Hi, so, a few weeks back, my fiance came out to me as trans when they were drunk. Though they've always been pretty tomboyish, it was a surprise since we'd actually discussed them possibly being trans before in a passing conversation and they said they were comfortable as a female, but recently they told me they'd felt this way for a long time and that I was the first and only person they had ever told. I asked them about it a day or two later and they told me that they were uncomfortable in their body, but it wasn't something they wanted to talk about.
I'm really not sure what to do now for a few reasons, one being it's very hard for them to open up about things like this. I'm worried that our relationship is keeping them from being who they want to be, they even said they were scared to tell me because they thought I would leave them. Tbh, I don't know what I would do if they began to transition, but I know I love them and I think I would want to be there for them even if it meant losing them as a partner. I have an old friend who's ftm and since he's been out I've never seen him happier. I love my partner so much and I don't want to stand in the way of their happiness.
I just don't know what to do here.
Help?
Thanks for sharing!
I guess you've already mentioned the most important point: If your SO is FTM, transition will make them happier than ever before. Whether that works for you, is another issue.
Perhaps the most important point for the both of you, is to stay close to what your heart says. This is, unfortunately, one of those things you can only go and experience, there's no way to know beforehand whether it will work out with you staying together as a couple, or as friends (or not at all, but let's not dwell on that).
It's not about statistics, please don't go and read all of the sad stories about people breaking up. Those were their lives, and they're fundamentally different than the two of you. Sure, most relationships don't survive transition, but that's not to say whether this is the same for you. Things can work out, it's up to your SO and you. Perhaps you can have a look at the look in these people's (http://imgur.com/a/14pfW) eyes (found it on ->-bleeped-<-, no credit for me). Those photos sure made my day when I saw them! :D
I agree with Elina that if they are FTM they will more likely than not will be happier if they transition. It's one of those things I suppose we don't think about when we fall in love with some and then when faced with the prospects of it what do we do. My fiancé, who I love more than anything, has some things even he is still trying to understand. I doubt it is something that would ever result in his transitioning based on how he feels, but based on how I feel I always know I will stay with him regardless. It sounds like you love them a lot too and if that is the case you maybe faced with some interesting decisions to make. Sooner or later you may need to decide what you want to do about it if they decide to transition. It wouldn't surprise me if your relationship is doing exactly that and they are trying their best to stay as they are for your happiness. The other night my fiancé and I got on the subject again. I reassured him then I wasn't going anywhere and no matter what I was staying and no matter what once we married we would stay a married couple regardless. I could see it was a visible relief to him. Because they don't know where you stand, they could easily be deciding not to do anything out of respect and love for you. I can understand and respect that. No matter what right now we are dealing with a hypothetical until they make a decision that yes they do want to transition. You need to find your own way through that in the end because no matter what you need to take into consideration your needs and there's too. You and only you can decide which path is for you if they decide that yes they need to transition. It really is going to come down to what your comfortable with and how much each of you loves the other and can that love transcend a transition. I hope everything works out the best for both of you. Good luck and Hugs
Mariah
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Mariah
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HI,
I'm alittle slow getting to your post. I have been in your situation around the same time last year. My piece of wisdom that I wished to past on to you...is dont get to far ahead of yourself. Anything can happen they may or may not transition but whatever happens look after your needs too!
I understand loving your partner and wanting to stand by them even if it meant not being together. Your happiness is important as well. I hope works work out for you both xx
My fiancee and I once over too many "Adult Beverages" played the game of "My Secret is Worse then Yours". Well she won, a few years later I lost. It is totally impossible to predict how an SO (on either side of this equation) will react in time as the realities (both real and imagined) of life slowly sinks in.
Speaking as a trans person, I can say with some authority that the lifelong battle with feelings of Shame and Guilt make it nearly impossible to talk about. In my case "Opening Up" used to be impossible. "Answering Questions" was far easier. The last thing I wanted to do as to just "Talk" about my feelings. Asking how I felt about X or Y was far easier.
My current wife, BFF, Soul-Mate, and Reality Therapist knew from Day 1 some 40 years about my Gender "Issues" and history of transition attempts and HRT. Yet some 40 years later it was difficult at best for her to deal with me dropping the T-Bomb on her. I was never a big touchie feelie talker sort of person. Talking suddenly became a skill I needed to learn ASAP if there was going to be any chance of keeping our partnership going. Thankfully, the Chameleon in me was able to channel the "inner saleswoman" in me.
I still struggle at times, as does she. We both value the others happiness over our own. She especially, knows all too well my struggle (complicated) as well as the most likely future scenarios.
We also both know all too well how important it is to have those oft times difficult but much needed talks. Key is to keeping in mind how much you love eachother. Also, try to separate the message from the sometimes badly worded "Words". When dealing with highly charged emotional topics, the "Filter" sometimes gets bypassed and things are said that may hurt, intentionally at the heat of the moment or, perhaps deserved at that point in time. You both need to recognize things may be said that hurt. Don't take them to heart. Listen to the message behind the words.
My heart and prayers are with you both
Of course I don't know you but your declaration of care and concern seems very genuine and i would imagine the strength of your relationship is what helped them to crack open that closet door. I don't know if I would have come out without my partner's help and we sure hear from a lot of people who need to hold someones hand. I too vividly recall the fear and when I first stepped out the door as Tessa. My spouse and I remain together after 43 years.
And then there simply is no guarantee about much in life right? There really is a spectrum of trans people out here with some that will never transition or face themselves and theses hideous fears we conjure. There are also points along any journey where we might find a comfortable oasis or plateau that fits just fine.
Asking questions is an easy start maybe? Hey wadaya think of the Chaz guy? Thank you for caring enough about them to check this Place out.