It has taken me a long time to finally admit that I am transgender, though even when I was young, and didn't know of the term, I knew I was different and would pray that God would change my body. I grew up in a very religious household that made me feel guilty and perverted for feeling this way. Subsequently I went through life trying to deny it and push it aside. I went through many periods of dressing and purging etc. I thought love and marriage would get rid of it. Lasted only about 6 months before I was back to dressing in private and wishing I could just quit living a lie. Praying that God would take this away from me. Now 63, I finally accept who and what I am but am having a struggle with my family. If it weren't for my wife and kids giving me resistance I would transition right away. I feel that I am moving in that direction slowly and that eventually something will push me over the edge but I am just not there yet. I did start HRT 3 months ago on a low dose regimen and feel wonderful except for the knowledge that I am living a lie every day by not being myself. What if anything pushed you into making that final decision?
I'm not sure the details matter as we're all different.
For me I started being full time transitioning, non binary at the same time I decided to start HRT. I had been growing my hair out in anticipation for a while but it wasn't until several months later that I began to find people noticed the changes. And of course I'm not trying to pass.
Still I was decided before HRT and so having never looked back has not been a surprise.
My history hasn't been unlike yours, similar age and I've been stealth for 20 years.
It's only the last few weeks I have been noticing people noticing my breasts. Of course along with the beard this comes along with some weird looks. I don't really care.
I am not yet full time (in fact, just barely part time and still waiting for HRT), but I am headed in that direction. Like you, I am in my early 60s, and my story is very similar to yours. Dressing in private. Purged. Got married. Dressing in secret. Purged. Etc..
What pushed me over the edge to a transition track was learning that: (a) I was transgender, not a pervert; (b) the way I always felt was called dysphoria; (c) it wasn't ever going to go away; (d) I felt huge guilt about hiding it from my wife; and (e) I had a choice to make about living a life of continued bleakness or learning to be who I really am. The latter point, in particular, was the tipping point. I don't think I could have lived with the regret of knowing all that and not making the move.
I don't know how you should deal with the wife and kids. That is a tough, tough decision that only you can make.
I just decided that I had to take the gamble and tell my wife (no kids to worry about). I decided that an amicable divorce, or perhaps even an ugly one, would be preferable to continuing the lie. It could have gone either way, but I got lucky: we are staying together and she is my biggest supporter! I wish you the same luck.
I am part time and have been on HRT for five months, give or take. Two years ago I thought I could hold the line at crossdressing at home. That lasted a year, give or take, before I went in for therapy and hormones.
At this point I know I need to be full time, but it is going to cost me my marriage, most likely, and probably my career as well (self employed attorney). I came out to an attorney friend, and he said, "I'd keep that buried if I were you."
Last night I got the "God made you a man" speech from my wife. It is okay for her half sister to be transgender, it is okay for us to have a transgender friend and her gay makeup artist best friend over to her parties, but it not okay for me to be out to them, or her family or any of her other friends.
If I were still on testosterone this post would be laced with swear words. But what I did was schedule an appointment with my gender therapist for next week, and now I am going to go hold my favorite stuffed animal and cry.
I figured out that I was a transgender person about 30 years ago but buried it deep for the sake of my family. I've known that I would have preferred to be female since age 5-6.
I had the usual outbreaks of "cross dressing", trying to present female in private. No one knew. I took on female gender roles, becoming the person that did the cooking, cleaning, laundry, and whatnot. Still no one knew.
Eight months ago I crashed hard. I had prior bouts of depression but this was severe. I got help. The gender dysphoria diagnosis followed quickly. I was out to my wife and daughter. I started going to therapy as myself, but cross-dressed as male at home and in public.
TransMarch came along an at my therapists nudging I went as myself. My wife disapproved. I was astounded at the number and variety of folks there, all apparently happy and enjoying a day in the park together. Nobody was curled up in a ball, sobbing to themselves!
I started leaving the house as myself earlier on therapist days, staying out later, running errands, doing the shopping, all as myself. When my wife and daughter were off on trips, I was full time for the duration. I started HRT.
At some point a few months ago I think I finally accepted that I was really female. Coming home and having to cross-dress as male got harder to do, and I'd often after having to change just go off to sit and cry. Trying to maintain two lives and the male persona was getting very difficult.
One day my wife and daughter sat down and had The Talk with me. "You want to be a woman, don't you?" Oh, lord. I already AM a woman, stuck with this deformed body, but... "Yes, God help me, but yes, I want to be a woman."
