Would it be hard for you to give up relationships that you had prior to coming out as trans and transitioning and move away to remain stealth for the rest of your life? Would you live a double life and keep the old people separate from the new people you meet and don't tell you are trans? What about starting a new facebook page?
Quote from: alienbodybuilder on October 25, 2016, 09:58:43 AMWould it be hard for you to give up relationships that you had prior to coming out as trans and transitioning and move away to remain stealth for the rest of your life?
It wasn't that hard for me to leave behind relationships where I wasn't going to be unequivocably gendered properly. Note, though, that some relationships -- my immediate family, of all people -- were able to make this transition, too. Then again, they were the only ones who were perfectly willing to do this, which included not disclosing my medical history to anyone who didn't already know.
Well, I stayed in touch with some other transitioners, too.
I would not tolerate misgendering and the dysphoria it created, though, so that made it pretty easy, actually.
QuoteWould you live a double life and keep the old people separate from the new people you meet and don't tell you are trans? What about starting a new facebook page?
Never did facebook, thankfully. My family can and has intersected with the new people in my life, with no problems.
Also, it became a no-brainer to practice non-disclosure when I realized that "trans" was actually a "transitory" identity.
I'm not planning on hiding it that hard, really. As I've said, when you're the frontman of a band, you don't exactly get to be overlooked. That being said, pretty much all of my friends are pretty tolerant about it, and I'm kind of popular so...
Edit: I should note that I'll probably move to another county in the next year, so I'm actually trying to open myself up to being able to go full-time without much trouble if I still feel like this is for me at that point.
Stealth isn't something that I actively try to maintain, but being trans also isn't something I generally share with folks. I suspect it is this way for a lot of us that have passing privilege. There was a point early on in my transition where I actively wanted to move away and essentially start a new life once my transition was over. But now that I'm nearing the end of my transition, I'm feeling like it's not necessary.
The people who have always been in my life don't misgender me anymore. I can't remember the last time someone used the wrong name or pronouns with me. The only time any part of my transition has been discussed usually ends up being when other people in my life are having some kind of surgery and they want advice (I've had a bunch of female friends from high school message me very respectfully asking how top surgery was, because they were each getting breast reductions and were worried). New people, as far as I can surmise, have no idea that I've transitioned.
So, in my experience, it wouldn't be necessary for me to move away or stop talking to people or lead a double life in order to achieve the degree of stealth that I'm comfortable with. That has all come about organically with time. It did feel very necessary in the beginning. Now, not at all. If I end up moving, it'll be because of greater economic opportunities or a reduced cost of living - wouldn't be anything to do with my medical history.
The only thing I did do that was out of a desire to be more discreet was pruning my Facebook page. I didn't want to start a new one. I deleted a bunch of people that I never really talked to, removed pictures that I wasn't happy with, untagged myself from things, etc.
I'm going back to university for another year and I don't really talk to people outside of the internet. Simple.
Assuming that I can pass (not the vague loose sense of passing, it has to hold under scrutiny) which is not certain and get a legal name change during that year, I can basically go stealth.
The only hassle might be the parents. Parents are fun to deal with. Super fun.
I love being shouted and screamed at :(
Now, if only one of the side-effects of the anti-androgens I might take didn't involve going to the toilet a lot.
It's hard to do that with all the toilet bans going on x.x
No.
At the moment in the place I live there are no meaningful relationships with the people around here. Actual friends and family already know. If it goes bad here, I'll move to the next village or something. Nobody knows much about me. It won't be difficult to start over 5 miles from here.
To the people who are saying they don't know anyone offline, y'all should look for some sort of social group: I'm pretty sure that's not healthy.
Quote from: PrincessCrystal on October 26, 2016, 12:17:17 AM
To the people who are saying they don't know anyone offline, y'all should look for some sort of social group: I'm pretty sure that's not healthy.
It's fine. The outside world is a dangerous place anyway.
It's just a world of betrayal, pain and misery. No one can break my legs or beat me up on the internet.
I half wish I could transition in this blank spot between one year of university and the next, so that I don't need to expose myself there. Uh, I'll have to fetch the name of it, as someone was saying that some universities cover certain stuff.
