Yesterday I went out with my cousin, who is the same age as me, for some dinner, and catching up. We're fairly close, but nothing crazy, so I wanted to see how she was and everything. We had a lovely chat, some of it regarding my transition, and she told me I should feel free to present however I want in front of her (She has known I am trans for months now) Since she also lives about 30 seconds from my house, I picked her up, and dropped her off. At the end of the day, when I brought her back, for the first time she said "Bye Katie!" It caught me so offguard, and at first it felt wonderful.
But for some reason I feel weird now, and I don't know why. Maybe cause she has always called me something else? But then shouldn't I be over the moon? She is the first family member to say it (many friends say it, but not family) and something about it felt strange. I don't want to say it felt wrong, but let's just say it felt extremely different, and I am concerned because shouldn't it only feel good? Right? Then I got home, and started imagining being fully out with her (and other family) and I couldn't imagine it for some reason. Ugh. Why am I having these feelings *cries*
Quote from: RedheadWhovian on September 29, 2016, 01:36:54 PMshouldn't it only feel good?
There are no "shoulds" when it comes to feelings. You feel what you feel. Whatever you feel is okay.
There are lots of things we do in the course of navigating our transitions that are going to feel weird. Plenty of things that "break the rules" or are not what we are used to, or are not what other people do, or that we are doing for the very first time. It would be pretty weird if it
didn't feel weird now and then.
My brother has offered to call me Kathy if I want. I am not ready for that yet, and I am sure that, like you, it will feel weird when he does. My wife doesn't address me as Kathy yet, and I haven't asked her to, but she does refer to me that way when we are at the support group together. And, yes, it does feel weird.
I hear my name, and a little bell goes off, saying "That was weird!" And I think, "Yes, that was a new experience, one of many I will have on this journey. Cool!" To boldly go where
no one has few have gone before.
Hi Katie,
You are beautiful!
You're feeling awkward, shy and insecure about your relationships with family members. Dang girlfriend! Of course you are. This is totally normal. Think about what you are going through; you are beginning to make peace with the truth of who you have always been and have always hidden from the world at large; and you are beginning to move towards harmonizing your physical appearance with who you have always been in your heart and soul. No experience in life prepares us for change on this level. No one prepared us for this in school. No one prepared us for this in the playground. No one prepared us for this in movies and TV. You, my gorgeous friend, are in nearly uncharted territory.
Could it be possible that feedback we get from those we're closest to, whether the feedback is positive or negative, might not have the effect of aggravating our insecurity, at least in the early stages of transition? Given the generally unfamiliar nature of gender transition, we all pretty much question whether we're doing the right thing in the early stages of transition. All of us. Depending on how old we are by the time we commit to transition, that can pretty much determine the intensity of our insecurity and uncertainty.
Even positive feedback from friends and family in the early stages of transition can serve as an indication to our inner emotional being that "crap just got real!" It is totally normal and natural under these circumstances to have a reaction of, "Oh my God! What the heck am I doing?!?"
You are fine. You are beautiful (for realz.) Thousands of us have been through very similar experiences, and we survived, and ultimately many of us thrive. And you will too.
You got this, girl! I have faith in you!
Love,
Miharu
No that is pretty normal. Change, even welcome and healthy change creates disorientation at times. I still get startled when i am called Robyn at times, some part of my brain has still not caught up with the other parts. Its been about two years since i started changing over my name.
In a way, the old you is somewhat out of reach (although fundamentally, i contend we are more the same person than we are different ). At the very least, that should create a bit of disorientation or nostalgia.
Sort of an analogy: I look at our kids and how fast they have grown and i'm sad that earlier stages are now behind us, frankly it feels weird and not pleasant at times, but i still love that they are growing up and the people they are becoming. Somehow that nostalgia part of me also forget what changing diapers and temper tantrums in the middle of a store are like too...
Good feedback from those above me here. I would add that there is nothing in us that is like switch. Flip the switch and the old you becomes the new you. It is definitely a process of mental adjustment that happens over time. Leaving behind the old ways, adjusting how your family sees you, it is certain to involve some mixed feelings. I wouldn't worry.
