Hello Everone,
I'm new to this. In the last 7 days I have admitted to myself that I am gender dysphoric, I have told my GP and I have told my wife (who was very accepting and understanding). A bit of history about my situation....
I was a quiet child growing up who liked to wear women's clothes, this was met with prejudice from an old friends father when he caught me wearing his daughters clothes in her room at the age of 4. This I think started a knock on effect of me hiding my true self (even from myself).
Having older siblings growing up helped shape me into what society expected of me, although in secret I would wear my sisters clothes when nobody could see. School was even worse as bullying was rife and if you were different you'd be target number 1. So on with life I went doing what everyone expected of me , pushing my real feelings deep down.
By the time I left school I had chosen to be an electrician in a 100% male environment, but all I wanted was to be around girls ( I thought I just wanted to date women which I was terrible at ).
This carried on for 10 years. I had abused drugs and alcahol not knowing why I felt so wrong, the drugs ( cannabis & cocaine ) helped me feel right for short times. It wasn't until I met my now wife that things started to click and I knew I wanted to be a girl.
We had been together for 4 months when we went on holiday together, we had a big chat and I told her I wanted to be a girl when we were drunk. I felt a weight lifted off me.
The next day she couldn't remember what I told her! I sunk back into denial, she got pregnant and that was me back in the closet for 8 years.
Now I am a 34 year old father of 2 beautiful little girls aged 6 & 7. The feeling have been ever present for as long as I can remember, even though I wasn't true to myself as to what they were.
I made up excuses to myself as to what they meant, but now I see they were all lies.
I have used distractions to hide these feeling for years, but coming out to myself has opened up a boat load of emotions and now my head is like a rollercoaster going up and down all the time.
I feel like a girl inside but the fact my outer self is male it leaves a huge hole in my heart. My head now understands it is female and it is changing. All the walls I'd built around my femininity are falling down and I am struggling to embrace them due to societal influence and social conditioning.
This has felt really good writing all this down, thank you for reading. Without all your brilliantly honest stories I would still be in the closet to myself so a very big thank you to you all 😎
Hello! Welcome to Susan's Place.
I am Saira. I am also new here. I recently came out to myself. I am 21 yrs old.
I know the feeling of self-acceptance. Everything just feels so light after that. Its nice to hear that your wife is so accepting of your true self.
You will find many people here with near similar stories.
Feel free to ask questions. Its like a big family here where you will find nothing but love.
Love,
Saira.
Welcome, Chloe. Congratulations on coming out to yourself. Often, that is the hardest step. I am happy for you that your wife is understanding.
I would encourage you to see a gender therapist, whether or not you have immediate plans to act on your new awareness. A therapist can help you to clarify what your goals are and what you can do about them.
Quote from: Saira128 on December 08, 2016, 05:55:01 AM
Hello! Welcome to Susan's Place.
I am Saira. I am also new here. I recently came out to myself. I am 21 yrs old.
I know the feeling of self-acceptance. Everything just feels so light after that. Its nice to hear that your wife is so accepting of your true self.
You will find many people here with near similar stories.
Feel free to ask questions. Its like a big family here where you will find nothing but love.
Love,
Saira.
Thanks Saira,
I am kind of scared at how quickly my mind has changed since my self acceptance. Its good to know your not alone ❤️😜
Quote from: KathyLauren on December 08, 2016, 10:52:45 AM
Welcome, Chloe. Congratulations on coming out to yourself. Often, that is the hardest step. I am happy for you that your wife is understanding.
I would encourage you to see a gender therapist, whether or not you have immediate plans to act on your new awareness. A therapist can help you to clarify what your goals are and what you can do about them.
Thanks Kathy,
As I am in the uk there is a massive waiting list to see a therapist on the NHS, so I'm going to go private. I don't like the idea of being in limbo for 18 months. I just need a referral from my GP first.
Chloe, you will be surprised how many of your opinions and feelings you had will change. I call it my enlightening.
Sent from my LG-H820 using Tapatalk
Chloe,
Welcome to the site.
While everyone's experiences are different, so many things are similar in your story. I waited till I was 50 to even admit to myself.
Glad you have come to this conclusion. Keep the conversations up with your spouse. There will be many "Yo-Yo" moments. Almost to extremes of highs and lows.
I also want to share some links with you. They are mostly welcome information and the rules that govern the site. If you have not had a chance to look through them, please take a moment to:
Things that you should read
- Site Terms of Service and rules to live by (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,2.0.html)
- Standard Terms and Definitions (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,54369.0.html)
- Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar) (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,114.0.html.)
- Reputation rules (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,18960.0.html)
- News posting & quoting guidelines (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,174951.0.html)
- Photo, avatars, and signature images policy (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,59974.msg383866.html#msg383866)
Once again, welcome to Susan's. Look around, ask questions and join in.
With warmth,
Joanna
Hi Chloe, I'm a UK girl in Bedfordshire. My first step after admitting it to myself was finding a good local therapist with some experience in these matters, they've been a rock for me while the NHS wheels slowly turn, which has given me plenty of time to talk through and explore the many complex and conflicting feelings we can often have. Good luck on your journey wherever it takes you. X