She told me that after the holidays I'd have to leave. I started planning and preparations, opening bank accounts and looking at rentals. Then she told me the anxiety from just having me around was too much, and she wanted me out sooner. How about November 1?
I managed to beat even that deadline, moving out Oct 22, and immediately going full time, months before I thought I'd be ready from HRT and electrolysis.
Yes, I get "sir"ed constantly, generally by anyone not looking for a tip or to sell me something. Yes, it's pretty damn rough.
Yes, I will survive. It's not enough to bring me down. I'm making new friends, staying active, and living my life.
It will get better.
- Michelle
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
I have not started transition yet. I deeply want to. I am also in my early 60's. I am happily married for over 40 years and have children. I think my daughter would be OK with the news of a transitioning me, I am not so sure about my son, and as to my wife - well that is why I am waiting. . . . . .
Same story for me of a life of wishing I had been born female, crossdressing since my early teens, purging a few times and now I am not stupid enough to purge any more. My wife discovered my crossdressing maybe 15 years ago and I lied by saying that it "turned me on". It didn't. It simply completed me then as it does now.
I came out to her fully maybe 5 years ago and after the usual "I married a man" speech, she agreed at first to being OK with just a little crossdressing but not in public with her. Then we had a big financial disaster of a business venture leading, along with my dysphoria, to heavy drinking and near divorce. Now our finances are stable and I no longer drink very much. But the big near-divorce situation some 5 years ago put me into a very low power position to re-visit me pushing for transition acceptance. So basically we are don't ask don't tell. I am in stealth mode. Every weekend in the summer I spend away in girl mode and return to fake man mode. I am slowly nudging my way to being more and more out at work, but not at home.
I want to stay married to my wife. I love her. She loves me. I am waiting for maybe another 5 years to press my case. Maybe then she will say yes.
I have a silly fantasy of after I fully transition and legally change my gender designation to female, we walk down the aisle in a re-wedding ceremony to renew our vows of marriage, but now a married couple of women.
If she were to pass away of natural causes before I do, I WOULD TRANSITION IMMEDIATELY!
To answer the question of what would push me to transition to full time, I would have to say my wife saying yes, and she would stay married to me as a loving couple. Has not yet happened.
Well the reports of how strained the UK NHS system is for one thing, soon it may be quite impossible to get treatment on it if it collapses or if trans services are cut under the pressure of inadequate budgets.
The other thing is being old enough to know myself well enough to know I have tried everything to fix the situation other than transition and I was still suffering. The choice was keep suffering for the rest of my life or act
Andrea James.
Quote from: Stacitg1 on November 03, 2016, 01:44:43 PM
What if anything pushed you into making that final decision?
Contrary to what many people (and especially the cis general public) might think, I do
NOT feel that it is the desire to have a woman's body that pushes someone to go to a full-time transition.
Rather, I strongly believe that it is usually having to survive socially as one or the other that makes people feel they have to choose. For many late-transitioners who have lived in denial, this social gender dysphoria becomes more acute the longer they are married, and especially if they are pressed into typically male gender roles in that marriage. Sometimes it can be managed, and the trans person can survive, but I wouldn't characterize it as a happy marriage. It's more like a marriage of convenience, for practical purposes.
So if you've been "
happily married" for decades, and have been comfortable in a male gender role as a husband and as a father, maybe your social dysphoria is not all that severe, and it's just the physical dysphoria that's causing you anxiety. If that's the case, maybe you can stay married, not transition, and work out an arrangement where you are living part-time.
For me, it was both physical dysphoria and social dysphoria. But the social dysphoria was what really prevented me from living a full life. So I decided to transition.
For me, the final push was when I finally admitted to myself that, no matter what I did, everyone was going to see how feminine I was, even without HRT. There was no use denying it, or hiding it. AIS saw to that.
[quote
So if you've been "happily married" for decades, and have been comfortable in a male gender role as a husband and as a father, maybe your social dysphoria is not all that severe, and it's just the physical dysphoria that's causing you anxiety. If that's the case, maybe you can stay married, not transition, and work out an arrangement where you are living part-time.
For me, it was both physical dysphoria and social dysphoria. But the social dysphoria was what really prevented me from living a full life. So I decided to transition.
[/quote]
I have never been comfortable in a male gender role as a husband. I want to be considered as the father-type sperm donor who did most of the day care and feeding for our kids. I love my wife for romantic reasons that I feel for her. Love, trust, lust, and a lifetime of us being the wonder couple. She had no idea that what made me the perfect partner for her was that contrary to her still vocalized beliefs, I had always been the perfect girlfriend to her.