Quote from: PrincessCrystal on October 26, 2016, 12:17:17 AM
To the people who are saying they don't know anyone offline, y'all should look for some sort of social group: I'm pretty sure that's not healthy.
Depends on the person. Some people are naturally introverted and do not require a lot of social contact.
Quote from: Xirafel on October 26, 2016, 04:04:46 AMThe outside world is a dangerous place
Not really. I go to places that other people tell me I'll get killed in all the time. To me, they're just places I feel at home. What's not good is that you're saying you don't have alot of social experience or support, and you're going to need that.
You're at a university? I suggest you go to a GSA meeting and, if they ask, tell them you are thinking of transitioning. They're pretty much obligated to be supportive in that environment, and you'll meet some people who can be friends with you through your transition.
QuoteI half wish I could transition in this blank spot between one year of university and the next, so that I don't need to expose myself there. Uh, I'll have to fetch the name of it, as someone was saying that some universities cover certain stuff.
Make sure that you make it a summer-long project to getting able to pass: learn makeup, try some herbs, get some self-grooming routines down, maybe invest in a laser. When you go back to school, all you really have to do is E-mail your professors and explain that you are transitioning: the vast majority of Universities have policies on not outing transgender students, and people who are educated enough to be professors tend to be accepting simply due to education. I'm not planning on transitioning professionally, so it's not an issue for me, but that's what I've been told everywhere.
Once again, go to the GSA about it.
Nice to read all your answers. No matter how lonely you get there's always someone to talk to online.
Quote from: alienbodybuilder on October 25, 2016, 09:58:43 AM
Would it be hard for you to give up relationships that you had prior to coming out as trans and transitioning and move away to remain stealth for the rest of your life? Would you live a double life and keep the old people separate from the new people you meet and don't tell you are trans? What about starting a new facebook page?
Facebook page completely easy, deleting my entire trace on the internet is another thing (I wouldn't even want a trace to find i'm female) ^_^
I've thought about it the reason being to go stealth.
Although, i would kept a couple good friends who i trust wouldn't share a word and i know would understand and support my choices. Going stealth and leaving i'd have slight empathy and probably care that it hurts them however in the end they've hurt me a lot more then just "I'm trans and it's hard to understand" My family is a pile of crap to some degree and on certain ends of family i wish i was never connected to them and they mean nothing to me i just want to one day leave and live my life how i please
without concerns of being seen as a female that i am not and to be left alone.
Quote from: PrincessCrystal on October 26, 2016, 09:57:02 AM
Not really. I go to places that other people tell me I'll get killed in all the time. To me, they're just places I feel at home. What's not good is that you're saying you don't have alot of social experience or support, and you're going to need that.
You're at a university? I suggest you go to a GSA meeting and, if they ask, tell them you are thinking of transitioning. They're pretty much obligated to be supportive in that environment, and you'll meet some people who can be friends with you through your transition.
Make sure that you make it a summer-long project to getting able to pass: learn makeup, try some herbs, get some self-grooming routines down, maybe invest in a laser. When you go back to school, all you really have to do is E-mail your professors and explain that you are transitioning: the vast majority of Universities have policies on not outing transgender students, and people who are educated enough to be professors tend to be accepting simply due to education. I'm not planning on transitioning professionally, so it's not an issue for me, but that's what I've been told everywhere.
Once again, go to the GSA about it.
The GSA? What's a GSA? Some new organisation?
Also, on closer investigation of the laser devices, none of them do facial hair as the hair follicles are too dense or something and may result in getting badly burned. Useless x.x
Can I get the hair follicles surgically removed?
Quote from: Xirafel on October 26, 2016, 06:13:59 PM
The GSA? What's a GSA? Some new organisation?
Also, on closer investigation of the laser devices, none of them do facial hair as the hair follicles are too dense or something and may result in getting badly burned. Useless x.x
Can I get the hair follicles surgically removed?
Kind of... it's called electrolysis.
