Hey everyone,
I just need somewhere to let out a few feelings and thoughts. I applaud you if you make it to the end of this post!
I've had a bit of a weird week, to be honest. Just been a bit up and down - not something that I want just before Christmas, but you take the good with the bad. I'm preparing to fly out to Asia for three weeks of the Christmas and New Year period, which will be exciting. I haven't been to Asia, nor have I been overseas for Christmas before, so it'll be a fun and interesting time ahead.
I've been finding that, with a lot more time on my hands (studying only two subjects at uni - my last two until graduation!), a lot more thoughts and feelings have been brought to the surface and forefront of my mind. This is the first time that I've studied without working at the same time (my job fell through and I just didn't have it in me to find a new one so close to graduation and the end of the year). I've found that I've spent a lot more time on these forums, reading and posting. It has been nice to give back a bit to the community that has given me so much! :)
University studies and work always kept me really busy and occupied. When I wasn't working, I was studying, and vice versa. I had very little time to actually take a break, relax, and hear myself think. I was always "on" - thinking about what study I had left to do, or what I'd be doing at work, or whatever it may be. In hindsight, it ware a really great way to suppress the problems that I've been dealing with, silently and lonesomely, for the best part of my entire life. Still, do this day, not a single person (barring a counselor) knows, in person, my internal struggle. I tend to keep my cards held against my chest, surrounded by high walls. I'm not much of a talker; more of a listener. I don't like the spotlight.
This last week has been somewhat of a struggle for me. In between seeing my doctor for blood pressure issues (thankfully, not a major concern), I've been feeling really flat and unmotivated with my university studies, have been a "scatter brain" not being able to concentrate, and have been feeling more and more sucked in and consumed by persistent gender questioning. I'm finding it harder and harder to be around people, and happier just in my own company. I'm frustrated and agitated almost on a daily basis, so I'm making life difficult for myself.
On top of all of this, the doctor that I've been seeing for the past year is, unfortunately, moving on to a new practice come the new year. I'm really quite sad about this - she was the only doctor I've ever had that seem to actually care. We got a long really well, she helped me out a lot and her office was one of the only places where I truly felt like I could take a breath and that everything was going to be okay.
But, there have been some nice shining moments, too.
I've made a few new friends on the forums here, which is really nice. It makes it easier confiding in others - sometimes it takes the edge off the hard times.
I've received (as always) some really good advice on therapy and how to cope with trans feelings. I know that I can always find great advice, opinions and answers to questions on these forums (which is probably why I'm spending so much time on here recently). It kind of puts things into a bit better perspective - getting my head around what these thoughts and feelings indicate, and (trying) to get on the right track.
With each new day that comes by, I'm feeling like I'm gaining a tiny bit more clarity, and perhaps a tiny bit more comfort in what this all entails. The doubts and confusion is still persisting, but I'm (kind of) able to deal with it a little better, which is a little bit of a win for me (these wins are few and far between at the moment).
It's a really awkward time of the year for me to take any actual steps forward. I think that seeing a therapist now, so close to leaving the country, won't do much for me. I won't be able to make much progress (I imagine) in just one session (if they even have availability for me). So that means biding my time, seeing the year out and trying again come 2017. It frustrates me, because I'm just waiting for something in the back of my head to "sabotage" my minor progress. I'm getting pressures from my partner to move and get a job, which limits my time tremendously to take care of my mental health state. As per me holding my cards close to my chest, she knows nothing of this.
I know I shouldn't, but I've been looking at transition timelines online. Some of them are so inspiring that it fills me with butterflies. I had a very real moment where I thought "Oh my god, this could actually be me!" And the idea of transitioning and presenting as female is becoming a little more exciting than scary.
I know that there is the very really possibility of rejection from family, a break up of a relationship and losing friends in the process. I know that I could end up alone, just me. But I've recently come to realize that, if I actually were alone, I'd be a lot more sure of myself. I'd have a lot more room to be myself - presenting as female more often than not, not feeling concerned that I'd get caught dressing, not having to live to some standards imposed on me. It'd be more about me, which at the moment is not my reality. Instead, I'm putting everyone else ahead of me and making sure that they're happy, without even considering myself. I always thought that if I could make everyone around me happy, then I'd be happy. I've come to realize that I can't make everyone happy, and even making some people around me happy, I'm still not happy.
The transition timelines showed me that anything is possible. That other people out there have done it! They've come out to friends, family and partners, they spoken to therapists, they've gone on HRT and had surgeries, and the smiles on their faces show it! And all of that is confirmed by reading the posts and stories on this forum. You've been there and done that - it show's that it is possible and that it does have positive impacts on people's lives.
I have a really weird way of answering my own questions and relieving my own fears/doubts without even knowing it. Yet, they still have a stranglehold on me. I still want external validation, when in reality I am internally validating. I still want someone to tell me that what I am feeling and doing is right, even though deep inside I know it is. I still want someone to give me the answer I want, when in reality I know what I want. As I have been told before, "nobody else can tell you what you want, only you can".
