of several months for a first appointment, simply because of the huge number of British trans people trying to access our very limited services. Even with a private clinic, you'll still need to be registered with a UK GP because the clinic will ask the GP to prescribe your hormones & perform blood tests.
So please register with a GP ASAP.
When I start getting that "Numb" feeling it's generally/ALWAYS because I am depressed. The ole "Why Do I Even Bother?"; "What's the Point, NOTHING will Change?" and the list goes on. Well, untill you drink or otherwise shut the noise off for a few hours.
What Can You Do About it? - Tough one. Little things, NON-Self Destructive Things, to make you feel better. Go to a TG Support group meeting. Nothing like knowing you are not alone to make you feel better. Try to stay away from toxic people... the haters, the ones that are against/ not supportive, of what you are trying to get a handle on. And the list goes on.
Believe me, I know ALL too well the negative self talk and it is a tough cycle to break. It comes a lot from just plain hating yourself for many reasons. For about 30 years I just plain numb to anything and everything besides DEATH. Probably the only thing that kept me alive.
How I began to feel again? By putting in a lot of hard work to learn who and what I am. Seven years later I know I still have a LONG way to go. But, after a few months I began to feel again. First sadness, loss, then eventually joy.