Quote from: PrincessCrystal on October 26, 2016, 12:17:17 AM
To the people who are saying they don't know anyone offline, y'all should look for some sort of social group: I'm pretty sure that's not healthy.
Just because some folks prefer online to in person interaction doesn't mean they are any less healthy.
Quote from: Xirafel on October 26, 2016, 06:13:59 PM
The GSA? What's a GSA? Some new organisation?
Gay Straight Alliance. Nearly all universities have one. They're an LGBT support organization.
QuoteAlso, on closer investigation of the laser devices, none of them do facial hair as the hair follicles are too dense or something and may result in getting badly burned. Useless x.x
I have been blasting my face with an IPL on full power every 3 nights for 2 weeks. No burns, just slow-dying hair. Unless you're black, it shouldn't be a problem.
Quote from: PrincessCrystal on October 26, 2016, 07:05:27 PM
Gay Straight Alliance. Nearly all universities have one. They're an LGBT support organization.I have been blasting my face with an IPL on full power every 3 nights for 2 weeks. No burns, just slow-dying hair. Unless you're black, it shouldn't be a problem.
I have to talk to people...? I haven't spoken to students for many, many years other than a small handful of occasions where I had to.
https://images-na.ssl-images-amazon.com/images/I/81rwFz6vLlL._SL1500_.jpg
Well, I looked them up on Amazon, and quite a few have safety warnings like this. Those that don't have terrible reviews.
Even if it can be done, going to a clinic would probably out me to the people there.
Looking back (I went full time two and a half years ago) I wish I had done it that way. MY siblings have disowned me, my wife is abusive at times and my marriage is dying a slow and painful death. Work has been a challenge but is OK. Most of my friends are still around but I'm not that much fun. I should have left.
I pass fully. Tranation was the best thing I have ever done. BUT the reactions of people hurt.
Hugs
Jen
Quote from: JLT1 on October 27, 2016, 09:50:46 PM
Looking back (I went full time two and a half years ago) I wish I had done it that way. MY siblings have disowned me, my wife is abusive at times and my marriage is dying a slow and painful death. Work has been a challenge but is OK. Most of my friends are still around but I'm not that much fun. I should have left.
I pass fully. Tranation was the best thing I have ever done. BUT the reactions of people hurt.
It's not too late to move on. There are better worlds than these.
Its never been easy to be out as trans but its much better now and its also important to be counted since we are everywhere today. There will always be people who dont get it and are hurtful, yes sadly even those who we though would love us regardless but maybe have their own insecurities they need to deal with! Ive lived stealth for more than 20 years (which was much easier to do back then) but I learned over the years that even if you hide it well from the outside world , covering your past ect... you cant hide it from yourself and as you build new relationships, especially intimate ones, It can become a great burden! I finally made my peace with it and when I did, I found that it didn't matter half as much as I though it did! :)
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I eventually plan to move away, but if I i became stealth, it would be on accident. I spent a long time in my life being quiet about things going on due to upbringing and the more I get my confidence, the more out I am as myself until I transition. I don't speak about everything like I used to, but if a question was asked and i felt the person was decent, I would answer without it being an issue. I would have no issue sharing and it's my responsibility what would happen in a certain respect.
When I move, I just feel I would be entering another world, as myself quietly-outloud (being my self without forcing others to accept me). I wouldn't want to hide, but more get away from the people who would not or never love or respect me for who I am. Surround yourself with people who care, and the ones who don't won't bother as much as they used to.
Quote from: SlateRDays on October 28, 2016, 11:02:27 AMI eventually plan to move away, but if I i became stealth, it would be on accident. I spent a long time in my life being quiet about things going on due to upbringing and the more I get my confidence, the more out I am as myself until I transition. I don't speak about everything like I used to, but if a question was asked and i felt the person was decent, I would answer without it being an issue.
What if no one asks?
Quote from: Sophia Sage on October 28, 2016, 04:20:56 PM
What if no one asks?
If no one asked, they would still end up knowing depending on their relation to me. So if it's a group I hang with often, and we're getting much closer, I would share it in relation to the topic at hand, but not awkwardly.