Just because I don't have crippling dysphoria doesn't mean I'm not validly trans. Just because the testosterone running through my body makes my sex drive skyrocket and need for release constant, it doesn't mean that it's just sexually motivated. Just because it's not "do or die" doesn't mean I don't have a valid reason to be female. The right decision is going to be the one where I can be happy in my own skin, can feel upbeat and motivated, can regain my concentration and can feel like I'm not questioning myself daily.
Hard decisions need to be made. There will probably be fights, and tears, and very low points. But then, there will be happiness, laughter, comfort and a new lease on life.
Perhaps 2017 will be my year, unlike he 24 before it.
I hope it's your year, too.
Thanks for reading.
Love,
Karlee <3
What a lovely holiday gift. Thank you for sharing such eloquently expressed and vividly real feelings with us. I heard about the three Ds from another girl here and it seems you might be having a lot of Distractions that keep you from addressing a concern you keep close to your chest. The girl within us often has a way of pushing to be free and sometimes at inconvenient moments. When will there be a good time to see that therapist or take the next certain, even if small, step?
It is difficult not to compare ourselves when some of our peers do so very well. We can vicariously share in their success and know that dreams do come true. Your storyline has unique features to traverse but I'm betting you will continue to shine and all the brighter with the confidence you gain along the way.
I trust you will enjoy your travels and the promise of a new life after graduation. Seems like you have miles to go and promises to keep, for yourself. ;)
Hi Tessa,
Thank you for reading and responding. :)
Aww, that so sweet! My gift back to you all. I'm glad that it could have a positive impact.
You're right! Couldn't she have been this desperate to get out at the start of the year? Ugh, silly girl! But at least she's making the effort. It's now my turn to put the effort in and free her, however that may be.
It is about time the broken promises to myself were stopped. After all, it only leads to heartbreak and suffering.
Isn't the definition of insanity to do the same thing over and over, but expect a different outcome? ;)
I certainly will enjoy my travels! I hope you have a lovely holiday season with your loved ones.
Take case of yourself!
Love,
Karlee <3
Karlee, thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings about your life with us. It can feel very therapeutic baring your soul to accepting friends.
If you feel like starting with a counselor I'd go ahead and get an intro session done before you go. When you come back you will have so much more to talk about with them. It also never hurts to know you have someone to talk to waiting when you get back.
Coming out to family and friends is extremely hard. I'm still struggling with how and when to do that to eventually be me all the time. It's a process not a race so sometimes I have to remind myself that it's alright to pace things. ;)
"Do or die" does not define the need to transition. While I now feel what could be described as that, it has come from years of hiding and burying my feelings. That said if I had realized that transition was a real option when I was younger I still would have chosen it. If you are female inside then don't waste half your life deceiving yourself. You may loose some friends who do not understand but those who truely love you will be there when you need them. Some may not be accepting of the decision but will still love you for who you are all the same. The hardest may be dealing with the hurt that may happen to your partner. If she thinks of you as the image you projected it might be hardest for her and you for the guilt of her pain. She may also be completely accepting just be prepared for the day when you choose to reveal your inner most self to her.
Some things just have to happen. It's better to choose whatever path can bring you a happy existence. Where ever you go, there you are. So make sure it's where you wanted to be.
Be yourself. Hugs :D
QuoteJust because I don't have crippling dysphoria doesn't mean I'm not validly trans. Just because the testosterone running through my body makes my sex drive skyrocket and need for release constant, it doesn't mean that it's just sexually motivated. Just because it's not "do or die" doesn't mean I don't have a valid reason to be female. The right decision is going to be the one where I can be happy in my own skin, can feel upbeat and motivated, can regain my concentration and can feel like I'm not questioning myself daily.
I'm glad for you to have learned this early. I'd known I was trans for 20 years before I could get to this.
<3
Quote from: SadieBlake on December 02, 2016, 06:00:57 AM
I'm glad for you to have learned this early. I'd known I was trans for 20 years before I could get to this.
<3
I hear you there. I had the I wish I was a girl thoughts very early on but took me 40 years to finally realize that I wasn't just playing dress up.
Karlee, it is a very big deal for you to have had these realizations early on.
Part of the reason I denied it was probably that it's never been do or die for me. I'd hear of the trans girls that know for certain at a very young age and I wasn't like that so can I really be trans?
I've been dressing up since I was 5 and it later became quite "fun"; another reason I told myself I wasn't really trans.
Funny thing there is now that I've started with a therapist and have been wearing at least some women's things (underwear, bra, jeans, some tops) on an all day every day basis, there is nothing sexual about it at all anymore
Hi girls,
Thanks for reading, I really appreciate the listening ears. <3
It's all just one day at a time at the moment. Taking the advice of the lovely people here on board, and trying to figure out how that applies to my life.
I'm feeling a bit more comfortable each day, which is nice. I know a big decision does not need to be made right now, so that is kind of calming. Though, I am a "right now" kind of girl!
I'm looking forward to a bit of a break over Christmas. I need to try and relax as bit - fairly strung up at the moment. It's probably come at a good time; I've have time now to look into things and get prepared for the new year.
Thank you for your comments! It's much appreciated and given me a lot of help. :)
Love,
Karlee <3