It's been awhile since I've posted on here, forgot my password and got stuck in deep depression. Anyway, I've been dealing with intense dysphoria and body image issues more so now since my top surgery. I don't know if it's due to the fact that I'm not so honed in on the one big thing that was bothering me and now I'm focused on a plethora of things. For example, I've never liked my jawline and jaw but now they seem especially less masculine. I feel like I need to do something about it otherwise I'm less of a man, it seems silly I know.
The other big thing is my weight. I've always struggled to keep my weight down but now I've been binging and not exercising, again depression issues, which of course causes my weight to either stay the same or go up slightly. I'm 5'5" and fluctuate between 220 and 226 lbs. I hate it. My ideal weight is 140 lbs or so with 7-10% body fat. I used to be very athletic and so this sedentary lifestyle is my own worst enemy. Yet, I don't have the energy or motivation to change it.
Moving on. I hate that since I can't get/don't want bottom surgery yet I'm stuck with my disgusting female parts. What's worse is that despite the growth I've had down there, my fat pubic area hides all of it. I see photos of guys who haven't had any surgery but you wouldn't know it because they've had amazing growth and they're fit. I'd give anything to be able to see my growth and not have nasty fat/lose skin hiding it. It's so embarrassing. I also wish we could see more than one type of trans guy in the media but I never seem to see anyone who isn't 100% cis and for that matter almost over cis (if that makes sense). It just feels like conformity is even more expected for trans people because cis people can't seem to handle it any other way. Sort of a double edged sword. But I'm rambling. Has anyone else felt extreme dysphoria and body image issues from internal and external pressures? Or suggestions for dealing?
Thanks
Hey man,
Welcome back. I've definitely been there, funnily enough also after top surgery. My feeling on it is that my chest was the most obviously thing that made me female externally, and having to bind all the time was a constant reminder that I wasn't "male". After top surgery, I'm flat, there's nothing that would make anyone I pass in the street think that I'm not a dude. So then I started to fixate on the things that only I noticed - my weight, how my fat was sitting, everything downstairs.
I got super depressed for a bit, took a break from any kind of community interaction, and just settled down to do research on what my options were. I knew if I wanted to get any kind of bottom surgery I'd need to lose weight (I'm the same height as you and was around 200-220lbs at the time). So I started with that - I think also having the same thought process as you where maybe if I lost enough weight the growth I had would be more prominent and I wouldn't need surgery.
But ultimately, I'm down to 170 now and that area seems to be the one part of my body where fat won't budge. Having researched bottom surgery for over a year now, I'm very comfortable with the conclusions I've come to about it and feel much more confident going into it.
As far as secondary things like my face, my height, size of my hands, etc. I think in general we are more critical of ourselves than anyone that we might meet would be. While I do still occassionally think my face looks feminine, I think the "total package" I present is viewed as 100% male to folks I meet, so in that sense I don't need to put much time into worrying about it. T has been really good to me, especially post-hysto. I can't remember when you started T, but maybe you just need some more time to get there?
I did have a lot of issues with motivation in terms of eating right and weight loss. Some weeks I'm really great about sticking to the meal plan I've setfor myself, some weeks I want to go to Taco Bell every day. Some weeks it is easy for me to stop at the gym on the way home from work, other weeks I can come up with every excuse in the book to not do it. The best motivator I've found is thinking about what will happen if I don't do something. Will I gain weight? Will it take surgery off the table for me? Would it compromise my surgical results? Would getting any bigger make me less passable? Weighing the choice to work on it or let it go in the context of what my goals are did seem to help motivate me.
I understand what you're saying about having no representation of transguys that don't fit the "ideal male body". And while that's a valid concern, I think the issue is more on the side of what the media wants people to see. How often do we see guys that aren't ripped on magazine covers? How often do you see a bigger guy that isn't cast as a big dude in a comedy movie, or he's cast in a role where he's immediately unlikeable? The mainstream media doesn't like fat people. And in our effort to normalize and fit in with their standards, we've created this "trans paragon of manliness" that has great pecs and a 12 pack. Media imagery has an effect on self esteem, but it does seem to vary from person to person in terms of impact.
I've found that thinking about my body in terms of health and happiness is effective in getting past that. As in, I may not have that "ideal body", but my doctor says I am healthy and the lifestyle I currently have gives me a lot of happiness. If I didn't have both of those things, then something needs to change about how I'm living my life.
Hope this helps! Feel free to message if you need to chat.
Besides the standard therapy line, I suggest that you take the time for a half hour walk each day. Walking might help with the weight but more important, the break in routine and the sunlight can help with depression. The cost is only a proper pair of shoes and it's much less trouble walking the neighborhood than going to gym or regular athletic event. If somebody is willing to walk with you, that may make it something even more interesting.
Depression is worst when you have the time to be depressed so activities that better your life reduce the depression you have to deal with and give you less to be depressed about.
To be honest the pre-T bloodwork motivated me to cut out the crap from my diet and try to keep the weight off. They told me for a variety of reasons if I did not exercise and eat better a few years down the line I'm going to be dealing with strokes and vascular disease (also may be hereditary factors in the family) and if there's one thing I can't stand it's being ill. Both my mother and uncle suffered strokes and/or aneurysms recently and that's enough of a secondary prod for me. I do not want to be in hospital with someone poking a tube up my head veins and not being able to remember the right words for things.
I am terrified of this being me, so I will do what it takes.
I can't really relate to the other stuff because although I feel like a man I don't think I'm less of a man in any aspect really. I see all kinds of "non-alphas" day in day out who don't care they have weight problems, about their jawline etc. If the whim takes me one day I might care to decide about some of these things but so far I don't much care. I guess it depends on whether you compare yourself to others a lot. I don't compare myself to other people much, so I don't feel physically inadequate.