Monica
I agree with Monica, there is a certain mental adjustment. When friends and family first started
calling me Kath, it causes me some joy but I was also felt a little shocked and was surprised
by that. Now it has become very comfortable over time.
i think feeling weird is normal. you have used one name for years apon years.. to have your real one used would def send minor shocks thru you.. since you werent expecting it. it will take time and you will get used to it.
also your mind and hearing will get used to your new name, that way even if someone says it softly accross the room your head will turn to see who called you.
yeah I have to echo what others are saying, it's pretty normal for it to feel a bit strange at first. like to me my birth name has always just hurt me because of the dysphoria even though it was a nice enough name, but even though it made me really happy when people finally switched over, it did feel kind of awkward. idk, I guess there was a certain period where I felt like people were placating me or something rather than really understanding-- now I don't worry about it really, but it is a great feeling when you're sure someone's really fr fr saying your name because its your name. it gets more normal for you and the people you know over time. I feel I'm repeating myself a lot lol but trust me: super-normal.
Quote from: KathyLauren on September 29, 2016, 02:53:12 PM
There are no "shoulds" when it comes to feelings. You feel what you feel. Whatever you feel is okay.
There are lots of things we do in the course of navigating our transitions that are going to feel weird. Plenty of things that "break the rules" or are not what we are used to, or are not what other people do, or that we are doing for the very first time. It would be pretty weird if it didn't feel weird now and then.
My brother has offered to call me Kathy if I want. I am not ready for that yet, and I am sure that, like you, it will feel weird when he does. My wife doesn't address me as Kathy yet, and I haven't asked her to, but she does refer to me that way when we are at the support group together. And, yes, it does feel weird.
I hear my name, and a little bell goes off, saying "That was weird!" And I think, "Yes, that was a new experience, one of many I will have on this journey. Cool!" To boldly go where no one has few have gone before.
Thank you for your help! I suppose all of that is the case, but should it still feel weird a day later to think about?
Quote from: Miharu Barbie on September 29, 2016, 03:07:04 PM
Hi Katie,
You are beautiful!
You're feeling awkward, shy and insecure about your relationships with family members. Dang girlfriend! Of course you are. This is totally normal. Think about what you are going through; you are beginning to make peace with the truth of who you have always been and have always hidden from the world at large; and you are beginning to move towards harmonizing your physical appearance with who you have always been in your heart and soul. No experience in life prepares us for change on this level. No one prepared us for this in school. No one prepared us for this in the playground. No one prepared us for this in movies and TV. You, my gorgeous friend, are in nearly uncharted territory.
Could it be possible that feedback we get from those we're closest to, whether the feedback is positive or negative, might not have the effect of aggravating our insecurity, at least in the early stages of transition? Given the generally unfamiliar nature of gender transition, we all pretty much question whether we're doing the right thing in the early stages of transition. All of us. Depending on how old we are by the time we commit to transition, that can pretty much determine the intensity of our insecurity and uncertainty.
Even positive feedback from friends and family in the early stages of transition can serve as an indication to our inner emotional being that "crap just got real!" It is totally normal and natural under these circumstances to have a reaction of, "Oh my God! What the heck am I doing?!?"
You are fine. You are beautiful (for realz.) Thousands of us have been through very similar experiences, and we survived, and ultimately many of us thrive. And you will too.
You got this, girl! I have faith in you!
Love,
Miharu
You are so incredibly sweet! Oh my gosh, thank you for making me feel pretty. X_X <3 And I hope you are right! It does seem to make sense. It felt amazing, but at the same time like she was calling someone else. :/
Quote from: RobynD on September 29, 2016, 06:16:49 PM
No that is pretty normal. Change, even welcome and healthy change creates disorientation at times. I still get startled when i am called Robyn at times, some part of my brain has still not caught up with the other parts. Its been about two years since i started changing over my name.
In a way, the old you is somewhat out of reach (although fundamentally, i contend we are more the same person than we are different ). At the very least, that should create a bit of disorientation or nostalgia.
