Susan's Place Transgender Resources

I think for me it was a passing thought the first couple of years , but now  I feel it would be totally wrong to do.

Oddly enough... I wonder whether I'm doing the right thing fairly often, but I never consider stopping transition.

I think about it often enough, but I really waited way too long, and I'm too far down the destructive path on the androgen side.   After a good bit of thought, I always end up resolving the question to a choice between transition(of some degree) or self destruction.   I really, honestly, can not go there again.   I took that AA, right at the edge of oblivion, to think poetically about it.    Now I have lots of debate about whether I want to go forward with just a little menopause level sticker on my butt, or whether I want to fill a syringe with EV and feel whats on the other side of the canyon; and I haven't resolved that issue by any means.  But there's no desperate rush either for that to resolve.

But going back to real guy mode with 500+nanowhatevers of T in my blood?   CAN NOT HAPPEN.

Voted once a year because it sometimes crosses my mind, but the day after it's gone. Idk sometimes I get into a mood and one thought leads to another. Think it's more related to my anxiety. Like I don't remember how bad it was before I transitioned, it's been a while. Never really properly consider detransitioning though, I'm good as I am now, just need SRS ^_^

I tried going off of estrogen for 3 weeks at about 7 months out. Not so much about stopping as seeing if it could be better to cycle between someplace feminine and masculine. Didn't work, I don't ever expect to go back, still not quite 100% on srs.

Once in a while, I will have a "WTF am I doing" moment.  It doesn't last more than 10 seconds, though, and then I come to my senses.

I only do that to simulate in my mind, "Okay, this is a mistake.  I purge my clothes.  I change my name.  Get a hair cut and drop the voice back down," to remind myself how miserable I would be if I actually did this.  ESPECIALLY when gay men and women in general would consistently mistake me for being gay.  It's only a reminder technique.  Never would I go back.

Brahman (the Ultimate Reality of this Universe), may my saṃskāras (mental impressions from past lives and this life) carry me forward to a world of people who all look like women, but roughly half can get pregnant, and the other half can cause the former half to get pregnant.

Oṃ śāntiḥi śāntiḥi śāntiḥi...

I've stopped twice because I'm scared to death of what's going to happen when I come out, and because of my religious background.

That said, I'm back on because honestly, I love being a girl, and can't imagine being a boy the rest of my life.  I mean, I'm 46, and I don't want to wait any longer.

Whenever I need a good laugh the thought crosses my mind...Impossible for me to have had what should be a horrible month but still be so content, happy and bubbly

Rarely.  Occasionally the doubts get stronger, and that's when I get out my diary and look back to before I started HRT and decided on transition.  Do I want to go back to that hot mess, knowing it would be even worse now because I've gotten a taste of how much better my life could be?

That clears the issue right up in my mind.

Without a doubt for me it is way too often count.

At the same time for me, without any doubt, I can not deny in any way shape of form I am trans. That there is NOTHING I can do change that simple fact. And, the path I am on, as scary as it is, has been working out far better then the one I was on.

Quote from: KathyLauren on October 12, 2016, 03:03:50 PM
Once in a while, I will have a "WTF am I doing" moment.  It doesn't last more than 10 seconds, though, and then I come to my senses.

Lol...this would be my response as well.
It was once in a while up until one year in transition. Now it is not at all really.
I've changed my name and ID everywhere. I have started to establish myself in a new life with a new persona.
I care for myself like I never did before and I know a measure of peace and happiness.
We all have doubts from time to time.
If a doubt creeps in just ask yourself, would you really want to go back?

Looks like today is one of those days.  Dysphoria and massive rejection by my family has me really down right now, and it's hard to see up to where I was just a couple days ago.  That sort of thing makes me doubt what I'm doing, but I'm not so down as to be suicidal, which is where I was when I started this ride.

It'll get better.  It can't get much worse, and I refuse to let the darkness win.  It's not enough to take me down.

Nope, never ever. I will have the ultimate climax of mine completed in 13 days when I have SRS. Hugs
Mariah

Quote from: JoanneB on October 14, 2016, 09:26:19 PM
Without a doubt for me it is way too often count.

At the same time for me, without any doubt, I can not deny in any way shape of form I am trans. That there is NOTHING I can do change that simple fact. And, the path I am on, as scary as it is, has been working out far better then the one I was on.

