More episodes in the continuing soap opera of my transition...
I managed to get hold of my HR person a few weeks ago to start the process of transitioning at work. To my utter non-surprise, she had no idea what to do, other than to find their "diversity and inclusion" person, a few time zones away. Our second meeting was slightly better, although she still didn't know more than what I'd gathered by looking around the company web site.
Early this past week, I had this feeling that it was getting time to involve my boss. (Ever since I started on this path, some 14 years ago, I've been going by my "vague feelings," since my conscious / rational mind has no clue about what to do. No disasters -- so far, anyway.) There's a coworker I came out to a month or so ago who had offered to do anything she could to help, such as joining me in meetings, and so I asked her to be there, too. After some consultation of schedules, we settled on a time this coming Wednesday. I simply said it was personal, and he seemed willing to wait to find out, but a few days later, he had a conversation with my coworker where he indicated he kind of knew what it was about. Anyway, I'll see how it goes. I don't expect him to go all transphobic panic on me, but I was afraid it could be a little awkward at first. My hope is that we can also start planning out the actual transition, since he actually knows who I interact with and what accounts I use and such, which the HR person does not.
On another note, I'm still struggling with reaching out to people for emotional support when I need it. Nobody has ever given the slightest indication that they were anything but happy to listen to me and help, at least when they could, but I still have to fight my early training that taught me that nobody wants to know all the stupid stuff that's going on with worthless little me and that if I ever say what's really going on with me, they'll drop me like a fresh "cow pie." Most of the time when I do talk with someone, it's not that I need them to do something, it's enough that someone is willing to listen and take me and my fears and my pain seriously. When people ask what they can do, I tell them that it would be nice if some people would reach out to me if I haven't talked with them recently, sort of: "it's been (1/2/+) weeks since I've from you about how you're doing, can we sit down for a cup of tea and catch up?" I think with me, no news is definitely not good news, it probably means I'm sliding back down into the black hole of depression and isolation yet again.
One of those 'someones' recommended that I start seeing my therapist twice a week, especially since I'm dealing with both my transition and my childhood trauma, and when I spoke to her, she agreed. She figures we'll just talk about what's going one of those nights and do things like EMDR the other one. Fortunately, my insurance has never had a problem with someone seeing a therapist 2x/week. It does mean rushing home from NYC to change and drive across the county twice a week instead of once (and twice a week that I can't make dinner for my kids at a reasonable hour. They're chronologically adult, so they should be able to manage, though.)
Still having trouble sleeping. I'm still waking up at 3:00 a.m. or so and not being able to get back to sleep, and the sleep deprivation is showing. I'm making a lot more blunders at work, though at least this week I'm able to focus a little more. I'm hoping the chaos inside me will settle down a little once I'm able to be Allison 24/7 instead of having to pretend to be <deadname> a good chunk of the day on most workdays.
Still waiting on the county court to come out with my name change. I also asked the clinic I go to for HRT for a gender-change letter a month ago, and found out this past week that the request got lost. They're going to try again. I can't wait to get both so I can change my passport so I'll have at least one official ID that has my new name and gender. (I plan to do the rest in December, when I'm off work for almost the whole month.)
Glad things are going well for you. Hope your meeting goes well on wednesday, it sounds like it should.
Hugs
B
I am familiar with that self attitude of no one wanting to hear , i think though if they are your friends they will be happy to listen and support
Looks like you are advancing well, seeing a therapist is a great idea especially if its paid for , i myself have issues with childhood besides
my trans ones .....best thing i,ve done it makes abig difference to talk to a knowledgeable person......
With sleep you could go to your local health supplement shop or if they dont have it an athletics / body building supplement shop
And get a powered beverage called " opiti dreams " or " delta zone " delta zone is the best though, they are designed to put you in a deep restful sleep athletes and bodybuilders use it including myself as i usally sleep terribly they not pharmaceuticals
I'm hoping things go well when I start coming in to work as Allison, which I plan to do starting in January. I'm starting to come apart from the stress, and I'm hoping that by February that part of my life will have settled down and I can start putting my life back together. I'll still have my C-PTSD and my kids' issues to deal with, but one less issue is one less issue....