Sort of an analogy: I look at our kids and how fast they have grown and i'm sad that earlier stages are now behind us, frankly it feels weird and not pleasant at times, but i still love that they are growing up and the people they are becoming. Somehow that nostalgia part of me also forget what changing diapers and temper tantrums in the middle of a store are like too...
Oh gosh, that makes sense. No matter how pleasant the memories are, there is probably always some sort of sadness when times pass like that. And maybe I did feel that way, that the old me is falling out of reach. I should mention that she never did call me my full old name (Anthony) and used to just call me "Anth," which I loved considerably more. Probably cause I found it a cute alternative. XD
Quote from: HappyMoni on September 29, 2016, 06:49:11 PM
Good feedback from those above me here. I would add that there is nothing in us that is like switch. Flip the switch and the old you becomes the new you. It is definitely a process of mental adjustment that happens over time. Leaving behind the old ways, adjusting how your family sees you, it is certain to involve some mixed feelings. I wouldn't worry.
Monica
Thank you so much! I think that is what I needed to hear.
Quote from: kathb31 on September 29, 2016, 08:19:37 PM
I agree with Monica, there is a certain mental adjustment. When friends and family first started
calling me Kath, it causes me some joy but I was also felt a little shocked and was surprised
by that. Now it has become very comfortable over time.
Okay, thank you! I hope you are right. ^_^
Quote from: VeronicaMJ on September 29, 2016, 08:43:14 PM
i think feeling weird is normal. you have used one name for years apon years.. to have your real one used would def send minor shocks thru you.. since you werent expecting it. it will take time and you will get used to it.
also your mind and hearing will get used to your new name, that way even if someone says it softly accross the room your head will turn to see who called you.
But is it okay that it still feels weird, even after the initial shock? D: Thank you, btw <3 I love your Atlantis icon ^_^
Quote from: Draculess on September 29, 2016, 09:48:33 PM
yeah I have to echo what others are saying, it's pretty normal for it to feel a bit strange at first. like to me my birth name has always just hurt me because of the dysphoria even though it was a nice enough name, but even though it made me really happy when people finally switched over, it did feel kind of awkward. idk, I guess there was a certain period where I felt like people were placating me or something rather than really understanding-- now I don't worry about it really, but it is a great feeling when you're sure someone's really fr fr saying your name because its your name. it gets more normal for you and the people you know over time. I feel I'm repeating myself a lot lol but trust me: super-normal.
Thank you! <3 I suppose that sums up most of it, yeah. It's going to feel like a shock no matter what, when you live for 25 years with one name. Fun fact: I found out, after I had chosen my new name, that before my sex was known, my parents would have called me Katie if I was born a girl. :D
But should I be worried that I still feel weird? There was something about it that makes me panic, thinking "Is this really right, if it doesn't come across as initially correct?"
Quote from: RedheadWhovian on September 29, 2016, 01:36:54 PM
at first it felt wonderful.
Many times, perhaps most of the time, first impressions are the correct ones. There is an interesting book on the subject called Blink: The Power of Thinking Without Thinking. It's about how our subconscious minds take in and process vast quantities of information at light speed and give us immediate non verbal impressions that are spot on where sometimes experts who ponder over and study an issue for sometimes years get it all wrong.
https://www.amazon.com/Blink-Power-Thinking-Without/dp/0316010669/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1475213409&sr=8-1&keywords=Malcolm+Gladwell%27s+book+Blink%3AThe+Power+of+Thinking+Without+Thinking
I read it a couple of months ago. It's a good read. I recommend it.
No don't be worried.. if anything I suspect, like me when people use my name, a small amount of fear of what they are thinking and feeling? (Do I pass more now?) And yes a couple of friends do..
Relax and revel in the fact your real name was used. I long for that day to be were u r. But out of necessity my journey is slower.
Sent from my HUAWEI TAG-L22 using Tapatalk
Katie, what you are feeling right now is your anxiety catching up to you. As you hear that name more and more and nothing bad happens, your anxiety will lessen and dissipate.