I'm very similar to you Joanne.  I'm always questioning moving forward.  It seems more like I'm slowly getting dragged along.  First dutasteride, then spiro and now low dose E.  Going all the way to a full transition scares the heck out of me.  It's not that I don't think I'm trans.  54 years of this is enough to convince me.  It's just the social implications and how my wife and children will cope with this.  So far my wife hasn't given me much confidence.

The only thing I'm sure about is that I'm really tired of all this and I don't know if I have the energy to pull it off.  There's just so many things that I would need to do and people I would need to confront to possibly succeed at this.   All I know is life isn't easy for trans people.

Sorry to be a downer,
Paige :)

   

Quote from: Michelle_P on October 14, 2016, 10:17:37 PM
Looks like today is one of those days.  Dysphoria and massive rejection by my family has me really down right now, and it's hard to see up to where I was just a couple days ago.  That sort of thing makes me doubt what I'm doing, but I'm not so down as to be suicidal, which is where I was when I started this ride.

It'll get better.  It can't get much worse, and I refuse to let the darkness win.  It's not enough to take me down.

Hi Michelle,

So sorry to hear about your bad day.  I hope things get better.

All the best,
Paige :)

Quote from: Paige on October 14, 2016, 10:30:24 PM
I'm very similar to you Joanne.  I'm always questioning moving forward.  It seems more like I'm slowly getting dragged along.  First dutasteride, then spiro and now low dose E.  Going all the way to a full transition scares the heck out of me.  It's not that I don't think I'm trans.  54 years of this is enough to convince me.  It's just the social implications and how my wife and children will cope with this.  So far my wife hasn't given me much confidence.

The only thing I'm sure about is that I'm really tired of all this and I don't know if I have the energy to pull it off.  There's just so many things that I would need to do and people I would need to confront to possibly succeed at this.   All I know is life isn't easy for trans people.

Sorry to be a downer,
Paige :)

dear Miss downer, I'd try not to worry, It took me 65 years to confront this. Your in between a rock and a hard place. You jump off a bridge because you've wasted so much time getting here or you jump off a bridge because you never get there. Talk about a cruel twist of fate.

I've been so incredibly lucky.
My partner has been amazing and our daughter as well.
I was the stay at home parent so we already had a role reversal thing going.
We did a lot over the years as a threesome including running a small at home business.
There have been some difficulties we had to face as a family that sometimes makes the challenges of transition seem easy.
I came out in our community through the local art scene and I think it is easier for artists to accept trans people.
Artists can think more abstractly and outside of the normatives we struggle with.

I think about it a bit more lately due to being right in the midst of deciding on GRS; choosing a surgeon, paying for electrolysis around the surgery site, deciding on a date etc.

I'm scared of surgery, I've been through three and know how much recovery is gonna suck and I've experienced some permanent loss of sensation in each case. No matter that I also know I recover faster than most girls and believe I will be so much more comfortable day to day. The risks of complications and less than perfect outcomes do scare me.

And then I think about the alternative so it's fair to say it's crossed my mind and also I'm not considering stopping. HRT has made such a huge difference in my life so there's no going back. I could be happy enough continuing as I am but I also feel I've learned that settling for happy enough has always amounted to shortchanging myself and now it's time to accept that joy and comfort are not only possible but within reach.

Quote from: SadieBlake on October 16, 2016, 08:47:32 AM

And then I think about the alternative so it's fair to say it's crossed my mind and also I'm not considering stopping. HRT has made such a huge difference in my life so there's no going back. I could be happy enough continuing as I am but I also feel I've learned that settling for happy enough has always amounted to shortchanging myself and now it's time to accept that joy and comfort are not only possible but within reach.

I find this is so true for me.
When I started, being happy with the bare minimum of hormone therapy seemed possible. After a few months I came to the same understanding,following through and to at least try to achieve what I really wanted which is a full transition.
I wanted to start slow and not have big plans, it would have been too overwhelming for my partner and daughter.
As time went on we all felt ok about my transition, I started planning FFS.
After surviving that and having good results I started plans for GAS ( gender affirmation surgery).
My family realized and understood that this was the most likely course. I think we all knew at the beginning that we needed time and that it was all a matter of timing.
So in answer to the OP's question, no I never ever really thought of stopping.
There have been difficult moments but I ride them all out.
I love this life and this is for keeps.

Quote from: Paige on October 14, 2016, 10:30:24 PM
The only thing I'm sure about is that I'm really tired of all this and ....

After my 50 some of years of fighting the Trans Beast I have NO DOUBT which takes more energy. Fighting the 'concept' that you just may be trans? Or, Fighting that you really really are trans and there isn't an F'n thing in all the world you can then accept it?