This and that when I look in the mirror I see nowhere anything like the usual 60+ man out there. I am now and have always been very thin. I have never had a beard or much leg hair growth at all to even shave off. I just have this little "thingy" down there that looks out of place on an otherwise female frame.
I have not had HRT. I am a passionate surfer and motorcyclist. I cut down trees with my chainsaw. I don't think testosterone is needed to surf, or motorcycle, or to cut down trees.
Remember that phrase from the musical group Dire Straits many years ago in the song, Money for Nothing? There is this chant that repeats "I - Want - My - MTV", in a musical fashion.
I replace it with my inner chant, " I WANT MY HRT".
Both social and physical dysphoria here.
Irrespective of a consensus on the term "full time", I dropped any attempt to fit in to a male role at the point at which I decided I would answer only to myself. I have always distracted myself by caring for others at the expense of me. The pattern is pretty obvious to anyone who has known me for a few years.
When my mother was shifted from home to assisted living during her progression through Alzheimers, I had some really intense therapy sessions. Every gender issue I had ever had was boiling to the surface and my therapist finally asked me, "When is it your turn for you to take care of YOU?"
That was it for me, if there was a single moment that a finger can be placed upon. At that point, my therapist let me know that she would offer any and all letters or recommendations that I would like. She recognized I was now passed a point and was in full transition. That transition all started socially years prior, but at that point the medical side of the process really began. It is also at that point that I find my caring what the world thinks collapsed.
It sounds like you and I have a similar base story in terms of religious upbringing and married life. I realize now that I was actually transitioning my whole life to this point. Even if I was hiding such a large part of me, it is still a part of me. Decades of contemplation has brought me to a point in the now that finds me altering my physical form pretty drastically, but that is so small a part of being transgender/transsexual in my book. It is what is on the inside that really makes us, US.
For me, living the lie, I absolutely could not stand another second living as a male. One month later was on hormones, 12 months later had bottom surgery, 16 months later breast augmentation. Had no insurance so the cost was on me and paid for everything in cash which is not to brag but instead show that this was how important the change was to me.
Once I confronted my own self-doubt and fear, item by item, and realized that it wasn't just a phase or mysterious mental illness, I was able to move forward with transition. This was only possible with the help of years of therapy with a gender specialist.
There were many hurdles to overcome. I had to first get over the notion that my desire to be female was just some fetish. Then I had to figure out how far to go - going to an MTF group helped me realize that I was actually extremely binary (on the female side) despite decades of confusing overcompensation as uber-masculine. I also went back in journals, where I discovered that I had written, "I wish I was a woman" over 25 years ago, only to turn the page and push on, forgetting the intensity of my deepest feelings. Once I realized that my issue was real, I had several "experts" tell me that I was "extremely binary as female" which pushed me to the very edge.
The final push was a discussion I had over 2-3 sessions with my therapist, centering on why I didn't want to transition. Every time we had the discussion, it boiled down to what other people might think. Never about what I wanted. A light came on - what about ME? MY life? Further, we got down to "worst-case scenarios" such as what people might say or do. I realized that my fears were not very realistic, and that I was living a life based on my very low expectations of the people I associated with. No wonder I was angry and withdrawn.
I transitioned and just about all of the fears I had harbored throughout the buildup were completely unfounded. I found love and support from the vast majority of acquaintances - and even had numerous people confide in me that they wished they could be so "brave" in their own lives. Day to day life as a woman has been the most incredibly joyful experience ever, even from the very beginning when being "clocked" can cause incredible angst or self-doubt. I came to realize how cheap I had felt my life was before, how almost suicidal I had been in my day-to-day decisions and attitudes. I finally understand what so many people have expressed, the feeling of a second birth and authenticity.
