So my sister asked me what I thought was causing my anger before I started and the two times I stopped transitioning. My reply was the Dysphoria. But after thinking about it for a bit I realized that it is an uncontrollable anger just like when someone is hungry. There's a term for that "being hangry." That's when it hit me. I get angry when I'm not doing something to progress my transition. Therefore - I'm Trangry. (or the noun: Tranger as in "he has a lot of bottled up Tranger")
That would explain why when I finally realized I was Trans, I would feel much better after I talked to people about it or when I sensed I was getting closer to HRT and even after starting HRT. I wonder if the HRT I was on (I FELT GREAT!!!) was because I was satisfying the Tranger in me?
Any opinions on this?
Denise,
I had that uncontrollable rage a one time. Two things happened. I got older and I began transition. The rage is a distant memory now. The thing I get is anxiety whenever steps of my transition are perceived as threatened. My theory on the reason for the rage surround the idea that some people were never meant to deal with the testosterone. Also, the frustration of hiding things in your life being wrong as far as gender goes can be maddening.
Monica
I have a lot of stress over not seeing changes quickly enough and a lot of anxiety that the changes won't be sufficient. It's not driven by my body dysphoria (which has gotten so much better since top surgery and T) but more by my social dysphoria and social fears, if that makes sense. I mean, if folks accepted me as gender neutral or third sex I would actually be okay with that, but the misgendering really stresses me out. I feel horrible every time somebody calls me ma'am or the like. So I start stressing about body hair and stuff like that. I'm pleased to see my hair come in but I honestly didn't care about not having it. It's all the same to me mostly (except I'm surprised at how good I feel about seeing it sometimes--that surprised me). So I know it's not dysphoria, it's something else, fear of not passing that's driven by the social dysphoria. If I were socially accepted, I don't think I'd care.
I do feel anger, mostly over my dead name, which I never liked my whole life but I've acquiesced to people calling me. I guess it's a feeling that if you are using that name (which I told my friends not to call me, my family doesn't even call me that) you don't really know me and are being very presumptious. I also hate dealing with medical providers and so on who insist on doing business with me with that name. I'm going to start the process for a legal name change soon.
I do get very stressed and anxious when I feel like I'm not making
progress. And when I have what feels like set backs or having to
go the wrong way for whatever practical reason causes me to get
really down and upset. Even little tiny things like wearing a new
piece of jewelry or buying some new shoes can really help me.