Fighting that I am was easy peasy compared to actually doing something about it... For Real. The "For Real" part is what totally sucks. Besides throwing your whole world view a kilter after 50-60 years life, also the "World View" of all those you love and know; You also have to change how you think about yourself.

Well, I spent a good 50 years NOT thinking about myself, except of course in negative terms which gives you all the more reason not to think about yourself. Changing that is like trying to get the Titanic to go hard to port to avoid an iceberg.

Energy expended? Well, Being in denial, Avoidance, or otherwise just not thinking about, much less doing anything about being trans is easy. In the past 7 years I matured a good 40 years. I figured I stopped emotionally developing about 7. Today, Even factoring in all the therapist appointments, the crying, the heartache, the "lack of a future both my wife and I have.... Far less energy is expended on a daily basis.

Only on the deep dark Dysphoria Days do I wonder... "Is ignorance bliss?" Would I be better off if.....?

The answer is always quick & easy to come, I found Joy. I found other emotions too. Hey! I am finding out what is to be a real person.

Before I started transitioning, I doubted for exactly one sleepless night. After that, the thought of stopping transitioning didn't even cross my mind.

While technically not desiring to transition, I have been on HRT for more than 6 months.  At just after the 3rd month, I wanted to revisit testosterone and used some gel for almost a week.  The dysphoria began coming back so I quickly began my E regimen again.  Within a couple of days I felt so much better and realized that my body functioned much better on estrogen than testosterone.

All was good until the 6th month when I began to feel a bit run down (probably needed to up my E) and feel fairly convinced that I was not really trans and gave myself an injection of T.  All was fine for the first two weeks.  I felt good being in guy mode again and not problem with dysphoria.  I was cured!  When the effects of that first T injection began to wear off I gave myself another injection, a smaller one this time.  In just a few days the dysphoria came blasting it way back in to my life and now I can't wait until the T finally wears off and I can refill my body with estrogen.  I think it will be longer next time before I try T again. 

JoAnne B  Thanks for putting my thoughts into words. The one thing we have going for us is we are not alone in our experiences nor in our pain.  I've waited so long to act, stopping now would be out of the question.  Besides because of age I am only able to transition chemically.

I think about it quite often but mainly because I miss my wife so much. Sometimes I look back at photos of us and just wish I could've ignored my trans feelings, or hidden them deeper. We were so happy together.

Quote from: stephaniec on October 15, 2016, 10:56:11 AM
dear Miss downer, I'd try not to worry, It took me 65 years to confront this. Your in between a rock and a hard place. You jump off a bridge because you've wasted so much time getting here or you jump off a bridge because you never get there. Talk about a cruel twist of fate.

Most definitely Stephanie.  I feel like I'm standing on a sinking ship surrounded by sharks,  if I go back to where I came it's bad if I go forward it's bad.  And if I continue to stand on the ship I'll be in trouble soon.  I can't find a solution and I'm sinking. 

Quote from: JoanneB on October 18, 2016, 11:55:09 PM
The answer is always quick & easy to come, I found Joy. I found other emotions too. Hey! I am finding out what is to be a real person.

Hi Joanne,  unfortunately I haven't found joy.  I've just found gnawing indecision.

Take care,
Paige :)

I have just been through a horrible time with my family where my beliefs about them were severely tested. Long story short that whilst this was going on I began to second guess my decision to transition...it didn't last long because I can not deny that despite the loss I have experience so far Transition has made me way happier. I know I am doing the right thing...When I was at my worst I asked my wife if she thought I was doing the right thing and she said..."of course you are...you cannot go back...that would destroy you"

So as much as I may have thought about it...it is not even a practical resolution. This still doesn't stop me fleetingly thinking about "stopping" when things get tough. Maybe its my brain running through the possible out comes of any given situation...don't know for sure.

I voted "other" rather than never, because whilst its my brains go to place when things get tough it is never a real consideration...kind of like a knee jerk reaction

Liz

too often to count -

I think if you never completely transition, you can always go back. Maybe I'm wrong.

However, once you do complete, it becomes a lot more difficult to go back. Then, when you take the BIG step and finally go for GRS or SRS or whatever you want to call it, then it's impossible to go back. It becomes a really bad idea to not transition. It's impossible to pretend you did not go thru GRS.

That's what I did, and it hurts, and I think about it every day soooo much... I only know how to handle it day by day.   