I could have written your comment, word for word. I didn't know transition was available otherwise I would have in the 80"s. Then I discovered the reasons for my fatigue was because of heart disease. That was 25 years ago. After that and in fact when I came to this site, I didn't think it would be possible, but I learned it might be possible. I attended therapy and for the first time revealed my lifelong struggle. In the process I discovered I was working against my marriage. We had divorced many years ago but as our anniversary was approaching April 24. I wanted to know why we split. I honestly did not know why. By my third session I was offered HRT. I've been on HRT for 2 1/2 months. I cannot put into words the stress that was removed from my life by "coming out". Luckily my wife of thirty four years knew about my proclivities from the beginning. But I have been able to keep it hidden from view. Until now. She has been pretty understanding. She knows we are not giving up sex because that stopped when I got sick and was prescribed Spiro because of Congestive Heart Failure, so many years ago. Getting over the name calling is very hard to do, as you said we thought we were pervs because that is what everyone else was saying. I found out in February, I am not a perv and in fact my transgender feelings may have been predetermine by the medications my mother had been given while I was in utero. Actually having that information was very helpful in explaining WHY to my grown kids.
Standing in my back yard...sober 13 years...working through some suicidal idealisation...craving a drink....working through the plan....needing a drink...death or drunkenness...
That is how I saw my future...then a tremendous amount of anger which caused me to yell and scream and become upset for a number of hours...then came the calm with this came the acceptance that I needed help...I didn't want to drink again...I wanted the continual noise(dysphoria) to stop...so I have been trying to make it stop ever since and am actually making pretty good progress...suicidal idealisation is no longer my "go to" solution anymore and not the first place my mind goes anymore. I still have times where it does get to me but nothing like it was.
Liz
For me, the moment I decided that I couldn't live without transitioning was a moment of relief. As with most of us, I've always known, from the deep knowledge of being a girl when I was little to my twenties rocking back and forth between my other traumas and dreams ... this in the end led to me living a couple more years presenting male, which culminated in one very specific night of me dreaming having a female body. The feeling of it, and the deep knowledge of this being the real me stuck with me the days after. This made me finally realize there was only one way forward for me: transition ... I saw this was my reality and that it was never gonna change. So I asked myself how I wanted to live the rest of my life; male or female. The choice was made in a heartbeat [emoji4]
What a coincidence! I'm 63, also, and planning to go full-time by the end of the year. (Just picked up my copies of the legal name change order today and applied for a new passport....)
For me, the gender transition is simply one part of a general transition to becoming myself. I've been saying lately, I'm not trying to become a woman, I'm trying to become myself. And that started around 13 or 14 years ago, back when I was married, when I realized that I had lost any desire to remain alive.
I think I would have just let myself die, except that I had two children who needed me (they still do.) Their mother wasn't good at dealing with their emotional needs (or anybody's) and I could not abandon them.
So I got out of the marriage which was killing me, and once I was free I realized that if I wanted to live to be 60, I'd have to start being who I really was and not what I thought I was supposed to be. I started trying to listen to that little voice in the back of my mind and going with what it told me. I started trying to be aware of my feelings (no small feat if you've spent 50+ years doing your best to crush them.) And honoring those feelings. It's like hiking in the mountains on a moonless night (with no light.)
Three years ago, I read a blog post which opened my eyes to the possibility that you could be trans even if you'd never felt like "a woman trapped in a man's body." Those feelings I was trying to get in the habit of listening to told me there was something there. And two years ago, that voice in the back of my head told me, "you're going to transition. Just thought you'd like to know."
Twenty years ago, I would probably have done everything I could to resist the message, but my habit of listening to that hidden, inner self led me instead to just shake my head and say to myself, "guess it's time to get ready to walk off that cliff. Nos morituri and all that ...."
So much frustration and longing here. It's simply heartbreaking. :'( We shouldn't have to trade our happiness and loves to own our souls, and yet....we do.
Quote from: Mia on November 04, 2016, 01:32:47 PM
The final push was a discussion I had over 2-3 sessions with my therapist, centering on why I didn't want to transition. Every time we had the discussion, it boiled down to what other people might think. Never about what I wanted. A light came on - what about ME? MY life? Further, we got down to "worst-case scenarios" such as what people might say or do. I realized that my fears were not very realistic, and that I was living a life based on my very low expectations of the people I associated with. No wonder I was angry and withdrawn.
I transitioned and just about all of the fears I had harbored throughout the buildup were completely unfounded. I found love and support from the vast majority of acquaintances - and even had numerous people confide in me that they wished they could be so "brave" in their own lives. Day to day life as a woman has been the most incredibly joyful experience ever, even from the very beginning when being "clocked" can cause incredible angst or self-doubt. I came to realize how cheap I had felt my life was before, how almost suicidal I had been in my day-to-day decisions and attitudes. I finally understand what so many people have expressed, the feeling of a second birth and authenticity.
