I transitioned in the 1970s and for years thereafter I submerged myself in the lesbian community. It's not all that strange--I was raised lesbian. I was rewarded for doing boy things and for dating girls. I was raised to be independent and I vibed with other dykes and identified with their strength.
And one day a "switch" was thrown in my head and to my utter and complete surprise, I went straight. I dated men. One very decent man that I really like, cis and straight, asked me to marry him and I debated whether to reveal my past. I went forward with the relationship but decided to keep my past to myself.
Some years later he and I were in P-town and I found myself walking down familiar streets. Normally I would have stayed at Gabriel's but we stayed out of town in a "Ramanda" Inn. I began to sense how far away I had grown from the lesbian community.
We went into P-town and all the places I might have gone--The Piper, the Cellar Bar, and dozens of other wimmin's hangouts--were no longer really available to me. What was I going to do? Drag my husband into one of these places and be one of those straight couples coming in and slumming? I always rolled my eyes when that happened back in the day and here I'd be one of them--coming in and slumming.
It was then I realized I had closed a door by becoming in most respects a cis-normative woman. I felt a pang. In fact, many pangs. Here I had what I had dreamed of since childhood--being married to a man and living an unremarkable woman's life. I understood then the pull of detransition and how I longed for those days when all these places were there for me. And then I realized I had detransitioned in a Pickwickian sense of the word. I had detransitioned by going through the looking glass--like Alice--and coming out in a mirror world that was not LGBT nor the one my parents had chosen for me.
I do appreciate detransitoners a lot more after that experience.
I can understand that. I'm totally committed to my transition. It's truly right for me, but I still get stray thoughts of "life would be so much easier if I backed away form this" and feelings of doubting it's even true. I had vaguely suspected that those thoughts would be with me for the rest of my life. You make this seem all the more likely.
Still, it's a case of "people, places, and things". Being back where your life was so very different is bound to bring out nostalgia.
Sorry for rambling.
Appreciate the reply. I think you get it. To say it better: for everything we gain, we leave something behind. For some (many?) of us it's an odd childhood, fractured adolescence (two of them?) and growing up (into womanhood) is a crash course of a million and one details. To take a riff from you: People, places and pieces.
Things we must give up, even when they are easily within our grasp.
Sexuality can be so slippery.
Back in the day, after transition, I was surprised and pleased to discover that I was still basically straight -- I preferred sex with one vagina and one penis, thank you very much, and now I had the right bits. The direction of my affections changed, but my basic orientation was still the same.
Fast forward to a recent vacation. Lovely resort. Lots of pretty people. I found myself in the bed of a gorgeous girl, and wow did that press all the right buttons. Was I... was I becoming a lesbian? But no, a few days later I got to spend some special time with a very hot guy. And at the end, another fella who, while not particulary hot, was a great talker and really great with his mouth in every respect.
I realized that it doesn't matter to me anymore what the configurations are. I've become pansexual.
I dated women before transition, but I liked men, too; however, the men that I liked liked women and I was too femme to be gay. I was especially femme looking, so gay guys were never into me. All the women I dated or was with, except one, had bi-curious tendencies. My main relationship was with a woman who recently swore off men and referred to me as perfect; she hated when I acted masc. and called me her GF and a woman with a penis, which was really objectifying when I think about it. We never did the dyke scene, though.
Dating a woman now seems, um, different. Now that I have a choice, I'm more than happy to slip into heteronormative, binary bliss. Plus, I like men more than I like women. Like with my one GF, I dated her since I had this huge crush on my friend and he wanted me to double date. None of my old male friends will speak to me. I look different and am 99.99 percent passable. I'm sure someone might, might clock me. I feel like that fact kinda marginalizes me in the community, while simultaneously pushing me towards a cis-like lifestyle, whether I want it or not. I've had people not believe me when I tell them; they literally think I'm joking and won't believe me. It's so strange. Validating. Yes. But it was awkward when my long term doctor kept asking me about my period!!