At this point, the solution to re-transition back to my full self has a high probability factor of 'NOT'. Looks like I'm stuck here for life. Misery is my constant dark companion, and tho I can put lipstick on it, it will always come off.

I thought I knew myself so well. But it took more loyalty and love to someone other than me than I thought was possible for me to give in order for me turn my back on who I am, so I will likely not fully transition again. At least not outwardly. And still, under my clothes is who I am, and the love of my life is starting to understand, but I only show my outer garments to the world at large. Sadly, my image is now guy mode. So lonely...

Yeeeks, I'm rambling. TTFN
Tanya

Every so often, mostly because I am trying to pacify my wife and grownup children. If it were a non issue with them I would never think about it.

Quote from: Stacitg1 on October 31, 2016, 02:09:04 PM
Every so often, mostly because I am trying to pacify my wife and grownup children. If it were a non issue with them I would never think about it.

Hi Stacitg1 it is a pity that your wife and you adult children get to have there lives in peace whilst you do not....

Liz

I haven't started yet, but I plan on coming out very very soon. Like in a week. Like once a month I get this terrible feeling where I don't want to start because of all the things I might lose and will lose in my life. Today is one of those days. I have an amazing girlfriend that I want to marry and would love to start a family with but we are going to break up because I am trans and it makes me not want to transition and makes me very sad. I also have a good life and I'm scared it might get worse if I transition. Idk though. Most days I want to transition and want to finally be the girl I have always been.

Quote from: Tanya62 on October 20, 2016, 11:12:24 PM

I thought I knew myself so well. But it took more loyalty and love to someone other than me than I thought was possible for me to give in order for me turn my back on who I am, so I will likely not fully transition again. At least not outwardly. And still, under my clothes is who I am, and the love of my life is starting to understand, but I only show my outer garments to the world at large. Sadly, my image is now guy mode. So lonely...

Hi Tanya,

I haven't heard many stories of regret like this recently.

Are you comfortable talking about it?  Do you mind if I ask some questions?  What happened?  How did you come to regret your decision?

Thinking about you - I hope you find happiness...!

Claire

Quote from: Tanya62 on October 20, 2016, 11:12:24 PM
too often to count -

I think if you never completely transition, you can always go back. Maybe I'm wrong.

However, once you do complete, it becomes a lot more difficult to go back. Then, when you take the BIG step and finally go for GRS or SRS or whatever you want to call it, then it's impossible to go back. It becomes a really bad idea to not transition. It's impossible to pretend you did not go thru GRS.

That's what I did, and it hurts, and I think about it every day soooo much... I only know how to handle it day by day.   

At this point, the solution to re-transition back to my full self has a high probability factor of 'NOT'. Looks like I'm stuck here for life. Misery is my constant dark companion, and tho I can put lipstick on it, it will always come off.

I thought I knew myself so well. But it took more loyalty and love to someone other than me than I thought was possible for me to give in order for me turn my back on who I am, so I will likely not fully transition again. At least not outwardly. And still, under my clothes is who I am, and the love of my life is starting to understand, but I only show my outer garments to the world at large. Sadly, my image is now guy mode. So lonely...

Yeeeks, I'm rambling. TTFN
Tanya

Hi Tanya it sounds to me like you have had a horrible time of it. I hope what ever is causing this to happen to you stops...to start and stop again must be very traumatic Psychologically....I really feel for you as I see you are hurting badly...if it helps to talk or vent IU am only too happy to talk privately if it would help you. Don't know that I can offer you much other than a friendly shoulder to cry on ;D

Hugs

Liz

Quote from: ElizabethK on November 01, 2016, 01:32:53 AM
Hi Stacitg1 it is a pity that your wife and you adult children get to have there lives in peace whilst you do not....

Liz

Thanks, Liz! I keep telling myself that I deserve to be happy too but then I feel so sad to see how hurt my family will be. I think the being on HRT is going to eventually push me over the edge to making the decision to go full time. I feel so much better since being on it the last 3 months.

Staci

Occasionally I don't feel like it's worth the trouble, especially since I'm a bit of a tomboy, but then euphoria hits, and I'm reinvigorated for it...

Quote from: PrincessCrystal on November 02, 2016, 08:53:22 AM
Occasionally I don't feel like it's worth the trouble, especially since I'm a bit of a tomboy, but then euphoria hits, and I'm reinvigorated for it...

Yes that pretty well describes my experience too.  Just when I'm about to write the whole thing off something triggers me to believe it just might be possible.