At what point does you're inability to be happy with your body and the possibility of loosing people around you when starting something as unnatural (reference from a family member) hit the tipping point towards hormone therapy. I was talking with my therapist and we made a list of pros and cons: the pro side was barely fitting on the board and cons were 3-4. And when I was attempting to add to the con list, many became pros. I love a lot of my family and have been able to bond more with them sense my car wreck three years ago than I ever thought possible.
Most of my family is the so called "redneck" and/or southern demographic: Probably 90% of my family voted Trump if that paints a picture. If my family was the model for being one sided, narrow minded, and possible racist, stereotype they would paint the picture fairly well. I love them all dearly however I'm just wondering how many I would lose and how many would stay with me. I'm kind of breaking the news to them slowly with the basic, I am gay line, but I hope to eventually get into the transgender talk, wish I had been born a man and wanted this sense very very early in my childhood. I know a few who would stand beside me of course but, its never an exact science. The people who you think might stay will be the ones to ban you from there existence and the ones you assumed would be supportive will, I say again, ban you from there existence lol. its not really a laughing matter, but I have an extremely odd sense of humor: even if I am in a really depressed moment I can drop a joke and laugh for a second then fall my into my dark shell.
I have already lost my best friend of a decade by merely dropping the possibility in a drunken haze (sober for a year and a half now, it only added to the depression and misery). I have a few who would definitely stay even with out any doubt although a good many would go about there lives, doomed to curse my name for the rest of there life as the anti Christ. The reason this has been also added to the pro part of my list is because I would hopefully have real true friendships made possible by being the real me and possibly a good relationship. ;)
These are just a few things I'm trying to figure out before my possible HRT date being 7 months from now. I know most of the issues are no where near the chance of changing my mind however they are still issues.
Love,
Sara Kensi Kauffman
(formally Everme)
It is the point at which you realize you are living half a life and those others will never quite understand it nor can help you with it, there is only one life and there are no medals for going through it unhappy.
Think of it this way... your friends and your family know "you", but it's not really you. You are living a lie as a fake version of yourself. This facade of a person is the one that they "know". So, what good is it to have relationships with other people if those relationships are not real? They are fake relationships because they do not know the real you.
By transitioning, you are living as your true self. And any relationships you have going forward are grounded in reality. If your old friends and family won't accept your true self, then that means that they don't accept you at all. They only accept what they thought you were; what they wished you were. And what good is that?
I don't know about you, but I have no interest in having friends or family who don't truly know me. They might as well be acquaintances then.
So the real question is, what is your true gender identity? If you're a woman, then you transition. If you're a man, you do not transition. And if you're non-binary, then... well I guess the answer is a lot more complicated.
Great responses so far, I agree with them. The decision to transition is terrifying, isn't it?
As I've started to come out to family and friends, I've noticed that my life has gotten much, much easier. Just letting your secret out and no longer hiding -- being "out and proud" -- makes such a positive difference. Some people are not going to accept you, and that hurts. But it's important to realize that there are others who will accept you, and once you rack up enough supportive people in your life then the ones who aren't will matter less. If they can't "get it", you don't need them. There are plenty of wonderful people in this world who will treat you with love, dignity, and respect, even if you're trans.
I've had a few conversations with my 65+ year old Catholic mother since I've come out. One of the things she told me is that while she's going to respect my decision, she does not support it. My reply: "I didn't tell you because I needed 100% acceptance from you. I told you because I needed to get this off my chest and own my life" and I let her know that I appreciate her respecting my choice.
I also needed to explain my motivation for starting a transition to her. I've put that story in a thread here that may help you understand what made me transition. I'm MtF, but I think these feelings are fairly common in FtMs, too. That rather lengthy thread is here:
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,216703.0.html
I have one last thing to share. It's a quote I heard on the Finding Your Female Voice youtube series. It's beautiful and summarizes the decision to transition perfectly:
"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom"
At some point, hiding hurts enough that the fear of losing everything and having to start over becomes almost appealing.
<3 <3
As always, you all of have helped tremendously. Awesome feedback :)
I have started the slow transition of coming out as "gay" to some people but, that is just the start. Kind of a transition to transitioning, you might say. So far I have told my AA group and my cousin. Next is one of my aunts and my grandmother. The hardest will be my father I know. Sense my car wreck, I have lived with him with this constant secret waiting to come out.
The most surprising thing to me, after accepting who I am, coming out to family, and living authentically as the real me for two years, is that I'm a much stronger person. I'm able to deal with things I never could before. For most of my life too much of my strength was tied up in maintaining a façade of the gender I appeared to be. I believe living inauthentically leaves you weaker and more fragile.
Oh, by the way, despite growing up in a real redneck state I lost no one, and being myself I've made many, many new friends. Friends I can count on.
For me it was just about too late.
It took yet one more 2x4 up the side of the head, otherwise known as another total life disaster, to realize that how I was NOT HANDLING being trans turned me into lifeless soulless 'Thing' with no hopes wishes or dreams, bar one given up on long long ago.
HRT is not a panacea. You need to put in the hard work to heal yourself from the inside. HRT helped that process immensely. I've been on/off low dose several times over several decades. But it wasn't until I grew as a person did I find the strength to really push the envelope. BTW, I had 2 failed transition experiments under my belt before this last and final conquest of the Trans-Beast
Quote from: Kensi on November 21, 2016, 04:27:04 PM
[...]
I have already lost my best friend of a decade by merely dropping the possibility in a drunken haze (sober for a year and a half now, it only added to the depression and misery). I have a few who would definitely stay even with out any doubt although a good many would go about there lives, doomed to curse my name for the rest of there life as the anti Christ. The reason this has been also added to the pro part of my list is because I would hopefully have real true friendships made possible by being the real me and possibly a good relationship. ;)
These are just a few things I'm trying to figure out before my possible HRT date being 7 months from now. I know most of the issues are no where near the chance of changing my mind however they are still issues.
Love,
Sara Kensi Kauffman
(formally Everme)
In my experience, people are individuals and not really stereotypes. My uncle, for example, is the epitome of the politically conservative, fundamentalist christian. And yes, he was the person who sent annoying Trump emails before the election. However he was accepting, in his way, of me and even escorted me up the aisle at my wedding after transition (my father passed many years before).
What I'm trying to say is, don't assume that people won't accept you because of their religion, age or politics. Leave yourself open to the possibility that they might surprise you.
You can influence this by being honest and open when you explain things to them. Be ready to answer questions because this shows that you are seeking their understanding and that you value your relationship with them.
I am transitioning at work. One of my cracker*, redneck coworkers misgendered me and then corrected himself yesterday, and not sarcastically either. Trans has been in the media a lot and people are learning. B/c I'm transitioning at work folks are talking about it. Another coworker asked me some (respectful) questions about HRT. If you have a good relationship with your family, I would say your relationships will probably survive. If you are starting off with a tumultuous relationship then your transition becomes one more grievance in their ongoing drama.
*it's an ethnonym, not a slur in this area