So I just want to vent and get this off my chest. For some time now I have had feelings of wanting to be transgender. When I get them they can be really strong or really weak. It's really confusing to me because sometimes I'm sure I want to stay a guy and other times I'm sure I want to be a girl. Sometimes I really want to be a girl and for guys to look at me and to be pretty. But other times I'm fine with being a guy and like girls and want to be all manly. My feelings for wanting to be a girl will come in kind of an arc... it starts with just at night when I'm in be and then will be evening and night then afternoon and night, and so forth until it is all day and then it will go away the was it came. It could be weeks or months until these feeling come back and it could be weeks or months that they stay. I want to tell my parents sometimes that I'm questioning (I'm 15 soon to be 16) but I feel that if I tell them and then the feelings go away and don't come back then it will be awkward between us because of how I felt. I also feel that if I don't tell them and wait until college then it will be harder to transition when I'm older and I will have more irreversible male traits. I also hate that I had an undescended testicle when I was younger and they had to make it stay down but now it won't go back up if I try to tuck so cross dressing it hard. Ask any questions or provide help. Thanks for listening I just wanted to get this off my chest. (Sorry if this is posted in the wrong section)
Hi Britt - welcome to Susans!
If you look around in the introduction section of the forum, you will find many similar feelings - for most of us questions about our gender identity did come and go. I can certainly attest to the "wave" character where I could hide it for days, month and sometimes even for years. Every time a new wave started, the desire to be female became stronger and stronger until I did not want to hide it anymore. What you are going through is pretty common. Many of us have been seeking professional help by a therapist experienced in gender dysphoria to sort things out.
Do you feel your parents would be understanding? I did get the sense that breaking the news to your parents seems to be very possible. If you feel that you could tell your parents you should be completely honest and tell them about your struggles. You should suggest seeing a therapist to help sort out your feelings. This does leave you with the possibility to decide either way.
If you feel a therapist is too much, you could see if there is a local support group close by or you can simply spend more time here..
Hugs Sarah
Welcome to Susan's Place. A gender therapist would be helpful in puzzling this out but what you are describing sounds like gender fluid/bigender but without more information it would be difficult to tell. The desire to be feminine or the dysphoria can vary and it can also be blocked by distractions or engaging your mind in some activity. If you would like to read more about it, our WIKI (https://www.susans.org/wiki/Transgender) might prove useful. If you have additional questions, feel free to post them in this thread.
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So I have heard that many people go through similar experiences in terms of the feelings coming in waves and I want to talk to someone. The way I see it, however, is that once I tell my parents how I feel, then they will not look at me the same if the feelings go away. I feel that if I don't tell my parents and the feelings go away then there's no harm done. If these felling stay though then I just missed out on some time in my life that I could have been me. The biggest problem with this is the sports I do, my friends, and my school. If I got mtf then the sport I do (wrestling) would be wakeard to do so. I wouldn't do it anymore and then the people that I'm friends with would make fun of me and my friends are homophobic so I would have a really thought time there. There's also homeschool but I don't think that would look good to college so I'm in a pickle right now.
At 16 the feelings you have will remain the same or intensify as you get older. The longer you wait, the more testosterone will change your body and the more difficult and expensive it will be to undo the damage. If you are willing to live with the changes, that is your decision.
In my case, my transition was in my late 20s because it was near impossible to find treatment. I needed 200 hours of hair removal, nose and trach surgery along with gender surgery. My voice couldn't be feminized so I lived with for many years and a year ago I added voice surgery to the collection. I am also 6'2" and early treatment might have cut a few inches off that as some of the hight came after my teens.
At any age, the transition can be difficult. You might lose friends, your choices in life will change and some even have family difficulty. I have suggested to some on the site that they wait until after they complete college and are self supporting before attempting a transition because of family issues.
Make your decision carefully because you are the one who will have to live with it. The transition is possible much later in life but it will become more difficult the older you are.