If it's a relationship, I would tell up front and at an appropriate time. I'm a pretty.. somewhat semi-traditional person in how I view relationships. Being built on trust, communication, etc. If I told someone who I wanted to one day be my wife and she refused or showed honest sign of rejection, I would respectfully move on. Even though I haven't transitioned, I've felt that it was better to tell up front and deal with the rejection to keep myself from getting too deep in things.
Case in point, I was dating someone online some years ago and we took the time to chat and everything, and I felt we had a good rapport, but I decided to tell them that I was a trans individual and I asked her if she was comfortable and ok with that. She said she didn't know and then eventually said yes. But as we continued it became obvious she was embarrassed by me and eventually told me it wouldn't work and she just couldn't get with it and just disappeared.
A year after, I dated another woman, and while we didn't remain committed long, she trully and honestly accepted me for who I was and we were able to communicate about anything without judgement. Circumstances came up and it was best we split, but it showed me the possibilities if one acts with honesty and integrity in what it means to them as an individual. Though I don't date anymore, I would have no issue sharing that information if it was necessary or with the right people /persons. I aim to surround myself with accepting individuals and that means I have to be responsible with who I allow into my life.
It's a process in the long run, but it's worth it in time.
Quote from: alienbodybuilder on October 25, 2016, 09:58:43 AM
Would it be hard for you to give up relationships that you had prior to coming out as trans and transitioning and move away to remain stealth for the rest of your life? Would you live a double life and keep the old people separate from the new people you meet and don't tell you are trans? What about starting a new facebook page?
I'm getting prepared to quit my job and move to California to start my life over. I have changed my identity completely from birth certificate to social security record, drivers license, everything that identifies me. I have no relationships and I'm not even going to tell my parents so it will be pretty easy for me. I won't have to worry about being misgendered or dealing with ->-bleeped-<-s. I will never let a medical professional examine me below the waist. I'm asexual, and have no interest in romance. I'm also a classic introvert so with all that it will be really easy for me to live totally stealth.
sure , theres nothing wrong with wanting to live a peaceful life, I myself am the definition of the anti social, reclusive artist, My work is my life and Im not very good with being out there and dealing with people, even doing openings of my paintings is hard for me having to talk with potential buyers and having to talk with reporters ect. more the reason I kept being trans out of it for many years since I felt at the time that it really shouldn't matter anyways!
So true though that when your disowned by your family and anyone close and you also loose the career that you had been in for many years, theres really not much left to keep you tied emotionally to your old life and its much easier to keep your privacy intact after when you start over a new life!
One fairly important problem for me then was that there had been a lot of my early work out there that was signed with my "dead name" so I it was a only later when I came out as trans, that I admitted that I had painted them but like a fingerprint, your artwork can be identified regardless of if its signed or not. Some of the galleries were nice enough to contact some of the owners and I got to resigned them but some weren't willing, thinking that they would probably be worth more someday if they had my old name and I couldn't force them, it sold to them under that name! When I first heard of Wendy Carlos (the musician) there still were record albums under her old name, She probably had to make arrangements to change the listings and copyrights ect.. interesting story, I had written to her when I was 12 years old telling her I always felt like a girl too and if she could write back to me? ah we are so hopeful when we are young! :)
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I believe moving to a more tolerant environment is my only option for normalcy. I live in a rural area that is somewhat "tolerant " of homosexuality but gender transition, that's a whole different thing here. For the younger generation it may be accepted but not mine. My future is still so uncertain but my wife and I have discussed following her interests in the future which will involve moving, perhaps to another country even.
Quote from: josie76 on October 29, 2016, 08:35:32 AM
I believe moving to a more tolerant environment is my only option for normalcy. I live in a rural area that is somewhat "tolerant " of homosexuality but gender transition, that's a whole different thing here. For the younger generation it may be accepted but not mine. My future is still so uncertain but my wife and I have discussed following her interests in the future which will involve moving, perhaps to another country even.
Of course, you dont want to cause yourselves more problems, small towns being notorious for gossip and they seem to be frozen in time when it comes to tolerance and as you mentioned, gender seems to be a whole other thing!
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