Mia,
Like you all of my reasons for not transitioning have to do with my relationship with family members. It will probably mean divorce or separation. My son is in his second year of a four year Doctoral Program and he tends to obsess and stress over things. I am trying to wait until at least May when he completes his second year. He will then be done with all his classes on mainly only have his dissertation to work on. My daughter says she wants me to walk her down the isle, when she marries, as a man and father. She is not even engaged yet but is 31 years old and in a serious relationship. This all makes for a tough decision but at the same time I feel I am falling deeper and deeper into depression and have to do something to save myself from destruction. Hopefully I can hold on until at least May.
I'm not there yet but God do I want to be! For me it has been that I'm just so tired of playing the part. Once I finally truly accepted myself I don't want anything else.
Realizing that the problems I was waiting to be dealt with (PTSD, finishing my bachelors, etc) weren't going to be dealt with anytime soon and that I'm already 25 and need to get a move on figuring this out. I don't want to be a 50 year old man suddenly realizing he's missed the chance to be a young(ish) woman...
As I mentioned before, I am one of the seemingly very many Transgender M-F who is being slowed in her progression to desired transition by not wanting to wind up divorced in the process. I really, really love my wife.
My birthday is Friday.
My wife and two children who are in college or graduate school asked me what I want most for my birthday.
I didn't tell them what I really want.
I may never get this, but what I really want and dream of is full transition with my marriage intact, and with my wife and I renewing our vows of marriage, but now as wife and wife.
My wife, as I have said, has retracted her initial sympathy and support for my needs for womanhood, forcing me into stealth mode with her. She is also in her sixties. I think maybe in a few years we will have to re-visit a transition within marriage. Right now I feel as if I am going to burst waiting.
I compensate by gradually increasing the circle of people that I come out to and announce I am transgender.
Quote from: PrincessCrystal on November 08, 2016, 10:17:16 PM
Realizing that the problems I was waiting to be dealt with (PTSD, finishing my bachelors, etc) weren't going to be dealt with anytime soon and that I'm already 25 and need to get a move on figuring this out. I don't want to be a 50 year old man suddenly realizing he's missed the chance to be a young(ish) woman...
From age 60, there's not much ish in the concept of being young at 25 ;-) just sayin'
Quote from: Donna on November 09, 2016, 07:09:04 PM
As I mentioned before, I am one of the seemingly very many Transgender M-F who is being slowed in her progression to desired transition by not wanting to wind up divorced in the process. I really, really love my wife.
My birthday is Friday.
My wife and two children who are in college or graduate school asked me what I want most for my birthday.
I didn't tell them what I really want.
I may never get this, but what I really want and dream of is full transition with my marriage intact, and with my wife and I renewing our vows of marriage, but now as wife and wife.
My wife, as I have said, has retracted her initial sympathy and support for my needs for womanhood, forcing me into stealth mode with her. She is also in her sixties. I think maybe in a few years we will have to re-visit a transition within marriage. Right now I feel as if I am going to burst waiting.
I compensate by gradually increasing the circle of people that I come out to and announce I am transgender.
Donna, I too find myself gradually increasing my circle of friends who I come out too. I sometimes wonder if I am subconsciously doing this hoping that someone will spill the beans and news will spread so fast I will have to finally come out to everyone and feel that I might as well transition fully since everyone would now know.
Well, for my birthday I received a very poignant gift from my daughter. I am not out to my daughter, but probably I think she would be the first in my family to accept me as Donna. I may have mentioned that I am a surfer. When I surf without my wife or daughter I always wear my very form fitting woman's wet suit with breast forms underneath, and I wear waterproof makeup. My daughter gave me this sign to post on our beach property as a joke, but it is very appropriate to how I feel at my favorite beach on the Washington State coast, not Waikiki:
(https://img1.etsystatic.com/110/1/9180872/il_570xN.922822099_d25p.jpg)
Quote from: Donna on November 12, 2016, 09:05:06 PMI am not out to my daughter, but probably I think she would be the first in my family to accept me as Donna.
Maybe she has figured things out? Nice gift either way!
Quote from: Donna on November 12, 2016, 09:05:06 PM
I am not out to my daughter, but probably I think she would be the first in my family to accept me as Donna.
(https://img1.etsystatic.com/110/1/9180872/il_570xN.922822099_d25p.jpg)
Yes, I think maybe your daughter has figured it out and is giving you a sign to open the conversation. She may feel awkward about starting it herself, but is giving you an in to starting the conversation.
Suicide of a deer friend was the big thing that nudged me back into transition. Hugs
Mariah